|With conception comes loss - it is only a matter of when|
In May of 2016, I knew I was pregnant within days of my conception.
Cahlo, my experience in carrying you in my womb for 10 months, offered me the opportunity to become more intimately familiar with my body. Although I had been in tune with the rhythm of my monthly cycle, mainly because it has been such a consistent pattern since I was 14 years old, I didn't really know my weekly rhythms and the processes, as well as symptoms, associated with them.
It was your father who knew I was pregnant with you first, Cahlo. I had no clue and I certainly could not experience any subtle shifts in my body during those first few months with you. After your birth is when my journey began into knowing my body more intimately as well as learning how to best support it (which I am continually learning).
Because I wasn't getting a whole night's rest and I was still breastfeeding you, my menstrual cycle did not return until early 2016. It was a month of emotional hell leading up to the return of my moon time, truth be told.
When I became pregnant, I was still struggling with monthly bouts of feeling depleted - which was usually associated with my moon time. Then, I was besieged by a morning sickness that took place around 3-5am in which I suffered through hot flashes followed by cold chills. Already struggling with feelings of depletion, I was often turning to an over-the-counter pain reliever to help me get through my days.
At sevens weeks pregnant, I began to bleed.
I have attached what I wrote about this experience below.
Writing is and can be a soothing balm.
In the future, you may wonder why your father and I chose to bring you, and your sister, into our world. I have written a piece about exactly this that I will post it next.
It's not a curse, you know, this being born - even when life outside our safe little walls looks scary and perplexing.
I believe that birth is an opportunity for the evolution of our Souls.
We have to believe in something and this thought brings me solace.
I am here to evolve this Soul that my body is carrying. I am here to help it grow and expand.
Some days, honestly, I am not so great at it. Some days, honestly, I feel like I will end up just like my parents - stuck in my own pain and unfeeling of all the pain of the world around me.
Other days, I feel hopeful - I did choose your father after all, and he is an amazing guy. ;)
I share all of this with you because I want you to not fear death but to intimately know that it is part of life and that all births come with a death sentence. When is the only variable. Some people believe that the longer the life the more work there is to do and, thus, the shorter the life the quicker the evolution of that soul.
One of life's beauties is that you get to decide what you believe. However, loss is never a choice.
|This is LOVE|
While holding the lifeless sack that I called ‘Espe’ in my hands, and after our son had woken from his nap, we placed it on a leaf and covered it with feathers. “Wings to fly with,” I whispered to my partner. Solemnly, we plodded into the backyard where my partner dug a shallow grave and we, along with our two year old, said our final goodbyes. A photographer, my partner remembered to grab his camera so that we could commemorate our experience. We then placed our sacred bundle in the hole, covered it with dirt and waited as the ants quickly found this final resting place. The next day, I placed a rock marker, vividly painted with Her name and brief flicker of life dates, on top.