Full Circle ~ 3 Months Old & 2014 Gone By

Completion

Another year gone by. It's my 38th but only your first.
How do I wrap it up with a bow this time?

In years past, I once felt the need to conclude my years by looking back at all of my
accomplishments and successes. Time has changed, however.
Now, what I mainly see is a whole lot of blessings. For this is what 2014 taught me ~
it showed me just how truly blessed I am with the important stuff in life. Namely, regenerative relationships. And, it's a foundation that I am rooting you within.

I spent this Christmas season mainly tending to you and your needs as well as, with you in a pouch, painting the plaster cast Devi and your papa made of my upper torso during my 9th month of pregnancy. It's a fitting way to close out this year, seeing as how you were seeded within my womb somewhere around this time last year.

It's been three months since your birth, and I am awed by your growth and development. Already you are so much bigger than you were just a mere season ago. I have enjoyed every moment of your unfolding ~ watching you discover your hands and fingers (you're still in process where this is concerned), hearing you coo and start to "talk" (you and your father have a very chatty relationship), and witnessing your beautiful smile and the way your eyes light up, too. I love the depth of our eye gazing when I'm breastfeeding you (and, oh, how I love breastfeeding you!) and especially when I tend to your needs ~ you look at me in a way that exudes trust and security.

I adore the way your tiny hands paw at my breasts, the softness of your body and the scent of your skin. You are sweet by nature and strong in stature. I seek to document each moment we share because, as too many parents convey, this time now goes by all too quickly and, with so little sleep to go round, this time now also eventually becomes a blur.  But I don't want it to bee blurred. I see it all so clearly, so I do my best to put down in words a love that is beeyond definition.

As for the approaching new year, I am going to take the lesson that you, my dear son, taught me. For nine months and most of 2014, you were a mystery. I didn't know what you would look like or how life would bee until you arrived. Yet, here you are and you're beeyond gorgeous. Meanwhile, life is amazing. So, I'm going to continue to set my intentions and water them along the way as I also endeavor to maintain the mystery by not over-planning/thinking/analyzing but rather by just trusting that what comes will bee perfect ~ just like you. ;)

2 Months of Me, You & US

I love you more than you will ever know

Days are short as darkness comes quickly and we seek the warmth of shelter. The final month of 2014 has descended. Wood Horse galloped in with strength and endurance, delivering you unto our arms. Now, we dive deep into the dark of winter as I suckle you at my breast and watch you grow, in leaps and bounds, everyday. What an honor it is!

Your sweet coos and gorgeous smile brighten our moments, as the chaos of a mad world churns. Truth is that there is far greater love on this planet than we are sold to beelieve. (I know from first-hand experience ~ my travels around the world showed me the generosity of strangers.) However, the push continues for the greed to bee halted and for a full return to our authentic power as there is much work to bee done on beehalf of both Gaia (Mother Earth) and Humanity.

I don't know how we'll fare or what life will bee like when you're my age now, I can only keep planting these seeds and hoeing the soil that is you, as well as your Soul Sisters & Brothers. 

You are the ones we have been waiting for. 

The generations that came beefore (they just didn't know)

One Month of Mamahood

My contented little Man passed out drunk on real milk

You're sleeping in the pouch on my chest. I gaze down at you and there is a softening, a melting, as a sweet smile graces my lips and I feel. More. than. words. could ever describe. Still, I will try beecuase I want you to one day know, and bee able to look back upon, how we have held you with the greatest of care and how your health and well beeing, as well as your happiness, have been at the forefront of our minds, bodies & spirits.

People inquire if motherhood is what I expected it to be. Motherhood Is. Everything. It's heaven, and hell. It's joyful, and painful and all that lies in between. It's hell when I hear you wail and I don't know how to comfort you. (I've been reading Dr. Karp's The Happiest Baby on the Block though, so that has been helping.) It's heaven watching the myriad of expressions come across your face, as you rest soundly. It's painful knowing that with each moment you are growing further and further away from this. And, it's pure joy to bee the Ones to experience each and every one of these moments here with you.

For me though, the most potent part of this experience is how primal this bond between us, between Mother and Child, is. It's a sacred union, as I savor knowing that it is my reassuring touch, it's my lilting voice, and it's my sweet milk that your perfect lips and Self seeks out. Sometimes, it is overwhelming ~ this responsibility for your around-the-clock care, yes, and for nurturing and honoring the Trust that lay between us.

Your trusting me is tantamount, as it will inform so much of how you move through the world in the future. It's scary to think that my mistakes will affect you, yet I trust in karma as well as the notion that you chose me exactly for the lessons I will knowingly, and unknowingly, impart unto you. I beelieve that this will see us through. As there have been times already when my inner monster - a demon that I thought I had smoked away - begins to rear it's head. It scares me! But, your father simply says that I need to not bee afraid of this aspect of myself, and that I simply must learn to befriend it. I love your father for he is wise, gentle and so damn non-judgmental! (It simultaneously drives me nuts!!! ;)

There's so much more I could type about, like learning your sounds and cues (or, more like trying to figure them out); about how you are giving your father and I a run for our money (good thing we don't have any!) with your late night (like, 1-4am) state of alertness; about your piercing wails and how newborns' tear ducts don't develop until about a month in; about your soft skin and perfect toes, fingers, hands, feet, legs, arms, face, head, lips, eyes, nose, ears, penis, scrotum, belly, chest, butt and more; and about how much we absolutely adore and love you. I have never known love like this beefore.
Thank you for beeing my teacher, Cahlo.

Forever Your Mum,
CHC

My two men, forever

You with your Gran Carol Ann

Your Birth Story: You Have Arrived

Cahlo Re Moon, 09/30/14 7 lbs, 9 ozs. 20"

Perfection Embodied, you remind me that we are all born this way ~ Innocent. Pure. BeeUtiful.

You arrived in the nick of time, just as I knew you would. You did not, however, arrive on the 21st. Although I hoped that you would beecause there was so much energy swirling across the planet on this International Day of Peace with thousands of people meditating and hundreds of thousands marching in the name of climate justice, you were just too content to budge. We understood as we kept moving to the beat of time, allowing you your own natural process of unfolding.

The days leading up to your arrival were a buzz with people to see (and celebrate) and things to do. On 09/20, while celebrating brother Skeet's birthday while under a cool Leucadia sky, I was enveloped in a circle of Mamas who sang to you in my womb, filling my body with the vibrations of their sound as well as of the drum. 

When we knew you were not heading out on 09/21, we headed south to join San Diego's March for Climate Justice. You are a born activist, attending your first protest while in utero. ;) That week, I continued to nanny for the girls, unafraid of my water breaking. I felt powerful to bee so full of life on the inside while tending to so much life here on the outside. 

Sunday rolled around again and, this time, I found myself at Dance Church embodying the intention I had set. I had envisioned myself dancing to the beat of the drum as our community cheered on your arrival and that is exactly what happened. It was, as your Aunt Devi infers, the ceremony to end all of your soon-to-bee ceremonies. I was again circled by women who chanted and breathed and bared down, soles into the Earth, as they grunted and motioned, down down down, with their hands to their abdomens. 

