(now you know why i write about LOVE)

P.S. This is a deeply personal post and, considering who you are reading it, you may not like what it has to say.  However, it's my tale to tell...

p.s.s.  I am a Fire Dragon, by way of the Chinese Zodiac.  (And, the Rattlesnake that bit me in March was also Blue!  http://www.chcdesigns.blogspot.com/2012/04/bite-is-four-letter-word.html )

Dearest Love,

I've attached an email I just discovered in my personal e-inbox below.
And, before you read it, I want to share with you a little about what I released today:

This morning, I sat in front of a churning Pacific allowing my deep feelings of "not good enough" to arise, flowing in and out like the tide.  Jess L. recently helped me see more clearly the judgment that still comes my way from my very own, blood sister.  As I've shared in the past I don't feel safe - I never have. 

In my most primal experiences, my mother never offered me Unconditional Love.  Instead, she hit me and spit words of venom at me when she was displeased.  Meanwhile, my father either physically ran away for business travels or drowned his sorrows in a beer bottle.  On occasion, he hit and emotionally eviscerated any sense of "protection" I hoped to find.  My brother merely emulated my mother's rage & abuse.  Growing up, I always thought my sister was my refuge - she taught me everything, modeled a passive surrender and I always looked up to her.  But she too rejected me - telling me I was not someone she would ever be friends with and by offering me a place in her wedding, not at her side but, as the photographer's helper.

It was the rejection and judgment from my sister that nearly vanquished my Spirit.  "I must truly be a monster," I thought, as I pulled in and worked so hard at making myself a "better" person.  I see now, so clearly, how I've invited men into deeper intimacy with me who merely served to perpetuate this false idea - that I deserve rejection and judgment.  I deserve pure, sweet, kind, generous, grateful LOVE ~ just as I so readily give out.

I'm typing this and crying - so, thank you for the release.  ; ) 

Today, I am humbly grateful for the life lessons that I chose in this lifetime.  My Spirit needed to learn all of this to be here, now.  And, I kneel down in gratitude to my parents and siblings for being my teachers.  Also, I am sharing this with you because I want you to know that this is why I am 110% committed to the Rise of the Feminine, to Sisterhood and to our message of Personal & Global Peace, Love & Harmony.

May this Blue Moon allow you to also release what no longer serves you, thereby transforming it into the raw fuel you need in order to intentionally direct your life towards what you've always dreamed!

May it Bee and
So It Is,
--Cara

Greetings, and Glad Tidings ~

We've all heard the phrase, 'Once in a Blue Moon', right?

These words spark imaginings of starry lights, illuminated nights
and a feeling something new and unique is coming around;
Something rare and profound is flowing into our lives to shake
things up, stir our Hearts and brighten even the darkest of Nights. 

Well ... on August 31, 2012 the Blue Moon is rising, Beloveds.
Along with it, a powerful Gateway of Fiery change is opening.
In the Heavens and in our Hearts.  Gratefully, it is comes at just
the right time (of course!).

With all the intense earth changes, social unrest, political jest
and downright muck and mire we've been slogging through these
past few moons, we're all ready for a bright Light to Illuminate
and ease the Way.

Besides being a Blue Moon, it is also a
Double Dragon Full Moon.

It is a Double Dragon because this is the
Year of the Water Dragon, and this final
August moon is  connected to the
Fire Dragon, Kokopnyam.

(It is a Blue Moon, of course, being the
second full moon this month.)

My teacher, Sister of the Heart and
Quero Apache HolyOne, Maria Yraceburu,
offers this simple ceremony for aligning with
the energies of the Dragon Moon:

"Go out and sit under the stars.  Find the one that calls
to you. Allow the ancestry to flood your heart, slow down
and pace yourself. We join with Earth now, as is our birth 

right, and experience her transmutational power.

Appreciate the beautiful confirmations you receive.
Together, aligning in time, in passion, we attract the 

rainbow and build the bridge."



'StarStream Initiations' ~ Stacey Robyn 2012Also, using Maria's energetic charting and her Tlish Diyan cyclic
calendar, the energy for this August 31st Full Moon is:

===> HeartFire Initiations: Honoring

Beloveds, the HeartFire is a Gateway of transformation, a tool

for purification, and an inner Light that guides and Illuminates
the Pathway.

As we are all in a period of intense initiation, with Earth changes
in full-swing (mirroring the shifting of our inner landscape and
the purification of our collective consciousness) HONORING
our selves, our Inner Knowing, and daily making space to care
for ourselves is paramount.

In our own lives we've been experiencing bouts of dizziness,
nausea, and frequent ringing in the ears.  Daily naps have become
a necessity, instead of a luxury, and we find we require extra
time to accomplish even seemingly simple tasks.

