Gratitude

This morning, there is something that I must do for, I am broken open.
My spirit is spilling over.
My cup is full, to the brim.
My soul quenched.
If I do not lay bare the contents of this zest, my zeal, then I am bound to harbor such palpably felt notions all day.
Thus, in order to move on,
I must let go.
I must purge.
I must tell -
all.

I am grateful.

To be here, now.
Typing this, able of body, purposeful of spirit,
and clear of mind.

I am thankful
for it all.
For my experiences
of having been born
to two error prone human beings
who have always supported
my non-linear trajectory,
my wandering ways, &
my be-ing.

I am grateful for the wide spectrum of others that
these initial two came with -
Craig and Colleen, Cool, Carat, Chelsea, KC, Classy, Champ, Chit and Chat
and the travels, in, through, and around an eastern coast to the wild shores of the Pacific, that were required in order to maintain
a vast human network of ancestry accrued over a lifetime, decades, centuries and, yes even, milennia.

I honor
this land, upon which we all traverse.
This planet, that feeds me,
that provides nutrients, soil, shelves, and water
so that we may all live, thrive, and prosper.

I recognize our other Earthly inhabitants and neighbors.
I honor their be-ing,
their pollination, their foraging,
their burrowing, their hibernating, their simple food chain and
vulnerable eco-systems.

I wish
nothing more
than for each of us to say
"this is it"
"this is perfect -
what we have right now
is enough."

I seek for us all to feel
fulfilled of purpose,
respected for our message,
protected by our men,
nurtured by our women,
loved.

I am love.
I love.
I love you.

For I am also in deep gratitude
I am bent at the knees
I am bowing
my head is in deep reverence
it is in full contact
with the ground.

I am grateful
for you.
Whoever you are,
family, friend, fe, fi, fo, or fum,
wherever you are,
China, Canada, Pakistan,
Sudan, Samoa, Sri Lanka,
the North Pole,
or in your head.

I honor the divine
in YOU
in me
in Earth
in us all
in simply being human.

During these up and coming holy-days
as the Earth continues to spin us
away from the sun
and into the dark
into the rich fertility
of our hearts
may you know
this
peace
this
love
this you
this me
this life
this wonder
the mystery of all
that is.

Intimacy and the Long Lost Bonds of Brother and Sister Hood

I miss my brothers.

As a child, my first best friend was my neighbor David. He lived in a townhouse just adjacent from ours in a close-knit neighborhood that closed off its one main entrance and exit just so we could celebrate our own Olympic games every summer. This was in a suburb of Toronto, Canada, in the late 70s. David and I played with his Star Wars punching toys, we climbed up on a foot stool to wash our hands side by side before taking our meals together, and we enjoyed our idle days of toddlerhood together. I was well aware of the fact that he was a boy and though we would mimic the older kids' games of Doctor, there truly was no difference between the two of us aside from simple anatomy.

As a young girl, boys played as significant a role in my life as girls did. They were my friends as well as my boyfriends - both of which was a nonchalant game of chance and timing. Yet, as time wore on and as puberty began nipping at my heels, the minor differences that lay between us seemingly turned into a great divide. It wasn't long before boys had become some ostensible other - objects to be both desired and feared. Perhaps it was then when the innocence of childhood was irreparably lost and gone for good.

As I came into my developing body, relations with the opposite of sex quickly became a currency with which I could buy and sell stock. The more attention I received, the more my economical worth rose. The more shares I acquired, the more I wanted. My greed knew no bounds. And yet, I suffered. The playful, energetic, and fool hardy me took a backseat to a quiet and complacent mirage. By the time I left for college five hundred miles north, I was only too eager to rebel.

In my rebellion, I took up arms with my sisters and wholeheartedly embraced our systemic oppression together. I channeled all of my pent up rage and directed it towards my brothers of days past. I crawled deeper into my own fear of intimacy as I piled on weight as a barrier to protect myself from the unwanted and unasked for attention of these others. I chose to continue to place one half of my most favored playmates in the realm of separate, distinct, and outside of me. I suffered greatly as a result.

