(The following is from a letter, typed this morning. I felt it conveyed a message that is pertinent to this arena.)
Remnants from last night that I must convey, express, and let go of:
What I heard you saying in regards to the, to MY, San Diego Dance Community
(a community, by the way, that is older than the both of us),
is that you feel unsafe and that you perceive a lack of depth as well as raw vulnerability within it.
Yes, you are entitled to your feelings and to being in your place of becoming
(wherever that is) while in our shared area. It is NEVER my intention to imply otherwise or
to "force" anyone else to feel, express, and experience, the way I do while in this arena.
However, I feel the need to speak up for this beloved community of ours - for this lifeblood of mine
that sustains and nourishes my emotional well-being on a weekly basis. I chose to speak up for
this sacred space last night by pointing out what I feel is a selfish lack of compromise, even though I knew
that by doing so I was potentially creating disharmony and sowing seeds of discontent.
In the moment, this did not feel good or comfortable - whatsoever. Nonetheless, I chose to defend something
I believe in - because, otherwise, my silence would have been a complicit act of enabling (enabling you to continue to sit in your place of judgment, criticism, and projection).
This morning, I am compelled to point out a number of glaring contradictions in your words and deeds.
There have been a number of occasions in which I have approached you, and you have completely blown me off. You have refused to even try to engage with me. Therefore, my body intuitively responds and chooses to give you a wide arc of personal space so that you can process through your own healing. Your non-verbal language has conveyed to me to stay back, and stand clear. Why, then, would I place my hands on you, and attempt to give you anything in terms of physical/emotional healing, when this is the clear message you are sending? Then, on the day when I was lying in the back changing room, suffering from my own physical pain, and when I could have used your healing hands, you chose to walk by me -
heading directly into the bathroom where you changed into a bathing suit top and looked at your mirror reflection - TWICE!
You judge my peers, my friends, my beloved community members, for their "lack of raw vulnerability," yet you do not understand that choosing to show up, week after week, to be present, and to allow others to bear witness to the process, is, in and of itself, raw vulnerability.
You judge me for my "little girl'ness" yet I am every inch a self-actualized and deep woman (even if I have serious room for improvement). I spoke up last night, and my words produced in you a desire to bite back - which you did - to protect your withering defenses. You even slapped my arm - twice. When I called you on it, you again responded from your vulnerable defenses. "I did not hit you," you retorted. I did not appreciate your touch, I did not deserve your touch in that way, or in that context. Still, you did not apologize for your actions.
Then, when you were reduced to tears because you were finally realizing that all of this is self-created
blocks that your mind uses to separate you from me, from us, you became tearfully emotional and I offered my hand, to your knee, softly, gently, to soothe, and to remind that I am here, and that I support you.
But then, I left angry! Angry that I was left feeling unsafe in your home, and at your hand. Angry to be judged when all of your judgments are mere reflections of that which you have yet to accept in yourself. And angry that, again, it felt selfish - that I, along with others, am merely invited in to your home, week after week, to bear witness to YOUR process. Going in to someone else's home and sharing feelings, deep seeded emotions, is yet another act of raw vulnerability. I can not help but to notice that you do not invite others to host the potluck at their homes. Who is really suffering from a lack of vulnerability here? Just because I do not cry, and well up physically with sadness, does not mean I am superficial, always playful, and somehow lacking depth. Quite to the contrary.
Last but not least, the innocence of play is direly needed in today's world. Playfulness, curiosity, and the generosity that is a result of these, is an integral part of my practice and will continue to be so.
Perhaps, you can learn to harness some of these life skills for yourself.
