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| Me & My Uncle John, circa 1977 |
I have spent most of my life deeply fearful. Afraid of rejection and getting hurt, I mistakenly moved through the world believing that I was consistently being judged as never enough - "never enough, never enough." Consequently, I kept my mouth shut when I wanted to sing. I withheld my burning love when I wanted to offer it freely. And, I continually chose inaction when all I wanted to do was act upon every impulse and instinct. Instead, I sat down, shut up and played the role of looking and being just like the crowd around me. I suffered miserably as a result.
And, yet, how relative our suffering is. Because, obviously, the suffering I am speaking of is all self-imposed. I know not the cruel hand of fate that could of had me born unto a land or a people where daily survival for food, shelter or, even, physical safety is an ongoing battle. Rather, all I have ever known is comfort and security. All I have ever known is ease. I am a spoiled American girl. After all, at just seventeen years of age, and after graduating from high school, it was only natural that I move six+ hundred miles away and create a new life for myself at my parent's expense. There, in college, I was handed credit cards, in my name, in order to begin carving out a consumer way of being. Then and since, I have repeatedly taken advantage of this American way in the name of travel, education and other life experiences. As I have traversed the contours of our phenomenal planet, I have always carried with me a deep sense of entitlement - for my BodyMind truly believes that I am entitled to move through the world free, safe and out of harms way.
The irony is that most people in this world can not afford such luxury - neither in their pursuits nor in their everyday. Some call this "unjust." All I now know is that I have a deep responsibility to enjoy and fully revel in the luck that has been bestowed upon me - because, ultimately, I think that this is what the others who are not so fortunate would want. "Enjoy," I can hear them saying. Sometimes, I can believe that this is enough - the enjoyment of what we have been given - and that this is how we can "Be the Change."