After graduation, travels, and life experience accrued outside of the four walls of a classroom, I realized that my emotional growth was greatly stunted and that I was no longer going to grow on my own, independent of others. I recognized that it was time for me to face one of my greatest fears - intimacy with men. The road since then has surely not been smooth or easy. As, true to form, I have chosen mirror images - men who are also deeply fearful of intimacy. It has made for an uncomfortable ride over the course of these past eight years. Yet, it has been a ride worth taking, nonetheless.

Now, I am mired within my fourth decade of life on this planet. This time around, I've realized that I no longer wish to seek for one sole other to meet all of my intimate needs. In fact, I've realized that I need to again embrace my brothers and love them as equally as I love my sisters. I need to let go of my fears of how they will both perceive my love and wish to love me. I need to simply wrap my arms around their strong shoulders, nuzzle into their warm necks, and take the love that feeds and nourishes me, just as I do with my girlfriends. Yes, folks, it is this simple.

On Manifest Destiny

Manifest: to make clear or evident, to prove beyond doubt or question.
Destiny:  something that is to happen; lot of fortune; the power or agency that determines the course of events.

Since this now past summer, I have made a concerted effort to think deeply about the actions I take in my life and how I desire for them to feed me on a deep, spiritual level. In other words, I have been thinking about my own sustainability - how can I tend to the long-term garden that is my spirit? How can I water it with the blood my heart pumps and plant it with the fertile seeds that seemingly spring forth from my mind?

What I have been observing is that these seeds, when planted from an embodied conviction of clear intention, have been giving way, thus far, to the soft green stems of new life. In other words, when nurtured, my deeds and thoughts become made physically manifest in this material world. What is it that I have been manifesting, you ask?

As is everything in life, all I have been manifesting is relationships. First and foremost, I have been nurturing a deeper relationship with myself in which Tantra has played a beneficial role. In July, I became curious to explore the narrow confines of my own self-imposed "boundaries." Since then, I have been learning through small, incremental steps how I can not only hold myself accountable for my own actions and deeds (especially when no one is around to witness me) but how I can also ask for what I want. It is not necessarily that I always receive that which I desire (I most certainly do not), it is simply that I honor myself enough to ask for a response. (Thus, I most certainly honor the "No" responses, as well.)

In looking to foster this deeper connection, I have sought out local role models whom I can surround myself with. My circle of friends now includes not only members of a number of the local San Diego Tantra communities, but also Tantra gurus, polyamory advocates, and third wave feminists whose children refer to me as "auntie."

In honoring my connection with and to myself, I seek to honor my connection with and to this planet - the only home we homo sapiens have known for a hundred thousand years. Yet again, I have sought out groups, organizations, and people who can help me to better understand my Earth/body connection. I have also been actively working on integrating my growing body of knowledge into my movement practice by incorporating native mythology (of greeting the cardinal directions, for example), with some Kundalini Yoga and Qigong principles.

Last but not least, I have been seeking to manifest more intimate relationships with others. What this intimacy looks like, remains to be seen. Nonetheless, I continue to explore, push open, break through, and puncture my own misconceptions as well as the confining preconceived notions of others. Whether or not I am "successful" is irrelevant. As I am simply learning, it is all about the diligent effort and the simple task of trying.

True to form, I celebrated this now past weekend's hallowed eve by dancing in the Dia de Los Muertos sunrise at a popular warehouse venue. Untrue to my typical pattern, I found myself revolving around the same man for the majority of the evening. Recognizing that he was a soul brother whose energy and movement could rival mine on the dance floor, I allowed myself to be comforted and cared for even as I pushed myself through the discomfort of challenging some of my usual behaviors (which was quite a feat for Ms. Independent). I especially enjoyed how our comfort together created a snuggle party that numerous "strangers" felt called to join. His chosen name, by the way, is/was "Manifest."

As our planet continues to spin and as we northern hemisphere dwellers turn away from the light of the sun and towards the pitch black darkness of the shortest day of the year, I encourage you to contemplate and reflect on what seeds you want to plant in the nurturing garden of your soul this year. What flowers and plants to you hope to bloom and give birth to next summer? Now is the time - plant away my dear friends, plant away.