Cahlo Re Moon,
This is the tale of how you came to bee.
It's the story of your birth, which began long before you were born - thus, who is to say when it begins and when it will end? For birth and death are merely a continuation of the One thread of existence in which there is no beginning and there is no end; there is only transformation. Our story, however, takes place in this lifetime, when your parents found each other once again. What were the agreements we made in past lives to be here, now? And, what role did you play in all of this? Who knows.
Perhaps, time will reveal all.
Still, we want you to have documentation of the way you, once more, have come into beeing. For both your Father and I beelieve that the singular most important aspect of your conception, birth & soon-to-bee life is the depth of LOVE - including the width of our ecstatic embrace - that you were made from. For both of us, this has been one of the most profound evolutions in our lifetime - since it was not how either of us were made, or raised. It's the greatest gift we could possibly give you and we look forward to witnessing how our Love affects you.
Early on, I imagined giving birth to a "mini-me" daughter. My mind definitely knew that it wanted to give my body the experience of pregnancy and parenthood but, in my body, there was never a feeling of an intense urge to procreate. I didn't experience a "biological clock ticking" has many women attest to, although I have always energetically gravitated towards children and the innocence of babes. More than anything, I wanted to bee open to the Universe, for Spirit to move through me and manifest as it so chooses. I am grateful to your father for providing me with this, and I am so happy that it is you who are my son. You see, I've realized that there is one me in this world, which is more than plenty. Just as there is only one of your father. We don't want you to bee like either of us. We want you to bee You.
Your Father and I have made plenty of mis-steps in our lifetimes. We're hoping to teach you other ways of beeing in this world in which you are free to make your own mistakes, yes. We just don't want you to perpetuate ours. Along the way, you may not like us for some of the choices we make in regards to your upbringing. We're okay with this. We're not here to bee your friend, although we would honor such close intimacy with you. Ultimately, we hope that you'll trust that everything we choose is with the highest and best (for all) in mind.
So, back in 2009, at age 32, I finally finished a 2.5 years MFA program. It took me four years to complete the task. This road was also paralleled by a relationship that I was then living within. At that time, I felt trapped in an unhealthy co-dependence, my artistic voice felt stifled and I mourned for the Love that I knew was my destiny but that I was fearfully holding myself back from experiencing. With my graduation and move out of the house I shared with my then boyfriend, I fully committed myself to my "Hero's Journey" (read Paolo Coelho's novel The Alchemist for more info on this idea) - which is the notion that we are all born with a special path.
Over the course of the past five years,my spiritual, professional and social world broke open. Following my heart, I became active in the local, organic food movement because Mama Earth is Our Primary Mother. (I have simply been granted the honor of bringing you back into human form for another go at evolution.)
As a child, the Earth was my teacher and my solace. She provided me with an escape from the chaos of my parent's home as well as with a purity of presence - of being with the wind in the trees, the clouds overhead and the mammals in the ocean. If there is anything I would ever ask of you, it is that you stand strong and fight for your (Earth) Mama as well as for all of her beeloved children (plants, animals, trees, insects and humans). Our world is at a tipping point and technology will not save us from ourselves. Remembering our primary connection to this land, to the air and to the water is the path of our salvation. It is my hope that you will bee a Warrior of Light, shining your potent beam through the muck of human ego, greed and dis-ease.
Five years ago, I had also already been tending to my first Love - Dance - by teaching locally, contemplating and writing about it, as well as building community through it. Then, I recognized the potency in connecting all that is LOCAL (San Diego food, music, dance & art) into "Soul Food" - a nourishing medicine that heals and feeds the Soul. Following this path was an extraordinary journey that introduced me to so many amazing people - all movers and shakers, whom I call my Soul Mates. The thing about soul mates, however, is that they are not necessarily meant to bee in your life forever and, sometimes, the lessons they unknowingly impart is more painful than pleasureful. Still, there is no bad or good here, there is simply wisdom, learning and growth as well as the choice for how we choose to respond in every moment. Trust your Body and your Instinct/Intuition - it always knows.
In 2010, I partnered with a woman in the opening of a downtown dance & yoga studio, as well as community center. While contemplating what to name our new space, I had a vivid dream about honeybees swarming around my lower legs after they flew in through the driver's side window of my mother's car that I was driving north on the I-5. Listen to your Dreams, Cahlo. They are your deep psyche speaking to you in images and symbols. Create a dream journal (especially if you ever feel stuck in this world). Thus, we ran with the metaphor of Bees as the guiding principles for our "Prosperity Hive." After all, HoneyBees are the matrix that support life as we know it on planet Earth. They are currently in great peril due to the destructive behaviors and habits of human beeings. Many beelieve that once the honey bee perishes, we too will follow shortly thereafter. I hope the droning buzz of their song and dance stirs the life inside of you and moves you to swift action.