A slurry of old memories are popping up left and right, ready to
be witnessed, accepted and released.  Perhaps this is happening
for you, too.  Remember - Gratitude is truly the Master Key that
opens us to the fiery healing power of Love. So when life gets
intense, sometimes the best thing to do is just breathe into the
HeartFire and give Thanks!

By Honoring our Selves, our Truth, our Bodies and All Our Relations
we add our purified essence and energy to the raising of
consciousness, simultaneously releasing fear and stepping
out of old stories ... into full presence and empowered, authentic
action.

In addition to the simple Full Moon ceremony shared above, Maria
Yraceburu add this:

"This is important ===> In our way, time is set aside after

transition for gentle entry into new life."
In other words:  This Double Dragon Blue Moon is BIG, fiery,
soul-healing, Heart-Firing stellar Initiation.  In the weeks and

months following, it is vital to create space each day to ease into
the new energies ...  to fully settle into the new life-codes flowing
through right now. 

'HeartFire Gateway' ~ Stacey Sophia Robyn 2012During the coming weeks, and months, as we settle into the new

energies, be sure to make space each day to re-center.

Meditation, entering the silence, connection and communion with
Nature, and accessing our Inner Knowing are vital to taking
life-affirming action in a grounded, present, peace-filled way.

Napping, lots of pure water, high-vibe foods and grateful thoughts
will do wonders, too, for making our way gracefully through the
Gateways of change.

To assist with integrating the massive transformations of the
HeartFire Initiations, we've designed a new 42 Day series:



We are initiating this new program August 31st, on the
Dragon Full Moon. We've designed this series to be a  daily
companion (and a gentle nudge!) to set aside time each day
to be present, centered and love-powered in our choices

as we make our way through the rapid changes at Heart!

To begin the HeartFire Gateways journey, go here ===>

http://clicks.aweber.com/y/ct/?l=9UT.R&m=J.7qpjhK0iL56L&b=bQotEDkYOAjVpv9vkpk4lw

As always, this high-vibe, heart-sparking 42 Day journey is
offered on the basis of Appreciation.

In short:  You choose an exchange that works for YOU!

Thank you, in advance, for adding your energy to the gathering =
and for supporting our mutual growth, evolution and planetary
Illumination!

In deep Gratitude to Maria Yraceburu -- for her wise council, loving
guidance and impeccable service to Humanity -- a portion of all
proceeds from the HeartFire Gateways program goes to support
the Yraceburu EarthWisdom Community and newly acquired
Taa-Naash-Kaa-Daa Sanctuary in beautiful NM.

This is truly a win-win-win opportunity for All!

HeartFire Gateways opens August 31st.  Join us here:

www.HeartFireGateways.com

Beloveds, Wherever this Full Moon finds you -- please take some
time to bask in the Great-Full-Ness of the Light of Grandmother
Moon. Open yourself to the Heavens and allow the Light of the
StarFire to merge with your HeartFire.

Feel this connection creating a bridge between Heaven and Earth,
Heart and Mind, Spirit and Matter.  Accept the gifts that flow
through this bridge and know you are Love, Loved and Beloved
Children of Creation!

We are profoundly grateful for your continued presence in our lives,
for the opportunity to serve, and thank you for adding your Light
to the World.

Ukehi Shi'bijii ... Thank you for being our Hearts

Thank you, Beloveds, for being YOU!

Stacey Robyn and the ground crew of
Go Gratitude!
World Gratitude
and Blooming Humans, too!

P.S.  Remember - HeartFire Gateways opens August 31st.
Just imagine what will happen as we connect our HeartFires
planet-wide.  Now there's a new version of Burning Man for ya!
Dust-free to boot!  ;-)

Join us here:  www.HeartFireGateways.com

READ, iii

James' and Day's fairy tales also demonstrate the DIVINE DANCE of our GENDER ARCHETYPES: the MASCULINE laser-beam FOCUS of PURPOSE through which FREEDOM is discovered and achieved and the FEMININE FLOW of RELATIONSHIP through which LOVE is sustained and nurtured.  Anchoring this Spiritual Consciousness is a PRIMAL SEXUALITY that is Earth-based: two, highly attractive and charged members of opposite mating parts smell, sense, feel, see & hear an equal pro-creator in the act of CO-CREATION.  In other words, a potential mate for creating successful progeny, thus ensuring the survival of one's species.

However, both series, 50 & Crossfire, are horrifically stuck within the modernist era of Individualism and Isolationism.  Today's true protagonaist is not just a young woman out of college who is sexually liberated and pursuing her calling in life.  Rather, she is a woman on point - an Angelina Jolie whose commitment to planetary PEACE, LOVE & HARMONY is ferocious and unwavering.  And though she expects her man to be living his purpose while reaping the rewards that the Law of Attraction naturally begets, she commands that his attention and healing also be in alignment with the greater good of all, including this planet. 

