Manifest: to make clear or evident, to prove beyond doubt or question.
Destiny: something that is to happen; lot of fortune; the power or agency that determines the course of events.
Since this now past summer, I have made a concerted effort to think deeply about the actions I take in my life and how I desire for them to feed me on a deep, spiritual level. In other words, I have been thinking about my own sustainability - how can I tend to the long-term garden that is my spirit? How can I water it with the blood my heart pumps and plant it with the fertile seeds that seemingly spring forth from my mind?
What I have been observing is that these seeds, when planted from an embodied conviction of clear intention, have been giving way, thus far, to the soft green stems of new life. In other words, when nurtured, my deeds and thoughts become made physically manifest in this material world. What is it that I have been manifesting, you ask?
As is everything in life, all I have been manifesting is relationships. First and foremost, I have been nurturing a deeper relationship with myself in which Tantra has played a beneficial role. In July, I became curious to explore the narrow confines of my own self-imposed "boundaries." Since then, I have been learning through small, incremental steps how I can not only hold myself accountable for my own actions and deeds (especially when no one is around to witness me) but how I can also ask for what I want. It is not necessarily that I always receive that which I desire (I most certainly do not), it is simply that I honor myself enough to ask for a response. (Thus, I most certainly honor the "No" responses, as well.)
In looking to foster this deeper connection, I have sought out local role models whom I can surround myself with. My circle of friends now includes not only members of a number of the local San Diego Tantra communities, but also Tantra gurus, polyamory advocates, and third wave feminists whose children refer to me as "auntie."
In honoring my connection with and to myself, I seek to honor my connection with and to this planet - the only home we homo sapiens have known for a hundred thousand years. Yet again, I have sought out groups, organizations, and people who can help me to better understand my Earth/body connection. I have also been actively working on integrating my growing body of knowledge into my movement practice by incorporating native mythology (of greeting the cardinal directions, for example), with some Kundalini Yoga and Qigong principles.
Last but not least, I have been seeking to manifest more intimate relationships with others. What this intimacy looks like, remains to be seen. Nonetheless, I continue to explore, push open, break through, and puncture my own misconceptions as well as the confining preconceived notions of others. Whether or not I am "successful" is irrelevant. As I am simply learning, it is all about the diligent effort and the simple task of trying.
True to form, I celebrated this now past weekend's hallowed eve by dancing in the Dia de Los Muertos sunrise at a popular warehouse venue. Untrue to my typical pattern, I found myself revolving around the same man for the majority of the evening. Recognizing that he was a soul brother whose energy and movement could rival mine on the dance floor, I allowed myself to be comforted and cared for even as I pushed myself through the discomfort of challenging some of my usual behaviors (which was quite a feat for Ms. Independent). I especially enjoyed how our comfort together created a snuggle party that numerous "strangers" felt called to join. His chosen name, by the way, is/was "Manifest."
As our planet continues to spin and as we northern hemisphere dwellers turn away from the light of the sun and towards the pitch black darkness of the shortest day of the year, I encourage you to contemplate and reflect on what seeds you want to plant in the nurturing garden of your soul this year. What flowers and plants to you hope to bloom and give birth to next summer? Now is the time - plant away my dear friends, plant away.
Showing posts with label tantra. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tantra. Show all posts
Monday, November 2, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Of Boundaries and Agreements
Last week, I found myself rendered inert by my own pain and sadness.
I couldn't dance. I lacked the motivation to write, to exercise, to make myself feel better. All I craved was junk food, a good book and a comfortable bed. My body, mind, and spirit desired, needed, sleep, healing, & rejuvenating slumber.
Yes, I had been triggered. I had willingly allowed another to project pyschological abuse onto me. It was heavy and it hurt. I berated myself, "how could I have stayed in such a situation for so long?" and I wondered, "what is wrong with me that I keep going back for more?" As the days passed, my energy, my life force, my chi became more and more blocked and stuck. My intestinal processes refused to budge and I began to emit foul smelling, noxious gases from my rectum. Still, I slept.
Because I have been staying back at my parent's home, in the house I grew up in on Ridge Road, all I had to do was look around me, here, to realize that my actions over the course of this past week merely emulated those of my most primary example - my parents. I also recognized that for years now (hell, as it been almost a decade?), I have been unable to truly move forward with my life, to sincerely grab hold of my dreams and make them my reality, due to this self-imposed and physically manifested abusiveness. (As is the nature of life, we attract to ourselves our mirror images - even as a standard cliche mistakenly purports that "opposites attract.")
Fortunately, I am finally at a place in my life where my community is expansive, supportive, and deep. Although my vibrational frequency was extremely low last week, I kept my commitments to: meet with a friend and have a nature photography shoot; to work with this same friend in the studio, on his posture and alignment; to meet with another dear friend for a sunset beach walk, conversation, and dinner; and to attend a fundraiser for La Milpa Organica at the Belly Up Tavern (I forced myself to attend and I'm glad I did for the live music and my dancing feet lifted my spirits a bit). In the process, I also shared with some other community members how I was feeling. The advice I received in return was to try and find the sadness in the dance and to remember compassion - for myself.
Ultimately, what this experience drove home for me was that now is the time for me to work on and to truly own my boundaries and agreements. What I mean by this is that I need to clearly define for myself what is okay, in terms of my own behavior as well as how others treat me, so that I can then effectively communicate, in the direct moment, when my boundaries have been crossed and when this is absolutely not okay. "I did not like that touch." Furthermore, I need to continue practicing defining and communicating my boundaries so that I have crystallized the protective measures of walking away, for good, when the need arises. I need to harness the discipline of doing this early on in every relationship, in any kind of relationship, so that I am no longer confused by the imperfections of "love."
