(two) twenty-seven: Daily Dose of LOVE

"Thus far, we have shown that the meaning of life always changes, but that it never ceases to be.  According to logotherapy, we can discover the meaning in life in three different ways: 

1.) by creating work or doing a deed; 2.) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and 3.) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering.  The first, the way of achievement or accomplishment, is quite obvious.  The second way of finding a meaning in life is by experiencing something - such as goodness, truth & beauty - by experiencing nature and culture or, last but not least, by experiencing another human being in his very uniqueness - by loving him."  

--Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Birds, bees & snakes.
Potent symbolism; millennium-old metaphor;
meaning found in the Earth.
Yet, it plays out in Real Time, in this here and now,
if we simply allow ourselves to stop and notice,
to listen and respond.
We don't have to know "why,"
we simply need to honor that it just is,
that THIS IS IT.
Still, some chase after money thinking its meaning,
while others chase fame and glory.
Me?  I am just sitting in Grandmother, allowing it all to unveil itself,
the die has already been cast, our bodies are merely the repository site of our STORY,
filled with allegory and past lives, karma unfolds as our destiny is written in the stars.
The only 'control' we can exert is how we choose to respond in every given moment,
this is where our freedom of choice lay.
Still, along the way, there's You - running with your destruction, purporting that it is all just sense-less chaos.  "Randomly" our eyes meet, magic dances and you call me to you - you want my Medicine, my healing.  Meanwhile, I see your face everywhere I turn, in the streets, on "random" men. 
I am not forcing a way here.  It just is.  I don't know why and I am okay with that.
You brought me to my knees, because meaning, for me, is and always will bee
LOVE.

(two) twenty-six: Daily Dose of LOVE

turn that frown upside down
just because someone smiles a lot
doesn't mean they're happy
radiance comes from the inside out
I have met too many, too often
who appear jovial and soft, who greet with sweet voices,
and big hugs, yet who are quick to jump into
resentment and frustration when life does not go as they planned.
me? i'm a blank slate, listening and responding, ready and willing,
to meet you
in the middle
and I'm willing to bee judged as otherwise
I'm pushing the envelope and daring enough to not need your applause
or approval, I'm authentically just showing up, as I am
nothing more, nothing less,
take it or leave it, because
the lure of 'easiness' is a tantalizing falsehood
as I too once thought that I could crash into any edge and crumble its facade.
now, however, I have learned, that time is a fluid river, and that I can trust
my ebbing and flowing, my washing up and receding away,
is enough to melt away
and unveil
the truth.

~dance~

i follow you,
you follow me,
we follow each other,
who's leading here?

I love my Bee ~ a sweet, innocent and life-affirming totem,
we will dance together, forever in eternity.
And, there is just something about this Snake Medicine ~
slithering and sliding, contracting and coiling,
it's another millennium-old tale.
Yet, in the end, you are both just ME.

my uterus longs to feel full,
a belly ripe like the full moon,
pregnant and fertile.

what is craziness in a world gone mad?
the past winter taught me this much,
and now, as i continue to sink into the "surveillance equipment"
that this damn virtual stalker won't shut up about,
i see, hear, taste and feel TRUTH.
MINE.

"RULES" TO LIVE BY ~ FOREVER, II

"6.) BEE A STEWARD OF YOUR ENERGY.
Man can neither create nor destroy energy.  We can only use it, change it and rearrange it.  All the energy that exists was created in the same instant.  Every word, every action, every thought you focus on carries with it energy.  Everything in our world, both seen and unseen, is a fragment of this stuff called energy.  Our world is made up of nothing else.
It is collective energy that results in what we see, and in unseen layers of consciousness that surround people and places.  Everything in our world is in the process of building up or eroding away based upon energy level.  Each word you utter is released, and goes out into the vapors.  Our words are never recaptured, never corrected, never retracted.  They become a portion of the layer encircling the planet.  Over time, the layer has become so filled with victim's screams, with violent actions, with selfish, limited thoughts that a layer of victim consciousness has now formed.  People on Earth find it easier to tap into that negativity than to bore through it and reach above it.  More than half the souls visiting earth today are in the victim consciousness mode.  We created it, and we must dispel it.  Feeling like a victim, blaming others and wallowing in self-pity only add to the negative vibration.  You must change your attitude, forgive and forget, become more optimistic, look to the positive.  Put your heart into the other "Thou Shalt" tasks and let the victim relationship attachments be severed.

7.)  INDULGE IN MUSIC.
Music influences all mankind and, indeed, the energy of music can be healing for both body and planet.  Listening to peaceful music set to the pace of the human pulse can have a profound positive influence on one's nerves and mental state.  Everyone is musical and is influenced by it.  Music is your soul speaking.  It is the voice of our planet communicating to the Universe.
  
8.)  STRIVE TO ACHIEVE WISDOM.
Wisdom is a very separate issue from knowledge.  Knowledge is learning that can be obtained from many sources.  A person can be extremely intelligent and not possess one ounce of wisdom.  Wisdom is how a person uses knowledge.  It is the deliberate, selective decision to act in a certain way or to not act at all, considering the welfare of everyone concerned.  Reading and writing are helpful, but they are not necessary to have a successful spiritual journey as a human being.  You must strive toward wise action, bearing in mind that all souls are having the same human experience, all are visitors and guests on Mother Earth.  All are one with the Creator.  All of creation came from the same One Source.  It is a show of wisdom to honor the purpose of all things and to do that which is in the highest good for all life everywhere.

9.)  LEARN SELF-DISCIPLINE.
It isn't anyone else's obligation to see that each of us chooses actions that are compatible with peaceful, productive, joyous life on this planet.  It is possible to overindulge.  It is possible to become addicted, to be negligent, to be greedy.  It is possible to be cruel and to be destructive.  Self-discipline will keep these things in check and help toward the task of gaining wisdom.  Self-discipline can keep your human body healthy.  The state of human health is a barometer showing us the state of the earth's health.  It is necessary to develop self-discipline to experience any inner connectedness of body and soul.  Listening to your heart will tell you when something is enough.  Learn the difference between hearing what your head says and listening to the message from your heart.  Head talk is a product of society.  Heart talk is from Forever.
 
10.) OBSERVE WITHOUT JUDGING 
All humans are spiritual souls.  All were created in the same instant.  No one is older, smarter, or better off than anyone else.  Each was given the same gift, the gift of free will, freedom of choice.  The Source is perfect, and everything created by the Source is perfect.  There are no mistakes in terms of Forever.  You can't make a mistake because human life is your gift and you are exploring.  You can observe what is taking place and, without judging it as wrong, you can decide that it doesn't small, taste or feel intuitively good for your path.  You then bless it and walk on.  That is how you can fulfill the requirement that you LOVE everyone.  It doesn't mean that you like their actions, or how they choose to conduct themselves.  But you don't judge the person as being wrong.  It is simply not a part of your path.  You put no energy in that direction.  For, if you judge, then you must also learn to forgive.  By using observation without judgment there is no need for forgiveness because observation is linked to understanding - to knowing the TRUTH that all is in Divine Perfect Order, and that we as humans are only choosing to live less than our perfection.  On a daily basis, we can become closer to our potential and reflectively, the world will become a more godly place."

from Marlo Morgan's "Mutant Message from Forever," as written by "Bee Lake" 

"RULES" TO LIVE BY ~ FOREVER

1.)  EXPRESS YOUR INDIVIDUAL CREATIVITY.
Each individual sees things through his own set of circumstances, and so has a unique expression to offer the world.  Creativity includes the arts but is not limited to that, nor is painting, composing, or writing in any way more significant than the creative measures taken to comfort someone in distress, to bring order to conflict or chaos, or to tell a child a story.
People are not taking advantage of the opportunity to enrich their souls if they believe they have no creative talent or believe some situation in life prohibits this expression.  Indeed, it is quite the opposite.  When one rises up against the odds, when we strive to release our creative consciousness, it carries great merit.