I danced and shimmied, I shook and rattled and rolled conjuring you "out" with the mantra "open, open, open" playing itself over and over again throughout my Body Mind. I moved clockwise in the circle looking at my sisters - your Aunt Jenn and I gazing deep into each other's eyes - at the drummers and then at the rest of dance church filling the studio with their pulsing bodies and witnessing eyes. It was pure magic. 

On this day, there was a new couple at dance church, also pregnant and just two weeks beehind you. Mama Jana and I connected while at Swami's Park with our burgeoning bellies spilling onto the grass. It was a glorious day of sunshine and music, community and love. Your father and I continued to revel in the beeuty upon our return home that night as we made LOVE, staring into the expanse of each other's dark eyes, while intuiting that it would bee a last for many weeks to come. There was also a profound, unspoken knowing of what we had created together ~ YOU, who would very soon bee joining us.

After intercourse, and around 1:30am on 09/29, my mucous plug came out. Light contractions beegan shortly thereafter. They remained consistent throughout the day, at 5 minutes apart for one minute, and only taking place in my lower abdomen. Breathing through these early twinges, I followed Gran Leslee's advice (who was also our Doula) and went to sleep. In the early morning, after your father had dropped your sister off at school, your Poopa and I went down to Moonlight Beach.

Throughout my pregnancy, I could very easily envision my moving through the preterm stages of labor as I beecame fully effaced both here at home and on walks at the beach. Thus, this is what we did. At the beach, your father and I would stroll along the sand, hand in hand, together. Then, when the contractions overtook me, I would wade into the ocean and move with the searing energy enveloping my whole beeing.

It was lovely to bee in public doing this, especially when a few women inquired if "it had beegun yet," to which I would joyfully, with a smile on my lips, nod my head. At one point, I marched up to your dad and exclaimed, "This is the most exciting day of my life!" In the exact, same moment, I also stepped with my right foot upon a dying honeybee in the sand, receiving a slight sting of Bee Medicine. I immediately responded "Ow!" and then we all - me, your father and I imagine the Universe - simply laughed, hard and loud.

Upon our return home and while laying on the bed resting, my water broke. It was simply like one cup of water gushed out of me, then I went to the bathroom and another cup spilled out. The bathroom, and more specifically the toilet, was my most comfortable place to bee, so your father made a little nest in ours for me to bed down in between contractions.

My contractions beecame a bit stronger after that, with Gran Leslee joining us at home at 2pm. Around 4pm, she checked my cervex and I was halfway there, at about 4-5 centimeters dilated. She was quite impressed. ;)

Your sister came home from school and helped to chart my contractions as I writhed in labor. Close to 7:30pm, we decided that I was nearly fully effaced and ready to go to the Birth Center. By this point, I was long in a deep trance where I had pulled into a quiet, internal place. My gaze had contracted and I was communicating solely by hand signs, or whispers. 

Early on, I recognized that I had fear where pushing you through my birth canal was concerned (and it is easy to trace this thread of fear to other parts of my life, like work, as well) but I decided that I would simply deal with my block head on. At the Birth Center, I immediately climbed into the birthing pool for some relief. However, the bathroom was my most comfortable place and that was where I went when the pushing urge came upon me. Unfortunately, I had hours of moving through my fear to go through, as I struggled to connect to my root, and bare down through my rectum. I wanted an easy out and for someone to do it for me, as we also recognized and discussed my deep fear of success.

I knew I could do this yet something wasn't working.

I moved through position after position as I was lovingly tended to, but you were stuck at station #2 for five hours and I grew exhausted. By the time Aunties Jamie, bearing bottles of Coca Cola for help, and Devi arrived, I was on my back. They insisted on getting me back up, on my feet and into my birthing dance. At this point, though, we had already been discussing transferring to the hospital but then we noticed a dark meconium in my amniotic fluid. It was 2am on September 30th and it was time to go.

I wasn't disappointed that I didn't give birth to you at the Birth Center. It was simply what was happening and I was fully surrendered to the process. Your head felt like it was between my legs as I walked to the car, rode to the hospital and then walked into my hospital room. At Scripps Encinitas, we experienced something similar to what had happened at Tree of Life ~ a non-intrusive approach to birth that allowed for trusting the process.

Our MidWife Susan was openly discussing other options, such as administering Pitocin to create greater contractions as well as an Epidural for pain relief and, even, an Emergency C-Section. With each contraction, however, I felt your desire to arrive as I simply gave in to it. I wasn't afraid of what was to come, no matter what came. I was fully present and absorbed in the Shamanic vortex of birth that has forever been a woman's rite of passage.

With Aunt Jenn and Uncle Paul's arrival, our scene was set. Discovering a reserve of energy, inspired by my Beeloved Community at my side, I finally gave in to my overwhelming desires to push. Beeing cheered on and sweetly offered other ways of feeling my body move through labor, I was galvanized by my loved ones who chanted, "Yes, you can do this!" "We see him, your baby, he's almost here!" "You got this, you can do it!" "Push, Cara, PUSH!!!"   

And, at 3:21am, you slid out of my vagina and into our lives. (First, Susan had to unwrap the cord from around your neck. She, too, worked hard at helping you out of my vagina. She even gave me an episiotomy - my first time receiving stitches!) I cried my eyes out as your Dad attended to you while the doctors suctioned the poop out of your belly. "My baby," I bawled as tears of joy slid down my face. "I'm a Mama!" I cried to my sister friends who are already mothers themselves and understand this deeply primordial experience of life giving birth to itself.

Then, you were placed in my arms as your dark eyes and little lips looked for my nipples. You latched on immediately and life hasn't been the same ever since. 

the Dance of the Dissident Daughter (for Everyone, Everywhere)

~ My Body is for My Pleasure ~

excerpt taken from Sue Monk Kidd's book The Dance of the Dissident Daughter
"You sure are quiet," Sandy says.
I smiled at him. "Just thinking."
"About what?"
"About the slow, hidden way a woman's life changes."
""Hidden how?"
"Well, let's say there's this woman, this Everywoman, and one night she has a dream about giving birth to herself. She doesn't realize it of course, but she's about to be pregnant with a new feminine life. And, sure enough, she starts to get wake up calls - an odd slip of tongue, maybe, in which she hears herself putting the word Father before her own name. The next thing she knows, she is uncovering the feminine wound - hers and the church's and the whole world's. She tries to run away from the whole thing, but before she gets too far, she finds herself on a beach with dancing women, celebrating an experience of female soul she can't even comprehend but that deep down makes her long for the mysterious thing she's lost."
He looked at me. "And this woman decides to find it."
"Yes, but first she decides she has to look honestly at her female life. When she does, she starts to see what a good daughter to patriarchy she has been, how she has created her life by blueprints that aren't even her own. Then she looks at the church, her marriage, the whole culture, the way it really is, the way women have been devalued and excluded, how the feminine has been suppressed and left out, and she knows for the first time that the absence of the Divine Feminine has left a hole in her.
She says, No more. She gets angry - no, make that furious. But she's real scared too. She feels stuck, so lodged in 'the way it is' she can't imagine anything else. Until one day she goes into a drugstore and sees her daughter on her knees before these men who are laughing at her subordinate posture, and something happens to this woman."
The car slowed a little as Sandy grew more absorbed in what I was saying. I realized he was hearing the unbroken tale of my journey, albeit the ultracondensed version, for the first time, in a way I was, too.
"So the woman decides to go away and reassess, to follow her own wisdom, which is starting to trickle down to her. She decides to let her old life collapse at her feet, to risk everything."
"I bet her husband remembers that part real well," he said.
"Okay, so it is hard on them both. But it's worth it. Because in the end, they find a whole new marriage. Plus, the woman finds this circle of trees, this space of Sacred Feminine experience

One. Week. To Goooooooooooooooo

Baby Boy,

You've blown into my life as a blessing, chasing away any remaining demons and leaving nothing but a Powerful Warrior Goddess in your wake. This year (and I have been pregnant all year long!), has been the best year of my entire adult life. Still, I can not fathom what lay on the other side of your birth. Instead, I promise to do what I have been doing, which is taking Life one day at a time. You've dropped me farther and deeper into presence and just bee-ing than I could have ever hoped for, or imagined. And I thank you for this. I trust that we shall continue to teach each other much as the moments unfold, moment by moment by moment.