James' & Day's antagonists are men who have not been forced to also transform their economic ways.  In today's 21st century world of modern tribalism, business as usual for a billion's sake is no longer an option.  And we, the western women of this world, will not settle for anything less.  No matter the pretty shoes, or the fancy dresses.  No needs for sparkling jewelry or some handsome knight in shining armor.  No way. 

So, men, bee on point.  Join us in our shared purpose and claim us in the process - for mind blowing, Earth shaking, life transforming sex.  Oh YES, we'll submit.  WE WANT TO SUBMIT.  It's simply up to you. 

READ, ii

So, SEX, YES!  These books, for us western women, are representations of our collective reclamation of our VIBRANT, EXTREMELY POTENT and POWERFULLY SEXUAL BODIES.  I don't know about you but, biologically speaking, I am at the peak of my sexual development and, for years now, I've experienced my sex as Ani DiFranco sung, "My cunt is built like a wound that won't heal."  Only, my cunt isn't wounded and it doesn't need to be healed in that sense.  What it needs is play, stimulation and orgasmic release.  It needs LOVE, touch and penetration.  And, it wants it more often than not.  In fact, my sexual appetite far outweighs that of any man whom I have been with.  It's a deep, black pit of insatiable need.  "Feed me," she purrs. 

I've been this way since I was a little girl and I was forced to sit with my legs closed as my sex throbbed while a language, that I didn't understand as having any real meaning to my life, was drilled into my head for repetition's sake; trying to fit me into a world that I no longer recognize or even feel like I belong in.  "What is 12 times 12?" the flashcard reads and it all feels so inconsequential to this pulse that's racing through my body!  A round circle forced into a square peg just doesn't fit.

I type this now not to brag nor to advertise but because I am just like every other woman.  This Is Our Feminine Power & Birthright - it is the MAGIC & MEDICINE that has been beaten, repressed, suppressed and mercilessly drained from our veins for millennium.  The systemic misogyny of raping & pillaging our feminine life force, including this Earth's, is an essential element of rationale, reasoning and capitalism - in other words, the blatant disconnect of our minds from our bodies is exactly situated in this sexism.  But I digress. 

READ!

READ.
Even if it's the 50 Shades of Grey series by E.L. James (which apparently was banned in Brevard County, Florida,  YES!)  Personally, I couldn't slow myself down enough to read until the very end of high school.  It might have been the summer after I graduated, actually, when I discovered the romance novels of Danielle Steel.  In a mere matter of pages, I was transported around the globe as well as back in time without ever having to leave the comfort and security of my parent's house or my home town.

READ.
Yes, I've read all three books in E.L. James'  50 series this summer and, like almost every other American housewife and woman, I too was pulled right into the world of Anastasia Steel and Christian Grey.  Oh, the Sex!  The over-the-top and all-around, BDSM, red play room of pain SEX.  Oh, eye candy like crack that I can't put down and that I must devour every last morsel of.  Oh, the SEX!  And, I just did the same thing yesterday with one of James' counterparts, Sylvia Day's novel, Bared to You. 

(preface)  I've been reading the signs from the Universe as a plethora of potent symbolism greets my eyes and ears on an almost daily basis.  True to form, Day's protagonist is a recent NYC transplant, from San Diego, who graduated from SDSU and whose father serves on the Oceanside Police Force.  As she wantonly careens into the arms of Gideon Cross, the sounds of Adele's 19 album play in the background - just as I have been addicted to Adele's soulful voice & romantic lyrics for the past week.

My hunger for words has also illuminated my FEMINIST:

(“I love my country, by which I mean I am indebted joyfully to all the people throughout its history, who have fought the government to make right. Where so many cunning sons and daughters, our foremothers and forefathers came singing through slaughter, came through hell and high water so that we could stand here, and behold breathlessly the sight; how a raging river of tears cut a grand canyon of light. Why can't all decent men and women call themselves feminists, out of respect for those that fought for this?” Ani DiFranco) 

Thus, as much as I was pulled into James' & Day's fantastic tales of great sex, the roller coaster of love, power & money, I also feel that something is deeply missing.  Allow me to expound....