2.)  REALIZE THAT YOU ARE ACCOUNTABLE.
You are a guest on this planet and, as such, are expected to leave it as you found it, or in better condition.  You are accountable for caring for the other life-forms that cannot speak for or help themselves.  You must become responsible for everything you say and do.  You must learn to honor and cherish life and try to help sustain it.  You are accountable for your body.  It is a gift borrowed from the elements that your consciousness helped form and gave life to.  To neglect it or to abuse it is to be irresponsible.  You are accountable for your sexual actions.  You are held responsible for guiding the souls of any children you conceived, for protecting their bodies and for setting positive emotional examples.  This rule goes hand in hand with creativity - you are held accountable for what you create and share with the world, for safeguarding others and not harming life.

3.)  BEFORE BIRTH YOU AGREED TO HELP OTHERS.
The human existence is not one meant to be spent as a solo traveler.  We are designed to support and care for one another.  Everything we do should be done with this thought in mind, "What is in the highest good for all life, everywhere?"  Service is the opposite of doing things for oneself, for the glory or for the economic income.  It means being aware that you are a part of a team, the team of human consciousness, and the fate of planet Earth rises or falls depending on the team activities.

4.) MATURE EMOTIONALLY.
We each express all the emotional feelings, including anger, frustration, depression, hopelessness, guilt, greed, sadness and worry, as well as joy, happiness, hope, peace and LOVE.  As you mature and gain insight into what it is to be human, the goal is to grow, to discipline and select your emotions.  The only way your Soul has to connect to to your brain awareness is through feeling.  If your back hurts, ask why.  What does it represent?  What can you learn?  Then take care of what needs to be done to physically correct your body but don't overlook the thought process and spiritual lessons.  There is also the place of honoring your emotions, especially joy and grief.  To suppress either of these can cause physical health challenges to emerge.  One of the most important emotions for the health of any individual and for the health of our planet is the use of laughter.  As a human you are given the awareness, the gift of humor and the ability to express it.  Through laughter and lightheartedness, the body can remain healthy and health challenges can be corrected.  Humor is a problem suppressor; it adds strength to relationships and brings joy to others.  The things we consider humorous and laugh at are to be analyzed closely.  The challenge is to avoid being destructive in any manner.  Humor is so important to your well being, do not close your eyes for the night's rest unless you have experienced some laughter or joy during the day.  If you haven't, get out of the bed and find something to be happy about.  But truthfulness is the key.  You can't seek the truth about who you are, why you are here and how you are doing unless you only speak the truth.  Always.

5.)  ENTERTAIN.
Yes, part of your Earthly task is to distract and redirect the focus of other people as well as yourself.  Entertaining is deliberate and is meant to cheer the weary, to soothe the frustrated, to comfort the diseased and to be an outlet for creative expression.  Entertaining yourself can aid in self-discipline and in maturing emotionally.  The challenge comes in partaking only in positive entertainment and not always remaining in the role of the one being entertained.  Entertainment can be an extremely strong influence, but it cannot be separated from accountability.

full moon cycle flow

Snapshots from LIFE:

i.
She taught me greatly about TOUCH.
At the time, I was joyously opening my wide arms for embraces with all instead of withholding out of fear and I was quite proud of myself for having "evolved."  Then, one night, I noticed her response to my touch.  She didn't seem to like it very much.  "Ouch," she said, so I moved in closer.  "Ah," I drew in on a quick inhale.  She is very fragile and thin.  I never thought about having to modify the pressure of my touch - after all, wasn't it such a great thing that I was offering it in the first place?  Yet, here she was, unintentionally teaching me one of my greatest life lessons.  Move in to others slowly, gently - like a big toe testing the temperature of the cool ocean or a scalding bath.  Listen, with my whole energetic being, to their responses to my offering.  If silent yes's are conveyed, if an asking for more is felt, then apply more weight and gravity.

ii.
Still, I felt upset that she had created waves between myself and another sister.  Had she done it purposefully?  She is good at playing the victim - did she maliciously mean to hurt my sister and me?  A wall of defenses began to erect itself around my heart.  I wasn't going to play with her anymore.  Yesterday, our two orbits came into closer contact again.  I felt my fortress wanting to protect and defend.  But, why?  She is hurting and could use my LOVE, and why create pain for myself?  AND, her actions actually brought my sister and I closer because we had to navigate the sticky terrain of hurt feelings by authentically communicating together.  So, I melted the edges that had sprung up around my energetic body and I moved in towards her, offering LOVE the best way I know how - attention on a dance floor, recognition of another's fantastic swing, a catcall here, and a hoot and a holler there.  On a dance floor, I can offer my LOVE as big, wide and grandiose as I feel called to do.

iii.
"What animal are you, Cara?" the Wizard asked, as we stood out on the blacktop after another magical morning of stirring our ancestral cauldron - a pot of humans writhing in space and time together (aka dance church).  "You're a panther," he said.  "A black panther," I purred back.  "That's too obvious," he chirped in response.  "Okay, then," I played along, "I am a worm."  "Well, I'm a flower," the almost 62-year-old, silver haired man said.  "That's too easy," I teased.  "Then, I'm a bird," he responded.  "And, the bird eats the worm!" he gloated.  "YES!" I exclaimed, "I am really a witch and I got the wizard to eat me.  Now, I am part wizard."  "Heyyyyy!" he cried back.

iv.
At the park, A. wandered up.  I hadn't seen her in what felt like months, so I stood up to greet her.  "How come I haven't received any invitations to your events?" she sweetly inquired.  "I don't know," I innocently responded.  "You are always invited and welcome to everything I do," I confided.  "I NOW FULLY EMBODY MY POWER!" she happily shared with me.  "I was at AGAPE last weekend when Dr. Beckwith's sermon landed right in my heart and then I wandered out into the parking lot where the creature I fear most - a snake - was on display."  I stood gazing into her crystal, blue eyes, mesmerized by her tale.  "I allowed the snake's owner to drape it around my shoulders as I cried and trembled and the snake wound its way up my arm.  "You're okay," the man kept telling me, as I confronted one of my biggest fears."  And, that's when it dawned on me, "I'm the snake."

n-o-w

It's ironic how much I tell and give away
and how much I keep to myself.
For example: my best friend and I have been sisters
for nine years now, yet she rarely shows up in my photographs or direct
stories.  Nonetheless, she is one of the most important parts of my life.
A mother of two, her oldest turns twenty tomorrow.  As I have been telling others of late,
my soul sisters are, for the most part, mothers.  There is nothing like the NOW that children force us into, and there is nothing like the feeling of, "I would die for you."
I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.
Meaning, I would fight to the death to protect and defend Y-O-U.
In a lot of ways, she taught me this.
I called her up, from the ICU, last year:
"The swelling has spread to my abdomen," I said,
"and I am scared."  This was after a slithering serpent took a bite out of my calve.
She arrived, with instructions on how to holistically care for my injury.
Meanwhile, she was also present to my own mother's lack of presence,
to how my biological mother just wanted to gossip and play popular at her place
of employment.  Tonight, I cried into her arms, "You are the only one who understands," I sobbed, under a full moon.  Granted, an evening of shots of Patron and Margaritas makes one loose-lipped.
Still, she remains - a sister in arms.  "It says a lot," she said, "that he came to your dance community."
"I know," I respond,"I love him."  Together, we just laugh and blow kisses to the Pacific.
"You never know what the future will bring."
INDEED.

drink my blood of courage

"I've been traveling down this river,
so many rocks pop up in my sight,
I gotta make some quick decisions,
should I go left or should I go right?"

It's been a confusing ride, to say the least.
Listening to my Bodymind Soulspirit, I can not deny her call
for which direction to take, I can only follow her lead.

"I pray for guidance and protection
It keeps my boat water tight
And I know if I just keep on believing
Every little thing's all gonna be alright"

For too long, I thought something was "wrong" with me,
given the choices I've always felt compelled to make,
the decisions that I must heed ~ even as intuition, and great Spirit Owl,
hoots her inner knowing. 

