MAGIC

Blockhead

 

A perfect square, it arrived via snail mail from humble beginnings - a birthplace in Hungary under the hands of an architect named Rubiks.  As the world was once again righting itself from the rocking carnage of war and imperialism, a new age of neo-liberalism took hold.  The trickle-down of Reaganomics brought this three-dimensional puzzle, with vibrant hues of red, white and blue, orange, green and yellow lighting up its six, flat faces, into a middle class living room.  Under an American Christmas tree, young hands eagerly reached out for a complex maze of light and form to unravel.  It was an instantaneous hit!

From a pristine, blank slate, the magic was twisted and turned, flipped upside down, swiveled and disheveled.  Inquiring minds chewed and contemplated, reflected and analyzed.  In perplex wonder, the ultimate goal was plodded towards - "How to right the magic back to its original state?"  Days passed, school resumed and a favorite past time was relegated to a place on the shelf, or the desktop, in the bedroom or near the TV.  Years past, in which grimy fingertips smeared dirt and peanut butter, saliva and bacteria, across its once clean and smooth façade.  Sides came undone as individual stickers were peeled off of corners and edges.  Some parts even went missing as force became a way to manipulate winning.

Still, the cube sat - ready and waiting for the final moment when all of the simple colors and sides were once again realigned - a final clicking in of instinct and intelligence, of persistence and patience.  Though the river of time had faded and worn down the angular degrees of our once original canvas, the journey along the way is now encapsulated within it.  Forever enmeshed and ready for the next awaiting adventure. 
"3, 2, 1... Blast Off!" 
And, the magic shoots past its place of humble beginnings and on out of the stratosphere - headed for the Andromeda Galaxy or, maybe, even beyond. 
 

REJECTION (or, Healing Deep, Inner Wounds)

This story is about healing the Inner, Divine Masculine Wound

Yesterday, Angel said, "Wait. Hold up.  I gotta shift my brain here.  Understand that I just came from a 9-5 day job where numbers and tasks fill up my time and where a money-minded manager thinks nothing of tapping into the mathematical genius of all of the musicians who work in the warehouse."
"Inner, Divine Masculine Wounding," she repeated, breathing out.  "Okay, I'm here with you."

I'm not a man, so I won't pretend to know what it's like to be born and raised in a culture that denies full Self-Expression by negating natural, human feelings - other than fear and anger - as though they are evil, disgusting, "feminine" (our dear Governator himself popularized the perjorative term "girly-men."  Thus, misogyny remains an accepted norm) or "emotional."  I do, however, know what it's like to live in a world where the mind is worshiped and where a complete disconnect from our bodies is encouraged.  And, I have experienced how profoundly this has affected the men in my life:  the alcoholism and substance-abuse; the confusion and inability to own their power; the bending of their strong spine bones to a system that does not feed their beings; the closing of their heart centers to the women who grew angry and impatient as a result and, then, came to only perpetuate the pattern of either brute force or childish dis-empowerment. 

Our men, by and large (there is always an exception, of course), have forgotten how to embody their warrior ways.  Disconnected from the land under their feet and from the other planetary life that had them flinging their bodies through time and space in order to provide food, comfort and shelter for their families and tribes, they are lost and sad.  They reject the deep call of their divine masculine - a timeless ancestry that pumps in their blood and that beats in their hearts.  And, they submit, daily, to the subliminal code of a dominant paradigm that disrespects life as we know it.     

I have tasted, first-hand, the rejection of these men - beginning with my father, of course.  And, it's become such a pattern that I unconsciously and, yet, actively seek it out.  I also do so because, although I may be of the female gender, I am also divinely masculine.  We all are comprised of both the masculine and feminine - even if our sexual organs lead us to believe otherwise.  So, over the course of the past thirty-four years I have taken on this rejection - I have come to reject myself.  I haven't shown up to me - to owning my power, staking my claim in this world, living my passion, thriving on what really feeds me while embodying that just reward for the service I provide is what I deserve.

Last year, I found myself hurt and I cried, "I've been rejected."  Now, I find myself hurt and I celebrate, "Only I can reject myself!"  It's par for course that I attract others into my life who can not accept themselves when I have not been lovingly compassionate and deeply accepting of me - as I am now.  Perfectly flawed.  Imperfectly flawless.  