So, here I am so close to your due date (which is slated for Sunday, Sept. 21st ~ the International Day of Peace, which is only fitting since you are a son of White Buffalo Calf Woman ; ) and, aside from beeing exhausted due to a now most auspicious heat wave that has hit San Diego County (making sleep even more unbearable for a 9-month pregnant woman!), I am happy, I am healthy and I am ready for whatever is to come. 

Part of me feels a desire to mourn this passing phase, even as I prepare myself for my second rite of passage, aka Labor. Much like my Rattlesnake Bite taught me, pain is relative ~ the treasure lays in just how much I can breathe through and bee with extreme discomfort. I am not afraid of our up and coming Delivery Dance. I welcome it! I embrace it! I can't wait to discover this part of me ~ how She dances, writhes and wriggles through the ebb and flow of contractions.

I've been reading Sue Monk Kidd's The Dance of the Dissident Daughter and, like much of my reading of late, it is yet another affirmation of how I simply embody Life ~ for there is nothing else "to do" here. As your Daddy said yesterday, "Cara, I was reading someone's thoughts about Spirituality and he basically said what you espouse, "Just Bee." Don't try to force an outcome, or meditate life away. Don't try to manipulate a response or premeditate a way. Just Bee." In Kidd's book, among many others, I am given the opportunity to witness where my own evolution has brought me. This Goddess is well aware of who She is and why She is Here. 

My intention is to raise you to know your Divinity AND to instill in you the humility of celebrating and honoring Divinity in every reflection you come across. For this is the true state of grace. We are not here to take due to some sense of erroneous entitlement. We are here to GIVE, to bee of service and to lead powerful lives that demonstrate LOVE ~ allowing the flaws of our natural humanity to shine forth as we steadfastly plod towards that steady drumbeat of Harmony & Justice for All.

You, as well as all of your Soul Sisters and Brothers coming into Bee~ing now,
are our Miracles! 

May you remember.

We Love You All Ways,
your Parents in Body, Mind & Spirit

Cahlo Watch 2014 ~ 1.5 weeks to Go, & a Letter from His Father

Fully Expressed, 100% Sober & Emotionally Available ~ Your Father
(here he is chasing away evil spirits in honor of your coming)

Cahlo,

As you can see, your mother has been freely journaling your birth story. I, of course, have had a front row seat in the process, and I felt like sharing what your birth has been like from this perspective.

We've received countless congratulations, and just as many words of encouragement. Often people assure me that I'll be a great father, as I am one already to your sister; I'm flattered that people think that, and it does inspire me to be the best father I can be.

They also expect that I have a fair sense of composure about the process, having been through it before; unlike your mom, as you're her first child. There's truth to that, yes, as I'm able to reassure your mom at times, knowing a bit how fluid and dynamic pregnancy can be. You're full of surprises already, not just in your movements, but in your overt and subtle ways of affecting our lives.

As a father, I'm a witness to your mother going through this extraordinary process. Her body is changing dramatically, of course. More than that, though, I revel in watching your mother unfold her maternal self; you've evoked parts of her that have been dormant, and watching them come to life is beautiful.

I chose your mother to be my partner because she's incredibly honest and trustworthy. I also loved her love for life; all of it, not just the pretty bits. I encourage you to listen to your mother, and trust what she says. Her perspective on life is acute and magical, and I know she'll help you learn to discover life fully.

Of course, I'll be here, and I can't wait to discover who you are, who wou want to be. We'll learn from each other, and I'm excited for that prospect.

We've also gathered a lovely community of people that love to love. In Asian cultures, we extend our families freely, calling good friends "Auntie" and "Uncle". Here in town, we've found our Soul Family, and it actually stretches around the globe. You have been loved from the moment we knew you were coming.

Last week, our midwife tuned me further into the notion of how your birth is a ritual, and I couldn't help but see these past 8+ months as fully part of the ritual, for you, for your mother, and for me. You and your mother get to go through the birthing process first hand, and I'll be there as open as I can be, to be a part of the experience. Our intent is to bring you as gently into the world as possible so you know what it feels like to be safe and sound from Day One, nursing along the experience that you've had in your mother's womb all this time.

I'm turning back to work now, something you've help to rekindle within me. I'll see you soon.

--Poopa

A more serene image of how he usually appears
whenever he speaks up (& naturally attests to what is in my heart)

Your Birth Story continued (a Journey of a Million Blessings)

 I love experiencing you inside of me

At 38 weeks pregnant, with 14 days to go, the week of my Blessing Way has now come to pass. An indigenous ceremony "a Blessingway is an old Navajo (native American) ceremony, which celebrates a woman’s rite of passage into motherhood...Unlike a traditional baby shower, where gifts are purchased for the baby, a Mother Blessing is all about nurturing the mother-to-be and celebrating motherhood.

As with most special events in modern society, baby showers have become very commercialised. If you were to ask someone to describe what happens at a baby shower, the answer would probably be something like, ‘where women get together and give gifts for the baby’. There is also so much focus on the new arrival and excitement of meeting the baby, and very little focusing on and nurturing the mother – ‘filling her cup’ – so it overflows with love. A woman who is given lots of love has more love to give in return – and there is nothing like a circle of loving women to get that oxytocin (hormone of love) flowing!"

My week beegan with my feeling very tired, with achy hips and feet, and that I was just about "done." I had hit a wall. I questioned my ability to keep working as well as to show up to my own blessing ceremony. While at my appointment with our Mid-Wives, I was encouraged to just RECEIVE. Indeed, it was indelible timing that the week for me to receive appeared just when I needed it the most!

So, I showed up to dance on Tuesday night first where I noticed that most of the cars in the parking lot beelonged to men. Inside the studio, my brothers offered me tender loving care as they massaged my feet, legs and hands, supported me from beehind, and gave me whatever I asked for. Heaven! Through non-verbal cues and language, these brothers of mine (and Uncles to you) bestowed us with their sweet blessings.

On Wednesday night, I arrived at the Frazee's home for our women-only circle. Of course many babes were there - beecause wherever there are women there is children, thus it is a crime against humanity to separate the two - running around the yard, beeing free and wild as the men were there to watch and care for them. Your Aunts, Letty and Jamie, had dressed the Yurt for our ritual and led an intimate group of us through a gentle foot washing and then into ceremony.

