Friday, December 30, 2011

LOVE is a Four-Letter Word

"Quit being so heavy," he exclaims,
as he smacks her on the arm with a swift, wake up slap.
"Owww," a small voice inside of her head wants to respond,
yet the woman inside of her knows that what she is being offered is a sweet gift.
"Yes!  I receive," she coos as she bends at the waist and makes her morning prostrations.

After all,
it's a choice.
Kind of like loneliness.
Kind of like everything, really.

The question then becomes,
what do I choose to focus my attention upon?

Another recommended that she focus on her underlying, residual anger,
but she knows that her resentment is only topical.  Its a superficial, façade for all of the sadness
that lay just below her surface.  She's sad because - god damn it! - she is still hurting from all of the time that came before spent focusing on the negative and on all that doesn't work.  Its pattern has become embodied memory and she must now cultivate the discipline to recognize it at once and then work to shift its intention.

Can she do it?

Only time will tell.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

LOVE is a Four-Letter Word

Messy and vain, dirty and downright suspicious,
love creeps in.

Violent and roaring, shaking the terrain with a firm grip,
love leaks.

Ludicrous and left-leaning,
all-encompassing and tragically beautiful,
love defies.

Confusing and confused,
ironic and platonic,
dutiful and despondent,
love hopes.

Lustfully and completely inappropriate,
Out of bounds, lacking boundaries, and desiring shelter,
love crawls.

Fucking and fainting, screwing and being screwed,
salivating and suppressing,
love lingers.
It passes like a flame in the night.
Torching my soul.
Leaving me to burn.
In orange anticipation

of more

a perceived wanting, created from some elusive need
for deeper growth, long-term commitments
and a much needed respite.
Love lasts.

Dirt-stained and totally pure.
Innocent and profane,
a sacred, divine
essence
comprised of four, little letters.

LOVE
Lets Our Voices Emerge.
Lifts Our Vibrations Elementally.
Long Overdue Vexations Eclipsed.

Brilliantly simple and needlessly complex.
Redundant and elementary.
In the blink of an eye,
eradicated.
In the shake of a hand,
agreed upon.
In a kiss on the lips,
desired.
Love.

It simultaneously kills us
and sets us free.
It breaks us down and tastes like great freedom.
A paradox born of the heart.
Love.
A peace of mind we seek.
Love.
Sinewy synapses released,
love.
Embodied memory,
love.
A body's story,
LOVE.
This time and place,
our here and now,
a collective tale
LOVE.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

On Peace and Resignation

I appreciated a long weekend getaway to spend time with my beloved familia at my brother's house in NorCal.  And, truth be told, I really needed to unplug from San Diego.  While enjoying downtime doing three of my favorite things - reading, eating and sleeping - I discovered myself embodying a new place.  I found myself residing in a state of peace.  There were no re-actions to my mother's anger, which she can spew with violent words and catty gossip.  My brother-in-law's attempt to shame me with words fell on an unflinching BodyMind.  And, there was no desire to be somewhere else, or with someone else.

I noticed the typical parade of thoughts as they marched through my mind and I allowed myself to be entertained by them.  They were simply images without any real traction for creating a response from my BodyMind.  There was no palpitating heart excited for another meeting with some elusive other and there was no racing distraction pulling at my steady pulse.  Although I recognized that I was lacking the discipline to oust the stories altogether in order to simply exist in a state of "Mindfullness," I decided that this was okay by me.  I just want to be human, after all.  I'm not looking to be some enlightened sage or, even, a wizened Dharma bum.  I just want to be me.

After months of a pinched nerve causing numbness in my arm, I relished the rest that has been returning my body back to whole.  I awoke in my nephew's bed with the orange hues of sunrise rising through the window and I tasted them with my breath.  There was no desire to be someone else doing something more profound with my life pulling at my center.  There was only this and it felt good.  It felt like peace.  Gone was my Ego's push to prove some thing, any thing.  All that remained was quiet comfort.  So, I began thinking that maybe I'll just let all my hopes and desires for a United US go.  Maybe, I can just trust that it has already been written and that I can just allow for whatever it is.

But, today, I returned to the Hive and to my job as its keeper.  It requires physical labor for me to maintain the sacredness of this space and I realized that although I welcome PEACE, I am not resigned.  I will not give up on what my heart is instructing me is a real, live possibility of PROSPERITY for ALL OF US.  I guess I was thinking that my passion had cooled.  Yet, the fact remains, I'm still deeply in love and I guess it's the only thing I want to believe in anymore.

The Written Word

I was eleven years old when I first began writing.
I had stolen from my sister a birthday gift that a friend had given her.  It was a blue and white diary - you know the kind that comes with the little, silver key?  At first, my diary entries were pure pithy - "Hello, Diary," I'd begin.  "What do I write to you?" I'd wonder.

I've always thought of my sister has a highly exceptional person.  As an example, when she discovered my thievery, she bequeathed me the book.  So, it made sense that I wanted to copy her every move - including putting the pencil to the paper in order to expose my little girl thoughts.  Of course I had no clue then that I was intuitively writing to save my life.  

I wrote because it was an outlet - a way for me to release all of the hurt and the sorrow that I found so difficult to verbally convey in my everyday life.  I wrote of the random beatings from my dad and of the day when I swore him and his last name off.  My written words told the tale of a young person confused by the contradiction of knowing deep love in her heart while experiencing violent conflict in her home.  

I wrote about my neighborhood friends, as well as about national politics.  And, of course, I wrote about boys.  By the end of sixth grade, that little book was full and on its back page was found the names of all those whom I had chosen to love.  I even created some bizarre key system that denoted who I "went out with," who I "kissed on the cheek," and who I allowed to stick his tongue in my mouth.  Oh, little girls!

Today, I have dozens of books filled with my writing.  Most of it is pure crap but, every once in awhile - if I'm lucky - a little gem will reveal itself.  Obviously, I still write and my intention remains the same.  I write to save my life.  When I began this blog, I did so in hopes of holding myself accountable to my writing.  At that time, I was living through an apex of my own self-imposed suffering.  No matter how much my graduate school professor implored that I write, I couldn't seem to pull myself out of the deep hole of apathy that I was residing in.

Creating this online space was a way to both release my feelings, thus taking some of the power out of them, as well as practice my craft.  Since then, I've come to know that others can and do read this blog, which has been a mixed blessing.  I'm delighted to know that my writing just might help to save your life, too.  This feels like service, and I appreciate knowing how I can and do positively impact the lives of others.  Yet, lately, it seems that I am checking the stats of who is reading what and from where way too often.  And, to be quite frank, "Frankly, I don't give a damn."

I don't give a damn if these words are read or not.  I don't give a damn if you like what I write or not.  Today, I still do this to save my own life - because if I didn't get it all out then I'd surely explode from way too much holding on.  Plus, my writing has always offered me the space and time for reflection.  It is also a way to craft meaning.  Sometimes, life can feel so ridiculously meaningless - like, what's the point when innocent people are murdered and a greedy self-absorption seems to be the revered way?  So, I write to LIVE - it's yet another radical act of claiming my rightful place in this here and now.   

Friday, December 23, 2011

One of My Favorite Poems of All Time for YOU, (a Christmas Gift)

If anyone asks you

how the perfect satisfaction

of all our sexual wanting will look,

lift your face and say,

like this.



When someone mentions the gracefulness of the night sky,

climb up on the roof and dance and say,

like this.



If anyone wants to know what "spirit" is,

or what "god's fragrance" means,

lean your head toward her or him

keep your face there close,

like this.



When someone quotes the old poetic image

about clouds gradually uncovering the moon,

slowly loosen, knot by knot,

the strings of your robe,

like this.



If anyone wonders how Jesus raised the dead

don't try to explain "the miracle"

kiss me on the lips,

like this.  Like this.