SIGNs

signs sing.
before my eyes.
signs sing
for only my ears.
signs sing
everywhere.
signs sign
potent symbols
bees on telephone poles
turtles on necks, and shoes
signs sign
their timeless harmony lilting from the piano
to the guitar
signs point
to the weaving of webs
and the telling of story
signs sign
a medicine beyond the counter
and underneath the clutter
signs sing
and I'm still learning how to
mix more quickly the powerful metaphor,
and the meaningful synchronicity.
"Urgency is not helpful," she reminds me,
as I walk her to the stairs of the city college,
where more friendly faces await.
"There's something about you and information," Cara said yesterday,
as I randomly stopped in to her Leucadian place of business.
She offered me a reading - a mirror reflection sent by the Universe.
And I honor the mystery - lifting my shoulders, my palms upturned toward the sky.
"I don't know what any of it means," I speak,
"and that's okay by me."
I figure I'll find out soon enough.
Because the signs sing and the singing signs
say, "THIS IS IT."

tsunami of LOVE

"Non-attachment to outcome, yet not detached from the effort,
Like a surfer rides the waves, a tSUNAMI of LOVe is a wave we can all ride
Let it pour from the heart and it regenerates...."  --Matt Sablove

G's Soular Powered Bob sits outside the gate on 22nd Street, as the Soular Power Brigade will bee joining a huge tidal wave of LOVE today in support of California's Proposition #37 in which the people have spoken: "YES!  It is our right to know what is in our food.  "NO" to GMOs.  And, "NO" to Montsanto's corporate personhood as well as attempted takeover of our seeds & food supply."

This bee-ing human is an adventure; a ride that deserves our attention.  If we're not paying intention, then we might just lose the things that are closest to our hearts.  And, in this 21st century, it is our humanity that is at stake.  Ask yourself, "What makes me human?"  As you reflect on your answers, you might contemplate the role that this Earth plays in your endurance.  Who would you bee without fresh food grown straight from the Source?  What would you bee without clean water to parch your thirst?  What will you become if the air is no longer clean enough to breathe? 

These questions, and the answers to them, deserve your diligent awareness.  Now is the time, because our shared evolution just might not be the butterflies & rainbows, & the light & love that many of us are counting on & hoping for.

TOURist

Rock bursts into flame overhead as a waxing, crescent moon hangs in a high desert sky.  A deep, guttural purring emerges from the thick sage brush across from us.  Giggling with nervous energy, I hug her arm close to me.  It was only two years ago when I brushed up closely with Mountain Lion energy here on this magical land.  To calm our nerves, we begin singing to the darkness of the bushes, "We are here and you are there and we are all happy together."  Innocently, we make our way onto the wooden platform where a series of outdoor hot tubs reside.   

Lounging, naked and vulnerable, her leg dangles limply in the scalding water as I alternate submerging my lower torso in and out of the tub.  This is the place of complete surrender.  We sit in quiet stillness, our breathing natural, our minds relatively still.  I speak the thoughts that are on her lips.  There is no denying how in tune our two bodies, these divine instruments, are.  "Play the instrument that you are," is how she likes to tell it.  She calls it "Soular Power."  I call it, "Bee-ing LOVE."  Different words, same meaning.

When the sun has once again risen, our timeless flow continues.  There is no rushing, no pushing, no chasing after some illusive dream.  There is no forcing a way here.  There is only a deep listening - to the birds screeching overhead, to the feel of the cool wind across our faces, and to the Earth's primal call for us to fulfill our destiny.  Master Builders; the purpose for why we are here, now, has everything to do with a blueprint and a creative way forward.  We acknowledge the contract that so many of us, drawn together at this exact moment in time, made millennium ago.  We honor that now is the time to evolve as well as to end our karmic agreements.  The foundation will bee built on a blank canvas, a slate wiped clean of all of the karma of our past deeds.

High noon, and a black thundercloud rolls overhead.  Fat raindrops, splitting on the windshield, erase the stagnant air of this high desert terrain.  A pungent smell of wet Earth begins to rise.  Slowly navigating the car over the dirt road, our eyes feast upon the landscape as we dream while awake.  In the blink of an eye, we drive up on a Red-Tailed Hawk taking flight with a 3' snake dangling from its talons.  She sits beside me, her eyes wide and her hand waving, as I exclaim, "QUETZALCOATL!" 

Less than 25 yards further ahead, a white & gray Falcon sits tall and proud on a fencepost.  We pull up beside it, driver side window down, fat raindrops drizzling in.  Tourists in our home town,  "Welcome to East County, San Diego," an invisible sign blinks on and off.  We chuckle, in mirth and magic, as we return to the busyness of contracts & agreements, of microwaves & cell phones, of interference and city living.

TEAL

Only 22-years-old.  Smart, talented, brimming with the optimism of youth and the Divine Feminine belief in "LOVE & Happiness."  Sweet faced, and eagerly charging forward into the unknown of this 2012.  A double cardiac arrest rendered her immobile last week.  And, now, today, Teal is gone - passed on like a candle in the night; a flame snuffed out far too soon; a rhythmic drum beat fallen silent.