Life in the Hive was magical as my existence took on an amber hue and began to taste like nectar. During this time, I began to allow myself to really date - to bee with others and to receive my needs for pleasure and sexual healing without quickly jumping into a long-term relationship. This was a gift I had been wanting to give myself and I am so grateful that I did. By the time I finally chose your father, I felt extremely empowered by all of the experience I had accrued.
I expect you will bee respectful of all women (and others, including animals) that you engage and interact with, Cahlo. Treating them as the Queen Bees that they are, while honestly and transparently communicating your desires, wants and needs. Honey Bees are renown for their Cooperation, Communication, Balance, & Harmony. I know you'll listen to your heart, that you'll give yourself plenty of time to sow your seeds and that you'll choose wisely people who LOVE you for you - not for what you do, where you're from or where you're going to.
So, I met your father at the end of 2011 while celebrating the housewarming of a dear sister. He had recently entered our Encinitas Dance Community. Taking photographs of our warm soiree on that late December night, his generosity piqued my curiosity. I inquired about him. Soon, he was rushing from work to visit my little Hive. I basked in his eagerness even as his vulnerability scared me. Still, life takes us where it does and the Hive came to a close in early 2012. One month later, I was bitten by a rattlesnake while traversing land I grew up on in Oceanside/Carlsbad.
After my full recovery I returned to downtown San Diego living, this time to an amazing Victorian house that I shared with five others, three chickens and a garden. Again, your father would eagerly rush to my doorstep, while his beat-up jalopy could barely keep up. In his arms, I felt oddly at home. I enjoyed his presence, openness and warmth. He admired the vibrancy I chose to surround myself within. One day, while catching some fresh air together on the front porch, he casually mentioned kissing me. I'm sure I turned beet red! Your dad scared the hell out of my ego, for it intuited that with him came transformation. (If there's anything to know about our dear ego it is that it fights to stay the same!)
Nonetheless, I was engaged in the dance of peeling away my old skin of an addiction to pain and suffering. Hence, I kept choosing people and experiences that reflected this. On my 36th birthday, your father gave me the one thing I really wanted - a vibrant tribe photo of me surrounded by so many beautiful others. Your father may not have much to give by means of materialism but he gives so greatly what he can. More than anything, it's the way he just chooses to LOVE that touches me deeply. And, you know, I wasn't the only woman on this receiving end. There were many that your father gave his open embrace, listening ear and willing heart to. I was just "the smart one," as he likes to say. ;)
We didn't spend a lot of time together outside of Dance and Swamis on Sundays, or the occasional special events, such as parties and get together's. Still, my Spirit was magnetically drawn to your dad, even as my ego sought to repel itself. With life's natural course came a deepening of our friendship. I'd call him up to discuss the ongoing antics of a community member. To me, his voice sounded comfortable, again like home.
Being friends meant that we were taking the time to develop our communication skills. Having been raised in a home devoid of emotional intimacy, the vulnerability of honestly communicating feelings can still scare me. But, because we have so much practice doing it together prior to beecoming lovers, it is like second nature. I trust that the three of us will build a life together of candid honesty while taking responsibility for our own feelings.
So, 2013 - the year of the Snake - rolled in and my life was moving from place to place and from neighborhood to neighborhood. I was an untethered balloon, floating to where I beelonged. That spring, I recognized how imbalanced I was in my Feminine (of creative chaos) thus I intentionally called in my other half of masculine structure. When I moved into the Treehouse in South Park, I began to feel that you were nearing on the horizon. There were omens, such as waking up on my first morning there to a visiting single mother and her young son, both of whom were in the ShaktiRising Transformation course I had participated in two years prior - although, at that time, he was in utero, and then birthed, during the 12-week program. There was also the house baby, Gabriel - named for the Angel who came down to Earth to announce to Mary that she would soon be bearing Jesus.
Your dad would drop in for the dance classes I presented there. And, he finally garnered the courage to ask me out on an actual date. Again, I wasn't yet ready for dating him so I invited a girlfriend along. Ai! My feelings that night were all over the place - like a teenager, I felt annoyed by your dad and then, when he was behaving intimately with another woman, I experienced jealousy! I had no clue what was going on inside of me! Still, we stayed at our dance of "Should we, or shouldn't we?" with my fear usually having me bailing in the direction of "But we're just friends!" One day, while lounging at the Treehouse, your dad and I moved through a pretend session of mock labor. It was his suggestion to do so, after I asked for help about my feeling stuck with laboring creative projects to fruition.
