One Month of Mamahood

My contented little Man passed out drunk on real milk

You're sleeping in the pouch on my chest. I gaze down at you and there is a softening, a melting, as a sweet smile graces my lips and I feel. More. than. words. could ever describe. Still, I will try beecuase I want you to one day know, and bee able to look back upon, how we have held you with the greatest of care and how your health and well beeing, as well as your happiness, have been at the forefront of our minds, bodies & spirits.

People inquire if motherhood is what I expected it to be. Motherhood Is. Everything. It's heaven, and hell. It's joyful, and painful and all that lies in between. It's hell when I hear you wail and I don't know how to comfort you. (I've been reading Dr. Karp's The Happiest Baby on the Block though, so that has been helping.) It's heaven watching the myriad of expressions come across your face, as you rest soundly. It's painful knowing that with each moment you are growing further and further away from this. And, it's pure joy to bee the Ones to experience each and every one of these moments here with you.

For me though, the most potent part of this experience is how primal this bond between us, between Mother and Child, is. It's a sacred union, as I savor knowing that it is my reassuring touch, it's my lilting voice, and it's my sweet milk that your perfect lips and Self seeks out. Sometimes, it is overwhelming ~ this responsibility for your around-the-clock care, yes, and for nurturing and honoring the Trust that lay between us.

Your trusting me is tantamount, as it will inform so much of how you move through the world in the future. It's scary to think that my mistakes will affect you, yet I trust in karma as well as the notion that you chose me exactly for the lessons I will knowingly, and unknowingly, impart unto you. I beelieve that this will see us through. As there have been times already when my inner monster - a demon that I thought I had smoked away - begins to rear it's head. It scares me! But, your father simply says that I need to not bee afraid of this aspect of myself, and that I simply must learn to befriend it. I love your father for he is wise, gentle and so damn non-judgmental! (It simultaneously drives me nuts!!! ;)

There's so much more I could type about, like learning your sounds and cues (or, more like trying to figure them out); about how you are giving your father and I a run for our money (good thing we don't have any!) with your late night (like, 1-4am) state of alertness; about your piercing wails and how newborns' tear ducts don't develop until about a month in; about your soft skin and perfect toes, fingers, hands, feet, legs, arms, face, head, lips, eyes, nose, ears, penis, scrotum, belly, chest, butt and more; and about how much we absolutely adore and love you. I have never known love like this beefore.
Thank you for beeing my teacher, Cahlo.

Forever Your Mum,
CHC

My two men, forever

You with your Gran Carol Ann