I can't type that I knew her.  She was a tribe sister who briefly served as our membership director, during which I shared only one teleconference call with her.  And, now, she's gone, just as quickly as she was here. 

Then again, though, what is time? In joyful innocence, it is but a blink of the eye.   In rancid fear, it can be a nightmare with no imminent end.

Yesterday, I attended a memorial service for a man who recently passed away after bravely living with stage 4 cancer for too many years.  As a girl, he was my next door neighbor and his family served as a safe haven from the chaos of my home.  For decades, he watched over his parent's mom & pop diner in downtown Vista.  He was a beeloved community member, whose compassionate heart touched the edge-like spaces where most dare not tread.   He wasn't "financially successful," like his other siblings, yet he was pure LOVE - a sweet haven for his daughters, wife, family and all those who fluttered to him like moths to a flame.  And, now, he's gone, too.

All of this death has me contemplating life.  More specifically, my own.  Yesterday, as I sat watching the two teenage daughters of my one-time neighbor sing songs of time immemorial, I felt into an emptiness within.  All that matters in this life is love, family, music, children, laughter, tears, joy, touch, and art.  So, I sat there, feeling into my current choices and where they find me, now.  Life's too short to not live my dreams and life's too long to settle with the fear that has kept me from my destiny for far too long.  If I simply let go of my expectations to any perceived outcomes while not being detached to my efforts, then I'll sow, plant & cultivate the seeds, blossoms, and deep-rooted trees of LOVE & HAPPINESS in all facets and arenas of my life.

p/s/ Teal's mother made a Facebook request that we play Al's song as a reminder of her daughter's sweetness as Teal's body laid in between this here and now and the forever after in the hospital last week.

LONG

Slowly, I've been learning how to bee gentle with myself.  It hasn't been easy to learn, however.
Especially in light of this chronic habit I have for making lots of mistakes.  "Damn!"  I'm constantly mis-stepping, or so it feels.  Sometimes, I strike out with my right foot, only to have it land painfully on someone's leg.  It used to be that, when sensing my mis-step, I'd contract my foot, leg, and fear, in around me.  "Oh Cara!" I'd chastise myself.  "You bad person!  You've done it again; you've hurt someone."  I'd spend days and hours longing to take back my mistake and to set everything into proper order; perfection.  I've also given away years to the fantasies in my head that were longingly playing out images from my past or that were deeply attached to visions of the future.  I really had no clue that, in each of these cases, I was hurting myself.  

Yet, what this now has been saying is that for each of my seeming mistakes, all is in proper order and life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to.  I am coming to the place where I can and do apply this feeling to my relationships with those around me, as well.  I'm not leaking my energy by trying to figure out "Why?" or in seeking to "understand" anything.  The mystery cannot be cognitively understood.  It can only be felt, sensed, experienced & embodied.  So, I'm just trying to let it bee.  And, when those "mistakes" happen - because invariably they do and, for me, they happen a lot - I'm experiencing breakthroughs as a result of the "break downs" (in communication, for example).

Perfect case in point was my arriving to teach a Movement & Embodiment Arts class last night 30 minutes late!  "Ai!"  A past me could have chosen to not show up, at all.  This me arrived late with an arm full of toys (drum, harmonica, balls, markers, etc) and a desire to connect with where the group had begun warming itself into.  What flowed was LOVE.  Guided by something much bigger than this little, old "I", we concluded our intentional time together with purposeful moments of long silent, stillness.  This was a new edge for me, and I must confess "I loved it!"

When we're blaming ourselves and not letting go of the past, or of our expectations, Life can be way too LONG.  It can pull, like gravity, on our Souls, sinking our Spirits, drooping our shoulders, rounding our points, dulling our sheen, masking our brilliance.  However, we are not our actions - what we say and what we do is not the totality of our bee-ing.  This "we" are only brief, millisecond snapshots in the great flowing river of time.  And, what I'm also discovering is that gathering with others, in community, with the practice of presenting ourselves to this moment, here and now, is the most gentle way for making our short lives long.

Expressing Our TRUE Brilliance

If you haven't noticed, this month's theme for Tribal Truth - a Co-Creative Leadership Program in Which Conscious Women Are Collaborating to Make a Difference in the World - is EXPRESSING OUR TRUE BRILLIANCE.  As a result, the telephone lines & virtual wires have been buzzing from the Pacific West Coast of America all the way across the pond to where the Summer Olympic Games are taking place in London, with women, of all ages, getting lit up. 

We are listening for our individual as well as our collective brilliance by dropping into silence, stillness and our breath, together.  Then, we are wading into the murky pool of communication, boundaries, expectations, relationships, honoring and owning while recognizing, in the process, that our vulnerably expressing what is happening for us in this exact moment - for example, "I'm feeling nervous," or "I'm feeling like I'm not being trusted because I have been interrupted twice now in this conversation," - is the conduit through which we embody our truths.