Entering the sacred womb last, my senses ecstatically took in a vibrant altar celebrating the Goddess, a platter of fresh bread, cheese, avocado and papaya, pillows surrounding the altar upon which sat a myriad of diverse Goddesses in human form, and a bed for me to sit and lay upon bejeweled with flower petals. A dream come true!

We beegan by sharing tales of our Birth Stories. Leslee, our Doula and your Daddy's "adopted mother," was there to share of how she birthed her 4 children at home, as well as 500 other babies as a Mid-Wife. I, however, had to honestly attest to how disconnected I feel to my own Birth Story. I don't know what it was like for my mother to carry me in her womb for those nine months. Did she love her belly, as it grew bigger and bigger? I also have no sense of what her delivery was like, or how she felt about her overall experience of her third and last pregnancy. Thus, I am re-righting the story with You. ;)

We finished our ceremony with the women disrobing me and then laying me down on a bed of flower petals, where I was ceremoniously massaged with copious amounts of coconut oil. A dozen plus hands kneaded my flesh and muscle, including little babe's hands that fondled my breasts like udders, as I relinquished everything and simply filled my cup with their nourishing touch. Soon, the women's voices beegan to rise and fall as they sang sweet hymns over my receptive body. It was pure magic made of human simplicity.

We concluded our ceremony with my choosing to remain in the Yurt. I just wanted to soak in the nurturing atmosphere. I also asked Aunt Gina to bring your father in, who laid down beeside me and together we just breathed. Soon enough, however, he was naked and we were engaged in sensual embrace. Once I felt totally full, I decided to honor your father with his own, intimate ceremony. So, I gave him a full body massage with cocount oil as I decorated his body with rose petals and read to him a few of the blessings left beehind in the Yurt.

YOU ARE OUR BLESSING, Cahlo Ra Moon.   

A Prayer for One Who Comes to Choose The Life
by Danelia Wild

May he know the welcome
of open arms and hearts
May he know that he is loved
by many and by one
May he know the circle of friendship that gives
and receives love in all forms
May he know and be known
in the heart of another
May he know the heart
that is the Earth
reach for the stars and
call it home
And in the end
may he find everything
in his heart
and his heart
in everything.

Some of your aunties loving me up

37 Weeks Pregnant and 3 Weeks to Go

You are my wings of transformation

My Dearest Sun,

What a journey this has been and, as eager as I am to meet you, I also want to keep on beeing pregnant.
(Can't I have both? ;)

Goddess, I've felt so emotionally balanced these last four to five months. The anxiety that usually has me biting at my fingers abated (look at my beautiful nails in the photo above ~ I've always wanted to wave around dainty, feminine hands but old, deep seeded feelings of not beeing safe kept me picking and chewing at my hands), and I've also been even-keeled without dips in either a low or a high direction.

This isn't to imply that "stuff" hasn't come up beecause it has and, in relationship, it does. Your dad and I just move through the discomfort as equally as we move through the fun. We are here to model to you how to do this because it's important work to bee able to bee with both. However, as he said the other day, your dad is starting to beecome 'impatient.' "Oh, you want your turn now?" I chided him. ;)

One year beefore you were conceived, I recognized just how imbalanced I was in my Feminine. I was all creative chaos and flow without the balance of a container to hold me. So, I called in my Masculine to help even me out. (And, here you are. ;)

A year ago, when you're dad and I first beecame lovers, I was walking from his apartment down Encinitas Boulevard ~ after yet another night of red-stained passion ;) ~ when I saw a rainbow stretched across the western sky. It was such an unusual tropical sight for our desert beaches. And, now, my pregnancy has peaked during an non-typical summer when, on a few occasions, the skies opened up and rain poured down. (We were all doing the happy dance each time this happened! Yes, Rain! We need you, we love you!)

It has been an auspicious time, indeed. The third in a series of summer Super Moons will be close to Earth again this month (next Tuesday, Sept. 9th to bee exact). A few of us pregnant Mamas are feeling the tug of the approaching moon's gravity already ~ we're tired and achy, and we're starting to feel "done" with our baking jobs. ;)

A "Baby Boom" is in full effect as so many of us Women are finding ourselves in the throes of Pregnancy and Labor. I beelieve it's beecause it is a Wood Horse Year (Chinese zodiac), full of Powerful, Masculine Seed. ;) (Your Papa is a Fire Horse, by the way.)

Not too long ago, your father and I were strolling south along Swami's beach when a butterfly flitted along beside us, and above washed up kelp beds, for what felt like over 5 minutes. Your dad asked me what butterfly medicine means and I told him it's all about transformation. Again, we felt the hands of the Universe at play ~ we know that you're life is more than meant to bee, it's destiny. ;) 
I also want to tell you about how, for many years there, I didn't think I would bear children beecause I questioned if it was a wise decision. Things on planet Earth are not looking too prosperous for the human race (along with too many other disappearing species). We're blatantly poisoning our water, air and land (and, thus, ourselves) in the name of greed. Personally, I've not felt overwhelmingly positive about a turn around for this predicament for too many years now. Giving Birth to You is My Choosing Hope over despair.

Like the Butterfly, I beelieve that you ~ and all of your Soul Brothers and Sisters who are also coming into human form now ~ are transforming the human genetic code that has prevailed for the past thousands of years from a culture of fear and ignorance back into our Organic Roots of Love, Authentic Freedom, Innocence, Purity & Joy. True Abundance with no stuff needed. Only Life Affirming Relationships with Self, Earth and Others will do.

What this means is that we need you to Live Your Humanity ~ to rise up and speak out for what is just; to cry and holler when life demands it; to lay down and nap often; to rise with the sun and set with the moon; to make Love to every moment beecause this is all we have; and to Dance and Rejoice in the faces of both Birth and Death.  

You are here for a Purpose.
It is with great meaning that your Life has been bestowed.

We Love You and Trust that Your Path will Unfold as it is Divinely Meant to,
Your Parents

Embodying LIFE

Gorgeous Mamas-to-Bee at Wild Willow

(Preface: This year, I haven't been tending to my blog writing as I have over the past few years. In fact, my writing here has now mainly beecome a LOVE letter to my soon-to-bee born Sun. Yet, I see that "you" are still here, reading past and current posts in countries all around the world. And I realize that these writings have always been about the future and what I am leaving beehind in my wake. It is my hope that whatever you find here inspires you to lead and co-create a life of magic and mystery, of harmony and balance, of wisdom and living with the Earth (instead of against it.) Thank you for your eyes and Soul Spirit. I See You...)

I AM EARTH

Twisting and turning, I blow into your life
Spewing and raging, I explode with abandon
Tearing and shifting, I break my way through.

Drifting and settling, I hold firm to the banks
Ebbing and flowing, I sway to the rhythm
Waxing and waning, I illuminate the night.

Howling and screeching, I swing across the sky
Burning and fusing, I transform light into life
Rising and rushing, I roll onto these shores.

Panting and prowling, I stalk my prey
Crawling and creeping, I forage through
Planning and observing, I notice you.

Smiling and laughing, I whistle in joy
Drying and rotting, I burn in the heat
Booming and resonant, I rumble through.

Contracting and tensing, I expand under pressure
Expanding and brightening, I reflect each surface
Taut and weary, I am shelter.

Wet and shaking, I drip in silence
Deep and dark, I prowl the shadows
All knowing and present, I am Consciousness.

Pungent, putrid and profane
Death, Dying and Destruction
Creation and Nothingness
I AM.