Yes, I have walked away, for good, this time around. No calls, no visits, no friendship, no way.
Conversely, I am simultaneously working on my agreements. In other words, I am developing the clarity in knowing what I want. Then, I am applying this understanding in my day-to-day communication. For example, I am learning to ask for what I desire, in every moment - water, a cleaner knife, a kiss, a raise, to be recognized, to be humbled. The flip side of this discipline is that I may not always receive what I want. Through my practice, I am learning to not just accept rejection but to be grateful for it. I am beginning to appreciate and honor the "No's" because they too provide a learning lesson while possibly opening other doors. (What about that other, old adage: "When one door closes, another opens?")
I have found two, great role models here in San Diego whose life's work begins with these two premises. Kamala Devi and her partner, Michael McClure, have been married for seven years. Together, they are raising a young child. They are also national advocates for polyamory, and they are well known figures within the Tantra community. Yes, everybody, what I am writing is that Tantra is teaching me basic life skills that, for some reason, are not taught in our contemporary model of education. (And, why is this?)
As the dancefloor has illuminated, the metaphor of movement can be applied to all arenas of my multi-faceted life. Thus, whether or not I choose to use these developing skills, of exerting my boundaries and inquiring of my agreements, in polyamory is irrelevant. What matters is that I wield and utilize them to craft and create for myself the life story that I have always dreamed. At almost 33 years of age, no one, not my parent's, my past boyfriends, and nothing, including my previous experiences, is responsible for the choices and decisions I make now, today. Today, I take full responsibility for me and my behavior, for self-actualizing and becoming the woman I dream of and the human being that I already am!
I couldn't dance. I lacked the motivation to write, to exercise, to make myself feel better. All I craved was junk food, a good book and a comfortable bed. My body, mind, and spirit desired, needed, sleep, healing, & rejuvenating slumber.
Yes, I had been triggered. I had willingly allowed another to project pyschological abuse onto me. It was heavy and it hurt. I berated myself, "how could I have stayed in such a situation for so long?" and I wondered, "what is wrong with me that I keep going back for more?" As the days passed, my energy, my life force, my chi became more and more blocked and stuck. My intestinal processes refused to budge and I began to emit foul smelling, noxious gases from my rectum. Still, I slept.
Because I have been staying back at my parent's home, in the house I grew up in on Ridge Road, all I had to do was look around me, here, to realize that my actions over the course of this past week merely emulated those of my most primary example - my parents. I also recognized that for years now (hell, as it been almost a decade?), I have been unable to truly move forward with my life, to sincerely grab hold of my dreams and make them my reality, due to this self-imposed and physically manifested abusiveness. (As is the nature of life, we attract to ourselves our mirror images - even as a standard cliche mistakenly purports that "opposites attract.")
Fortunately, I am finally at a place in my life where my community is expansive, supportive, and deep. Although my vibrational frequency was extremely low last week, I kept my commitments to: meet with a friend and have a nature photography shoot; to work with this same friend in the studio, on his posture and alignment; to meet with another dear friend for a sunset beach walk, conversation, and dinner; and to attend a fundraiser for La Milpa Organica at the Belly Up Tavern (I forced myself to attend and I'm glad I did for the live music and my dancing feet lifted my spirits a bit). In the process, I also shared with some other community members how I was feeling. The advice I received in return was to try and find the sadness in the dance and to remember compassion - for myself.
Ultimately, what this experience drove home for me was that now is the time for me to work on and to truly own my boundaries and agreements. What I mean by this is that I need to clearly define for myself what is okay, in terms of my own behavior as well as how others treat me, so that I can then effectively communicate, in the direct moment, when my boundaries have been crossed and when this is absolutely not okay. "I did not like that touch." Furthermore, I need to continue practicing defining and communicating my boundaries so that I have crystallized the protective measures of walking away, for good, when the need arises. I need to harness the discipline of doing this early on in every relationship, in any kind of relationship, so that I am no longer confused by the imperfections of "love."
Yes, I have walked away, for good, this time around. No calls, no visits, no friendship, no way.
Conversely, I am simultaneously working on my agreements. In other words, I am developing the clarity in knowing what I want. Then, I am applying this understanding in my day-to-day communication. For example, I am learning to ask for what I desire, in every moment - water, a cleaner knife, a kiss, a raise, to be recognized, to be humbled. The flip side of this discipline is that I may not always receive what I want. Through my practice, I am learning to not just accept rejection but to be grateful for it. I am beginning to appreciate and honor the "No's" because they too provide a learning lesson while possibly opening other doors. (What about that other, old adage: "When one door closes, another opens?")
I have found two, great role models here in San Diego whose life's work begins with these two premises. Kamala Devi and her partner, Michael McClure, have been married for seven years. Together, they are raising a young child. They are also national advocates for polyamory, and they are well known figures within the Tantra community. Yes, everybody, what I am writing is that Tantra is teaching me basic life skills that, for some reason, are not taught in our contemporary model of education. (And, why is this?)
As the dancefloor has illuminated, the metaphor of movement can be applied to all arenas of my multi-faceted life. Thus, whether or not I choose to use these developing skills, of exerting my boundaries and inquiring of my agreements, in polyamory is irrelevant. What matters is that I wield and utilize them to craft and create for myself the life story that I have always dreamed. At almost 33 years of age, no one, not my parent's, my past boyfriends, and nothing, including my previous experiences, is responsible for the choices and decisions I make now, today. Today, I take full responsibility for me and my behavior, for self-actualizing and becoming the woman I dream of and the human being that I already am!
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