Summer was ending as I prepared to fly to yet another nest. One of my roommates suggested I live in Encinitas, to which I immediately balked "No way!" Three weeks later, and here I was working at a local gift shop while staying with friends in this beachside community. Life wasn't working, or so it felt, and my heart was aching. Since I had declared 2013 the Summer of Love, I knew I was finally ready for a long-term relationship and to once more live with my Lover. Open and willing to try at Love, my ego was continually torn asunder by the choices I was making. It was the best medicine beecause, basically, I realized that I needed to surrender where your dad was concerned! Duh.
My move to Encinitas meant that we could spend more time together. We'd walk along the shore, talking about everything and nothing while stars burst into flames overhead and the ocean tumbled. On August 22nd, we went skinny dipping for the first time together. Although I was still too afraid to even look below your father's waist, he was a gentleman and asked if he could look at me. Standing beneath his gaze under the moonlight, I truly felt adored - a rare feeling. That night, I had to ask your dad to cuddle with me. As we lay cuddling in a bed together for the first time ever, he was again a perfect gentleman! "Burt," I finally said. "Yes," he responded. "What would you do if the world were to end tomorrow?" "I'd ravish you," he replied. "Well, then?" I asked. And we haven't looked back since.
There's this well known corporation called, "Burt's Bees." It initially was co-founded by a beekeeper named Burt whose beeswax products made for popular lip balms and salves. It's funny how I didn't realize that my embodying the fertility and regeneration that bees stand for also relied on a Burt.
So, we spent the fall fervently loving each other. It hasn't always been "easy," but it has always been worth it. Your dad understands and adheres to the Power of the Dark Goddess. He honors our menstrual flow as he was painted by mine for the months prior to your conception. Initially, he didn't think he wanted to bee a father again. Having had a rough go at it the first time around, he was reluctant to do it again. Your sister, however, has always wanted to bee a big sister. You're her opportunity for doing so.
By the end of 2013, I committed to a renewed path in which I affirm that I do not have to suffer in this lifetime. I began seeing an acupuncturist for help with my lifetime ailment of headaches, which now usually accompany my menstrual cycle. You were conceived sometime around Christmas. Again, a perfect metaphor.
In early 2014, I shared my Love for your father openly in our dance community, speaking aloud my commitment to him. As the Year of the Horse drew nearer, you became a positive sign on two pregnancy sticks. I knew you were coming, and your dad knew you were here. At first, he was a bit bewildered by the prospect of 32 years of parenthood (?!?!) but he says that being a parent in partnership with me is a no-brainer. Duh. ;)
It's been a pleasure and a privilege to dance this dance with you as you grow in my womb and my body changes daily. We're doing our best to prepare for your arrival. We know that all you need is Love so we have little concern for materials. However, we are addressing the imbalances that have been rife in your father's home for too long now, attempting to create structure and rhythm before your arrival. Change is a wonderful thing and it can feel turbulent. Also, sometimes, others want to keep us stuck in their narrow conceptions so growth is not always a comfortable journey. But, again, it's worth it.
Obviously, I've known you were a boy for a year now. Having been surrounded by a household of women in his second family, your dad is excited for what you're bringing to our lives. When I was contemplating what to name you, I simply played with the letters of mine and your dad's names. This is where Cahlo comes from - (Ca)ra (H.) (Ca)dwallader + Burt (Lo). It's also a fun nod to the Mexican painter Frida Kahlo while being loyal to my first family's legacy of the letter 'C.' At first, I just mentioned this name as an idea to your dad. He responded by sharing that his brother, Calvin, who passed away a number of years ago from cancer, abbreviated his name to 'Calo' when he was in high school. It was then that I knew that this was indeed your name and that you just might be Calvin coming back to heal the mother wound he didn't take care of in his last life. (Your dad loves his brother immensely and misses him so much.)
Early on in my pregnancy, I had a dream that your dad and I were standing side-by-side as he led me through a ritual that involved hand signals. As we were performing this, I noticed a strong, masculine, warrior energy moving towards us. "I'm scared," I said to your dad. "Look down and just keep doing it," he replied. Calvin was a tall, strong man who was in the service. I hope you will serve Mother Earth and all her innocents with your fierce protection and erect spine while balancing a gentle Spirit and an open heart, Cahlo.
Re, or Ra, comes from ancient Egyptian mythology and was the sun-god. You can research more about this deity on your own. I decided that I didn't want you to have strong ties to the past by carrying forward either your dad's or my last name. Instead, I want you to carve a new path towards Peace & Harmony, True Power & Authenticity. Moon is the natural complement of the sun. It's the balance of the Masculine and Feminine. You are this Embodiment.
May you go forward and shine, my Dancing Star.
I can't wait to meet you.
I can't wait to know you.
I can't wait to change and grow with you.
I can't wait to build a life with you.
I pledge to keep my heart and ears open to your knowing, to let you just bee,
and to honor and cherish whomever you choose to beecome.
Forever Your Earth Mother,
CHC