When someone asks what it means to "die for love,"

point here.


If someone asks how tall I am, frown and

measure with your fingers the space between

the creases on your forehead.

The soul sometimes leaves the body,

then returns.

When someone doesn't believe,

walk back into my house.

Like this.


When lovers moan

they're telling our story.

Like this.


I am a sky where spirits live,

stare into this deepening blue,

while the breeze says a secret.

Like this.




When someone asks what there is to do,

light the candle in her hand.

Like this.


How did Joseph's scent come to Jacob?

Huuuuu.

How did Jacob's sight return?

Huuuuu.

A little wind cleans the eyes.

Huuuuu.

And when Shams comes back from Tabriz,

he'll put just his head around the edge of the door

to surprise us,

like this.



Mevlana Jelauddin Rumi was a prolific Sufi poet

who spun around the Earth over 800 years ago.

"Your essence is hidden in dust.


To reveal its splendor



you need to burn in the fire of love."


(Burn Baby, Burn!!!!)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Wrapping It Up



It's been a MIRACULOUS 2011.  My personal and professional world exploded wide OPEN
and I count my blessings daily for the experience that this now continually brings with it.

The year began with Shakti and I finding ourselves living and working together out of the Prosperity Hive.  For the Hive's mystical birth on December 4th, 2010, Barry Logan of La Milpa Organica Farm dropped a $100 bill into my hand which I then spent at the Little Italy Mercato in order to feed our community on this amazing evening.  Afterward, our friends Sean Savage and Yuba Foxfire built our wooden loft within a loft platform with the money that was raised on the Hive's debut.  DJ Alan B. also hooked us up with a very necessary refrigerator.  Other than that, the Hive was a blank slate, an empty canvas awaiting for a DIVINE year to unfold.

Our Dance Jam and Encinitas Dance Community, including Devi, John, Ery, Corinne, Blaize, Samuel, Brooking, Jenn, Sara, Gwendolyn, Carey, Dave, Trina & so many more, repeatedly showed up for US by warming up our dance floor, bedding down in the Hive and then enjoying numerous brunches, the morning after, together. 

The brilliant artwork of Mario Torero has graced the Hive's walls since its official opening, along with the work of Rich Walker, Daniel Jaimes, Rory Canfield & True DeLorenzo.  Mario even painted live in the Hive on two occasions.

Local favorite Todo Mundo helped to kick off the Hive's launch and kept the live beats flowing through the spring.  The Hive's Peace Stage was consistently lit up by the amazing sounds of Joshua Napier, Universal Greetings, Sister Speak, Matt the Folkmuse Stone, Sweden's Kvartetten Raeken, Ariana Saraha, Song de San Diego, moon by you, and so many other amazing live, improvisational artists.

Sarva Dharma Productions brought both the Kirtan Rabbi to the Hive for a Friday night Shabbat service as well as the Earth-grounding sound and lyrics of Singing Bear.

Devra Gregory consistently held monthly space with her Sacred Soul Circles, as did the 1st Saturdays organization that gathers a 40-person strong circle together every month in order to "Help the Homeless."

Nikyta Palmisani shared an evening of her "Journeys with the Shuar Tribe in Ecuador."  Meanwhile, New Mexico's healer and singer Windwalker graced the Hive with her strength while providing me with some much needed hands-on healing. 

DJs Alan B., Johnny T., Matt B., and Dr. Diggs were instrumental in our celebrations of LOVE.

Lucilla de Alejandro of Suzie's Farm presented an Ojo de Dios workshop in the Hive (a few of my designs currently hang in the Hive) and also brought her twin daughters along for numerous Baby Boogie experiences, along with Leyla Makris, Carolina Godoy, Lorien Cortez, Jenelle Ferhart & many more.

Dance company Critical Morph debuted during the Spring Equinox, Super Moon event of "Persephone Rising," which was a rousing success produced by Jenn Shultz.

CSA boxes chock full of Sage Mountain Farm produce were provided for some of our neighbors here in the Art Center.

The Enchanted Gardener brought Sharon Alexander and her Jewish Gospel to the Hive for an afternoon of singing Jospel.

Angel Franquez held weekly space in the Hive by inspiring others to "Sing their Song."

Congregation Shir Ya Ham sponsored an afternoon of "Embodying Prayer" with Rabbi Diane Elliot.

The local 3HO Organization shared a Kundalini Yoga workshop in the Hive taught by Dhyan Khalsa, and accompanied with a live gong and music.

Shakti spent her summer traveling and moved out of the Hive in August.

I've held weekly dance space on Wednesdays and am eternally grateful for the small tribe that has continually gathered together, namely Sasha Peter Carter, Maya Ramirez Schwarz and Felix Diaz.  Together, we've shared our improvisational dancing live at Jon Block and Adam Rosen's Sight and Sound as well as Art Around Adams.

The Prosperity Hive was also at Here & Now, as well as presenting private concerts, along with Todo Mundo, at facilities for the under-served, such as senior citizens, psychiatric outward patients, and an HIV-support home.

A Peruvian Shaman lit up the Hive with his Icaros on a summer night.

Hasmik and Andrea brought the National Lawyer's Guild in to the Hive to sponsor a radical mixer on a summer night, called RadFest.

Amrita Joy Ananda Ma shared her ExtraTerrestrial Shamanism in the Hive, as psychic D.r. Peck cleared the Hive of any lingering past-life agreements.

Chef Centuhua taught an evening class of making raw pie and a super food elixir as Shaela Noella Roselena brought her sacred scents and sound.

The Break Bread and Build dinner series was born in the Hive during which a few dozen local San Diegans came together to explore what the meaning of sustainability is.

There have been countless sleepovers, brunches and meals shared together in delight and in honor.

For my 35th birthday, Gina Tang, Angel Franquez, and Marlon Frausto honored me with a day spent building during our leadership retreat.

The Soular Power Brigade was born out of the Hive and the Soular Flare on 11/11/11 was truly a palpable surge of restorative and rejuvenative energy.

Cynthia Salonista brought her Spaghetti Social to the Hive on Thanksgiving and it was an evening full of Shiva energy.

The HoneyFest San Diego organizational committee filmed a delightful video in the Hive that will debut early in the new year.  I can't wait for you to see it and I certainly hope that you will join US in celebrating not just an unBEElievable one year anniversary party but in promoting awareness of the crucial role that Honeybees play in our world.  HoneyFest SD takes place Jan 13-15th - here is the website link.

In this year's end, all that remains is 
LOVE.


True to form, I don't know what 2012 is to bring with it.
I can only hope that it brings YOU.  
Because, ultimately, it is your presence, your smile, your bee-ing and your dancing feet that enliven not just my hOMe, but my heART. 
It's all I could ever ask for...

Thursday, December 15, 2011

On My Power, Lost & Found (take III)

Boy & Girl, Bro & Sis

I received a "rejection" notice in my e-box today.  I've become more used to these "No's" than ever.  However, this one reminded me of being in my last semester of graduate school and, during the winter break, receiving the news that no, I would not be graduating and that, instead, I was required to demonstrate more valiant effort.  I cried, and played the victim then.  "Wahhh, poor me," I wailed to my ex. 

Today, the writing is on the wall.  Good luck, bad luck, who knows?  Plus, it is time I fully step up and put my action where my mouth is.  As, all week, I have also been rubbing up against the edges of the full self-empowerment of others.  And I recognized that I can give you a space but that I can't give you self-empowerment.  So, "how do I teach this?" is the question that arose in my inquiring BodyMind.  The answer that came is, "You can't, Cara.  You can only EMBODY it."
 