"And when I wake up in the morning,
I hope I see you in the light...
And loveliness and tenderness  
And happiness and openness  
And togetherness and loveliness Yeah, yeah" 

When I first heard Franti's "Yell Fire" album,
this song resonated to my core.  At the time,
my BodyMind was chirping that I leave the relationship
I was in.  I'd hear this song and FEEL something stirring -
a destiny heeding me beyond my fears and out of the false comfort
of my then life. 


"Vampires gather round me,
anglin' to take a bite,
they wanna drink my blood of courage 
and try and take away my fight."

And, even still, the journey has been bumpy. 
It's taken me a few years, a lot of proverbial bruises
as well as an initiation of a bite from the Universe,
for me to arrive here, now, into my understanding my calling.


"But they can't do that no,
for one truth I've learned in LIFE,
you wanna scare away the vampires
you simply guide them into the light."


I am a vampire slayer,
and I will never leave you in the dark.

"When my time is done,
I did some right, I did some wrong..."

This is our millennium-old dance.

"I hope that when my day is over,
my love, I will see you in the light,
yeah."

And I will see you in the light,
forever more.

(two) TWENTY TWO ~ Daily Dose of LOVE

A snake slithered into my dreams again last night.
This time, it was a huge, thick Python.  I watched it slide towards my legs & I felt my fear - for being bitten once more - arise.  I jumped into an overhang above my head where I dangled safely out of its reach.  What is it about this symbol that it has been frequenting my dreams (and LIFE) for almost the past year now?  Its potent re-occurrence in my unconscious state has been consistent since December.  Shall I type that real men are associated with it?

As my Wild Woman allows for time to pass, like water under the bridge, my Medicine Woman is bee-ing called upon.  Others reaching out to me for some "Connection Therapy."  "I spent five years in an intimate relationship in which I received little to no physical connection, let alone sexual intimacy and I am a highly affectionate man.  Now, I just need CONFIDENCE," someone typed me.
My response included FORGIVENESS for Others, YES, and SELF - first and foremost.  WISDOM for now making the choices that affect not only our own well-being in this present moment but also  the future generations who are to follow in our footsteps.  And, GRATITUDE for ALL of the Teachers whom we have both invited and called into our lives to teach us the LESSONS - some bitter, some sweet - we need to TRANSFORM and GROW, now.

this LOVE lasts

In your darkest hour,
I won't leave you.
Along the way,
I may take distance,
I might create space between our two galaxies,
orbiting at a farther distance,
awaiting the moment when you re-establish
your equilibrium, when the mania of your full-tilt wobble
comes into a peaceful rotation once more,
yet in your greatest moments of need,
I will bee there.
Not to hold you up, but to let you fall,
to crash back unto this planet Earth,
a sturdy ground below your feet,
a terrain that can sustain your feeble humanity.
And from the ashes I will rise to hold your hand, to run and laugh,
hurdle and jump, as we greet the dawn and dance 'till dusk,
as we seek shelter under canopy and rediscover the light,
until night descends and we part once more,
to burn and blaze across the sky,
meteors bursting into flame,
stars gaining speed and mobilizing mass,
swirling eddies and currents of space dust
the magnetic energy unfolds
time marches on and this LOVE lasts.

(two/twenty) Daily Dose of LOVE: On Tantra & the Fluidity of NOW

Meet Morgan Candela, a fellow Medicine Woman, whom I have had the pleasure of calling a sister for two years now.  Morgan and I first met when I was offering movement medicine at ShaktiRising, a local non-profit organization dedicated to healing women. 

During that spring 2011 season, we'd wander over to that Golden Hill park where grandmother sits, climb up into her welcoming embrace and simply connect.  We'd also dance the choreography we co-created through the streets along the way and in a myriad of ways.  Together, we share a millennium-old bond as well as a love for animal medicine.  Between us, the HoneyBee and the Snake dance (among others, of course). 

And, what I have been really feeling into - of late - is how the most exquisite part of this journey is bearing witness to each others' growth and transformation.  It has been a divine privilege to watch Morgan unfold into her true power.  
(Just as it is wonderful to hold space for US to come into ours.)

I look forward to more.

you brought me to my knees

Okay, so obviously, I am not an old lady.
Rather, it's that I can lack discipline.
Here's the thing about words - they're just words.
Any meaning we contribute to them is our own.
Perhaps, my writing and speaking can convey feelings, images and ideas
but these things are transitory and fleeting.
This is why I take every moment with a grain of salt, tossing it over my right shoulder
when it's past.  Don't hold on to it - let it go.  Even all of the little side swipes and big collisions.
Let them go.  Even without any forth coming apologies, or even sometimes, acknowledgment
of mistakes made.  Let it go.
(big. breath. out.)
You brought me to my knees.
Like the grey-blue southwest speckled rattlesnake and its venomous bite.
You brought me to me knees.
Teaching me how beeautiful surrender is and can bee.
You brought me to my knees.
So, now, I breathe, feeling the resistance in my body and
my desire to flee.
You brought me to my knees.
And I am okay with it.
I can live with this dance, as your brilliance pours forth on stages across the nation
while your chaos goes unchecked from city to state.
You brought me to my knees.
And I can live with it. 

late night drizzle

Alright ya'll, I'm too old for this $hit.
My body is sore and jacked up after another night
of pushing an out-of-shape container too far.
My left hip is screaming at me.
Nonetheless, here I am.
"You're 36, Cara!" my mind is flailing at me,
as I chuckle and stroll into the wood house where M. and L.
are already asleep.
I didn't know then what I know now.
(I know "why" I am dancing for.)
But, damn, I'm old.

Today, my sisters were pushing me hard.
"Cara," they questioned, "is it worth your time or energy?"
Followed by a familiar refrain, "you have too much patience."
What can I say?
That I am an artist and it is relationships that fuel me.
M. wanted to press me deeply about how being exposed to healthy relationships
changed her.

So, what are 'healthy relationships,' dear reader?

'Cuz mine can look like this: Years spent dancing, both on the dance floor and in real life.
Time spent working together, traveling to Arizona, Nevada & Colorado, or up at Dr. Jensen's, old "Health Ranch."  Memories shared with an entire family - a husband and a wife, their three children and a now-past dog.
How do we celebrate these friendships that feed our Spirits 
as ART?
Tonight, when I remembered to heap gratitude on Steve for showing up BIG for me so that
we could show off my favorite dancing (Contact Dance Improvisation, Primal Fluidity, Tantric Ballroom, Acro-Contact), he said, "Cara, you led a group of girls for my daughter's "All Things Round" birthday party four years ago.  Of course I am here for you."

(We performed at Thumbprint Gallery's bi-monthly gig at East Village's Bar Basic.  Johnny Tran, gallery co-owner, has come through for me on so many occasions over the past few years - lugging his DJ sound system across town, he set up and spun sets for us in the Hive, among other places.  He is the sweetest friend.)   

My relating to others can also lead me to write this.  Metaphorical dances with others can be and is the art itself.  Sometimes even - because I can't let go - I create more art after the moments of relating in real time have already passed.  Many call this "not being present," or "suffering."
(Is this where my 'addiction to pain' is rooted?...  More than likely.) 

So, these experiences may not "look" the way I once thought my life "should," or would, look - especially at 36, and c'est la vie.  And, maybee, our relationships won't look the way we have expected them to look because we are actively re-defining and co-creating what healthy relationships now look like.  We know what doesn't work - that narrow, stifling, expectation filled, boredom sets in, one monogamous pairing of isolated "independence" with a few kids and a cat in the yard from the twentieth century relic.
So, we're exploring and investigating - re-establishing balance can make for a bumpy road.

like this

LOVE

It burns,
a whole,
the size of Jupiter.

And, I'm learning how to bend and sway
how to lean in and say,
"Yes"
without the hand-slapping 'no',
without denial of my desires for your attention
and with the flow of a rich, thick fluid.
"Yes,
I want that too," I listen and respond.
"Only not like this."
Not with all of the untruths and important details going unsaid.
Not with the late night calls and disregard for my needs.
Not with the void that you're looking to fill.
Not with all of the destruction that's come before.

