Slowly, I've been learning how to bee gentle with myself. It hasn't been easy to learn, however.
Especially in light of this chronic habit I have for making lots of mistakes. "Damn!" I'm constantly mis-stepping, or so it feels. Sometimes, I strike out with my right foot, only to have it land painfully on someone's leg. It used to be that, when sensing my mis-step, I'd contract my foot, leg, and fear, in around me. "Oh Cara!" I'd chastise myself. "You bad person! You've done it again; you've hurt someone." I'd spend days and hours longing to take back my mistake and to set everything into proper order; perfection. I've also given away years to the fantasies in my head that were longingly playing out images from my past or that were deeply attached to visions of the future. I really had no clue that, in each of these cases, I was hurting myself.
Yet, what this now has been saying is that for each of my seeming mistakes, all is in proper order and life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to. I am coming to the place where I can and do apply this feeling to my relationships with those around me, as well. I'm not leaking my energy by trying to figure out "Why?" or in seeking to "understand" anything. The mystery cannot be cognitively understood. It can only be felt, sensed, experienced & embodied. So, I'm just trying to let it bee. And, when those "mistakes" happen - because invariably they do and, for me, they happen a lot - I'm experiencing breakthroughs as a result of the "break downs" (in communication, for example).
Perfect case in point was my arriving to teach a Movement & Embodiment Arts class last night 30 minutes late! "Ai!" A past me could have chosen to not show up, at all. This me arrived late with an arm full of toys (drum, harmonica, balls, markers, etc) and a desire to connect with where the group had begun warming itself into. What flowed was LOVE. Guided by something much bigger than this little, old "I", we concluded our intentional time together with purposeful moments of long silent, stillness. This was a new edge for me, and I must confess "I loved it!"
When we're blaming ourselves and not letting go of the past, or of our expectations, Life can be way too LONG. It can pull, like gravity, on our Souls, sinking our Spirits, drooping our shoulders, rounding our points, dulling our sheen, masking our brilliance. However, we are not our actions - what we say and what we do is not the totality of our bee-ing. This "we" are only brief, millisecond snapshots in the great flowing river of time. And, what I'm also discovering is that gathering with others, in community, with the practice of presenting ourselves to this moment, here and now, is the most gentle way for making our short lives long.