What losing and reclaiming My Power has reminded of is that the only way forward is by letting go of the past as well as releasing any static notions I have of what is to come in the future.  And, this means, that my EGO must (emotions) Go!  Because, ultimately, what Power, my dog, continually reminds me of is that what is the most measurable in this lifetime now is the way that we touch and affect one another.  Our Relationships are What Feed Us - deeply.  Our Connection with Each Other is the Only Thing That Will Sustain Us.  So, my ego must go because then what I implied about family and kids earlier is far from the mark...  

Today, I honor the challenge that is before me: can I let go of the heaviness of my past as well as release my expectations of any future outcomes so that I may fully embrace this here and now? 
Only time will tell.

On My Power, Lost & Found (take II)

Sweet Boy
And, I just bailed on all of them - Power, my ex and the second black lab we adopted together, Sweet Pea.  That was 2.5 years ago and, truth be told, I haven't been the greatest mother.  I just left - hoping and praying that life has a way of working out for the best and that we'd be together again when the time was meant to be.

I recognize that I write a lot about words like Love, Compassion & Loyalty, yet how do I truly embody this language in my day-to-day?  This week, then, I've spent quite a bit of time with my ex.  He's newly engaged, and he's still running around like a chicken with his head cut off.  In our conversations, I've had to be honest with the both of us that I allow myself to harbor pain and sadness over the four years that we spent together.  As a result, he's been encouraging me to look at our shared journey through the lens of positivity and learning.  Thus, as I have been scratching the surface of me deeper, I sense that laying below these more topical feelings is the heaviness of shame and guilt As I so boldly proclaim on my website, can I release my own tension, fear and pent-up emotion?

I don't know, 
but I'm willing to try. 

I also found myself projecting - very heavily - onto my ex.  I felt upset and angry when he told me that his fiance may be pregnant.  "What?!?!" I exclaimed.  He may have misinterpreted my feelings, which I immediately recognized was pure self-projection.  In my ex, I experience this profoundly powerful man who is the 21st century embodiment of Bruce Lee.  Deeply intuitive and intelligent, I want him to run, run, run with this power of his!  I don't want him to fall into the "trap" of marriage and kids before he gives himself a fightin' chance.  Ouch.  Yeah, I'll come back to that statement in a bit.


When I allowed myself to fall in love (especially with someone who did not look, speak or think like me) it was the hardest thing I had ever done, because I was finally forced to see that my shit did not smell like the delusional roses I was sniffing.  Hell, my shit stank so bad!  Meanwhile, he embodied all that I wasn't - creative genius, bold action, common sense, courageous valor (he illegally made that southern border crossing alone as a scared 15-year-old and has managed to create his own thriving businesses for himself since!) - where as I was (and still am, in a lot of ways), a spoiled and pampered American, mama's girl.  Double ouch.

Yet, for four years, I had the privilege of watching him in action and learning his tricks of the trade.  Now, I find myself in a role reversal where I am having to embody common sense and outside-the-box thinking, among other things, to my peers on a regular basis.  In the recent past, I worried that I would make the same mistake and be too hard on these others, just as my ex was on me.  True to form, this did happen with Shakti. Yet, I don't want to merely perpetuate the past.  Rather, I SEEK TO EMBODY A MESSAGE OF LOVE & COMPASSION.  
So, how does One do this?!?!     

On My Power, Lost & Found

My Power is...
soft. gentle. kind. loving. affectionate. open. curious. pure.
caring. furry. fuzzy. intuitive. instinctual. BLACK. funny. silly. airheaded.
observant. keenly aware. highly intelligent. youthful. sweet. hilarious. innocent.



What a week! 
My Power was literally lost.  Per the wild tendencies of both him as well as my ex, he sauntered right out the garage door and into the central animal shelter for the past two days.  Intuition told me "No, Power isn't in the shelter" and, thus, I lost valuable time, energy & resources driving all around town, making signs, & etc., without fully investigating the validity of my feelings.  Ai! 

Yesterday, I finally walked into the first animal kennel in the lovely Linda Vista Kroc Center and the first dog in the first door on the left is my very own.  He looked at me, as happy as always.  "There you are!" I spoke.  "We've been looking all over for you."  And he just smiled back, shaking his ass and standing there, waiting patiently.  "Power!" I finally cried and his whole body came to life.  "Ruffruffruuuffffff," he responded, as the recognition that he was "found" dawned on him.

Names and words aren't simply just spoken.  They hold meaning, they have intention and they transcend mere verbal communication.  Power, my dog, has taught me more about what true power is than, I think, any human possibly could.  My ex and I adopted him when we shouldn't have.  Both Mario & I are extremely irresponsible adults - running from our own selves, we barely stop long enough to really sink in to these moments, now.  Yet, pouring attention and love into something other than one's self can truly be a gift that keeps on giving.  So, Power was found by my ex's cousins and, at just eight weeks old, we brought him to our then shared home in Clairemont.

At that time, I was living through an apex of my own extreme, self-imposed suffering.  My daily walks with Power became not just a reprieve but vital life-learning lessons.  I'd drive him over to OB's Dog Beach and watch as he would joyously run up to every seated human being, asking them for what he ultimately only ever wants (which is affection).  Power makes connecting to others look easy.   

Monday, December 12, 2011

Hallelujah


 "Your faith was strong, but you needed proof,
you saw her bathing on the roof,
her beauty and the moonlight
overthrew ya.
She tied you to a kitchen chair, 
she broke your throne
and cut your hair,
and from your lips she drew a Hallelujah.
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah,
Hallelujah."

This is a tale that I haven't quite told yet.  It's about Love, which I seem to endlessly wax and wane upon.  I don't know what "it" is, and yet my whole life vibrates upon it.  I recently read Victor Villaseñor's newest novel, Lion Eyes - the title alone of which holds a lot of synchronicity for my own life - and I cried my eyes out the whole time.

I didn't purge endless tears because the non-fiction tale is sad and heart-breaking.  To the contrary, it is a head-spinning adventure of light and positivity.  Rather, I cried copious, fat tears because, at its heart, it's a story about a courageous man and the beautiful woman who was born to love him.  "It's written in the stars," she pronounced as a child when first experiencing her man's noble spirit.

So, I cried and cried and cried.  And, I cried and cried and cried some more.  In this era, when I feel so much pressure to move through the world as a strong and self-assured woman, it's a little embarrassing to be completely forthright about my honest feelings.  Yes, it's this kind of devotion that my bee-ing beats for.  Ultimately, it's why I left my last relationship.  I would find myself mourning silent tears because I was staying in a union that wasn't true to what my heart has always known is my truth.  Yes, the stars have also always told me that my Divine counterpart is here, on this planet, now.  I have many, YES!  And, I firmly believe in a core nucleus that comes together, each burning with their own bright genius, to generate even more nuclear fusion, aka LIFE.

Sometimes, I question if this is all just the brainwashing of my fairy tale loving culture.  Yet, I know it's not - because I'm not looking to be saved.  I can, do and have saved my Self - thank you very much.  Rather, I'm looking for you to not just show up and do the same but to step up higher and make manifest glory for all living creatures on this planet in whatever little way that you can

Then, I'll kneel down at your feet.  I'll jump into your arms and squeal when I see your lovely face.  I'll rub my scent all over you as I claim and mark my territory.  My BodyMind will tell US that this union is meant to be - divined through space and time - and all you will have to do is receive, accept and hold space.       

Apparently, "Hallelujah" is a song loosely based on the Biblical tale of Samson & Delilah, but I think their timeless love story runs deeper than this topically told narrative.  I think those words above, sang most profoundly by Jeff Buckley, hit the nail on the head.  We all need someone - like the Goddesses Kali Ma, Durga, Sekhmet, and so many more, represent - who is willing to puncture our pretenses of Ego so that we may touch the Divine and trust in that which is unseen, in the mystery of the Universe and in the unfolding of life and love by simply believing deeply.  Because it's when we tap into this that we each toss our hands to the sky and exclaim, "Hallelujah!"