"And how do I get to the path of flowing with you?"
you inquire.
"It's not about HOW,"
I text my response.

"IT'S ABOUT WHY.
And, once you can answer that,
then the path will avail itself to you."

Why have our Souls been destined to meet,to dance and twirl,
to sing and sway?
For what purpose?

Because its beeyond the mere call
of your primal nature
droning its blood-pulsing rhythm in your erect penis 
and it's beeyond the illusions and fantasies
of your subconscious mind
YOU called me, you called me in,
you called ME to YOU,
for a very specific reason.
 
What is our lesson here?

i beelieve in U.S.

Here at home, my sisters challenge me.  It's not intentional, it's simply that we're not completely on the same page and I've really come to appreciate their ongoing inquiries into my word choices and thought patterns.  Personally, I beelieve that the whole "like-minded" concept is over-rated.  If you're constantly preaching to your choir; if you're mainly surrounding yourself with others who look, think, talk, dress and act as you do, then you are severely limiting your growth potential.  Diversity fuels us and it makes for the healthiest eco-systems, too.  Do yourself a favor and contemplate the diversity in your day-to-day intimacies, now.

My sisters also push me to clarify my meaning.  Words like 'masculine' and 'feminine' feel polarizing to them and so I am inspired to dig deeper to get to the root of why I believe these adjectives can provide us with a road map back to our wholeness.  Last week's Valentine's rants on this here blog were partially inspired by conversations with them.

Today, M. was gently questioning me.  She wanted to know if I was, again, feeding an addiction to pain.  "Yes," I responded, "I've been looking at this since October.  And, here's the thing - I believe that we've normalized pain.  Look around," I said, motioning with my arms to outside the car windows, where row after row of square Craftsman homes sat.  "This is painful.  We're not meant to live this way - separated from each other and isolated.  Spending most of our precious time working jobs that don't feed our Spirits just to pay the rent and the car and medical insurances.  We're social beings, hard-wired for meaningful contact with ourselves, each other and our Earth. Yet, the idea that this is "normal" has become so subliminal and commonplace that we no longer stop to question it."

"It seems like everybody wants to believe that love and life should be so easy.  We just click our heels three times and Mr. Perfect arrives at our door.  Or, we snap our fingers and the fortune and fame is here, now.  However, if we were truthfully honest with ourselves, we would acknowledge how lonely and sad this existence makes us.  Instead, we don our makeup and masks and we plaster big smiles on our faces as though we can fake it 'till we make it.  Meanwhile, we're dropping like flies from diseases in our hearts and our minds and cancers to our body and our planet.  But, I guess that's all just "normal," right?" I asked. 

On Sunday, one of my brothers was encouraging me to leave San Diego.  "Maybe, this isn't the place for you," he said.  "Yes, I've been feeling into that," I responded, "and, during this year of the Snake, I simply feel that I have to give it one last push here in this almost-fertile soil that I've spent good time churning and cultivating.  I beelieve in US," I said to him.  "What US?" he defensively retorted and all I could do was laugh as we walked back towards the large group of 40+ people gathered on the grass - brilliant others who the texture of time has bound me to.  Woven together, our stories of shared successes and triumphs, failures and fights, is the fabric that warms and revives us.  

And, I guess I am just willing to put all of my perceived "pain" out there as a wake up call.  I am also willing to show back up to the rocky terrain of re-defining what is normal for US.  It's not an "easy" ride, no.  But what I am learning is that it is a most exquisite journey.  Dancing with N. on that same day - a sister whom I had just navigated the turbulence of hurt feelings and miscommunication with - taught me this.  It was deep and authentic and true as we held each other and softened into LOVE.

ECO Spirituality

"Let go of your attachment to an outcome," has been the repeated, sage advice from this weekend.  I can feel the truth in these words - it feels like a soothing balm, releasing the veil of separation that my ego can create between myself and others/the world.  While strolling through a busy, late-night Gaslamp District on Saturday, my BodyMind was filled with unease - a tidal wave of unconscious behavior looms large.  D. reminded me that it is not my job alone to attempt swimming upstream in order to reverse this current.  "I know," I gently responded.  Still, my desire to change our predicament is great.  However, what life lessons over the past few years have taught me is that the only person I can ever change is ME. 

So, this morning, while reflecting upon a very specific relationship that is teaching me greatly about surrender and giving my LOVE even in light of the judgment, rejection, denial and "taking" that has happened in the past, I wrote that I am willing to still show up if your knowing me and receiving my offering directly and positively affects the planet.  Then, right in that exact moment, a sweet HoneyBee landed right upon my snake bite tattoo/marker from the Universe.  I allowed her to crawl across this thin skin of mine as my body was filled with light energy and I wept.  I cried for truth and LOVE and joy and all things beautiful and bright.

While walking back to my North Park abode, a pigeon pecked along the road in front of me as I stood waiting at the curb for the light to change.  It hobbled around with one club foot and, chances are, it wasn't born that way.  Chances are, more than likely, that its lower leg became entwined in fishing net, plastic or some other 'death trap' that we humans have unintentionally created.  Chances are that its future survival, along with its fellow Earth cousins, depends on US.  Chances are that if we don't shift our unconscious behaviors of lashing out and cutting, slicing, striking and bulldozing the Earth, then we may not bee here, either. 

So, yeah, I am attached to an outcome.  And, I'd rather sacrifice myself in the name of all that is good and right; I'd prefer to go down standing up for what I believe in then to simply cower and cave to a destructive ideology; and I am just hoping that you are too and that, together, as one collective unit, we'll build forward with this as our guiding ethos. 

surrendering

Remember that day?  When I held your hands, as you sat across from me at a coffee shop table after we moved through yet another rocky road of triggers and clarification, I looked into your eyes, and said, "Even though I sometimes wish it weren't the case - even though I sometimes wish I could just be separate from you (from all of you) - my truth is that our destinies in this lifetime, here and now, are divinely entwined. "  I know you remember because you have already spoken to me about that December morning.  "It was like you were channeling your intuition," you have since said although our dance has once again become more distant and less connected.  It is only a matter of time until we come back into revolution, however.

And, so, I surrender into not knowing "why" these dances exist or for what their purposes are and so I surrender into my embodied truth that they are all simply meant to bee and that I can withstand the swirling chaos and the tumultuous upheaval.  And so I surrender into my knowing that I can fall down and get back up again.  I can meet you in the middle - time after time - because this is it.  I surrender into my own judgments, of myself - caught up in moments, pointing a finger.  Yet, all who is ever there, on the other side of the looking glass, is ME.  And I surrender into the stillness so that I can dust off the facade and see a little more clearly YOU - unique, different, brilliant, crazy, lovely, hard, hungry, silly, sad, up, down, all around, patient, listening, lost and found, static, cuckoo and obsolete, angry, hurt and judgmental, open, caring and complete, the list goes on.  
And so I surrender into US.

just like you

My bestie from college was in town today. 
While she chased after her two, young children in a Balboa Park museum courtyard,
I sat at a round, lunch table with her wife.
"I want to bee "normal," just like you," I shared,
"I want the long-term partnership and the commitment to something bigger than myself
that kids and family entail."
I want it all.

The thing is, I've had to build towards creating something other than how I was shown how to do this.
Later, as I laid on the couch in our North Park abode, chatting with M. and sipping a beer, she cheered me for my "LoveBook," a copy of which I just gifted her today.  Together, we met in the space where our mothers shared similar characteristics - such as a bullying "Do It My Way" mentality in which values were sorely misplaced.  "An adult violently chasing an innocent child around a coffee table in a living room when the child is scared shitless and the adult is raving mad is NOT MY VALUE," I said. 