Your Mama & Dasia's Mama

34 weeks and counting

Me with you in my belly at 5 months!

My Dearest Sun,

You've surpassed the 5.5 pound marker and are now bigger than a cantaloupe and a pineapple.

You're a little watermelon, learning to seed himself! 

As for me, some people look at me and exclaim, "You're ready to pop!"

but I assure them that I am not. In fact, I am quite content carrying you for another six weeks,

even though life is a bit more laborious these days. 

I'm again finding sleep elusive as I toss and turn and swelter in this summer heat. Last week, it took me a few days to adjust to your extension up and into my chest, where my internal organs are currently located, so I was short of breath and exhausted. And, last night, it felt as though my palms and the soles of my feet were on fire! 

Still, with the discomfort, I revel in ease. My life is a breeze. I have Mama Ocean to jump into, a lovely nest where your Father and I keep churning the flames of transformation and where fans turn overhead, as well as an amazing community - both at work where the AC abounds and among our Soul Family, a diverse group of humans who continually gift us the hands-me-downs we need for the first few years of your life.

We are all so ready and eager to meet you.

Someday, if you find yourself preparing for Fatherhood alongside a burgeoning woman, I know that you will attend to her with great care - by rubbing her feet after a day's hard work while talking to your growing child in her womb. I trust that you will choose a woman who is both strong and vulnerable, who will let you see all of her while she also willingly, and without complaint, shoulders her fair share of life's trials and tribulations. 

I am so grateful for your Father. He is the perfect man to teach you about gentleness and compassion, about forgiveness and non-judgement. From him, you will learn how to balance your warrior strength and wisdom. 

We will teach you by modeling behavior for you. We will provide you with the priorities of life - healthy food, warm shelter and an expansive education - but we will not give you things. It will bee your job to earn the things you desire. You may not initially agree with us on this, however we will empower you with the skills you need to bee able to create for yourself whatever you want. The imperative and motivation will bee up to you. More than anything, we will raise you to know that you are merely a part of the whole - you are not the center of the Universe. 

We will make mistakes, and I hope that you can forgive me (and us) for all of them. We're just human - your Dad and I - doing the best we can to learn from our past, evolve into our future and bee present in this here and now. 

Yesterday, I finally came to understand the meaning of "getting one's body back after baby." For so long, it seemed like all it meant was about how a woman loses the weight and gets back to "skinny" (which is the supposed ideal.) I've now physically grown to a place where my underwear rolls away from my bump and my breasts, which sit plump on top of my full belly, sweat profusely and can emit a smelly funk from underneath them. It's so strange! 

Your daily hiccups reverberate in my pelvic bowl (which is so darn cute) and, now, when you move in my womb, I can see your body pressing into me as my stomach undulates like a ripple across a lake. It's so weird!!!! So, although I am in no rush, the prospect of having my "body back" - of beeing able to dance my dance (which intimately involves the floor) and to move uninhibitedly - is a refreshing thought.

Throughout my pregnancy, I have held firm to my intention for this experience, which was to use the local health clinic for a majority of my prenatal care and then transfer into the hands of an experienced Mid-Wife. My intention has been to not birth you in a hospital, but rather in a nurturing environment conducive to the Feminine Way. Trusting that this would happen, I simply kept moving forward, day by day.

And, the Universe responds accordingly.

A Birth Center, called the "Tree of Life" (which alludes to the interconnection of all life on our planet and serves as a metaphor for common descent in the evolutionary sense), just opened up around the corner from our apartment and one of it's birthing spaces is even called the "Moon Room." Synchronicity, indeed! The lead Mid-Wife has 30+ years experience dancing around the San Diego birthing scene. We also have an old family friend of your father's, a woman who was a decades-long Mid-Wife herself, stepping in to serve as my Doula.

My intention for our Labor Day in 6+ weeks is to work up to the night before your due, then go to Dance Church where I will dance and sway in the continuing opening of my cervix. We can walk to Tree of Life from there (or, our apartment). The welcoming shadows of the Moon Room will greet us, where I will climb into the coolness of the birthing tub and go deep into a meditative trance. Of course, all of this is purely intention - I remain open to whatever the Universe has in store. Without complaint or ill will, we will take each moment as it comes, breath by breath - just as we intend to model Life for you.

We're almost there, and I can't wait to hold you,

Your Mama

Your Papa has the best, most vulnerable smile!

Two Months to Gr0ooooooooow

My Lil' Yogi Bear - already meditating in my womb!

We've reached 31 weeks in utero together and you are now the size of a coconut, weighing in at 3.25 pounds. Considering how your Papa brings me a freshly opened coconut on mornings as I awake to relish drinking the straight shot of LIFE (through a straw), this only makes sense. In two month's time you will arrive onto this Earth and into our welcoming arms and loving hearts. After seven months of a slow, day-to-day experience - from my first trimester, when I would gaze at my flat stomach and wonder if you were really in there, to my second trimester, when my belly finally popped and all I wanted to do was nest, rest and use my energy to grow you (outside of my must-do responsibilities) - I am now experiencing a quickening of time. 

This cycle - from winter to spring and now into summer, when we have spent nurturing a burgeoning You - has been indelible, sweet and easy. I am so grateful for this experience - of again trusting the innate wisdom of my body while listening to it's needs and desires. I am fortunate and blessed to live in a beach town. The ocean is my reprieve as I've continually filled mine and your Daddy's bed with sand. I am living a dream - to wear dresses and dive in the ocean with my big belly as I am supported by a loving and present Man as well as an expansive and wide Community. All of who just let me bee - I don't want to tend to Dance or relating to a lot of people. I just want to pull in and continue to sow the dark fertility of growth within me. This is my job now - little else is of such high importance.

I'm certainly tired and this, I understand, will continue for awhile after your birth. It was the one thought I had regarding whether or not I could ever bee a parent - could I cope with the lack of sleep? I'm doing the best I can yet it's hard, truth bee told. Your Daddy, however, is very impressed by my attitude about it - although my lack of patience and frustration shone through yesterday morning when I whined to him that "you don't have to do anything; I'm doing it all; and that it really doesn't make any sense that our culture gives new babies their father's last name!!! After all, what did they do to bring you forth but enjoy shooting their seed?" ; ) I'm partially kidding, of course, as your Father is and has been amazing at tending to Me - I'm the One who neglects to ask for what I need! Still, I'm onto something about this last name thing - which is why yours is MOON.

You are a Child of the Moon, of our Universal Feminine Flow (balanced by the Masculine light rays of the Sun - which your middle name represents, of course) and I await the day when I hold you in my arms, stare into your deep eyes and smell your luscious skin. Until then, you shall grow quickly - you've got 5 pounds to put on over the next 9 weeks.
Ready. Set. 

GROW! 

I LOVE having an 'Outtie!'