I breathe in.  I notice the sensations in my body.  I feel what I feel.  Then, I breathe out, releasing and letting go.  This life is what we make it, indeed.  What do you choose?  Who is the fully integrated person you are becoming?  
I receive.  
We surrender.  
Together.  
This is how we move, forward.

 

On Perfectionism & Suppression (Or, Breaking Up Is Hard to Do)

We Are Not Robots...Or Zombies

As human beings, we are deeply feeling and sensing beings.  Life affects us.  It penetrates our skin and fascia, moves through muscle and bone and taps into our cells.  At this dawning of the 21st century, a chaotic timber of multi-media assaults our senses daily and has reached a deafening pitch.  These invisible airwaves inundate our very ways of being in this world with norms, beliefs and dogmas that come from outside of us.  This constant stimulation fosters an inability to hear the silence and the stillness that also surround us and, as a result, we have become numb.  (For goodness sake, Pink Floyd was singing about this back in the 80s.) 

We no longer remember how to listen to our own Selves, how to tap into the deep wisdom of universal consciousness that resides in each of us and how to Just Be together.  Instead, we throw up our walls, and climb into the false reality of "individuality" that our car culture and mass consumption endeavors.  Consequently, we're sad, lonely, depressed and frustrated.  Yet, somehow, we still keep believing that if we buy into it, we'll get our just reward: the castle in the sky, filled to the brim with riches and gold yet missing the key element that gives our lives meaning - Each Other.  Relationships are what feed us.   

So, yes, this week I am sad.  I am mourning the loss of a relationship that has forever marked my life - for the better.  And, though, I appreciate the kicks in the butt that remind me to not perpetuate my own patterns of imbalance - of wavering too far over in the "process" of Life - I recognize the importance of my feeling this, now.  My pain is steeped less in any feelings of failure, or guilt and more in the noticing of how my shadows showed up over the course of the past eight months.  I'm upset at all of the projecting that I did - because, really, all I was doing was not being compassionate or loving to myself.  All I have been doing is not accepting traits in my Self that are hard to swallow.  So, I allow myself to feel because I want to grow, I want to learn and I do not desire to perpetuate these same mistakes.  I give thanks and deep gratitude to Shakti as she departs from the Hive and flies on to wherever her lovely Spirit carries her.  She is a true gem who brightens and enlivens every space she enters.

Last Sunday night, I attended a friend's birthday celebration where he gathered his community around him in a circle because he wanted to share his deep vulnerability and his fear of, essentially, dying alone - without that One, loyal, committed partnership.  That night, a wise woman spoke of the silly standards that we can all erect in our decisions for who we choose, and choose not, to love.  She shared how we project onto others the qualities that we so desperately want for ourselves.  "Instead of reaching out for someone to give us these," she said, "we can just notice our needs and fill our own cups up - from the inside out."

This transition now, of bearing witness to Shakti moving all of her stuff (which I complained too much about.  "You and all of your stuff," I'd point my finger) out of the Hive today, has me feeling, deeply.  Intimacy - IN TO ME I SEE - is the most immediate mirror for deepening into our Selves.  The reflection is Magnified in the tight living space of the 1500' foot Prosperity Hive as well as with the attempt at creating a business together.  It's PAINFUL - looking at myself. 

So, I am upset because I have been judgmental and rigid.  I have continually bristled at:
a Lack of Practice - where's MY practice?;
Self-Indulgence - as a friend recently pointed out, this online writing of mine is highly self-indulgent;
an Inability to Show Up to One's Work and, thus, One's Self - "How am I not showing up?" is the real question;  
and more. 

I RECOMMIT TO MY HIGHEST GOOD AND TO DEEPER COMPASSION AND LOVE FOR MY SELF.  And, I share this with you because, as the wise woman told me over the phone yesterday, when we share our vulnerabilities with each other we fulfill the COMMUNICATION piece of the COMMUNITY PIE.  I write my experiences in this world as service so that you can learn from both my tragedies and my triumphs.

YES, I am excited about the all of the possibilities that exist over this hump. 
Yes, I am blessed and honored to call the Hive my home and my business. 
WOW! 
I receive. 
Thank You, Dear God. 
Yes, and...