So, I'm working to create what I need so that I may thrive in optimum health, raidance and joy.
VILLAGE AND TRIBE are the solutions I seek because I, personally, do not see any other options.  Isolation, even with a small family unit, doesn't work - in this lifetime, it's only brought me untold pain and suffering.  In the end, it's true - selfishness is what drives us.

v-day after ~ SING

Sometimes, I need a reminder of my own SUCCESS - creating a weekly space where elders gather to breathe, bee & build community, & which continues to bee held long after I've taken my leave, is exactly this.  While there, Betty shared with me how she can't sleep well at night because the deceased visit her often.  She also said that, sometimes, she can no longer distinguish between daytime and dream time.  "I'm visiting a psychiatrist next week," she said.  "What you are experiencing is completely normal," I told her, gently massaging her arm.

To conclude the afternoon meditation session, BG read a wonderful passage from one of Louise Hay's books about how essential it is that we, essentially, learn how to "dance" into our graves!  Not too ironically, L. asked me this morning as to what Louise would say about blindness in one's left eye.  I didn't have to look that one up - "You're not seeing something that has to do with your Feminine-side," I off-the-cuff replied.     

While spending the afternoon in walking contemplation with BG, she spoke of the few on-goings in her life - mainly, regurgitating past experiences with one woman.  At 65-years-old, she leads the solitary life of an intellectual.  "My mother said I was too particular," she responds, when I inquire "why" she has had few experiences of intimacy; none of which led to living with another.  "It's an intriguing balance," I share.  "In my 20's, I entertained long-term crushes in my mind.  Thereby, closing myself off to real-time relationships.  I suffered deeply as a result.  Now," I said, " I surrender to real-time experiences where I might get hurt because to oppress or repress my feelings will hurt me worse."

"That's the thing about RISK TAKING - if we don't take RISK, THEN WE GET HURT.
AND, IF WE DO TAKE RISK, THEN WE MAY GET HURT."
And, well, I guess I'm tired of hurting so I am willing to roll the dice. 

the Universe Rushes In

It always knows.
Listen.

I've been awaking
heavy
my early-morning, singing bird
is no where to bee found

I wander out, eventually
(sometimes, I even need to be reminded)
to unlock the chicken coop
as Arwyn & Jedi stand waiting.
This morning, I couldn't even remember
the password on the lock - which are the Las Raices house number

The only street address number that is running through my BodyMind
are the digits of the heart of the Gaslamp space that I get to use
525.
I text M. - "What is the password?"
I've forgotten.
My brain wants to berate me ~ blah. blah. blah.
I take my Self on a walk
and I remember.

Not too ironically, it is my brothers who are there
to hug me and remind me.
At Calabria,  it is a Kung Fu master.
"There she is," Shifu says,
"Mz. Rattlesnake Bite herself."
The energy rushes back into my veins.
And, I remember.
(My snake dance.)

At Henry's, it's a 70+ year-old, llama-farm owner
who lives in far east county San Diego.
"This is hard," I tell him.
"Birthing is that," he wisely responds.
"I feel it, all.  I surrender to it, release it, love it and let it go,
and it's hard."  "Transformation always is," he softly says.

"Bee the wealth," he gently reminds me.  As I tell him about the flower marking that
I contemplate getting.  "I'm great at bee-ing the Bee," I say.  "I just forget to bee the flower, too."
He chuckles at my metaphor.  "Mediate on your mantra, vibrate as the wholeness you are.  Like attracts Like," he says.  "Yes, and opposites attract, too," I chirp.
"ONLY TO SERVE AS LESSONS."
And, I remember..........

VDay ~ LOVE sweetness

Valentine's Day 2013

How are YOU LOVING YOURSELF?

My Divine Masculine took my Divine Feminine out for a long, bike ride this morning.  Down through the city, around the harbor and back.  Along the way, the chain on my single-track, blue Elvis cruiser came off.  My Divine Masculine came to my rescue - his fingers grimy with black grease, he flipped the bike over when the problem could not easily be solved.  Along the way, as the thoughts slowly churned through my feminine BodyMind, he sang LOVE songs to help me ground into this now - where a thick marine layer was slow to lift off of the Pacific, seagulls chirped overhead and transients put their hands out for alms.   And, we just rode on by, singing:

"Gaileo's head was on the block, crime was looking up the truth
and as the bombshells of my daily fears explode
I tried to chase them to my youth.
Then you had to bring up reincarnation
over a couple of beers the other night
and now I'm serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime.
How long 'till my soul gets it right?
Will any human being ever reach that kind of light?
I call on the resting soul
Gaileo
King of night vision
King of insight...."  -- the Indigo Girls

"I pick you up in and in the trunk I've packed
a cooler and a dirty suitcase
cuz' there's a place we like to drive way out of the city
five miles out of the city limit we're singing and
your hand's upon my knee
so we're okay,
we're fine,
baby I'm here to stop your crying
chase all the ghosts from your head
stronger than the monster beneath your bed
smarter than the tricks played on your heart
look at them together, then we'll take them apart
adding up the total of a LOVE that's TRUE
multiply LIFE by THE POWER of TWO"  --Indigo Girls

BALANCE

pre-Valentine's Day, ii

Whoops!  I just watched the video below and the most important piece was cut off. 
"And, it's like," I say,
"I just want to receive from a teacher here beside me."
Oh, SWEET SURRENDER ~
YOU'RE THE MOST ESSENTIAL PEACE/piece
FOR US ALL TO HAVE MORE LOVE IN OUR LIVES, NOW.

So, I don't know about the questions to the answers below.  Rather, what I do know is that I have had to turn inward as well as towards my sisters in my personal as well as our collective quest to redefine LOVE for ourselves in a world teetering out of balance.  We've been fortunate in that our collective oppression and repression has become a commonplace conversation.  We actively address it in private as well as in public spaces, like college classrooms or in the lyrics of contemporary songwriters.  It's a hip thing to work towards the end of violence against women worldwide. 

What has been sadly missing from this conversation, however, is the oppression and repression of MAN from his emotional body and divine purpose.  Men haven't had the pleasure of pulling in and coming together, like we women have, because we haven't globally acknowledged their systemic wounding.  We've forgotten that our perpetrators are equal part victim, as well.  As a result, I contend that our men are - by and far - cut off from their feelings and disconnected from their internal, Divine Feminine.  War, bullying, force, rape and pillaging has become normalized by our greed and we all suffer.  Look around - it's splashed across newspapers and told via media sources, daily.  It's incessant whine is subliminally heard in pop music refrains and mainstream fanfare.  It's so rife that you can no longer smell it.

Here in San Diego, I am privileged to bee surrounded by beautiful, deep men who have done their work and who are divinely embodied brothers.  However, they are few and far between.  For the most part, I bump up against men who choose to dance with the delusions in their minds rather than dig in and do the dirty work that's required for them to tap in, touch their deep grief and sorrow, release their pain and move forward.  Instead, they chase after an illusion of poly-sexuality as an answer to their emptiness - failing to recognize that it is only through deep, emotional connection with a woman that they will achieve the nirvana they seek.  The problem is: great sex without deep intimacy remains empty and. we. all. keep. searching...

thirteen ~ LOVE (pre-Valentine's Day)

Hmmm... I refer to a friend's FB post that I just saw today - something about how easy his meeting the great LOVE of his life should be when it comes.  His post received a number of replies - some attesting to love's challenges, others applauding him and affirming his desire.  Prior to this, I spent the afternoon enjoying a fruitful conversation with the two women who have successfully breathed fresh new life into San Diego's ailing DanceJam!  Our nutritious communication kept coming back around to BALANCE and how imperative it is that we each learn to navigate the shaky terrain of this now by walking in equilibrium.  It was brilliant to bee held in a circle of women who can relate to feeling the tumult of this NOW.  "Yes, we can allow ourselves to FEEL without bee-ing knocked off of our centers," we agreed.