3 More Months, and You're Here

My Baby, My Baby.
As the days pass
and my belly extends further,
I grow more and more excited
by your coming arrival.
My Baby, My Baby.
The boy clothes and things
begin to accumulate,
hand-me-downs from our extensive community,
as I open your drawer and run my hands over cute outfits and tiny shoes.
My Baby, My Baby.
I rub my belly, feeling instinctively into your growth,
at 26 weeks, you are now hearing our voices as we move about our day-to-day.
Your flutters and kicks, sometimes your elbow to my belly,
keep me on my toes,
my baby, my baby.
And, still, I don't know how life will bee once you arrive.
I can't imagine what you'll bee like or how you'll look.
(Although, your Dad seems to know.)
When people offer ideas, I simply respond with a "We'll see."
And, I'll bee happy to see you however you are,
my baby, my baby.
For now, however, I keep taking it moment by moment,
and day by day. Content to let you bake a little longer,
I beelieve in the power of my womb as well as the spiritual connection between us.
My Baby, My Baby.
My Soul knows who you are for we have spoken many times
- in my dreams and with a pendulum.
I know that you are happy, well taken care of, and that you are fond of your new birth name -
Cahlo Re Moon.
I also understand that come the Fall Equinox a smooth labor will deliver a healthy and robust You.
Until then,
my baby, my baby,
I trust US.

Your Birth Story

Cahlo Re Moon,

This is the tale of how you came to bee.
It's the story of your birth, which began long before you were born - thus, who is to say when it begins and when it will end? For birth and death are merely a continuation of the One thread of existence in which there is no beginning and there is no end; there is only transformation. Our story, however, takes place in this lifetime, when your parents found each other once again. What were the agreements we made in past lives to be here, now? And, what role did you play in all of this? Who knows.
Perhaps, time will reveal all.

Still, we want you to have documentation of the way you, once more, have come into beeing. For both your Father and I beelieve that the singular most important aspect of your conception, birth & soon-to-bee life is the depth of LOVE - including the width of our ecstatic embrace - that you were made from. For both of us, this has been one of the most profound evolutions in our lifetime - since it was not how either of us were made, or raised. It's the greatest gift we could possibly give you and we look forward to witnessing how our Love affects you.

Early on, I imagined giving birth to a "mini-me" daughter. My mind definitely knew that it wanted to give my body the experience of pregnancy and parenthood but, in my body, there was never a feeling of an intense urge to procreate. I didn't experience a "biological clock ticking" has many women attest to, although I have always energetically gravitated towards children and the innocence of babes. More than anything, I wanted to bee open to the Universe, for Spirit to move through me and manifest as it so chooses. I am grateful to your father for providing me with this, and I am so happy that it is you who are my son. You see, I've realized that there is one me in this world, which is more than plenty. Just as there is only one of your father. We don't want you to bee like either of us. We want you to bee You. 

Your Father and I have made plenty of mis-steps in our lifetimes. We're hoping to teach you other ways of beeing in this world in which you are free to make your own mistakes, yes. We just don't want you to perpetuate ours. Along the way, you may not like us for some of the choices we make in regards to your upbringing. We're okay with this. We're not here to bee your friend, although we would honor such close intimacy with you. Ultimately, we hope that you'll trust that everything we choose is with the highest and best (for all) in mind.

So, back in 2009, at age 32, I finally finished a 2.5 years MFA program. It took me four years to complete the task. This road was also paralleled by a relationship that I was then living within. At that time, I felt trapped in an unhealthy co-dependence, my artistic voice felt stifled and I mourned for the Love that I knew was my destiny but that I was fearfully holding myself back from experiencing. With my graduation and move out of the house I shared with my then boyfriend, I fully committed myself to my "Hero's Journey" (read Paolo Coelho's novel The Alchemist for more info on this idea) - which is the notion that we are all born with a special path. 

Over the course of the past five years,my spiritual, professional and social world broke open. Following my heart, I became active in the local, organic food movement because Mama Earth is Our Primary Mother. (I have simply been granted the honor of bringing you back into human form for another go at evolution.) As a child, the Earth was my teacher and my solace. She provided me with an escape from the chaos of my parent's home as well as with a purity of presence - of being with the wind in the trees, the clouds overhead and the mammals in the ocean. If there is anything I would ever ask of you, it is that you stand strong and fight for your (Earth) Mama as well as for all of her beeloved children (plants, animals, trees, insects and humans). Our world is at a tipping point and technology will not save us from ourselves. Remembering our primary connection to this land, to the air and to the water is the path of our salvation. It is my hope that you will bee a Warrior of Light, shining your potent beam through the muck of human ego, greed and dis-ease.

Five years ago, I had also already been tending to my first Love - Dance - by teaching locally, contemplating and writing about it, as well as building community through it. Then, I recognized the potency in connecting all that is LOCAL (San Diego food, music, dance & art) into "Soul Food" - a nourishing medicine that heals and feeds the Soul. Following this path was an extraordinary journey that introduced me to so many amazing people - all movers and shakers, whom I call my Soul Mates. The thing about soul mates, however, is that they are not necessarily meant to bee in your life forever and, sometimes, the lessons they unknowingly impart is more painful than pleasureful. Still, there is no bad or good here, there is simply wisdom, learning and growth as well as the choice for how we choose to respond in every moment. Trust your Body and your Instinct/Intuition - it always knows.

In 2010, I partnered with a woman in the opening of a downtown dance & yoga studio, as well as community center. While contemplating what to name our new space, I had a vivid dream about honeybees swarming around my lower legs after they flew in through the driver's side window of my mother's car that I was driving north on the I-5.  Listen to your Dreams, Cahlo. They are your deep psyche speaking to you in images and symbols. Create a dream journal (especially if you ever feel stuck in this world). Thus, we ran with the metaphor of Bees as the guiding principles for our "Prosperity Hive." After all, HoneyBees are the matrix that support life as we know it on planet Earth. They are currently in great peril due to the destructive behaviors and habits of human beeings. Many beelieve that once the honey bee perishes, we too will follow shortly thereafter. I hope the droning buzz of their song and dance stirs the life inside of you and moves you to swift action.

Life in the Hive was magical as my existence took on an amber hue and began to taste like nectar. During this time, I began to allow myself to really date - to bee with others and to receive my needs for pleasure and sexual healing without quickly jumping into a long-term relationship. This was a gift I had been wanting to give myself and I am so grateful that I did. By the time I finally chose your father, I felt extremely empowered by all of the experience I had accrued.

I expect you will bee respectful of all women (and others, including animals) that you engage and interact with, Cahlo. Treating them as the Queen Bees that they are, while honestly and transparently communicating your desires, wants and needs. Honey Bees are renown for their Cooperation, Communication, Balance, & Harmony. I know you'll listen to your heart, that you'll give yourself plenty of time to sow your seeds and that you'll choose wisely people who LOVE you for you - not for what you do, where you're from or where you're going to. 

So, I met your father at the end of 2011 while celebrating the housewarming of a dear sister. He had recently entered our Encinitas Dance Community. Taking photographs of our warm soiree on that late December night, his generosity piqued my curiosity. I inquired about him. Soon, he was rushing from work to visit my little Hive. I basked in his eagerness even as his vulnerability scared me. Still, life takes us where it does and the Hive came to a close in early 2012. One month later, I was bitten by a rattlesnake while traversing land I grew up on in Oceanside/Carlsbad.

After my full recovery I returned to downtown San Diego living, this time to an amazing Victorian house that I shared with five others, three chickens and a garden. Again, your father would eagerly rush to my doorstep, while his beat-up jalopy could barely keep up. In his arms, I felt oddly at home. I enjoyed his presence, openness and warmth. He admired the vibrancy I chose to surround myself within. One day, while catching some fresh air together on the front porch, he casually mentioned kissing me. I'm sure I turned beet red! Your dad scared the hell out of my ego, for it intuited that with him came transformation. (If there's anything to know about our dear ego it is that it fights to stay the same!)