As for me, I am still following my dream, as well as totem ~ the eyes of the Mountain Lion enjoyed a setting, autumn equinox, full moon as well as a rising sun with me last year out on sacred land in East San Diego County.  Here's the blog story I wrote about that experience.  

Yes, it is all unfolding according to divine perfect order.  All I have to do is remain consistent. Until then, cultivate your unwavering faith.  You don't have to see it to BELIEVE.  YOU JUST HAVE TO BEE.  Breathe it in, now.  And, allow for the idea that maybe there is someone here who you were born to LOVE.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Hibernation is Here

Wow.
I've become a Mama Bear in the short course of just one year.
Although I did contract a bit last winter, life wouldn't really let me rest.
There was a baby, known as the Prosperity Hive, to give birth to.
Like all good labors, she has required intention, time and energy and it has been the most rewarding work of my life.  For I finally became a Mama in the process and I am still sinking into the ways of bee-ing a benevolent and abundant Earth Goddess.  This past year has taught me so much, especially about Self-Compassion and Empathy - I am eternally grateful for the lessons. 

Today, my BodyMind demands that I spend most of my time, not just here in the Hive, but sleeping and resting.  Last week, even though I was struggling with my Mind, my Body knew this was for the best.  I've been suffering from chronic pain in my left wing, behind my scapula, since the spring, which led to a pinched nerve and my experiencing fleeting numbness in my left bicep/tricep since August.  Yes, I'm tired.  And, I'm pregnant.  Metaphorically speaking, of course!  (No actual human babies for this Momma ~ just yet.  ; )

A few friends and colleagues even dreamed of my pregnancy during this now past fall.  I think it's triplets and they're due around summer 2012.  I can't wait for you to meet them.  Cora is the most human-looking and sounding of them all.  She is very alive for me as I am doing my best to give voice to her story.  So, I'm taking care of all of US.  Pulling in.  Spending a lot of time in my dark cave.  Fattening up.  Re-membering how to truly just Bee.  And, TRUSTING this BodyMind of mine.  She knows.  "I" am just along for the ride.  And, gratefully so.  Because INTUITION is telling me to HOLD ON TIGHT and Rest Up.  Acceleration is here and 2012 is just around the corner.  Our spaceship is blasting off....  

 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Playing BIG

I LOVE PLAYING BIG.
I LOVE DREAMING BIG 
and tossing all of my metaphorical chips onto the table for a hand that,
intuition tells me, is spot on.
I LOVE TAKING RISKS 
(even though it has taken me a long time to learn how to take the big emotional risks along with the large physical risks that this embodied bee-ing has always relished.)
I love aiming for the Andromeda Galaxy because I figure that landing on the Moon will be just as exciting and wonderful an opporunity.
Also, I love trying.  In the end, my BodyMind needs to know that I gave my heart a 110% fightin' chance. 
I simply try not to expect an outcome and I cultivate gratitude for wherever I land.
It's the only way forward.

So, playing BIG - what does this look like?  It's not just a soundbite.  It's not just a word uttered at the end of yoga class, like "Namaste," yet left to bite the dust as the reality of the real world hits.  
Playing BIG means digging deep. 
It means allowing ourselves to be human and, guess what?  There are times when I feel like playing small, by whining about the small stuff, venting, complaining, etc.  And, this is okay.  I grant myself permission to show up how I need to in the moment because the only thing I can ever know is my own intention.  When I want to play small, I let people know that this is what I'm doing - "Hey," I say.  "I need to get this off my chest." 

However, my intention is LOVE ~ always love.  And, this is how I play BIG.  By loving myself first and foremost so that when I am feeling "small," I do not simply entertain my own dis-empowerment.  Rather, I acknowledge my feelings for what they are.  If I am feeling resentful or envious toward another, then I dig deep.  "What's going on, Cara?" I ask myself.  And the response I usually receive is as to how I have not been showing up in the way that this other is currently embodying. 

By noticing this, I challenge myself to take action in my own life so that I can feel good about my own movement through this world.  This is what then allows me the space to acknowledge the work, strengths and talents of others. 

Yes, I am a highly competitive human being.  I LOVE COMPETITION.  I love to chase and be chased.  I love to play games and win.  And, I love to play the coach as I cheer others on to their own winnings. 
However, the only person I can ever compete with in this world is ME (especially when we are all just mirror reflections of each other).  It is I who truly knows what I am capable of and as to what I am not capable of.  By honoring my weaknesses, I can hold your hand in partnership because your strengths help to lift me up.  It's so simple.

So, I TRY TO PLAY BIG most of the time.  I try to look at you through the gaze of love and compassion.  For you are me.  And I want you to WIN, to succeed, to be healthy and happy.  Sometimes, I am judgmental and ugly and I hope you can forgive me for being human.  ; )
Just as I will always forgive you.
There is just no other way to play.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

On Intention & Contextualization

I posted a video to youtube the other day.  Maybe you've seen it, & maybe you haven't.  I have yet to check back on Facebook to read the responses that have apparently been offered in response to it.  The reason for that is because my intention in creating the video was not for attention or for advise.  Rather, over the course of the past few years, dear friends from my dance community have taught me about the power of speaking my honest feelings.  One night, while sharing community in a conversational circle, I spoke of my deep hurt of having, at that time, been "dumped" by a man that the Universe "accidentally" bumped me into - ours was a head-on, full collision that, to this day, still haunts my dreams.  To my amazement, giving honest voice to my pain helped to dis-spell some of the power that was being held in my BodyMind.

Also, truth be told, I have not returned to see what others have to say about the video because, part of me, still fears my own vulnerability.  I was raised by a woman who taught me to swallow my feelings, to stuff my e-motion and to cover it all up with food and then purge it, when necessary, with media.  Tears were not considered sacred, rather they were something to be embarrassed about.  I've always played tough and strong and growing up in my parent's household it was what I had to do to survive the pleasure in pain that both my mother and brother (and, eventually, me) perpetuated.  As for my father, he too was cut off from his own feelings - thanks to alcohol, primarily - even though he primarily embodies the gentle nature of the lion.

Learning how to feel again isn't simple.  And, what I keep running into is a society that wants me to continue with the misogyny and madness.  But I refuse to allow my eyes to look at the front page of the New York Times - where, just today, an image of Afghani women and children are laying in pools of blood as dead and war-torn bodies lay strewn about - and to feel nothing.  The pain and suffering in this image is my own!  For we are all inextricably connected and what affects one of US, affects all of US.  

Until I can feel the pain of Others as my own, I remain detached and cut off from true reality!  And, this act - of demonstrating my real emotions without fear and without shame or guilt - is the way that I choose to OCCUPY.  It's my singular act of defiance in a culture that endorses a two-dimensional way of bee-ing in a world that is shifting our humanity into resembling more of the robotic nature of the technology that we are creating.  Feeling Deeply is my singular act of Rebellion and Defiance.  This is my Revolution!   And, damn it, I hope you'll join me! 

(Fine, here's the video - in case you missed it.)

Sunday, December 4, 2011

YOU

call out my name.
"Come," you whisper,
"slide.
On my body,
in my depths,
into my warmth,
my blankets of security.
Allow me to envelop and hold 
you,
in my arms,
of satin, of lace,
of whichever you prefer,
wrapped tight within
my bosom, my abode,
ME -
when two can truly become One."






And I call that
an "Ode to My Bed"  ; )





(....You're so vain - you probably thought this poem was about YOU.)

(Ok, ok - IT IS!  YOU, and U and U & u & u & u & u & u...)

