I appreciated a long weekend getaway to spend time with my beloved familia at my brother's house in NorCal. And, truth be told, I really needed to unplug from San Diego. While enjoying downtime doing three of my favorite things - reading, eating and sleeping - I discovered myself embodying a new place. I found myself residing in a state of peace. There were no re-actions to my mother's anger, which she can spew with violent words and catty gossip. My brother-in-law's attempt to shame me with words fell on an unflinching BodyMind. And, there was no desire to be somewhere else, or with someone else.
I noticed the typical parade of thoughts as they marched through my mind and I allowed myself to be entertained by them. They were simply images without any real traction for creating a response from my BodyMind. There was no palpitating heart excited for another meeting with some elusive other and there was no racing distraction pulling at my steady pulse. Although I recognized that I was lacking the discipline to oust the stories altogether in order to simply exist in a state of "Mindfullness," I decided that this was okay by me. I just want to be human, after all. I'm not looking to be some enlightened sage or, even, a wizened Dharma bum. I just want to be me.
After months of a pinched nerve causing numbness in my arm, I relished the rest that has been returning my body back to whole. I awoke in my nephew's bed with the orange hues of sunrise rising through the window and I tasted them with my breath. There was no desire to be someone else doing something more profound with my life pulling at my center. There was only this and it felt good. It felt like peace. Gone was my Ego's push to prove some thing, any thing. All that remained was quiet comfort. So, I began thinking that maybe I'll just let all my hopes and desires for a United US go. Maybe, I can just trust that it has already been written and that I can just allow for whatever it is.
But, today, I returned to the Hive and to my job as its keeper. It requires physical labor for me to maintain the sacredness of this space and I realized that although I welcome PEACE, I am not resigned. I will not give up on what my heart is instructing me is a real, live possibility of PROSPERITY for ALL OF US. I guess I was thinking that my passion had cooled. Yet, the fact remains, I'm still deeply in love and I guess it's the only thing I want to believe in anymore.