I am not a robot.  I do not get up everyday and apply a mask of "positivity" as the mantra "money money money" plays out in my BodyMind.  And, I am not a ZomBee - mindlessly marching forward to the whims of an outside force.
I am a HUMAN BEING ~ 
JOIN ME!


 

Brillaince (Can Be & Is Discovered in Morning Posts on Facebook Profiles)

LAW, LIKE LOVE

by W.H. Auden

Law, say the gardeners, is the sun,
Law is the one
All gardeners obey
...To-morrow, yesterday, to-day.

Law is the wisdom of the old,
The impotent grandfathers feebly scold;
The grandchildren put out a treble tongue,
Law is the senses of the young.

Law, says the priest with a priestly look,
Expounding to an unpriestly people,
Law is the words in my priestly book,
Law is my pulpit and my steeple.

Law, says the judge as he looks down his nose,
Speaking clearly and most severely,
Law is as I've told you before,
Law is as you know I suppose,
Law is but let me explain it once more,
Law is The Law.

Yet law-abiding scholars write:
Law is neither wrong nor right,
Law is only crimes
Punished by places and by times,
Law is the clothes men wear
Anytime, anywhere,
Law is Good morning and Good night.

Others say, Law is our Fate;
Others say, Law is our State;
Others say, others say
Law is no more,
Law has gone away.

And always the loud angry crowd,
Very angry and very loud,
Law is We,
And always the soft idiot softly Me.

If we, dear, know we know no more
Than they about the Law,
If I no more than you
Know what we should and should not do
Except that all agree
Gladly or miserably
That the Law is
And that all know this
If therefore thinking it absurd
To identify Law with some other word,
Unlike so many men
I cannot say Law is again,

No more than they can we suppress
The universal wish to guess
Or slip out of our own position
Into an unconcerned condition.
Although I can at least confine
Your vanity and mine
To stating timidly
A timid similarity,
We shall boast anyvay:
Like love I say.

Like love we don't know where or why,
Like love we can't compel or fly,
Like love we often weep,
Like love we seldom keep.

Where True Transformation Resides

The only way is forward

Last night, I temporarily experienced a moment of respite.
(It's amazing what a beer, or two, can do!)
In my welcomed escape from the severe nervous energy that I had been sitting in all day,
I haphazardly typed in a Facebook status update that I wasn't afraid. 
HA!  "I am scared to death."

Last Sunday, I was back in the beloved arms of my loving community.
It had been too many months.  Babies have been born and the kids are shooting up,
like weeds.  My dance brothers and sisters held me in their sweet embraces and inquired
as to where life, of late, has taken me.  The day was a surreal dream in that my
internal BodyMind was filled with complete and utter peace.
(The quiet before the storm, perhaps?)  Yet, I ironically wove the tale of my current
now, a state that is filled with immense transition - I'm in love AND my business partner and I have dissolved our partnership.  Shakti is moving out of the Prosperity Hive this week AND I don't know how I am going to pay her portion of the rent in addition to mine for this up and coming month.

I am so far pressed up against my edges.  
It isn't even funny.

Fortunately, I taught myself something about transformation last May.
For a 'reformance' dance/art piece that we - the Prosperity Music & Dance Company -
presented at Jon Block and Adam Rosen's Sight and Sound event at Queen Bee's,
I had my peers roll me in 40+ feet of white, sheath fabric that I laid in, at the foot of the main stage,
for three-and-a-half hours.  My friends inquired, "Are you sure, Cara?"  "You don't have to do this."
"I know," I responded.  "I want to."

The fact that my actions went pretty much unnoticed, and that our dance/art piece was not quite the fit for that space on that night, was superfluous.  The real lesson was learned in the extreme discomfort that I laid in.  At first, I experienced claustrophobia and the immense desire to breathe fresh air.  Then, I felt fear - "NO!  I CAN'T lay here for hours!" my mind started to scream.  Once I worked through these feelings, my left hip began to throb as all of my weight poured down through it and onto the amazing wood floor of Alma QueenBee's Hive.

Afterward, a friend reminded me that, while in the chrysalis, the body of the caterpillar returns to a liquid state before it reforms into a butterfly. 
And, I must admit, that my BodyMind has not been the same ever since.  The emotional traction that all of my own self-imposed abuse and/or mental dithering once held over me no longer remains.  What has remained, however, is my ability to sit in and be with discomfort without trying to run away from it or escape it.

