Last week, I found myself rendered inert by my own pain and sadness.
I couldn't dance. I lacked the motivation to write, to exercise, to make myself feel better. All I craved was junk food, a good book and a comfortable bed. My body, mind, and spirit desired, needed, sleep, healing, & rejuvenating slumber.
Yes, I had been triggered. I had willingly allowed another to project pyschological abuse onto me. It was heavy and it hurt. I berated myself, "how could I have stayed in such a situation for so long?" and I wondered, "what is wrong with me that I keep going back for more?" As the days passed, my energy, my life force, my chi became more and more blocked and stuck. My intestinal processes refused to budge and I began to emit foul smelling, noxious gases from my rectum. Still, I slept.
Because I have been staying back at my parent's home, in the house I grew up in on Ridge Road, all I had to do was look around me, here, to realize that my actions over the course of this past week merely emulated those of my most primary example - my parents. I also recognized that for years now (hell, as it been almost a decade?), I have been unable to truly move forward with my life, to sincerely grab hold of my dreams and make them my reality, due to this self-imposed and physically manifested abusiveness. (As is the nature of life, we attract to ourselves our mirror images - even as a standard cliche mistakenly purports that "opposites attract.")
Fortunately, I am finally at a place in my life where my community is expansive, supportive, and deep. Although my vibrational frequency was extremely low last week, I kept my commitments to: meet with a friend and have a nature photography shoot; to work with this same friend in the studio, on his posture and alignment; to meet with another dear friend for a sunset beach walk, conversation, and dinner; and to attend a fundraiser for La Milpa Organica at the Belly Up Tavern (I forced myself to attend and I'm glad I did for the live music and my dancing feet lifted my spirits a bit). In the process, I also shared with some other community members how I was feeling. The advice I received in return was to try and find the sadness in the dance and to remember compassion - for myself.
Ultimately, what this experience drove home for me was that now is the time for me to work on and to truly own my boundaries and agreements. What I mean by this is that I need to clearly define for myself what is okay, in terms of my own behavior as well as how others treat me, so that I can then effectively communicate, in the direct moment, when my boundaries have been crossed and when this is absolutely not okay. "I did not like that touch." Furthermore, I need to continue practicing defining and communicating my boundaries so that I have crystallized the protective measures of walking away, for good, when the need arises. I need to harness the discipline of doing this early on in every relationship, in any kind of relationship, so that I am no longer confused by the imperfections of "love."
Yes, I have walked away, for good, this time around. No calls, no visits, no friendship, no way.
Conversely, I am simultaneously working on my agreements. In other words, I am developing the clarity in knowing what I want. Then, I am applying this understanding in my day-to-day communication. For example, I am learning to ask for what I desire, in every moment - water, a cleaner knife, a kiss, a raise, to be recognized, to be humbled. The flip side of this discipline is that I may not always receive what I want. Through my practice, I am learning to not just accept rejection but to be grateful for it. I am beginning to appreciate and honor the "No's" because they too provide a learning lesson while possibly opening other doors. (What about that other, old adage: "When one door closes, another opens?")
I have found two, great role models here in San Diego whose life's work begins with these two premises. Kamala Devi and her partner, Michael McClure, have been married for seven years. Together, they are raising a young child. They are also national advocates for polyamory, and they are well known figures within the Tantra community. Yes, everybody, what I am writing is that Tantra is teaching me basic life skills that, for some reason, are not taught in our contemporary model of education. (And, why is this?)
As the dancefloor has illuminated, the metaphor of movement can be applied to all arenas of my multi-faceted life. Thus, whether or not I choose to use these developing skills, of exerting my boundaries and inquiring of my agreements, in polyamory is irrelevant. What matters is that I wield and utilize them to craft and create for myself the life story that I have always dreamed. At almost 33 years of age, no one, not my parent's, my past boyfriends, and nothing, including my previous experiences, is responsible for the choices and decisions I make now, today. Today, I take full responsibility for me and my behavior, for self-actualizing and becoming the woman I dream of and the human being that I already am!
