- Last Night, While Dreaming
The man singled me out of the crowd. "You," he pointed with the shake of his extended, right arm. In his hand a long sword; sharp and painstakingly polished, its handle gold and carved with a slithering serpent whose eyes of brilliant blue gemstones brought the precious metal to life. Like a virgin on an altar, he commanded that I lay down before him. He wanted my existence - and nothing less. Fearfully, I cringed. I submitted and rolled over into a fetal position, all the while begging and pleading to be spared. This e-motion of mine, however, triggered an idea; "I could try another tactic," I thought. "I don't have to be afraid," I told myself. So, I rolled back toward him, looked up into his piercing, black eyes and offered myself. "Here," I flatly stated. Courageously resolved, I turned my head to the left, closed my eyes and awaited the journey that would take me away, onto another plane, somewhere.
Tick
tock
tick
tock
tick...
Moments passed, and I remained. I opened my eyes and turned back toward my perpetrator.
"Come on," he ordered. "Let's go." Dutifully, I rose to my feet and snaked my way around a gathered crowd. What I recall from here on out is blurry now, but what I do remember is panicked moments and tension filled minutes of running away, escaping, hiding, getting caught, being found, a game of cat and mouse, and palpable fear noxiously stuck in my throat and my gut.
There wasn't any resolve. I simply tossed and turned into consciousness, arriving back into the safe confines of my bed. Upon waking this morning, however, the remnants of this dream still courses through my veins.
-- Last Friday
"You are a soul mate," he said. I inhaled on a deep breath in, "Hmmmm." I gazed at him, standing there across from me on the dirt parking lot grounds, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the smudged side of his working van. I looked into his bird-like eyes and responded,
"I love you, too, and I feel so much pain - here between us, in this gulf that we have never been able to cross. It hurts to feel this and to simultaneously still love -- you."
Insight hit me, like a ton of bricks.
"Ah," I inhaled again, sharply this time.
Then, I gasped, "Ah, it's mine!"
For the pain I was seeing wasn't his, and it didn't come from him. Rather, it was mine, it was all mine - it was a simple mirror reflection of my own creation. The prickly thorns of truth pierced another layer of my hardened heart. "Love isn't pain, Cara," chirped a gentle voice of infinite compassion located deep within my being. The steady stream of a story that doesn't serve me, and of life contracts written before the dawn of this time, took their marching orders and headed on out of town.
-- Last Night, While Dancing
I felt fear. It was during a moment of our engagement. He had control and he was communicating his pulse, his desires and his wishes, through the steady application of pressure through our open, touching palms, as well as through his strong arms, connected chest and driven core. I hesitated - in confusion and questioning. I wasn't intuiting this moment. Rather, it was just him, taking me on a journey and directing our paths into unfamiliar territory. Fear tickled my edges and I felt its manic pulse through my bloodstream. I stopped the flow and brought myself back into an upright position, posture erect, standing side-by-side next to him.
"That scared me," I shared.
"Why?" he wanted to know.
How to translate the embodied feeling of deep sensations, cellular memory and habitual patterning into clearly and succinctly spoken words?
"I don't know," I replied.
"I just don't know."