Friday, December 2, 2011

On Death & Dying

I've been tickled pink by the appearance of a new, lovely other in my life.  She actively discovered her gift for drumming on an evening when she showed up inside of the Hive's comforting, yellow walls.  On this night, she walked in to discover a small group of us playing underneath a 100' long piece of white, sheath fabric.  I recall her entrance and how she first appeared quiet and reserved.  It took her a few, long moments to sink into the "Honey" (as she likes to call it) before she emerged as "RadSab" and we've been enjoying sacred moments in time together ever since.

She refers to the Hive as my "Dojo" and actively inquires as to why I am the way I am.  "Well, I guess it all began with my birth in Canada," is how I respond.  "Born into a small community, we closed off the one entrance and exit into our circular neighborhood every summer when we would create our own Olympic games."  Community is what I've always known, hence it is a value of prime importance in my life.  When my family made the proverbial cross-country road trip and migrated to So Cal, we naturally recreated what had been our "normal." 

Our neighbors in Oceanside/Vista, became our tribe and I am so grateful for it.  Canada may have introduced us/me to community however, San Diego enlivened this notion with the exotic scents and the pageantry of colors that my new neighbors represented.  From Palestine to Mexico, I enjoyed the taste of fresh-baked pita bread from my neighbors next door as well as the smells of traditional plates from Jalisco that wafted throughout the house across the street.  In this BodyMind of mine, TRIBE must reflect the diverse cornucopia of people that America so boldly represents.  

So, yesterday, I attended the mass and memorial of the Sicilian father who had kept a tight ship in that house across the street.  It had been way too long since I had visited with his two children, both of who, of course, have families of their own.  And, all I could feel when I looked upon their beautiful children was US in the early 80s and how familia is what makes life worth living.  Also, our very real mortality is just the perspective check that I have been needing.  With my head a little too far up my butt of late, I appreciated the opportunity to remember who I am at my core.  

During this holiday season, I will make it a point to reach out to my elders - from my neighbors who still live next door to my parents, in the house I grew up in, to the seniors at Cathedral Arms in Hillcrest.  Yesterday was a sweet reminder that the only thing we really have is "time" - as in this moment, now.  Postponing living until tomorrow isn't a wise investment because the day after just might not come.  And I, personally, have got a whole lotta LOVE to give - so I reckon I'll commence now.  

I LOVE YOU.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

On LOVE

"A heart broken open-
A crack in everything-
That's how the light gets in."  --SB

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What I've Been Working For


My Power

It's strange, I know you read these typed words, yet I don't always know who "you" are.  Sometimes, I wonder if my ex reads this blog - which would be ironic because, when we were together, my fluency with the written word intimidated him.  I type this because, after reflecting upon just a touch of what he taught me a few posts back, he recently reached out to tap in.  He just became engaged - of which I am whole-heartedly happy about.  At 38, this bold move of his is inspiring him to take other big steps in his life - like finally making that trip to China.  And, again, I am grateful.  Whatever it takes.  However, he's a powerful man who is in tune with the Universe and the Earth.  From the start of our relationship seven years ago, I would just have to think of him and he'd call.  Deeply intuitive, he could read me and any situation like the back of his hand.  Thus, he doesn't have to read me to feel me. 

So, we met up for Pho because he wanted to be sure that the dogs - our dogs - would be taken care of during his travels.  And I marveled at how our relationship is evolving.  For a long time, I didn't think I could be friends with my ex but now I'm beginning to see the light.  I gotta admit that I am hoping for life to work out the way that I've been working towards.  I miss my dogs.  Raising Power taught me so much about the simplicity of interaction.  I watched him run up to strangers and ask for what he wanted (which is always attention) and, truth be told, I've copied his lack of fear ever since.  Power has these eyes that are pure, clear and so-much-more-than-just-an-"animal."  He is one of my truest friends and I await the day when we are living together once more - just as it should be.

Last night, sadness visited me and it had been awhile since I had felt an emptiness within.  Although I am great at being alone, it's not really what I want.  My whole being desires, needs to live in community - with my dogs, with people of all ages and backgrounds, with Love.  So, I've been working towards creating space for more of us to bee together and I am hoping that this new time - of Mayan prophecy & 2012 - brings exactly that.  Relationships aren't easy, yet I find the loyalty that comes with long-term engagement to be one of the most rewarding and gratifying experiences in my short life.  As Gina says, "Relationship is the essence that feeds our Soular Power."  Indeed.

I guess I'm also hoping that next time around I'll swing into the middle ground.  After my ex, I found myself loving the opposite extreme of someone who has to read me to feel me.  Yet, power seems to surround this relationship too because no matter where I go people have to fill me in on this Other without any pre-emption from me and I think, "WTF?"


I'm not a hippie, by the way.  
I'M A WITCH!
 

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Mass of Miracles, take II

The past week was illuminated with the sweet taste of brilliant success.  Taking to a stage to "reform" (in lieu of "perform"), the Soular Power Brigade brought our organic, fresh beats, rhymes, rhythms and moves to Victor Villasenor's SnowGoose Global Thanksgiving where, thanks to Victor's assist, we led a 250 person+ conga line around the family's Oceanside ranch.  Later that week, I said to my newest business partner, Gina Tang, that "it'll be interesting to experience a "fail.""  "We can't fail," she responded.  "It's Soular Power."

So, Thanksgiving 2011 has come and gone and we are slip sliding into 2012.  The Spaghetti Social Goddess created an Italian and traditional feast of magnanimous proportions and shared it here in the Hive with a 25+ strong circle of diverse San Diegans.  I worked hard that day to maintain the integrity of this space, and though I wasn't surrounded by my closest of loved ones, I appreciated witnessing people's shoes coming off and the sinking into the moment that transgressed.  A group of strangers even found themselves willingly caught up in massaging each other's backs, feet and hands, in one corner of the Hive.

Earlier in the afternoon, four of us sat together in a meditation that consisted of deep breathing, setting intention, sharing observations and intoning.  And, later that night, when the Hive had emptied out by 9pm and three of us were left chatting on the couch, one of the men - who had been part of the earlier sitting meditation circle - insisted that we come together in intention once more.  Although I was absolutely beat, I had to run with his inspiration - especially after hearing him practice the T'ai Chi breaths he had just learned.

With some nervous energy, he gathered the three of us together and began our circle by offering gratitude.  And all my insides were cheering and whooping and hollering and bowing down and saying, "YES YES YES!"  Miracles, like successes, come in all shapes and sizes.  Some magical moments are so grand that their success burns like a giant orb of gas emanating brilliant light from the center of one's being.  Most of the time, however, miracles are small and witnessed by very few - but not because they happen so infrequently.  In fact, miracles can and do happen all the time and in many moments - I guess our human eyes just dull to their luster after living each day in their fullness.  Regardless of their size, however, miracles are equal in weight.

So, this past Saturday, the Soular Power Brigade was off-tune and out-of-sync and, as a result, we were too chaotic to generate and sustain a "palpable surge" of Soular energy.  By all accounts, we experienced the "fail" that Gina had, just that day, said we weren't capable of.  Yet, the difference is that even with a hint of "failure," the evening was successful and miraculous in its own right.  Through this process of trying to run with something, we're learning what does and doesn't work.  And in continuing to invite others in who have yet to experience Soular Power we are
"facilitating freedom,
sharing synergy,
connecting communities,
and promoting prosperity!"


It seems that failure no longer appears as it once did.  
And, that, in and of itself is a MIRACLE.

The Mass of Miracles

Weight has been on my mind, of late.  Perhaps, it's because of the return of my curves.  Ironically enough, since moving into the Hive almost exactly one year ago, I've been dancing less and sitting more.  Thus, my ass has expanded (and so have my thighs and my belly).  And, I don't mind.  In fact, I like it.  I enjoy that this body of mine can take on and let go of weight.  It feels natural and healthy.