Recently, another friend keeps reminding me of the Destruction found in Creation and his words are tinged with a bit of fear.  However, even as I have been experiencing my own anxiety over all of the transition that is currently my life, I am going to continue walking forward.  The death that is happening is, a large part, the demise of my EGO.  A dying off of past ways that no longer serve me must happen as I continue to step into the unknown.  What's to come is certainly a mystery.  

Even though I'm a little scared too, I embrace this uncertainty.  For remaining where I am is not an option and I'd rather try to play my hand in the gamble of living my life's dream and fail, then to have never tried at all.  Rites of passage are, after all, not discovered in the comfort of security and change is the only constant we can rely on.          

Be~ing Like Water

By the Oceanside, Summer 2011

For far too long, the thoughts that coursed through my BodyMind had deep emotional traction.  "You suck!" my mind would shout, for no-one else to hear, in response at my inability to shift the pattern of reveling in excitement and a euphoric high in one moment and then falling into a depressed and apathetic state in another.  "You can't do anything right," I'd openly berate my ailing spirit when I would trip on the the natural mistakes that are par for course in living any life.  Freezing up, I would refuse to budge or take another risk.  Stymied by my own fear, I would sit, unmoving and paralyzed, as life seemingly passed me by.  These damaging words, and actions, became an epitaph.  Scrawled across a heavy tomb that I willingly dragged along behind me, I rarely escaped its dread.  For years on end, I suffered in a fate imposed by only ME.

Sometimes, however, our breaking points can be the personal breakthroughs we need in order to quit knocking our heads against the same, closed door.  (Which many would describe as "insanity.")  The question, then, becomes, "When has the bottom finally fallen out?"  It's a highly charged, volatile moment - the second you recognize that you can no longer go on the way you have been; the moment when you WAKE UP and notice that there is another, open door right beside you.  And, it's a bitter irony, too.  Personally, I wish we didn't have to force ourselves into situations, such as contracting the HIV virus (as is the case for a man I met a number of months ago), in order to turn toward that unlocked door and walk right on through.

Fortunately for all of us, this August 2011 is a prime time, universally speaking, for doing exactly this - for paying attention to the narrow confines that we have placed ourselves within and for taking responsibility for the ripple effect that our lives, and our movement through this world, have.  Now is the time.  In service, I offer you a few steps in what has been my process over the course of the past two years.  I do this because, although it has not been easy, there is a recent liberation that I have been experiencing.  Although I still don't know what I am doing and even though I still trip and make plenty of mistakes, I have been sinking into an equanimity of Be~ing in which my thoughts and emotions surge into my BodyMind, like the tide, and then roll on out again.  There is no longer any tidal waves, or tsunamis, that blow me off my course or knock me off of my center.  Rather, I simply notice when my mind is trying to play the games of my past - attempting to scold me, or emotionally abuse me.  And, these days, I quickly become bored of trying to entertain them - for they no longer have the hold or power over me as they once did.  This goes for the words of others, as well.  It's refreshing - diving in to life around me; trusting that I am exactly where I am meant to be; and intuiting that everything is unfolding just as it was meant to.  It's relaxing to sit back and allow life to JUST BE - without forcing my way or stressing over an outcome.  

JOIN ME!

1.) Commit fully to the path of your highest good.  Only you know what this is.   

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.”  The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho     

2.) Take up a meditative practice of sitting in silence and stillness, daily.  
You can include prayer in this practice to help focus your mind. 

I have a 5-pronged prayer that I regularly offer and ask for.  It includes my long laundry list of GRATITUDE.  I take full stock of all that I am grateful for in my life, including the hardship. 
I ask for:
Protection for all living things as I envision a golden-orb of light surrounding my Self, my loved ones, San Diego and, even, our planet;
Courage, Strength and Wisdom in walking my path and in following my Heroine's Journey;
and, of course, LOVE. 
Lastly, I bow in deep reverence, with my head touching the Earth, and I offer my Self in SERVICE.  I am here to Serve, and I ask to be wielded as a channel, a conduit and a messenger.  My job is to listen and receive the messages from the Universe as they arrive in the form of Synchronicity and Omens.
I also have a mantra that I repeat with my prayer and meditation.  It goes something like this:
"For thou art Great, thou art Divine, thou art the Mystery of all that is."

