spirit empty
body heavy
unhappiness weights a soul.
bereft of any desire for change
tortured from the inside out
stuck in a desolate wilderness
a pear-like shape crashes to earth
it plunders in impatience and fear.
touching upon this before
timidly, fingers have traced an outline
wearily, a mind has detected a nuance
a small fragment of something grander.
gracefully, i dance around the issue
running from it, i have hidden in the shadows
of looming institutions, and places to be
of pedestrian choked sidewalks and stale airport terminals.
i have masked it, in the everyday
of my mother’s love and the attention of others
of 9-5 school, work, family, celebrations, and death
i have pretended that the light is on
i have been faking it all along.
what is this
this great freedom of being
that with it comes chains
cold, steel links of slavery,
shiny, rose tinted illusory worlds,
and a confinement of thought?
what is this,
this deep, weeping wound that bleeds
out of every crevice, nook and cranny?
i have rolled it up and tried to smoke it
i have peered into a bottle and tried to drink it
i have kissed it wholeheartedly and made love to it on a bed of nails
i have eaten it until my stomach felt close to bursting
i have drank its wine and pissed its stench
i have read about it, talked about it,
sat in parishes and prayed about it
i have gotten down on my knees for it
i have even jumped out of an airplane for it
still, it persists and it pervades
this existence
it is numbless
it is unknowingness
it is the division of a whole
in the depth of the gut
it exceeds all definition
all words on paper
all emotion
all expressed feeling
what is this?
what is this when even in the midst
of all of the rehearsals, plays, and performances
in the midst of the finals time, and the first days of classes
in the midst of travels to foreign destinations and exotic locales
even in the midst of new friends and flirtatious romances
a nameless void festers?
i would prefer some temporary sort of contentment
in exchange for this gnawing, aching, endless nothing
it is the why and how obesity is reached
baggage to be pulled along in this life
it is the accumulation of material goods
the ball and chain of civilized life
it is the busy-ness of soccer practice, piano recitals, and part-time jobs
it is the cutthroat world of advertising and sales,
it is the eat shit and die, fake ass smiles of politicians and bureaucrats
it is the harbingers of new sciences
it rings in medical breakthroughs and it smashes through the glass ceiling
it originates in this immensity.
pleasure found
in watching babies grow
in seeing dogs bound from sea to shore after a beloved stick
reminds, but fades away
for i always return here, to this state, to this great country
of lack and servitude.
a lighthouse on a distant shore
i cannot locate
and although i know that i can best access that revolving beam
when i am fully present in the moment
when my skeleton is moving through this spacetime warp
i still somehow refrain
from dancing
i still somehow
forget to sing
to free my breath and allow it the chance
to dance with angels
to frolic with demons
to be pure energy
and to be free of the trappings
of ego.