When my BodyMind does try to guilt me into feeling some sort of malcontent because of the shape of my container, I just always remember how I USE it.  In the end, how I move this body through time and space far outweighs any trivial notions of what it "should" look like.  So, I've been contemplating weight lately and I've been noticing how it invisibly shows up in our relationships, too.  In the recent past, a few others (namely, younger men) have expressed that intimacy with me can feel "heavy."  I receive their words and I can relate - I have a best friend whom I have recently moved through a prolonged period of tension with.  Whenever just the two of us would spend quality time alone together, resistance - to what I perceive as "her heaviness" - would rise up in my body.

And, my feelings weren't fiction.  This woman has known and does know great suffering - far deeper than anything my innocence has been privy to.  Sometimes, its scary brushing up against such depth.  Yet, what I am learning through this process is that this depth is exactly what creates a container for holding space.  Sadness, pain, trauma and all of their residual by-products are real - no matter how much we only wish to focus on the positive.  When we are in relationship with each other, we must be able to be in the discomfort of these "shadows" as well as all of the lightness and fun.  

Interestingly enough, I have others in my life whose presence feels so light, so lacking of mass, that I experience our connection as superfluous and tenuous.  It's as though there isn't enough gravity to maintain orbit around each other so, instead, we go flinging off into some other, new galaxy.  Sometimes, I even experience this with people who's bodies are extremely pinched and thin.  It's like there's nothing to grab onto, nothing that keeps the relationship in motion, but air and gas.  Ultimately, I just want to chase and be chased on this great playground of Life, but without weight holding us down to the planet, there's nowhere to run.

 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Eat, Sleep, MOVE! (take III)

MOVE!

I refrained from calling myself a dancer for years because people have such funny notions about dancing, such as "not being able to do it."  And, everyone knows, that we are all dancers.  We were born to dance just as we were born to sing!  And it's absolutely heartbreaking to see people having a body but forgetting how to in~joy being embodied! 

The best part of DANCING is that it is ALL ABOUT RELATIONSHIP.  Yours, specifically.  
Dance is walking, for example.  You use your feet to press into the Earth and this Action propels your Body forward through space.  So, dance then is about your relationship to the EarthGroundFloor below your feet, first and foremost. 


Thus, in Dancing, you don't have to do the splits, spin on point, or look like the people on TV or in Music Videos.  
You can Surf, Ride A Bicycle, or Go for a Long Walk.
You can play tennis, snowboard, run a 5K, or climb a tree.
You can do whatever your heart desires, the point is to do something.  Yes, you can sit here.  And, don't just sit there.  MOVE!


It's why you're here - on planet Earth, now.  To USE YOUR BODY.  To fling through time and space.  To rub up against something (or someone).  To be pulled into an Other's orbit because their gravity is just so bold, so strong, so full of Mass.  
To careen wildly and wantonly.  To cooperatively move in synchrony.  To Bee as One.


Last Sunday, after the Soular Power Brigade had spent half an hour attempting to move a pre-Thanksgiving crowd of North County San Diego community members, the potluck's host came over the mic and began imploring those who had remained stationary and static in their lawnchairs to "MOVE!  Move Your Ass," Victor cried.  And, we sang right along with him.  
"Wherever your ass goes, your head follows," he said.


YES! 
Indeed.


MOVE!

Eat, Sleep, MOVE! (take II)

SLEEP

I just recently read an article in the "Health" section of the SD Union Tribune - it was a piece about how scientists have been "proving" that deep REM sleep is essential for a healthy life.  And, I'm like "Duh.  They PAY people to "prove" the obvious?" 

If you haven't noticed, I am a human of immense energy.  A day I live for (and just recently experienced last Sunday) is when I am in the kitchen helping to prepare and serve food (because as one of my mentors, Christine Stevens, taught me, "Feeding others is the quickest way to Enlightenment,") as well as inciting others to dance, move, express and "Bee Free" all the while documenting and living the process!  WHEW!  It's a lot of energetic output and the only way I can maintain it is by having sufficient rest.


In the Hive, I literally have a cave.  I have a small space that is my inner most chamber.  It is where I retreat to just about every night to replenish my Self.  It's dark and quiet and perfect for dropping in to deep REM (rapid eye movement).  It's a luxury that I provide for myself because I cannot function without good sleep.  Others are always welcome to sleep in the Hive and they do (two people are now catching up on their rest while laying on a blowup mattress), as I "selfishly" make my way into my private space.  I take this pleasure honestly and without remorse.  Because I know how I give, I also know how to take for my Self.

My ex-boyfriend believes that because we spend 1/3 of our lives sleeping then we should have an extremely comfortable bed and pillows.  I agree with him and I did become addicted to his memory foam mattress and pillows during our 4 year relationship.  However, my preference has always been more eastern in nature.  I love the floor, so that's where you'll find me - with just enough padding to provide comfort for my aging bones.  

Also, restrict the amount of media that you allow into your most sacred space.  Fill it, instead, with what deeply feeds you - like photographs of your loved Ones; good books to lay down with; mood lighting; images & words of Beauty & Inspiration.  I also like to have my deepest seed dreams written, painted, drawn out and hanging in this space.  As they help to remind me of my INTENTION for Being Here, Now.


Honor your body with what it needs by not inundating it with stimuli.  
Let it Rest.  
Let it Be.  
You Deserve.

Eat, Sleep, MOVE!

(preface:
Yes, I was profoundly touched by a book I read a few years back, entitled "Eat, Pray, Love."  At the time, I was spending good company, for intense weeks at a stretch, with a few "writers" and they were quite snobbish about Gilbert's work.  "It's too formulaic," they judged.  But I didn't care.  I loved every bit of her stories, her travels, her structure, her creativity & her self-deprecation.

Then, not too long after I published my graduate portfolio, the architecture of which was inspired by Elizabeth's use of the japa mala for organizing her journey of Self-Discovery through the 3 I's of Italy, India & Indonesia, I posted a piece here about "5 Instant Tips to Be Happier Now."  It's the singular piece of writing on this blog that has had the most "hits." 

Today, I am revising my advice for Happiness and have edited it down to 3 simple words.
Yep, you guessed it:

EAT, SLEEP, MOVE!)

EAT

WITHOUT SHAME, & WITHOUT GUILT.  EAT. WITH A SMILE & IN GIVING THANKS.  EAT LOTS OF GREENS - THEY PROVIDE YOU WITH THE NUTRIENTS YOUR BODY NEEDS IN ORDER TO ABSORB THE WATER TO KEEP YOU HYDRATED.  Spend $20 a week on purchasing fresh, locally-grown, organic greens from your Farmer's Market, or go to the store and buy organic Kale, Chard, Collard Greens, leeks, beets & more.  Toss all of the greens into a bowl with sunflower & sesame seeds, with raisins, kiwis, persimmons (whatever is in season) and top it all off with a savory or sweet dressing.  Or, toss all of the ingredients into a large pot with carrots, potatoes, tomatoes, and whatever else you fancy, and drink the broth and eat the stew.  Keep it warm on your stove top.  Serve it to friends during potluck meals. 

And, Eat what you like ~ I LOVE ICE CREAM, PIZZA, Frijole, Arroz y Queso Burritos, & beer.  I love chocolate and cookies - yum!  

I'm an omnivore and it's a dillemmna, YES!  And, I try to remember that animals are made up of energy too, so I want the energy I put in my body to be healthy - to have had room to run around and breathe, & to have enjoyed tasting the sweet fruit of this Earth during its short lifetime.  So, I try not to consume animal products that have been factory-raised in inhumane ways.

Eat.  Let your ass and your waist expand - in and out, out and in - like your heartbeat, like  your lungs.  You are not meant to be two-dimensional and of the same size and shape all the time.  You are meant to expand and flourish and to contract and hibernate.  

