YESTERDAY, Thursday, June 17th, 2010
1.) I had arrived.
It was 11:30am on the clock and I was almost en route, with my mentor and friend Mel Lions, to sign a ~5 acre lease on the Roots@Suzie's Educational Farm Center - an exciting business opportunity for our 501(c)3 non-profit organization. After rolling with the punches of turbulent change that both the past winter and spring brought with them, the day's arrival of a major goal collectively accomplished loomed big and bright on the horizon.
Mel and I greeted one another with our usual, familiar hug outside the front door of his 100-year old University Heights home. Then, an unfamiliar North County number rang my cell phone.
"Hello, Cara," the woman's voice on the other end said.
"Your mother has been admitted to the ER at Tri City Hospital."
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
this is me
flat lining eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
1.5.) I have never handled my parents impending mortality well. In high school, my older father suffered chest pains at home and had to be transported to the hospital via an ambulance. Instead of tending to him beside my nurse mother, I lost all control of my emotions and had to remove myself from the scene. Years ago, while visiting family and friends in NYC, my mother took a tumble down a narrow staircase in the old brownstone hotel we were staying in. Fortunately, my aunt was present to tend to her sister as I was of no help. Once again, I was overcome with emotion, nausea and panic. True to form, I behaved as the baby of the family that I am.
2.) Yesterday, as I made the half-hour commute back the way I had come, my stomach was in my throat and my mind was racing as fast as the rush-hour traffic surrounding me on the Interstate 5. Thoughts of guilt and shame, for not being a good enough daughter and for causing my mother undue stress, rocked my innards while I tried to remind myself: "This isn't about you, Cara." I haphazardly dialed the warm voices of friends. Unfortunately, little can soothe the rush of an all-consuming wild fire.
Carol Ann was conscious and not critical but very sick. She was purging from every end, breaking out in a cold sweat and rocking in pain. My father and I spent all afternoon there in the ER with her. Frequently, my mother was rolled out of her cubicle on a gurney, pushed back and forth between a barrage of tests and invasive procedures. A cyst was discovered in each ovary, her stomach and the lymph nodes running up the center of her chest were inflamed.
2.5) In my moments of panic, I also dialed my ex-boyfriend of four years. He loves my mother and I knew that she would enjoy a visit from him there in the ER. There is much laughter between them and he credits my mother with having given him new life when he was physically suffering from his own self-induced misery. He was provided a lift to the hospital by an employee of his, which meant that I had to provide him with the ride back home later on.
3.) After waiting around the hospital for the day, moving back and forth between the waiting room, the outdoor patio area and the ER, it was time to once again head south. During the drive, my ex-boyfriend behaved as he usually does - high strung, unable to relax and words dripping, on and on in an endless barrage, from his mouth. Usually, his spoken thoughts leave me feeling worse than I already do. This occasion was no different as he was speaking of the "gorgeous dancer" who he has a crush on, how he'll make her fall in love with him and how we would quit his bad behaviors upon her commands. (Insert grossly annoyed face with tongue sticking out of mouth here.)
Instead of driving toward the Vietnamese dinner that he requested, I made a beeline for his Clairemont home - the same one I had shared with him for two years and just moved out of last summer. "I can't be your friend," I said. "Thank you for coming to visit my mother. I really appreciate it, but being in your company right now is only making me feel worse." True to his patterns, he began reaching out and trying to touch me, attempting to beg his way into my staying. Unlike my typical habits, I remained true to my resolve - I deserve better than this. So, I dropped him off, said a brief "Hello" to our dogs and left. Nonetheless, yet another experience for this day was extracting a high price on my bodymindspirit.
3.5) Emotionally I felt extremely taxed and very near a familiar breaking point. Conversations with friends could not quite alleviate my upheaval. However, unlike my typical patterning, I chose to focus on my work and on the plethora of writing that I must complete (I am working on my first major body of work). Yes, I questioned if this choice of mine was selfish but what there to do? Sit around and twiddle my thumbs? Instead, I focused my swirling and dissipated energy and, damn, what a remedy it was! "My work" grounded and centered me. It was truly that simply.
Around 10pm, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. It was time to head home and straight into bed. Again, I was driving north on the I-5. I was in the fast lane, doing maybe 75mph when a black, Mercedes sedan with tinted windows sped past me in the carpool lane to the left pushing 90mph, if not more. The mystery vehicle was barely two full car lengths ahead of me when it somehow lost control, swerved into my lane and completed at least eight full revolutions, or doughnuts, there on my side of the freeway. For one brief second, I was speeding into a head-on collision. In quick response, I violently swerved the car I was driving into the three lanes to my right. Fortunately, there was no one driving around or near me at this point. There was, however, a white vehicle at least four car lengths behind me that slowed down and put on its high beams when it noticed my erratic behavior. For at least one full minute in time, I watched as the speeding Mercedes careened and spun out of control, headed in god know's what direction, as I remained calm, cool and collected behind the driving wheel. The smell of burning rubber and metal filled my nostrils while plumes of its thick smoke danced inside the car with me.
I pulled over, off of the Via de la Valle exit. My whole body was shaking violently, I screamed my fears out and I acknowledged the fact that I almost ended up right where I had spent most of the day - in the ER.
holy
fucking
shit.
So, there's a message here, right?!?!!!?!