3.)  Recognize when you are responding and moving through the world from the place of the "NO," or "negative" energy.  Usually, this looks like responding from one's defenses; being reactive (versus proactive); and simply saying, "No.  But.  I can't.  It's impossible."  Then, shift this energy toward the positive, "YES, And?"  "Yes, I'm tired and I am getting up because there is a day to be lived."  "Yes, I am frustrated because I am tired.  Please forgive my lack of patience and short-temper - it's not personal."  YES AND... yes, and?  YES.  And.

4.)  Discipline yourself to be able to sit in discomfort when it arises. 
For it is within the turbulence of change where true transformation takes place.  



  

On "ME"ism & Our Collective "I"LLNESS, part III

MONSTER, 2009

Like all self-absorbed individuals, I internalized by ex's words to mean that it was only I who was uniquely "wrong."  My small circle of friends, at the time, grew quickly impatient and bored by my inability to discuss nothing more than me, my relationship and my pain.  I was miserably stuck in an eddy of self-pity and self-indulgence.  "ME ME ME," was how the refrain went and it did little to foster new connections.  It was also eating me alive from the inside out.  I withered away, losing twenty pounds, due to depression and anxiety.  I was involved in my first car accident and I'll refrain from sharing all of the other dysfunctional behavior that I allowed for at the time - at least, for now.

So, it took all of this for me to find myself here, and now.  It took my backing myself into a really unhealthy corner in order for me to, once and for all, finally commit to my highest good.  Which is what I did two years ago, just as Paolo Coelho writes of in his book, The Alchemist - I committed 110% to my Personal Legend, to my Hero's Journey.  And I will not settle for anything less.  Certainly, we could debate whether or not this action is simply another manifestation of an ego running amok, of my selfish desires to be seen, heard, recognized and acknowledged.  However, my highest good is deeply rooted within the highest good of all - including this miraculous planet and all of its magnificent creations.  The connection between the two is inextricably linked - there is no separation between.  When I show up fully to live my destiny without fear, guilt or shame - while taking just enough so that others may do the same - I am the Change.

Gratefully, my path has lead me to the Prosperity Hive, a metaphorical baby that I have had the sincere pleasure to learn how to be a mother with.  At the Prosperity Hive, I am the unconditional force that takes care, feeds and nurtures countless human beings, from all walks of life, who gather together in the name of celebration and community.  The Hive has helped to propel me past my spoiled, little girl ways and into the realm of womanhood.  The Hive has been a rite of passage.  

When Shakti and I first moved in, Shakti kept telling me, "You have to teach us, Cara.  You have to teach."  Seven months ago, I couldn't quite understand what she meant.  Instead, I grew exasperated at the mirror image of me, circa 2005, that I kept bumping into.  Unfortunately, I made the mistake of behaving with Shakti as my ex did with me.  "I don't like you," I hissed one day when my patience had worn thin.  Today, I now understand why a deep well of maternal compassion has been recently unlocked within me - because I keep experiencing first-hand just how not special or unique I am; I keep rubbing up against the self-centered, Me-ism of others, and I now know that this is a cultural phenomenon.  

Reality television, celebrity culture, the cult of technology and, even, Facebook all foster a fantastical nightmare in which our self-indulgent whims are the crux upon which the world turns.  But this is not how we are going to endure, friends.  Take it from me, someone who has been there and done that.  Our health wealth resides in each other.  Offering LOVE is the only way to thrive.  And, how do we do this?  We show up fully in the brightness of our light.  Yes, we can and do take center stage so that we can teach others how to do the same and then, once they do, we step to the side so that - TOGETHER - we can all share the burning, nuclear fusion of US.  
WE is the ONLY WAY FORWARD.
 

 

 

On "ME"ism & Our Collective "I"LLNESS, part II

Me & John, circa '82

"We should take out an ad," he says.  "Date Cara and, afterward, you'll meet and marry your Soul mate."  "Yeah, thanks," I respond to my ex who mistakenly thinks that his emotionally abusive sarcasm is even remotely humorous.  You may question why I even open myself up to such exchanges.  If it weren't for the two dogs between us, I would be less willing to meet him somewhere in the middle.  Nonetheless, I am deeply grateful for the dance that he and I shared.  In fact, I wouldn't be here, now, without it.