Eat.  Your mass is the gravity that attracts others into orbit around you.  Just as Elizabeth wrote about learning during her sojourn in India, "I arrived into Italy pinched and thin."  Too many of my women sisters eyeball their food intake with, seemingly, a sense of external judgment heavy in their gaze.  "Cast off these chains of mental slavery," I beseech them.  Our very weight is the heart of the matter.


 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Bee-ing the Dream

What do you dream?
What visions have danced before your eyes since you were a child?
When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?


Have you lived these dreams?  Are you living them now?  

More than likely, you're not.  Not because you don't deserve to or that you are somehow unworthy, but because your dreams have been bred out of you.  More than likely, you've been conditioned to think that those silly dreams were simply made-up of illogical and idealistic fantasies.  This is what the adults want US to believe.  Adults are dream-robbers and as each of US grows into this horrific role, we steal the beautiful visions right out of one another's hands.  Either slapping them way, or laughing maniacally at their "ridiculousness" until our collective mania - of running from our Selves and hiding from our own beautiful destiny - has become a complacent and apathetic "normal." 

Personally, this is why I've found intimacy to be one of my best guides.  An up close and personal look right into my own heart has, time and again, provided me with the deep, "Wake up!" electro-magnetic shock that my pulse has needed for a jump start to re-member.  To reclaim the dreams that still seep through my subconscious, that still seek to be made manifest in the cellular core of my very being.  

A few years ago, I came to a place where I knew I had to take bold steps forward in my professional life because, if I didn't, I knew that I'd never be content.  My contentment has little to do with how well I succeed and everything to do with how well I can be in relationship with Others.  It also has everything to do with knowing that I gave myself the 100% fighting chance to live my dreams.  If I fail from here, then at least I know I tried.  At some point, I recognized that if I wanted to be free in deep intimacy then I needed to try and be free as me in the world.


More recently, I have become increasingly aware of those who are chasing dreams and those who are bee-ing the dream.  Dream chasers tend to be unclear as to why they are here and for what their purpose is.  The only way to discover these answers is to slow down, listen, ask questions and receive all forms of feedback - including the signs of synchronicity.  However, dream chasers often feel frustrated by their own lack of patience and fortitude in the process.  They've forgotten how to cultivate the space for sitting in the discomfort of not knowing.  Dream chasers run after that which is elusive - like money or attention.  They seek outside approval and are easily influenced by the ideas of those who represent "success."  Dreams chasers want so much to live their dream but they're so ruled by fear that they do not allow themselves to experience the turbulence between chasing the dream and being the dream. 

Without the turbulence of change, however, TRANSFORMATION cannot take place.

Dreamers are the ones who show up on your doorstep with the red rose.  They're the ones baking the cakes in the kitchen and building towards another beautiful tomorrow.  Dreamers are walking along the seaside now, tossing wishes like seashells into a churning tide.  They are the ones who smile at you for no apparent reason.  Dreamers will use any tool at their ready to try and communicate their visions.  They will attempt to enroll your help, time after time again.  Dreamers will sing out of key and drum off beat.  Dreamers will fall down and pick themselves up again.  The dreamers are where you want to invest your energy, time and resources. 

Take a long, look around you.  Identify where you stand in this life.  
It's never to late to remember those initial seed dreams of your youth.  It's never to late to Be a Dreamer once more.

And, if you recognize yourself as a Dream Chaser, then sit in this - damn it.
Feel it.  Feel the sadness of not knowing for why you are here or for what your purpose is.  At the very least, honor yourself to be deeply honest with where you are now.  It's okay to feel confused and unclear.  This is natural.  Pretending otherwise is just a false mask that most of US can see right through anyways.  Be brave.  Have heart.  Take your mask off.  You don't need it any longer.  You have US.  You are US.  A Dreamer - through and through to your very essence.  All you have to do is BELIEVE. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Marking Time

Souls Flaring on 11:11:11

The choice we do have, however, is how we choose to perceive this moment, now.  For years, I, personally, walked through the world with a metaphorical gray cloud cover over my head.  Everywhere I glanced, I saw blatant injustice - from the towering billboards promoting a white world of mindless consumption to the ramshackle shantytowns of vulnerable and destitute people of age, color, war, sex and youth, living on the streets.  The disharmony was like a repetitive jingle playing out over and over again in my BodyMind.  It made me angry.  Unfortunately, I had no outlet for my rage.  Instead, it simmered and stewed within, nearly eating me alive from the inside out. 

What I have always had, however, is my own fortitude and passion.  Reflecting deeply on my own place of bee-ing, I began to take notice that days would pass by when I would hardly smile.  I began to recognize my own false mask, the one I would don for the camera or for public appearances.  Yet, when I looked closely into the reflecting glass on my own eyes, what I saw there was opaque and apathetic.  It hurt and, yet, acknowledging my sadness was a step in the right direction.

"Okay, Cara," I said to myself. "You can continue to choose to focus on all the $hit that is Fu%$#@-up, or you can focus your gaze on a vision that you firmly believe in.  On a path that holds people, art, agriculture, celebration, community and faith, as its guiding light.  And a future that feeds your Soul, deeply.  Which one is it?" 

Sitting in the office where I typed out my graduate school portfolio (entitled "Diving Into Embodiment") of the home that I shared with my then boyfriend, I distinctly recall this conversation with myself.  It was a palpable shift, and there has been no looking back ever since.  That was in the late winter/early spring of 2009, and the time that has continued to flow under the bridge has been glorious.  Sure, there remains life experiences filled with heartache and mistakes.  What is different about this now is that the pain and sadness are all par for course.  Rather than trying to elude or hide from the inevitable, I now try to embrace and allow for all things to exist in their own way.  Even ME.  (Sometimes, my way is hard-headed, over-the-top passionate and critically constructive.  And, c'est la vie.)


So, today, I marvel at the path that has led me here, now.  At the shocking similarities as well as sharp differences between myself and others, between this year and last, between love and fear.  I honor each trusted step forward.  WE feel where we are leading.  Our vibrant hearts are brilliantly keeping the pulse as we reclaim our lost beat - to our selves, to each other and to this planet Earth, the only home we have ever known.  Now is Our Time.  Our Story is Unfolding.  We are the Ones we have been waiting for. 



 

Friday, November 11, 2011

What If There Was No Choice?

What if this story - of our lives now - had already been written?
What if these moments now were all unfolding just as they were meant to?
What if the long debate you had with yourself - over whether to turn right or left on your path in this life - didn't matter one bit?
What if the time you spent contemplating what to do and how to do it and what if the consideration you put, into choosing the right school, the right job, the right partner, and the right friends, was all just energy expended for naught?  What if, in the end, there really was no choice after all?


Would you live differently now?
Would you toss your arms up to the sky and rejoice for another moment?  
Would you forgive mistakes of the past, as well as those that are to come, of yourself and others?
Would you liberate your self from your own mental slavery and simply accept and allow for whatever arises?
Would you open up your arms wide and embrace the Universe?
Would you hug strangers and tell as many others as you could that you love them?

What if there was no such thing as free will?
What if we were simply parts of one large organism, biologically created to do what needs to be done in order to simply move forward?
What if you simply trusted that you are endowed with the talents, strengths, skills and tools now and that you have already been using them?
What if you believed that you are here for a very specific purpose and that this mission is already being played out?


Would you Love?  
Would you cry?  
Would you care?


What if you were to breathe deeply and sink in to the knowing that,
"Good Luck.  Bad Luck.  Who knows?"


Would you Let go?
Would you move on?
Would you want to?



Thursday, November 10, 2011

Sitting with the BEauty ~ 11:11:11




From the potently full moon with Jupiter shining brightly below it to the brilliant orange and pink skies illuminating an eastern, early morning horizon, this NOW is unmistakable.  E~motion has been flowing through my BodyMind SoulSpirit right along with it.  Whatever is taking place, the resonance of a shifting planet and its people can be felt - if you're willing to sit with it, that is.  And, that's the key to this portal - otherwise, the change is too subtle to notice.