Nonetheless, I was engaged in the dance of peeling away my old skin of an addiction to pain and suffering. Hence, I kept choosing people and experiences that reflected this. On my 36th birthday, your father gave me the one thing I really wanted - a vibrant tribe photo of me surrounded by so many beautiful others. Your father may not have much to give by means of materialism but he gives so greatly what he can. More than anything, it's the way he just chooses to LOVE that touches me deeply. And, you know, I wasn't the only woman on this receiving end. There were many that your father gave his open embrace, listening ear and willing heart to. I was just "the smart one," as he likes to say. ;)

We didn't spend a lot of time together outside of Dance and Swamis on Sundays, or the occasional special events, such as parties and get together's. Still, my Spirit was magnetically drawn to your dad, even as my ego sought to repel itself. With life's natural course came a deepening of our friendship. I'd call him up to discuss the ongoing antics of a community member. To me, his voice sounded comfortable, again like home.
Being friends meant that we were taking the time to develop our communication skills. Having been raised in a home devoid of emotional intimacy, the vulnerability of honestly communicating feelings can still scare me. But, because we have so much practice doing it together prior to beecoming lovers, it is like second nature. I trust that the three of us will build a life together of candid honesty while taking responsibility for our own feelings. 

So, 2013 - the year of the Snake - rolled in and my life was moving from place to place and from neighborhood to neighborhood. I was an untethered balloon, floating to where I beelonged. That spring, I recognized how imbalanced I was in my Feminine (of creative chaos) thus I intentionally called in my other half of masculine structure. When I moved into the Treehouse in South Park, I began to feel that you were nearing on the horizon. There were omens, such as waking up on my first morning there to a visiting single mother and her young son, both of whom were in the ShaktiRising Transformation course I had participated in two years prior - although, at that time, he was in utero, and then birthed, during the 12-week program. There was also the house baby, Gabriel - named for the Angel who came down to Earth to announce to Mary that she would soon be bearing Jesus.

Your dad would drop in for the dance classes I presented there. And, he finally garnered the courage to ask me out on an actual date. Again, I wasn't yet ready for dating him so I invited a girlfriend along. Ai! My feelings that night were all over the place - like a teenager, I felt annoyed by your dad and then, when he was behaving intimately with another woman, I experienced jealousy! I had no clue what was going on inside of me! Still, we stayed at our dance of "Should we, or shouldn't we?" with my fear usually having me bailing in the direction of "But we're just friends!" One day, while lounging at the Treehouse, your dad and I moved through a pretend session of mock labor. It was his suggestion to do so, after I asked for help about my feeling stuck with laboring creative projects to fruition.

Summer was ending as I prepared to fly to yet another nest. One of my roommates suggested I live in Encinitas, to which I immediately balked "No way!" Three weeks later, and here I was working at a local gift shop while staying with friends in this beachside community. Life wasn't working, or so it felt, and my heart was aching. Since I had declared 2013 the Summer of Love, I knew I was finally ready for a long-term relationship and to once more live with my Lover. Open and willing to try at Love, my ego was continually torn asunder by the choices I was making. It was the best medicine beecause, basically, I realized that I needed to surrender where your dad was concerned! Duh.

My move to Encinitas meant that we could spend more time together. We'd walk along the shore, talking about everything and nothing while stars burst into flames overhead and the ocean tumbled. On August 22nd, we went skinny dipping for the first time together. Although I was still too afraid to even look below your father's waist, he was a gentleman and asked if he could look at me. Standing beneath his gaze under the moonlight, I truly felt adored - a rare feeling. That night, I had to ask your dad to cuddle with me. As we lay cuddling in a bed together for the first time ever, he was again a perfect gentleman! "Burt," I finally said. "Yes," he responded. "What would you do if the world were to end tomorrow?" "I'd ravish you," he replied. "Well, then?" I asked. And we haven't looked back since.

There's this well known corporation called, "Burt's Bees."  It initially was co-founded by a beekeeper named Burt whose beeswax products made for popular lip balms and salves. It's funny how I didn't realize that my embodying the fertility and regeneration that bees stand for also relied on a Burt.

So, we spent the fall fervently loving each other. It hasn't always been "easy," but it has always been worth it. Your dad understands and adheres to the Power of the Dark Goddess. He honors our menstrual flow as he was painted by mine for the months prior to your conception. Initially, he didn't think he wanted to bee a father again. Having had a rough go at it the first time around, he was reluctant to do it again. Your sister, however, has always wanted to bee a big sister. You're her opportunity for doing so.

By the end of 2013, I committed to a renewed path in which I affirm that I do not have to suffer in this lifetime. I began seeing an acupuncturist for help with my lifetime ailment of headaches, which now usually accompany my menstrual cycle. You were conceived sometime around Christmas. Again, a perfect metaphor.

In early 2014, I shared my Love for your father openly in our dance community, speaking aloud my commitment to him. As the Year of the Horse drew nearer, you became a positive sign on two pregnancy sticks. I knew you were coming, and your dad knew you were here. At first, he was a bit bewildered by the prospect of 32 years of parenthood (?!?!) but he says that being a parent in partnership with me is a no-brainer. Duh. ;)

It's been a pleasure and a privilege to dance this dance with you as you grow in my womb and my body changes daily. We're doing our best to prepare for your arrival. We know that all you need is Love so we have little concern for materials. However, we are addressing the imbalances that have been rife in your father's home for too long now, attempting to create structure and rhythm before your arrival. Change is a wonderful thing and it can feel turbulent. Also, sometimes, others want to keep us stuck in their narrow conceptions so growth is not always a comfortable journey. But, again, it's worth it.

Obviously, I've known you were a boy for a year now. Having been surrounded by a household of women in his second family, your dad is excited for what you're bringing to our lives. When I was contemplating what to name you, I simply played with the letters of mine and your dad's names. This is where Cahlo comes from - (Ca)ra (H.) (Ca)dwallader + Burt (Lo). It's also a fun nod to the Mexican painter Frida Kahlo while being loyal to my first family's legacy of the letter 'C.' At first, I just mentioned this name as an idea to your dad. He responded by sharing that his brother, Calvin, who passed away a number of years ago from cancer, abbreviated his name to 'Calo' when he was in high school. It was then that I knew that this was indeed your name and that you just might be Calvin coming back to heal the mother wound he didn't take care of in his last life. (Your dad loves his brother immensely and misses him so much.)

Early on in my pregnancy, I had a dream that your dad and I were standing side-by-side as he led me through a ritual that involved hand signals. As we were performing this, I noticed a strong, masculine, warrior energy moving towards us. "I'm scared," I said to your dad. "Look down and just keep doing it," he replied. Calvin was a tall, strong man who was in the service. I hope you will serve Mother Earth and all her innocents with your fierce protection and erect spine while balancing a gentle Spirit and an open heart, Cahlo. 

Re, or Ra, comes from ancient Egyptian mythology and was the sun-god. You can research more about this deity on your own. I decided that I didn't want you to have strong ties to the past by carrying forward either your dad's or my last name. Instead, I want you to carve a new path towards Peace & Harmony, True Power & Authenticity. Moon is the natural complement of the sun. It's the balance of the Masculine and Feminine. You are this Embodiment. 
May you go forward and shine, my Dancing Star.