We met back in '05 at a friend's wedding in Julian.  At the time, I was existing within the small bubble of my mind.  Thinking that my shit didn't stink, I also erroneously believed that I was an open-minded American.  I remember metaphorically experiencing the Earth shaking under my feet when we first walked by each other.  I recall his lean confidence, his striking looks and the Aviator shades that hid his wise eyes.  Then, I noticed that he was "just" the caterer.  I waved him off with the toss of my hand and turned my attention to the groom's best friend.  Yes, indeed - I was a class'ist and I never even knew it.

The best man turned out to be an illusion - a Calvin Klein underwear model posing as a small-town boy.  Meanwhile, the real meat and potatoes was this dark-skinned man who quickly searched his brain for the best line to feed me as I moved down the buffet line.  Immediately recognizing that I didn't pluck the hair between my eyebrows - which, then, must mean that I like them as they are - he said, "I like your eyebrows."  Our time together came to include lots of laughter and movement as well as the natural unfolding of organic play.

He was a Mexican national who grew up dirt poor on the streets of Guadalajara, selling chiclet as the baby teeth rotted in his mouth.  He was a hustler who had been busting his ass to make money ever since he was eight-years-old - when he was told that school was unimportant and that his ability to retain a roof over his head was dependent upon his bringing pesos home, everyday.  Almost immediately, he recognized me for what I was - a spoiled, American, mama's girl.  Back in '05, I had little common sense.  It had been bred out of me as I had not needed to use my quick instinct and powerful intuition to get by in the world.  I was completely and totally self-centered.  Life was all about me and my whims.  I was inconsiderate - for example, I would grind coffee beans in the early morning hours without consideration for my roommates and their need for deep sleep.  And, I knew not how to be a friend.  At that time, I could count the amount of intimate connections that I shared with others on, maybe, two hands (if I was lucky).

The truth of his words and of what he saw in me cut me open.  Even though I knew that I had become a monster - a self-consuming, ego-maniac - hearing it confirmed by the first man that I allowed myself to fall in love with was more than my ailing spirit could handle.  I broke open and the repressed emotion that I had swallowed for years nearly ate me whole. 

  

On "ME"ism & Our Collective "I"LLNESS

Me & My Uncle John, circa 1977

 

 

I have spent most of my life deeply fearful.  Afraid of rejection and getting hurt, I mistakenly moved through the world believing that I was consistently being judged as never enough - "never enough, never enough."  Consequently, I kept my mouth shut when I wanted to sing.  I withheld my burning love when I wanted to offer it freely.  And, I continually chose inaction when all I wanted to do was act upon every impulse and instinct.  Instead, I sat down, shut up and played the role of looking and being just like the crowd around me.  I suffered miserably as a result.

And, yet, how relative our suffering is.  Because, obviously, the suffering I am speaking of is all self-imposed.  I know not the cruel hand of fate that could of had me born unto a land or a people where daily survival for food, shelter or, even, physical safety is an ongoing battle.  Rather, all I have ever known is comfort and security.  All I have ever known is ease.  I am a spoiled American girl.  After all, at just seventeen years of age, and after graduating from high school, it was only natural that I move six+ hundred miles away and create a new life for myself at my parent's expense.  There, in college, I was handed credit cards, in my name, in order to begin carving out a consumer way of being.  Then and since, I have repeatedly taken advantage of this American way in the name of travel, education and other life experiences.  As I have traversed the contours of our phenomenal planet, I have always carried with me a deep sense of entitlement - for my BodyMind truly believes that I am entitled to move through the world free, safe and out of harms way. 

The irony is that most people in this world can not afford such luxury - neither in their pursuits nor in their everyday.  Some call this "unjust."   All I now know is that I have a deep responsibility to enjoy and fully revel in the luck that has been bestowed upon me - because, ultimately, I think that this is what the others who are not so fortunate would want.  "Enjoy," I can hear them saying.  Sometimes, I can believe that this is enough - the enjoyment of what we have been given - and that this is how we can "Be the Change."

