A few posts back, I ruminated upon force. I spent a week, or two, eschewing the word - contemplating its role in my life; actively discussing the topic with others; and then, finally, coming to a catharsis in which I recognized that there can be "good" in force. However, what I neglected to mention in that posting was the shadow side of force - abuse.
I had to experience some of its affects, such as a loved one grabbing my arm in a forceful manner and then proceeding to emotionally berate me (I understood that this person's behavior was not personal, he was simply responding from a place of deep hurt and fear) before I made a long, overdue emotional break. What was most poignant about these moments is how I, through my own processes of introspection, meditative thinking, and curious questioning, was learning to honor myself. "I do not deserve that touch, nor do I deserve this behavior," was a deafening call that I had finally learned to both listen to and heed. (Yes, at 32 years of age, I am just coming into my own. Shall I be ashamed of this, or shall I revel in it? Considering the fact that I now have over half a lifetime left to make different choices, I think I will choose the latter - thank you very much.)
However, this posting is not about abuse. Rather, I wanted to write of the shadow self, especially in regards to how it relates to physical and sexual attraction. If you have not already made the connection, I was referring to my now ex-partner in the above. I do not share this because I want to convey any ill will towards the man. Quite to the contrary, he is a beautiful, amazing being whom I love and care about deeply. We simply were drawn together during a period in each of our lives when we were feeding the whims of our shadow selves on a daily basis. After all, no one can "abuse" us unless we are actively abusing our selves first. (Just as no one can set us "free," if we do not create our own liberation first.)
With that said, I have been a single woman again, after four years of a monogamous coupling, since July. I have not spent this time looking outside of myself - for any thing. My intentions, for the most part, have been focused inward - on a pursuit to teach myself how to fill ME up with all that I need so that I no longer project any longings in an outwardly direction or suffer through any ideas that what I seek is with/out. What I have been doing is observing my whole self in motion, and noticing where my energy is drawn, to who, and why.
Just this past weekend, two instances revealed themselves to me in which I noticed that I was once again, strongly and with animal force, attracted to a shadow self. In the first case, I had been harboring painful feelings of attraction for another, for years now. Yet, there has always been a schism in how this person and I interact. On the dance floor, our engagement is flowing, intuitive, juicy, and generous. However, in the day to day, our interactions are awkward, disjointed, and there appears to be a serious void when our bodies touch.
Ironically, only a few months back, I noticed how split my own self seemed to be. There was the me who moved around a dance floor with grace, ease, and lacking fear, and there was the me who moved around the "real world" deeply afraid of judgment, denial, and rejection. I have been resolved, ever since, to mend this divide - to actively engage in as many moments of life from a place rooted less in fear and my vulnerable defenses and more from an open and expansive vulnerability that is softer, gentler, more yielding.
In this person, I also recognized my mirror image. More specifically, I saw my fears of my own sexuality and sexual attraction reflected back. What I mean by this is simple: for entirely too long now, I have been afraid to speak my desires, to give voice to that which I want. Yet, I deserve (just as you do) to give myself the chance to receive. Even if the receiving is a, "No, thank you. I am not interested and I do not feel the same." At the very least, this kind of feedback allows me to let go of my attachment and to move on with my feeling body.
Next.
If I do not verbalize my thoughts, however, then I am passing up on an opportunity for growth. When I do not give voice to my authentic desires, then I am stunting my own well-being.
No mas, por favor...
The second instance was more intensely charged for this other was a stranger with whom I spent a mere few hours in shared company. In his eyes, I recognized my shadow self - my dark side that includes forcefulness, aggression, rigidity, and apathy. I raised my piercing browns and met his, time after time and ignorant comment after ignorant comment. There was no backing down. There was only these two animals, meeting - with horns raised, hooves clashing, and nostrils panting. It was pure, raw attraction. It was potent. And, it, he, invaded my dreams that night. The force was truly that palpable. It was...scary.
Scary because I could have very easily (fortunately circumstances did not, nor would not, allow for such a thing to happen) acted upon the desire. The following day, however, after the two glasses of red wine had worn off, I once again came to understand that my own fear is still subconsciously affecting my carnal yearnings. For, in each of these cases, I had been attracted to elements of me. However, engaging with these sides of me on a more intimate level would do little to foster my own intrapersonal growth. More than likely, what they would have provided is for me to continue running circles around myself, and hitting my head against the same old, closed door.
No thanks.
I'll pass.