Sometimes, however, this space can feel uncomfortable and messy.  For example, fear can arise when another shares, "What just happened is not okay with me."  An impulse to pull in, contract, avoid, run away, protect or defend one's self in the face of this may arise.  Yet, it is our staying open, vulnerable and honest to this pain - especially when it is we who may have inadvertently made a mistake or unintentionally hurt someone- that allows for true transformation to take place.  This "dark" place is the fertile soil from where we uncover our truths and beam our individual brilliance back into the world. 

Our brilliance is also discovered in the balance between the light & the dark, male & female, container & flow, structure & space within us.  It is the meeting place of the masculine and feminine energies and an improvisational responding of when to harness & wield the appropriate energy/tool for the corresponding moment and when to just hold back, patiently, as we wait and receive. 

All the while, we are TRUSTING that the juicy, organic, live, real TRUTH will reveal itself to us if we simply listen deeply and allow for the mystery of the unknown to bubble up and make itself “known."  This is how we harness our TRUE POWER as we co-creatively build forward in this new world to come.

JOIN US!!!!!!

TEST, test, test'ing

“‘My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer,’ the boy told the alchemist one night as they looked up at the moonless sky. ‘Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.’”

“There was a language in the world that everyone understood, a language the boy had used throughout the time that he was trying to improve things at the shop. It was the language of enthusiasm, of things accomplished with love and purpose, and as part of a search for something believed in and desired.”  --from Paolo Coelho's The Alchemist

Exactly three years ago, I began a journey towards fulfilling my highest purpose and living my life on point with my whole Self leading the way.  At the time, I was reflecting back on the words of Paolo Coehlo that had stuck with me since first reading his book, The Alchemist, after the turn of the 21st century.  I've always felt that I was born onto this planet at this time now for a very specific reason, I had simply lacked the courage of committing to my dream.  I didn't have any sense then of what this song in my heart is, I only knew that I must take steps towards it.  The process has been both brilliant and messy; I've made plenty of mistakes and I've suffered along the way. 

“Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn’t have the courage to say “yes” to life?”

If you were to spend any intimate time with me now, then you would hear me speaking about how I have been addressing my wounded masculine.  I've come to feel like my shield is in shambles, broken in pieces at my feet as I don't know how or when to defend myself from the barbed attacks by those closest to me, and I've also felt like my sword is dripping with the blood of innocent others whom I, out of my ignorance and fear, lash out at for the smallest infraction.  I've been actively addressing this within me as a means of re-wiring my mis-connections.  What has become absolutely evident is that my only way forward is by my full commitment to the vision I so clearly see dancing in front of my brown eyes and singing in my heart.  So, this week, I did it - I declared for the Universe to hear,
"I'M ALL IN."


“What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward that dream. That’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one “dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.”

And, this week, true to form, the Universe is test, test, testing me.  "You say you're committed, Cara.  But how committed are you?" I imagine it is chuckling.  I've also been reflecting on poison and sweetness this week, and I've had poison spewed at me like a volcano from the lips of a community member; I've had two of my closest others offering me poison in a bottle to drink; I've watched an uninformed friend unintentionally speak for those who would rather see our food supply eradicated of all things living; my own dog nipped me in the arm and then attacked two other defenseless dogs and I could go on and on.  I won't though.  Because I'm all in!  With my shield in tact and my sword at my side, I assert my boundaries and ask for my needs to be met.  I'll buy a muzzle for my dog, and I've already typed compassionate words of education.  I say "No, thank you," to the poison and "YES, PLEASE!" TO THE SWEET NECTAR & RICH, NUTRITIOUS HONEY! 

“Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.”
“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

TRANS

(At my dear, sweet sister's home, Jodi Komitor, founder of Next Generation Yoga, working side-by-side along another soul mate...)

from the Gaia Oracle Guidebook, page 76
#41 Amethyst
Transformation, Certainty, Confidence
A profound transformation is taking place in your life.  After much soul searching you are now back in control.  A new you is emerging, poised and with a renewed sense of confidence.  You can move forward with certainty.  The past is now behind you.  The hard work has been done.  All you have to do is to decide what it is that you truly want.  All is now possible.  Listen to your heart and don't settle for second best.  Set your course and then go for it.  Bee certain, bee confident and all is yours for the taking.  Blessed Bee!

Affirmation:
I give thanks for the transformation and healing that has taken place
I move through life with gratitude
I move through life with certainty
I move through life with confidence
I achieve my goals - what I focus on, I create.

Hmmm...