Deepening Into Trust

Downtown San Diego's New Central Library Comes into Being

 

Summer's shadow illuminates a burgeoning skyline as I rub up against some of my angular  (mis)conceptions.  Fear gnaws at my resolve, and a small current of thin tears runs down my cheeks.  Contrary to how it may appear, I'm not as strong or as secure as I portray myself to be.  True to my human form, I too have my darkness - an inauthentic side that has spent far too long being out of integrity.  It's why I preach from my soapbox pulpit so stridently about the merits and importance of balance and sustainability.  What are these ideals that I strive for?  I do not know.  Yet, I intuit their importance as I attempt to speak them into my life.  (So much "talk, talk, talking...")  And, now, as I deepen into the dance of intimacy - with my Self, first and foremost, with this space known as the Prosperity Hive and with an Other - I question my ability to trust.  As one of my dear friends, a ShaktiRising apprentice who I teach dance to weekly, said just today, "It's ironic considering how trusting of the Universe - how "all is unfolding according to divine perfect order" - I've become."  Yes, indeed.   

Thus, in lieu of another "dance" class, I shared my current struggle and my sweet girl-friends resonated with the theme.  "Let's practice trusting, then," I shared.  "Let's go for a trust walk through Golden Hill Park."  They were eager and happy to oblige.  Under a southern sun, we took turns guiding one another, by sound and touch, around the grassy knoll.  We led each other up to towering trees, across warm pavement and underneath languishing branches as we embodied a sinking in to the five senses and a full presence - of Body, Mind and Spirit - to the Earth's natural abundance and to the simplicity of what is.  We were comforted by the shadow as well as the light; we discovered mutual delight in the innocence of pure abandon; and we knew, more than anything, that our partners had our back - no matter what.   


With my eyes closed, I daringly climbed tree trunks and smelled foliage.  Unafraid of what may come, I walked toward the vibrations of grass and leaves rustling under foot and of wood, rock and glass being wielded like musical instruments.  I reached out with my hands and I followed with my heart.  I remembered that trusting can be as simple as innocent curiosity.  I recalled the intention of simply wanting to know "What would happen if..."  And I allowed this to be my guide.  Afterward, once we had broken our commitment to silence, we spoke in reflection upon the experience that had just transpired.  And, I shared, "Now, allow me to apply this to my everyday..."

On Embodiment

 

The Time is NOW, SD Summer 2011

(Quick preface: Yes, it's summer and life is Buzzing.  Hence, I've been a bit distracted from posting to this here blog.  Please forgive my absence and know that I have been in-joying.  I hope you have, too.)

I was first introduced to the concept of embodiment as a naïve nineteen-year-old.  Having escaped the sugary bubble of my southern California upbringing, I ran away to a state college located in the northern terrain above the San Francisco Bay Area.  After spending my first year wallowing in the insecurity of dorm life, I was eager to re-channel all of my pent-up and repressed energy and e-motion.  Returning to the performing arts - to dance and the stage - was exactly the outlet that my wilting spirit needed.  Embraced by a feminine troop of sophisticated and progressive women, I was, reluctantly, taken under their expansive wings.  These wise others helped to open up within me the great well of pure sensuality that resides in every Being as they assisted in the unlocking of some of my stagnant and conservative views regarding the body by introducing me to the basic, primal necessity of human touch.   They were my role models and mentors and I lapped up every second spent in their company like a thirsty dog at a bowl of cool water. 

I recall one day when one of them - the most eccentric and flamboyant of the bunch - shared with me that "life isn't about performing."  "Rather," she said, "it was about embodying the essence of what one can tap into and share on the stage in as many moments in life as are humanly possible."  And I realized that - up and until then - there had always been this split within me of what I felt I could express in my everyday life and what I felt I could more widely access and communicate when I was emoting in performance.  Back in 1995, I intuited her sage advice but I was nowhere near being able to embody such wisdom.  It has taken me over fifteen years to be here, now, in a place where I feel less fear in my day-to-day life and more holistically equipped to move with as much grace and ease as is humanly possible in most moments of my everyday.

This is, ultimately, what I endeavor to now teach and share.  I try to model this way of Be-ing as I move through the world - although I am human and I make plenty of mistakes.  Every Wednesday, I offer tips, tools and resources for you to be able to do the same.  A small tribe of us meet weekly, beginning at 8pm here in the Prosperity Hive.  JOIN US!