I can't wait to meet you.
I can't wait to know you.
I can't wait to change and grow with you.
I can't wait to build a life with you.

I pledge to keep my heart and ears open to your knowing, to let you just bee,
and to honor and cherish whomever you choose to beecome.

Forever Your Earth Mother,
CHC

Pregnancy @ 20 Weeks: Half Way There

Disclaimer:
Pregnancy is not glamorous.
Every morning, your nose chock full of boogers.
There's constipation, gas and gas pains.
Your skin stretches, maybe your breasts become fuller thus drooping closer to the Earth
and you experience an itchiness all over that comes with both.

Your sleep has already begun to be interrupted,
with fitful nights of tossing from side to side, then on your back for a brief stint
and, perhaps, on your belly in the early months.
Odd dreams, filled with hyper-sexuality, have you unconsciously dancing in bed.

There might be nausea and vomiting, lethargy and all-around tiredness.
There could also be strange cravings or a loss of appetite.
You find yourself turning your nose up to smells that once appealed to you.
No, there is nothing glamorous about pregnancy.

But what Pregnancy is 
is Miraculous and Powerful.

I am the Vessel with which another human being is coming into Life through.
It's not merely an idea, birthed through the labor of my mind.
No, this baby is real, live, screaming, organic and I have no control of how it's coming, when
it will arrive or any of the moments that will follow from here on out.
All I Can Do is
OPEN and SURRENDER.
And, there's the MAGIC right there.
That's the WILD WOMAN IN ACTION.

So, this gift that I am graciously (and some days, not so graciously) living through each day
is exactly that - a moment by moment, step by step experience filled with All of it.
The joy and the pain, the misery and the contentment, the beauty and the ugliness -
just as I imagine Parenthood to be. 

My belly is now rounder and protruding. My belly button is disappearing and I am not currently capable of performing some of the basic to advanced stretches that I have spent years practicing - such as child's pose, the bridge or the scorpion.

It's fun to laugh at myself as I tumble out of what was once rote positions.

Having been fairly protective of my womb, I have consciously chosen to rest more - in lieu of challenging myself to be some superwoman whom my life's experiences has taught me that I am not. More than anything, I always trust the decisions I intuitively make and I rely more on what my body instinctively knows then on any book or other person's experience.

Although my physical and emotional states have wobbled and I have fluctuated in and out of exerting the energy to physically move, what I am finding most enjoyable is 
Dancing with my Belly. Exposing my mid-drift from the onset of my pregnancy to now, at five months in, and moving with it in the mirror has been awesome! Witnessing these fantastic changes that are happening both inside and outside of me and simply being with it is a Goddess-send. 

More than anything though, with each passing day, I grow more and more excited to meet my Son.
Alas, I am patient because the boy needs to bake for about four more months. So, until then, I'll keep weaving my way in and out of this wondrous thing called Life. Sometimes happy, sometimes not, but always ALIVE and doing my best to keep learning how to just Accept What Is.

Cahlo Re: baby rising

I saw you for the first time
last week,
with your arm raised in a high-five motion,
it was as though you were signaling to me that you were
a-okay,
Cahlo Re.
The sonogram technician snapped away, photo after photo, of your xray. "Your baby is so photogenic!" she cooed, as she quickly placed the images in our hands. "I'm not supposed to take so many," she confided.
And, again, you took my breath away,
subduing demons of fear, anger, depression,
and anxiety, with a simple wave of your hand,
my Healer and my Son,
you are Cahlo Re.
Two words, your birth ushering in a renewed way of beeing in the world,
a remembered time when pain is again accepted as natural but suffering is not an option,
Cahlo Re.
A Divine Sun Child, you are descendant of Osiris and Isis,
comprised of your parent's complementary blood (Ca H. & Lo),
and reincarnated with your Uncle Calo's Vitality and Power.
With a wisp of Frida's Creativity,
you are already Dancing in the Shadowed Moon of my Full Womb,
Cahlo Re.
Last Summer, I Intuited your Coming
as the Angel Gabriel Announced your Arrival.
Then, after your Daddy and I moved through an afternoon of mock Labor,
I Dreamed of You in my Arms.
He and I spent the following Fall Loving Each Other,
my Menstrual Blood spilling between us like the Red Ocher Illuminating Ancient Cave Paintings
of a Phallus Initiated into the Halls of Priesthood.
A Germinated Seed Planted in the Dark of Winter, your Spirit Incarnates this Spring.
To you, we gift the Memory of Divine Love and Ecstatic Embrace
between two human beings,
Cahlo Re.
Your Falcon's Wings are once again taking shape,
and soon you will be ready to Fly. But for now, my Baby Bird,
you are the size of an avocado,
growing strong and steady within my sensitive Body and nurturing Soul.
After another Summer's Bounty
with my Belly near to Bursting
and into the Harvest of Fall,
I will fill your Soft Beak with the Nectar of my Ripe Breasts,
as we Flutter through Space and Time with You At Our Side,
Cahlo Re.

Being Tumbled in the Tumbler

Can we allow ourselves to fall?
Can we trust that we can catch ourselves?
Can we forgive when others,
inadvertently and accidentally, drop us?

These were the guiding questions for our March Tumbler and they provided fertile ground with which to explore our edges, press our comfort zones and authentically show up.

Again, returning to the blindfolds, we re-birthed ourselves through movement. One participant, who had reservations about coming to our class and was not feeling immediately safe, quickly dropped into fear and discomfort. Crawling her way forward, she found solace underneath a table where she hid and cowered. Others were so joyfully engaged in their dances with the dark that they were shocked to discover someone in distress over the same exercise. Seeing the participant's tears and pain, a number of us felt responsible. "Should I do something to help her?" my mind wondered, feeling sheepish in the role of 'teacher.' Until I remembered that the best I can do is to allow her to have her own experience; everything that is coming up is just Perfect. 

We then segued into partners where we practiced our verbal communication while we remembered how to let ourselves fall as well as be caught. Communal cheer lifted up from the studio and floated out on a Friday night breeze. We noticed how some of us tried to only fall with our upper torsos or how, for others, it was easy to trust another to catch us but not as easy to trust ourselves to catch our partner. We also noticed how difficult it seemed to just let ourselves fall to the ground, trusting that we could catch ourselves.

In our group game of 'Wind in the Willow,' one of our community members was eager to fall as he kept flinging his body weight into the hands of his peers. As a result, he - twice - found a gap in our circle through which he broke free and found himself laid out on the studio floor. Unnerved by having let one of our community members fall, we waded through the messiness of blame and finger pointing as well as of questioning 'What went wrong?' before we returned to the basics - our agreements for how are we supporting each other in this exercise.

In closing circle, we sat together and recounted all that came up for each of us - our pleasure and our pain; how our experience felt and where in our bodies we felt it; the places our minds went to and the stories it concocted for justifying our experience; and more.  We laughed at the follies and tribulations of this being human while breathing a little deeper as a whole - unified by sound and movement, by metaphor and embodiment, and inspired to go out into the real world in order to try on our new sense of Selves.

Come join us in being tumbled in the Tumbler.
Every 4th Friday in San Diego County.