The aromas of sizzling hot turkey grease mixing with the scent of a Thai veggie curry emanate from our collective kitchen.  "Hmmm," says my belly as it jumps for joy while my senses do somersaults through our vibrant home.  We work, side by side in the Edwardian-style Victorian room, and my housemate speaks to feeling as though he doesn't have any close soul brothers here in San Diego.  "Hmmm," I respond, as I share with him the sadness that this thought endeavors within me.

I wander out into the yard to collect the compost pail, and my gaze falls softly upon my roommates.  Two women gently engaged in quiet conversation.  "Hmmm," my spirit lifts, sensing their mutual support for one another along this journey called life.  Buckbeat, Arwyn and Jedi are happily grazing, free range, across the yard.  Their furry feathers and plucking ways speaks deeply to some primal place within me, far beyond the rationale of words and reason.  "Hmmm," I merrily skip by, the white, plastic pail now swinging in my hand.

The heat of a southern California sun begins to fade as we slide into the end of our summer daze.  "Hmmm," I reflect on the time of this now.  Lately, my only response to "How are you?" is "I AM."  How else is there to capture and convey the myriad of dances, the highs and lows of new beginnings and turbulent endings, and the lessons that come with simply being present to what is.  "Hmmm," goes the vibration of my ribcage as I sink into the totality of my breath.  "Hmmm," escapes from our lips as we sink into the safety and comfort of each other's arms.  "Hmmm," says my pheromones when I am sitting next to him, nuzzling my head into his shoulder as he strums on the ukulele.

"Hmmm," says my fear when my mind wants to run circles and my body wants to bolt out the door yet, in the next moment the Universe responds - perhaps, with a big "HMMM" of his own.  "You know why you came here," I imagine he is saying.  "NOW is the time."   

Hmmm...

BIAS

Yes, I am totally and completely biased.
Almost always, my bias leans in the direction of ME.
I bee~lieve that I am brilliant - 
without apology, shame or guilt.
However, my EGO gets in my way with this statement,  
way too often.
Because, really, I'm not special or unique.
I'm just ME.  Kind of like you're just YOU.
And, there will always bee others who are "better," "worse," this or that.
We're all just hue-mans, doing this little shuffle from bee-ing to doing, day in and day out.

The times when I feel in my heart the truth of my brilliance is when the lights are not focused on me.  When I am sitting down, a sweet face in the rocking sea of a crowd, fully receiving the gifts that others have to give while surrendering myself to the magic and mystery that each and every moment presents.  Acknowledging that the gift is in our sharing of this ride - this wonderful journey called life - together, in which there is no randomness, no chance or pure chaos.  As my new friend Matt helped to elucidate this past weekend, while he strummed on the guitar and I danced in the pink-hued living room at Las Raices Collectiva, "Chaos is just flow without a container."  And, what I was trying to point out in my last two blogposts is that, "Papa provides."  His container is grand and sweeping.  His devotion is, without a doubt, present and all-encompassing.  There is purpose to everything - all we have to do is adjust our gaze to this lens.

My brilliance shines brightest when I am completely open and present to this moment, now.  When I am available and offering my still mind and quiet Soul, this is when I can truly listen not just to you but for the grandest totality of your Spirit.  When I am innocent, pure and like that blank slate once more, awaiting the canvas to organically unfold and reveal yet another brilliant masterpiece.
So, yeah, I have a little BIAS, 
and I like myself this way.

PAPA, take II

“You must write for yourself, above all.
That is your only hope of creating something beautiful.” ― Gustave Flaubert

 “I have no desires, save the desire to express myself in defiance of all the world’s muteness.”
― Vladimir Nabokov

(contextualized) 

Any ol' chicken can learn how to preen and cluck -
after all, it's what they're meant to do.
Any one person can learn steps to a dance and, in the process, become a fancy dancer.
Swimming upstream, however, requires valiant effort.

Most choose to run circles, chasing their tails, head over feet, careening wildly on this hamster wheel of life.  Meanwhile, she sits up in Grandmother Ficus, perched in meditative reflection on a wide branch, her legs dangling toward the Earth.
She knows why she has come here, now.

It's been three years, since she left and when she first declared her commitment.  Her Power is almost back.  And, he is reclaiming his too, in his playing the knight in shining armor to his southern love. They're to be married next month.  She reflects on her choice - the sacrifice she may bee making for what she feels is our greatest good.  She bears witness to their collective healing.  In her eyes, Brad Pitt wasn't sexy until he claimed Angie - providing a safe container for her as well as her grand vision and demonstrative action for world peace.