Transformation is happening on a very deep, cellular level.  Planets are aligning.  Our galaxy is expanding.  Some even believe that the cosmos is waking up.  If we're lucky, we can wake up right along with it.  We can begin to notice that the dissonant hum of the "normal" of our everyday lives - of where to go and how to get there, of who to see and how to behave, of chasing a disappearing dollar while hungering for what isn't, of forcing outcomes and manipulating results - can drown out the beautiful symphony that is always available to our BodyMind's senses so long as we are willing to tune it in.  

(Do you want to tune it in?  If so, it's simple.  Turn off the media.  Unplug.  Refrain from spending a lot of your time being inundated by popular culture - including mainstream news, sugar pop radio and television.  Just for now.  These things aren't inherently bad.  They are simply external stimuli that can clog our senses, rendering us unable to feel what is below our temporal bodies.)

There is nothing to comprehend or understand about this NOW.  There is only the allowing for what is.  Most importantly, however, there is the recognition of just how important it is to feel.  We do not seek to "control" our emotions.  And, we do not need to try to focus our minds, focus our minds, focus our minds - like hypnotic robotics.  Rather, let's just sit with the Beauty - which includes the tragedy of all of the violence and chaos that we have submitted both this planet Earth, as well as our human selves, to.  (If you resist this statement, then I recommend you watch Roberto Benigni's film, "Life is Beautiful" once again.)

Let's just sit here until we can feel, once more, the pain and sadness of rampant clear-cutting of forests across our globe, including great devastation within the Amazonian basin.  Let's just sit here until we can feel the emptying out of our great oceans of the marine life that has sustained our ways of being for millennium.  Let's just sit here until we can feel the mass murder of innocent humans who refuse to bend to another way - whether that be the way of religion, the way of economics, or the way of government.  Let's just sit here until we can feel that all of this pain and suffering deeply resides in each one of US (and not just the 99% of US - ALL OF US.  100%)

Personally, this is why I have been crying.  Tears roll down my cheeks because of my own culpability.  Time and again, my own ego runs amok.  When I fall into believing that I am an identity in this body, then I can behave in ways that, more than anything else, end up causing me pain.  I can say things that are unnecessary - either in boasting cockily about myself or events that have yet to unfold or in gossiping negatively about others.  I can run maniacally after some illusive finish line - a hurtle that doesn't even exist - as though this now were some competition to win.  I can compare myself to others - usually "losing" out on the successful end of the winning stick.  I can forget that I am simply here to enjoy this adventure - to sit with the beauty of it and just feel it for what it is.  No where to get to.  No one to see.  Nothing to do.  Only this, now.

Yes, I can cultivate a place inside of me that trusts that everything is unfolding just as it was meant to.  I can believe that there is something much greater than little old me can even comprehend at play here.  I can recognize that this story has already been written.  I can allow that I have no choice in this life - except to arise each day anew with gratitude in my heart and with love on my lips.  I can live by a way in which - no matter what happens - I will say, "Good Luck.  Bad Luck.  Who knows?"

As we ascend into our Unity Consciousness, I hope you'll join me.    

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

11:11:11 ~ It Ain't No Joke


Together, We OCCUPY Our Bodies, Voices, Hearts, Minds & SoulSpirits

 "11:11 is said to be a pre-encoded trigger placed in our cellular memory banks prior to our descent into matter which, when activated, signifies that our time of completion and ascension is near...Eleven brings the gift of spiritual inheritance, is gifted as the "Light-Bearer."  It is the number of the Light within all.  Strengthened by the love of Peace, gentleness, sensitivity and insight.  Greatest facility is the awareness of Universal relationship.  Is related to the energy of Oppositions and the Balancing needed in order to achieve synthesis.   Eleven is The PeaceMaker... "  

(and White Buffalo Calf Woman Rides Again. 
SHE HAS RISEN!)

November 8th, 2011
The Portal has been open for some time now.  It climaxes this Friday night.  Have you entered it, yet?
At first, I thought it was all bull-hooey, too.  "They" said that this ascension into Unity Consciousness would mean that we no longer would need to use the physical technologies we create in order to communicate with each other.  And, I thought, "Yeah, right."  "They" said that all we would need to do is think/vibrate on what we are calling in and that it will appear.  And, I again, I questioned and didn't believe.
Now, however, the doubt no longer remains.  It is so and I will share a few examples of how with you here just in case you, like I once was, are a non-believer.  This past Friday night, a small circle of women gathered here in the Hive in which we discussed both the wounding as well as the healing of our Divine Feminine.  Naturally, our collective desire to be in relationship - which can all too often lead to imbalanced co-dependencies - was shared.  In circle, I reflected upon my experiences of primarily moving through the world as a single woman.  Afterward, I reflected on being in middle school and having the same, sweet schoolmate phoning my parent's home often.  "Cara," he would say.  "Why don't you have a boyfriend?"  My response was always the same, "Because I don't need one."  (I was twelve mind you.  ; )
Lo and behold, this weekend, I receive a text.  "Guess who?" it says.  "It's your old friend."  And, there he is, someone whom I have not had any contact with - outside of good ol' Facebook (of course) - since high school!  (And, that would be, um, 17 years ago!)  This has been a consistent happening for months now.  I think/feel/intuit/vibrate upon someone's bee-ing and s/he pops up in my world. 
Another example comes from my recent experience of dancing with Jim Moreno as he recited the poem he had written about dance, which was inspired by a very specific dancer here in San Diego.  A wonderful muse alighted on his shoulder after our experience at the La Mesa SpaceBar, so we will be re-forming together again this Thursday night at Cal State San Marcos.  He has since revised his prose - the conclusion of which now reads, 
"she was born to dance her beauty born to dance
love smoke wind shadow smile proud dancer
lithe jillian born to leap to fly over mountains
lyric jillian born to music lovely jillian born to dance
born to dance for freedom, born to dance for justice
her dance speaks to us, her dance sings to us,
her dance reminds us
(I say) We
( I point to the audience and they say) Occupy
Her dance sings to us
We
Occupy
for the children
We
Occupy
for the generation who can't afford an education
We
Occupy
for the millions with no health care
We
Occupy
for the workers daily dying in the desert
We
Occupy
for the 99%
We
Occupy
To remind Main St is more important than Wall Street
We
Occupy
for Mother Earth sick with fever from corporate arrogance
We
Occupy
for the immigrant marginalized by ignorance
We
Occupy
for women wounded by chauvinism
We
Occupy
for the jobs the 1% eliminate for profit
We
Occupy
for our wages to improve to living wages
We
Occupy
to transform all wars to peace
We
Occupy
to stop the war in streets
We
Occupy
to return a woman's choice with her body
We
Occupy
to transform all wars to peace
to transform all wars to peace
We
Occupy
In the spirit of nonviolence
We
Occupy
to transform all wars to peace."

And, true to form, someone I don't really know posts a video on my Facebook wall of this same Jillian that Jim is speaking of being interviewed by the local news at Occupy SD.  
(Pa-dow!  
HOW DO LIKE ME NOW?)

THIS NOW IS REAL BECAUSE WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CONNECTED.  DEEPLY.  IRREVERENTLY.  OUR HUMAN BLOOD AND OUR EXISTENCE ON THIS PLANET EARTH IS A TIE THAT BINDS US.  TOGETHER.  
TAP IN.  FEEL IT.  KNOW IT.  BE IT.

This Friday, 11/11/11, wherever you find yourself, see this intention.  Vibrate on it.  We are one and the same.  Cut from the same cloth.  Let's move forward, together.  Hand in hand, like brother and sister.  Until then, listen to some "Love Frequency" to help drop you in to this NOW.  Here's a link.


Speak it, my brother!  NOW is the Time!