So, now here I am, surrounded by my sistahs in the Rooted Living house, talking about LOVE.  Again, BALANCE is at the forefront of my responses.  We talk about body size and how it affects our sense of self as well as the way we relate to and with others.  I had to honestly admit that there is part of me who believes in the Kama Sutra's assertion that there are body shapes, and thus sexual organ shapes, that naturally fit together - like puzzle pieces - and there are some that are completely mismatched.  However, there is also this part of me that mourns for how quickly we seem to reject and deny LOVE when it arrives at our door not looking like the illusions of ease and perfection that our minds create.  "Um, no thanks, your socks are mismatched." 
Really?
How sad.

Obviously, I am speaking from a place of experiencing this repeatedly - offering my love and receiving walls, defenses, why not's and how come's in return.  There's nothing "wrong" with me, so what's the deal?  Especially when there is no pressure for a perceived outcome, no need to label the next moment and a complete desire to simply live without guarantees, to just purely, radically LOVE - here and now, without abandon, fear, shame or guilt and in complete fun, ease and grace.  Here's the thing though I have done a lot of emotional work to arrive here.  I used to bee so fucking scared of this kind of LOVE that I ran in the other direction, I hid and I rejected and denied repeatedly.  Even now, I make choices that keep me from growing because I am afraid - my ego holds on to what it's always known for fear of change, of being acted upon by something greater than myself.

This is how bell hooks' defines true love:  “When we commit to true love, we are committed to being changed, to being acted upon by the beloved in a way that enables us to be more self-actualized.  This commitment to change is chosen.  It happens by mutual agreement…True love is unconditional, but to truly flourish it requires an ongoing commitment to constructive struggle and change.”   

So, when does the struggle begin and for how long does it last?  Is it natural to enter into a union that feels like a push and pull from the get go?  Shouldn't a real relationship just be easy and fun and without any hardship for a long period of time to begin with?  And, what is constructive struggle anyway? 

Happy to Bee hOMe

"Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, 

your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.  

You cannot control what happens to you in life, 

but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you."  

---from Victor E. Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning

M. is back!  YAY!  My sistah is hOMe.  Last night, we talked, shared, communicated and more, just as we did in Las Raices.  She spent the past month living back with her parents up in north eastern San Diego, where rural hillsides are full of grazing horses, wild flowers and cumulus clouds.  "I cried the night before, wishing my parents were more like this - engaging in deep soul talk and interpersonal growth.  Instead, they are emotionally shut down.  I think I am going to have a conversation with my mother about it," she shared.  "Reflect on your "why" and for "what purpose," I encouraged.  Together, M. and I are sharing a room and a bed and - I just gotta admit - it's my preferred way of bee-ing.  Sure, it would bee ideal if I were sharing this with my One Beeloved, however I will share everything with my soul familia, any day!   Life is meant to be shared.  The American way of self-imposed isolation as well as thinking that we are entitled to an energetically impenetrable 5' bubble is, quite frankly, killing us.  (In more ways than one.)  

L. and I have also been reflecting quite a bit on co-dependency and it's been interesting to honestly witness how my co-dependent tendencies play out.  On Sunday, I actively practiced giving LOVE from a distance to two very specific individuals who I know, from experience, I can not LOVE up close and in person.  It was tough in that I felt "guilty" for not offering the LOVE that my heart yearns to offer everyone.  Yet, I am committed to sharpening the many-faceted sides of LOVE, which includes my Divine Masculine's ability to protect and defend both myself as well as my community.  I also slept rock hard last night, while REM kept my dream life vivid and moving.  Currently detoxing from my abuse of a specific "medicine," my body is reclaiming its natural rhythms.  YES!

Last night, M. said to me, "Cara, I want you to authentically tell me whenever you feel hurt or out of alignment with something that has happened in our relationship."  "M," I responded.  "I feel so safe in our sisterhood that, of course, I will share with you what is going on with me, internally."  I also relayed to her an email that I had just received in which another sister communicated that she felt "bitter" by something she heard I did.  I said to M, "You would have to do something pretty gnarly for me to ever feel bitter in regards to you."  No one can make us "feel" anything.  How we respond in every given moment is a choice.  Yes, there will be times when we get hurt - because it's LIFE - but why hold on to the pain?  LET IT GO.  Take everything you're offered as a GIFT, a LESSON TO LEARN AND MOVE ON.  Forgive.  Release bitterness.  Life is short.  Let your heart fly free.

 

two/TWELVE

It's intriguing to watch the thoughts in one's mind.
There are notions I could entertain about myself, especially in relation to the video above,
that are not gentle or loving.  When I noticed these judgments arising, I told myself that if I am basing my thoughts on what I look like then I am not really seeing who I am.  I know who my Soul is and it is so much more than the simple container of my human form, and even my gender.  And, my intention here is to show up in the widest spectrum of my humanity so that we may all remember... 

Last night, a group of eleven of us gathered to bless and christen the heart of the Gaslamp space that I am slowly moving in to working out of.  It's ironic to watch the ebb and flow of this life - to have reveled in the prosperity that the Hive truly embodied and to now bee in a space one-sixth its size that currently has no lighting to illuminate it!  R. and I arrived early to finagle what we could find and make use of so that we could shed some light on the evening.  Then, my community came (just as they always do when I ask - wow!  How blessed I am!) and we connected - with our eyes, with our words, our hearts, our dancing, through sound and music and song and laughter.  We held each other and documented the process.  We enjoyed simply bee-ing together.  Jon said that it was like our own version of Warhol's Factory.  YES!

So, even though I am at the end of my rope and I feel as though I am pulling myself, tooth and nail, back towards whole, I honor how honest this space feels - it's where we are, collectively.  As I like to say, "beautiful, filled with potential and beat up."  And, I am also filled with immense gratitude for the others in my life, for how we support each other as best we can and for the MAGIC we continually CO-CREATE.  I am also wholeheartedly committed to returning the Divine Love that the Universe has continually, over and over again, been reaping upon me in this lifetime, now.  We're married - him and I.  It's a Divine Union - made manifest eons ago.  He's just been waiting for me to commit.

ELEVEN - I GOT SOUL & IT MAKES ME WANNA DANCE

Enjoy this lil' remix for your back to work Monday blues.
I shook my tail feathers as my way of communing with the Divine (aka Dance Church) yesterday and each time this song came over the loudspeakers my Spirit sang.  During the first rendition, I crawled up into one of my soul sistahs arms as she sat, cross-legged, openly crying by herself.  I rocked us as I sang the main refrain, "I got soul, I got soul," into her damp shoulder.  To close out our morning dance session, DJ God again played this song and this time I was in my your arms - my favorite place to bee - where we danced and hummed, together. 

Riding the coaster up to Encinitas from downtown, I listened to my voice mail where my mother's menacing voice stated that I was evil and two-faced and filled with hate and that I would never bee happy.  And, I can stand her judgment and rejection of me, yet again, because I chose all of this, now, so that my Soul may learn, grow and evolve.  I am centered in the eye of any storm because I know who I am at my deepest core - I AM LOVE (just like you.)  And, it has always made me want to DANCE.

One of my earliest memories dates back to 1979, when I was about three-years-old and the sound of Gloria Gaynor's voice came barreling out of the stereo system in the living room of my parent's townhouse in Toronto, Canada.  All I remember is that my baby booty began to sway as I was lifted up and carried off on a life raft to a safer shore and away from the chaos of my parent's home.  "And I, I will survive, hey, hey!"  I didn't know then that my life's circumstances were preparing me for a vibrant journey in which metaphor plays an essential role.

ENJOY THE RIDE, my friends.
(No matter what comes.)
Because THIS IS IT. 

Swingin' In to the Year of the sssssssSnake

Let me guess....
You're never heard of Ani DiFranco?
How about Woodie Guthrie?

One question that can come from my peers that I have very little compassion for is,
"What kind of music do you like?"  It's like, "What are we, in high school?"
I have the same kind of antagonism for the question, "What do you do?"
I wrote about it that in my online portfolio yesterday - you can read it here.

I LOVE MUSIC!  And, I LIVE.
What more is there?
How about ~ "How is Your Family?"
(Well, gee, I think I received another early morning, stalking voicemail from
my manic-depressive mother today.  How's that for an answer?)

