Notes from the Journal of a Crazy Woman, take II

So much synchronicity.... the old San Diego Yoga Loft

In the spring of 2010, I asked my lovely friend, Aravel, to paint a pair of wings on my back during a workshop I offered, called "Ritual and the Pursuit of Meaning."  In the old San Diego Yoga Loft, which is now the site of my own sustainable business and home, we painted our bodies and faces, we wrote and danced, we expressed and connected to the deep pits of our collective psyche.  After all, our sub-conscious is our collective conscious.  Hence, all of our actions have meaning.  We can begin tapping back into our embodied, ancient wisdom by asking ourselves simple questions for all of our actions, "Why am I doing this?  What is the larger meaning behind my sub-conscious desire?"  For example, now hanging over the door of the Prosperity Hive is a mask that I painted back in '05.  Using acrylic paint on an organic canvas of palmbark, I drew from the past by re-creating the Nunuma Hawk Mask, which was originally designed by the Nuna People of Burkina Faso.

I didn't know why I was doing what I did.  Although I "understood" my desire to use organic materials that were readily available and not store bought, I was mainly following intuition and instinct.  Now, six years later, I have come to believe that I am a descendant of the winged clan.  Ever since I was a little girl, my vibrant energy has always flown from space to space - from the playing field where I loved chasing balls or practicing my tumbling moves to the playground where I'd climb into imaginary worlds with my girlfriends or I'd swing across the monkey bars while competing with the boys.  I've always fluttered from flock to flock - fitting in everywhere while simultaneously belonging nowhere.  It used to be a lonely fate.  Now, I claim it as a vibrant destiny.  In Shamanic Medicine, Birds can represent "visionaries" in that they have the ability to "see" from a wider perspective.  Today, though, my left wing feels broken.  (Ironically, in the photo above, Aravel intuitively painted my left wing differently than my right.)  So, I've identified that I fear taking off and really soaring because I am afraid of leaving others behind.  It is extremely hard for me to let go but my inability to do so causes me pain.

Thus, finally...
Here are my notes from my morning stroll today in which I found myself pulled down to the Harbor.
"There's a stillness to this water, and to this me - now.  I accept.  I surrender.  I throw my arms up wide to the Universe and honor that I don't "know" what I'm doing, or where I'm going, or what the future will bring.  This is the REAL BEAUTY.  This is how I sink into my own Receptivity and Divine Feminine.  All I can do now is to offer my Love.  All I can do now is to offer my talents and gifts to the world out of service and with gratitude for all of the gifts and great abundance that I reside in, everyday.  All I can do now is to trust and have deep faith that the goodness I believe in and work toward - the goodness I AM - will be attracted to me, ten-fold.  This I DO and can know.  The rest is, as they say, "HERSTORY."

Lastly, two card readings from my beloved Osho Ta'rot deck which actively integrates symbolism and metaphor into my day to day:
The Knight of Rainbows Card, Master of the Physical - "Slowing Down" with one of my totem animals, the turtle, painted on the card.  It reads:
"..we carry our home wherever we go.  There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere.  Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments... Rest in the fullness of who you are right now.  If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better.  Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is.  Savor this - come to rest and recognize that you are already home."

"Walking is Zen.  Sitting is Zen.  Watchfully, alert, joyously, unmotivated, centered, loving, flowing, one walks.  And the walking is sauntering.  Loving, alert, watchful one sits, unmotivated - not sitting for anything in particular, just enjoying how beautiful just sitting doing nothing is, how relaxing, how restful...Walking is Zen, sitting is Zen, talking or silent, moving, or unmoving, the essence is at ease.  The essence is at ease."

Also, the "Consciousness" card from the Ace of Clouds:
"..there is a crystal clarity available right now - detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of your being.  There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding you have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself.  Accept this great gift and share it."

"We come from the unknown and we go on moving into the unknown.  We will come again; we have been here thousands of times, and we will be here thousands of times.  Our essential being is immortal but our body, our embodiment, is mortal.  Our frame in which we are, our houses, the body, the mind, they are made of material things.  They will get tired, they will get old, they will die.  But your consciousness is something beyond body and mind, something beyond everything; that no-mind is eternal.  It comes into expression, and goes again into the unknown.
This movement from the unknown to the known, and from the known to the unknown, continues for eternity, unless somebody becomes enlightened.  Then that is his last life; then this flower will not come back again.  This flower that has become aware of itself need not come back to life because life is nothing but a school in which to learn."