"I'm looking for a hard headed woman,
One who will take me for myself,
And if I find my hard headed woman,
I won't need nobody else, no, no, no.
I'm looking for a hard headed woman,
One who will make me do my best,
And if I find my hard headed woman
I know the rest of my life will be blessed -- yes, yes, yes.
I know a lot of fancy dancers,
People who can glide you on a floor,
They move so smooth but have no answers.
When you ask "Why'd you come here for?"
"I don't know" "Why?"
I know many fine feathered friends
But their friendliness depends on how you do.
They know many sure fired ways
To find out the one who pays
And how you do..." --Cat Stevens

PAPA

Part i: Notes from the Spirit of Leadership Conference inspired by brilliant sisterhood

"Once wounded he wandered
lost, unable to protect his self his shield
in shambles, his sword dripping
innocent blood his and his innocent brothers'
the centuries of oppression, the years of fear, contained within a half shell
anger wrapped around his heart like blankets choking his scream,
stifling his voice, his song lost to the impulses of defenses
near to vanquished, he crawls upon his knees, desperate and begging, he pleads
mercy, "Ayudame," he cries, the slain in pools of blue blood at his feet, still
life knocks and the moment he has spent so long for, arrives,
a powerful note, she stands astride, legs wide, arms held akimbo
belting out an operatic tune,
"Get up!  Get up! Get up.
Get up! Get up.. get uppp."
The veil of ego lifts, and the illusion of self is shattered.
"Oh," he shifts, his breath catches in his chest,
"THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME."


Part ii:
He speaks of her death "It was my job to protect her," and the repressed sob
lodges itself in my throat.  My voice constricts, my spirit withers, I point
a finger and blame, "Ugly."  Defeated but not dejected, moments press on
and medicine reveals itself in the guise of animals and the words of children.
I can no longer deny this song that must be sung -its upwelling a rhythm too potent
to ignore.  The Universe demands it with opportunity knocking, however the wounds may still prove too deafening a roar.  From the rejected hush of a people and the undulating waves of timeless connection, the voice of wisdom, rising up from the depths, reclaims its Power,
"It's all in the commitment."

 Part iii:

I'm All In. 



p/s/ 
sometimes leadership is knowing when to hold back, when to simply sit in silent strength keeping the container warm and the fire burning; sometimes victory is ambling across the desert on a hair of the tortoise shell, feeling the wind, caressing the current; sometimes life is sweet; other times it's poison; all the time, love is.

FEAR

(Recommendation: Play both of these videos at the same time, & turn down the volume on the Love frequency by just a few notches.)

Stopping me dead in my tracks, FEAR has laid waste to my Spirit as my mind spins in circles.
Rendering my body paralyzed and immobile, I fall victim to its slumbering ways, pulling a warm comforter over my head and wishing it all - including this life - away.  "Maybee tomorrow," becomes the salve for my sinking soul.  For far too long, however, tomorrow always came, bringing with it the popular refrain.  "No, but..."  "You can't..."  "You're not good enough..."  "Why do you deserve?" 

Then, one day, not too many months ago I realized that I could stop running from my feelings and rather just sit in them.  "I'm afraid," I spoke for no one but myself and the Universe to hear.  "I have this song in my heart that I must sing, and I don't know how." 

"Please, help me."   

Each time I have done that, the Universe has responded.

I recommend this tool for your back pocket.

As a result of my "Sitting In It," I am learning how to walk my path today - baby step by baby step.  A slight forward rocking is all that's necessary to discover myself creating new community, embodying my work and living my dreams. 

"I don't get it.  How come fear with music?" she innocently inquires.  "Some believe that the popular tunes that inundate our ears via the radio and other mainstream sources have been intentionally set at a specific frequency - one that endeavors the tightest of constriction and the most negative of responses within the human body." 
"Oh." 

HATEr

It's not true; what they say.
That I'm an angry feminist who hates men.

Once upon a time, I was pissed; that's certain.
Lately, though, I've mainly felt sad.
Sharing words of empathy for all of their repression and suppression,
for their loss of expression and freedom,
for the wounded ways that keep their tears from spilling.

My brothers simply haven't been afforded the same time and space to
acknowledge their collective pain, to reclaim their heavenly bodies
in the way that we women have had to do for far too long now.

Once upon a time, I sank deeper into me by wrapping my strong arms
around their hurting, offering softness in lieu of bitter judgment.
I discovered self compassion in the process; but, in the end, 
I can't love myself through another.  

I can only address my refusal, to focus my intention like a pin-pointed,
laser beam; my resistance, to stridently strike out towards my passionate
convictions; and my fear, of claiming what is rightfully mine for the taking.

I can only embody the truth of my deep, eternal LOVE
by consistently showing up and steadfastly committing to my purpose. 
I honor your Divine Masculine by now safely containing
the chaotic flow of my Divine Feminine.