So, Ani - she's one of the baddest ass, American contemporary, singer songwriters that you've probably never heard of.  Twenty albums later, a self-made label because she wasn't going to sell out, two marriages, one daughter, loyalty to her Buffalo roots where she refurbished a historical building that the city had condemned AND she introduces us, her passionate listeners, to other American musical musts: including Woodie Guthrie as well as the centuries-old, human-rights activist folk songs as sung by the late Utah Phillips, and many more.  She's a true feminist - "I mean why can't all decent men and women call themselves feminists, out of respect, for those who fought to get us here."

Feminism isn't just about us women, yo!  It's about all of US, together - sustaining and building upon our vibrant whole.  Feminism is a natural up-swing from the millennium-old tale of God as the Son/Sun and Adam/Atom as the center of our Soular System/Universe.  "Hello!  We're all GODS here."  Though, today's man - like my brother B. was demonstrating on Tuesday night - must recognize that the sensitivity of the clitoris is many, many times greater than that of the penis and that the world is best served when man bows down to the creative life force of destruction and creation that woman naturally embodies.  And, here's the best part, men - we love you and we want to submit to you.  All it takes is your understanding and honoring the rightful balance of life lived on this planet Earth.

So, look through your stored music - CDs. iPod, i Pad, what have you - and notice... if your gizmos are predominantly stuffed with western male bands then, my friend, it is time for you to expand your awareness and EVOLVE.  And, no, it isn't just women you need to hear singing and belting out real stories.  It's Africans, and Indonesians, it's world music and flavor.  It's meditation and singing bowls.  It's the LOVE frequency (528 gigahertz), the sound of your own heartbeat as well as your beeloveds, and the wind through the trees, the ocean crashing on the shore, the birds singing overhead and more.  LOVING MUSIC IS EQUIVALENT TO LOVING LIFE.  
IT SERVES YOU WELL TO BEE AS DIVERSE A CONNOISSER AS POSSIBLE.  (Especially if you're a musician.)

Daily Dose of LOVE - Two/NINE

About Our Collective Craziness, take ii

When I was at Sonoma State, one of our visiting dance teachers told us about an experience from her college days in the late 60's at UCLA.  "Once, on a Friday night," she shared, "there were two concerts scheduled on-campus.  One was jam-packed as students and late-teeny-boppers swayed to the sugary-pop rhythms of the Beach Boys.  The other was sadly absent of a rockin' crowd.  Take a guess at who the second performer was," she cajoled us.  "None other than Jimi Hendrix himself."  What?!  Yeah.  I told a brother this story the other day and he was left with his jaw agape. 
A true "WTF?" moment.

What is collectively up with us that we refuse to recognize raw talent and pure genius when it exists in these moments now?  Why does it seem that we need death to wake us the fu$k up?  Sometimes, I like to fantasize that both Tupac & Big Poppa faked their violent ends as a brilliant means to sell their records.  Kahlo, Shakespeare, Van Gogh, Dickinson, Galilei, Thoreau - the list goes on. 

Thus it is that I spent last night in the company of artistic genius.  The work of internationally renown performance artist, S.K. Thoth, will continue to bee around long after we are all gone.  Thoth spent a decade developing his work in NYC's Central Park before he was joined by Lila Angelique.  Now, they compromise the pray-forming duo known as "Tribal Baroque."  Last night, however, we simply gathered at one of my soul sistar's Poway homes for family time over dinner.

As a graduate student, I first became familiar with Thoth's work as we over-intellectualized about art and forgot about our bodies.  Then, in 2011, I was wandering through Balboa Park when I ran into some of my tribe who not only encouraged me to come witness Lila & Thoth pray-forming down a hallway but who also then introduced me to them.  On New Year's Eve 2012, they were at Jon's Hamilton Street condo weaving their magic.  For the Hive's 1st anniversary party, the dynamic duo also offered a blessing to our buzzing community space.  And, now, here they are again.  They say they love San Diego - US - because we're FAMILY. 

So, we sat together, eating a scrumptious meal made by Mz. Luvlee herself as the children did their thing and we learned more about how this millennium-old, spiritual connection came to be.  And I marveled at this LIFE now, as I silently sat grinning, filled up on my sisterhood (with both Cyn & Sorel), surrounded by old friends (S.B. and I date back to our freshman year in high school!), with Adelaide's panther painting prowling over the blazing fireplace (D.K. has the print of it in her Carlsbad studio, which I was just admiring on Tuesday night), and a hail storm outside leaving the streets of San Diego white like a winter dusting.  His-story is over.  This is our-story, here and now.......

post-hail storm like snow on the streets of San Diego

"If you tell the truth it becomes the past,

if you tell a lie it becomes the future."

Recent experiences have illuminated for me that WE'RE ALL CRAZY.

INCLUDING ME.  

And, this awareness, has deepened my regard for some of those whom I am closest to.

With this realization has come the full permission to let go of any remaining walls around my heart so that I am fully showing up to the relationships that are my most regenerative and truest in exchange.  Just this week, I told my best friend that my life would suck without her - and, it would.  The intuitive hit that keeps filling my BodyMind is how important it is that I show, not just tell, my LOVE for and to these others often.  The story of beeing taken advantage of is over - so, I do what I can to reciprocate all that I am being given (which is beyond measure).  It is the least I can do.

I am honest in my telling because I want the past to bee over and done with.  Thus, I am willing to sit with the heaviness of all of my missteps.  The thing about our mistakes, however, is that there is no such thing.  Each moment indelibly adds up to the next (if we let it) - the year of the Dragon taught me this much.  What is vital, though, is our ability to bee with the discomfort that our perceived f*ck-ups can create.  Sitting in it is the hardest part - so, just admit to it!  "I feel really uncomfortable because...."  (for example: "I signed my name to all of those graduate school loans knowing full well that I would not comfortably be able to make monthly payments for some time."  Or, "I had sex with you because it was a biological need of mine, not because I have any interest in engaging with you on a deeper level."  Etc.  Yes, the truth hurts AND it sets us free.) 

I beelieve that one way forward is if we all just honor and recognize that the whole world is crazy and that life "outside" is fu$ked up.  This isn't to imply that it isn't perfect and beautiful, as well, because it is.  The nature of Life lived on this planet is a dualistic one - there is no light without shadow.  This doesn't mean that we attack it with our swords and sabers held high, either.  Rather, let's just accept the paradox as being the true creator of all of this indelible beauty and move forward from here.  "Out beyond wrong doing and right doing, there is a field.  I will meet you there."  --Rumi

Daily Dose of LOVE: on hurting

"The first thing is the body.  The body is your base, it is your ground, it is where you are grounded.  To make you antagonistic towards the body is to destroy you, is to make you schizophrenic, is to make you miserable, is to create hell.  You are the body.  Of course you are more than the body, but that 'more' will follow later on.  First, you are the body.  The body is your basic truth, so never be against the body.  Whenever you are against the body, you are going against God.  Whenever you are disrespectful to your body you are losing contact with reality, because your body is your contact, your body is your bridge.  Your body is your temple."  --Osho

And, one of my truths is that my mind can easily convince me that I don't need to Dance, or Move.
It can fool me into beelieving that I don't need to Sing.
That I don't need Contact, Touch, Intimacy, Sex or LOVE.
My mind tricks me into thinking that I am perfectly content alone, isolated, distracted, and without YOU.
My mind lies.
But my body always knows.
It is simply up to me to remember.

The Truth Hurts

Did you get your copy yet?  royaljellypublishing.com

The moment and call that I had been expecting came.  In response to my first "LoveBook," my mother left a 4:45am message on my voice mail this morning.  "Your father was appalled at your LoveBook," her scratchy voice intoned.  "I burned it, along with your "Love" sign - in effigy," her scary, menacing self announced.  I pressed the number '7' for "Delete" at that point.  Yes, welcome to Cara's world.  And, I knew this was coming. 

What can I say?  Yes, I have my ugly shadows that my family, I am sure, will readily point out to you.  Heck, I do it myself right in my LoveBook - "All of this swirling confusion and chaos found a home inside of me as well, so that I'd strike out in words and deeds - by hitting, stealing, lying, cursing and more."  These dark sides of mine have continued right up until now and probably will bee with me for a long time.  I find it very difficult to feel emotionally safe enough to communicate my needs to others - especially in intimacy.  And, I can stand in the gale force wind of your judgment of me.  'Cuz Lord knows it just keeps coming anyway - the Universe has been having me steadfastly doing it for the last five months now.  

I wrote the LoveBook because I am tired of hurting - both my own and ours collectively.  I am sorry that all my parents could see in its beautiful embodiment were the few passages in which I mentioned their past selves.  Nonetheless, I expected this - I am so great at playing the victim because I learned it from my mother.  She also happens to bee the biggest perpetrator in my life, as well.  Ah, these strange contradictions.  How I love them!  As sweet brother J. pointed out on Tuesday night, "You are a Tantrika, Cara."  

Yes, I am willing to be with the discomfort of the darkness because it makes me human and right at home, on this planet Earth.  It's the only place I want to bee and the only ME I want to dream of, here and now - HUMAN!  Of course, it doesn't feel good - our growth doesn't always tickle.  Remember when your teeth were growing in?  Or, when you were dumped for the first time?  No, it's not easy but, then again, our spiritual evolution wasn't meant to bee.  Otherwise, it wouldn't take thousands of years for our Souls to evolve. 

So, my first LOVEBOOK has been burned in the home I grew up in.  YES!  We're off to an amazing start here, people.  LOVE hurts sometimes, it's true.  I am okay with being hurt because I accept it as par for course on this ride.  And, sometimes, I unintentionally hurt others (like my parents).  The question is not, "How can we avoid this pain and suffering."  Rather, it's "how can we allow it and then FORGIVE it?!"

Daily Dose of LOVE with Liz of Rooted Living

Preface for the video above: I mention Liz in a number of my videos.  Arwyn and Jedi, our hens from Las Raices, moved here to Liz's home in North Park, where M. & I are subletting.  I have been pestering Liz to make a video together for months now.  Hence, here it is - naturally, it is nothing like I initially envisioned it to bee and c'est la vie.

In the video, it is also with excitement that I announce the launch of Tantric Ballroom Dance Classes on Valentine's Day out of a space located in the heart of San Diego's Gaslamp District - where men and women get dressed up to the nines and parade up and down the avenues, stepping into bars, nightclubs and dance halls, hoping to CONNECT, make contact, find intimacy and/or have sex with each other, all year long.

The space is gorgeous, filled with potential and beat-up - kinda like me, as I am fond of saying.  It is an old, turn-of-the-century, three-story building with wood and brick floors and walls.  Paint of various hues, yellow, red and green, line the narrow passageways of studios where seamstresses, media whizzes and artists of other mediums do their work. 

But until then, there is this now and I feel beat the ^&*( up!  I am having a hard time shaking this headache issue.  Grrrr.... "Loving care for Cara coming right up -  Here.  Now."  YES!  And, I wanted to write about LOVE: about getting to dance on Tuesday night and feeling a bit 'triggered' upon my entrance and, then, channeling this energy into my dance.  I felt pissed off!  "Fine," the thoughts in my bodymind go, "I can accept the highest form of flattery - of your wanting to bee like me - but don't take advantage of my generosity (or others'!)"  In other words, "Don't %^&* with Cara (or her loved Ones!)"  I unfurled my Divine Feminine in my dances with my brothers with fervor and passion.  If you feel inept because you compare yourself to others, then you went home with your tail between your legs on that night.  Do yourself a favor - BEE YOU!  It's what I want, it's what the world needs and it is how you will bee happiest anyway!

And, I have to admit that I LOVE how C. calls me, "Kali Ma."  Today, L. called and he was pleasantly blown away by my voice mail.  When we spoke, he said, "Cara, for years I've judged you and those who have focused on LOVE and happiness, not on money or fame.  And, though I resisted you, I watched you from a distance (via Facebook).  Even then, I felt touched by what I sometimes saw there.  Now, after moving through my own awakening of the past few months, I call and your message tells me that you love me and to bee exactly where I am and, even though I know the message wasn't personally made for me, WOW!  Thank you.  I needed that - now."   

So, when F. inquires about being given money for helping me out even after he let me down last month when I last asked for assistance, I allowed my honest truth to shine forth.  In response, he made excuses, blamed me and had the audacity to call me "Girl."  I hung up on his a$$.  He proceeded to send numerous texts to which I laughed.  "Don't mess with Kali Ma, $%^&*!"
I'M BACK.

p.s. On my first morning officially sleeping here at the first Rooted Living house, I awoke to find a Monarch butterfly perched on the wooden floor of our two-bedroom craftsman.  I carried it out to the porch and placed it on one of the potted broccoli plants where it gathered strength from the sunlight and, eventually, flew off - both to mine and Liz's amazement.  Now, she bakes a large, butterfly cookie-cake in our warm kitchen.  Cheers to LOVE, laughter and Kali Ma!

withdrawl (or, strange contradictions)

I got hit hard
again yesterday.
Knocked on my ass
by a reveberating drumbeat
pulsing in my left temple,
"what the %^&* is going on?"
my mind cried.  Granted, I didn't sleep well
the night before, a late night spent gettin'
my groove back on as well as tapping back into my
favorite of dances (partner dancing!) and then, fitfully
sleeping on a giant bean bag in my best friend's newest
Carlsbad studio.  But, two near migraines twice in one week is too much.
Again, laid out horizontally way too early, I contemplated
what external shifts were taking place to create such disruption within me.
I then realized, with a quick breath in, "Ah!  
I am going through withdrawals."  Nearly four weeks spent drinking
Arabic coffee, the thick, black sludge taken without any sweet or liquid enhancers,
apparently takes its toll.  It's ironic.  Together, we would chuckle at the American way of coffee
on the run, as we sat slowly enjoying small sips and vibrant conversation.
Sometimes, R. would roll a diverse cigarette to go along with our morning reverie and I
luxuriated in how some of my tastes, like these, I prefer to be "European."
Yet, this obviously isn't gentle, either.
When I last spoke to him, he said, "It's cool - you're having many different experiences that you can
take and create from as you build forward."
Perhaps, I'll turn towards the eastern way of tea ceremony next.
Just as soon as I kick these withdrawals....

And, I Remember...

that I am in love with you.

Tonight, soul sistah D. held deep space .
Rockin' in space and time to laconic beats on an Encinitas dance floor,
we stood, face to face.  "Isolation hurts," we cried into each other's sweet visages.
"It hurts so badly," I whimpered.  "And, we think it's normal."  

After weeks away from the dance floor, my body surrendered into its welcoming embrace.
Melting into its comforting arms, my peers floated around my head, buzzing near my bee-ing in attempts to engage me.  "Let me take care of my self first," my flower asked, receiving the space I needed to simply connect back into me.

I am in love with myself.
Dancing with you helps me to remember.

So, we twirled and we laughed.
Your beauty mirroring my own.  We chuckle at this knowing, together.
Then, David Gray's "Let Go of Your Head, Let Go of Your Heart, BABYLON," comes over the loud speakers, as we circled and crossed each other - dancing the dance of polarity.  And, I remembered:
Europe and living in a Swiss chalet when English lass, and my then roommate, Laura introduced me to Gray's "White Ladder" album.  And, I remembered: all those years spent desiring...
Connection.
Intimacy.
Touch.
Contact.

And, here I am.
Dancing with you....
And, you -
who has been my absolutely favorite dance partner for years now,
I am in love with you.
And, you -
who loves to kiss me and tell me what an amazing woman I am.
I am in love with you.

THANK YOU.
For helping me to remember
that I am you
and you are me.
Our dance reminds me
that I am in LOVE
with LIFE.