Saturday, August 17, 2013

veering off course, II

“A human being is part of the whole called by us universe, a part in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. The true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self. We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if humanity is to survive.” (1945) 
--Albert Einstein
 
So, I watched this film,
I AM
by director of Ace Ventura and other big-budget comedies,
Tom Shadyac
and I was like,
"YES! Finally.
Someone was willing to bee brave and share a truth
that I have been feeling for far too long now."

WE ARE MENTALLY ILL, YA'LL!!!

Greed and competition have taken hold as THE story of our people, yet it's a fabricated lie. 
We are born to live 
cooperatively, to connect and to care for one another in supportive community.  All is connected to everything else and our hearts beat, beat, beating in our chests is the primary source of communication within these human bodies.  You are not separate or distinct.
In fact, you can not separate yourself from the rest of LIFE - this is Universal Law.

Like Tom, who finally woke up and realized that his multi-million, Pasadena spread,
private jets and other fancy toys, didn't make him any happier - especially in light of the fact that he was alone and sharing them with no one and, in fact, all of it only added to what's wrong with our world - I too am veering off course.
This ship is headed for a collision.
So, I am pulling off,
choosing to embody LOVE
and all that is right with this world.

I AM.


“You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it.
You must learn to see the world anew.”  --Albert Einstein

veering off course, I

There is this One
from my past
he loves film,
as in huge-budget Hollywood movies
starring that short-guy who thinks he is God.
(A typical male predicament.)

I don't like this kind of media, or this actor.
They are both stale, artificial and lacking real flavor
for my tastes. 
As for the person I am referring to in my 'real' life,
our run-in was like a speeding car on the I-5 freeway
that temporarily loses control, veers into the
lane beeside it and right into the path of an oncoming car.

The only thing is, that was me in that oncoming car.
Speeding, yes - for I am usually pushing 10-15 miles over the limit -
but I mind the rules of the road.  I am aware and ready.
In one heartbeat, I am driving along, singing, and content.  In the next heartbeat, I notice
a black Mercedes sedan fly by me to my left.  And in the very next heartbeat, the
speeding vehicle veers into my lane. 
One beat.  Two beat.  Three beat
FOUR!


(ACT!
Respond.
Don't think.)

On four, however, the careless driver awoke to jerk his steering wheel
out of the lane I was driving in, at 80+ miles per hour, and back into his.
Meanwhile, my BodyMind responded by pulling my steering wheel to the right
and navigating into the four right hand lanes where, thankfully, there were no oncoming vehicles.
FIVE. 
Our near collision led to his car doing nine, full 360 degree revolutions right beside
the freeway's cement divider.  I watched it all, as I breathed deeply and felt the panic swirling
in my gut.  Calmly, I pulled off at Del Mar's Via de la Valle exit and into a vacant parking lot
where I released a car load of screams, shouts and 'what the fucks!!!!'

This was three summers ago.

Mr. wanna-bee big-budget and I met less than a month after this experience took place. 
Since then, I have had to actively construct meaning from the adversity of our connection - it's the only way to deal with the crushing blows and painful run-ins.

In many ways, I have him to thank for one of the cruxes of my spiritual awakening over the past few years.  This kind of 'love,' though, isn't 'easy.'  It means that One says, "Thank you, teacher," and blesses
others on their way - especially when paths are on two very different courses.  

Friday, August 16, 2013

A Lesson on Embodiment: A Gift for YOU


EMBODIMENT has beecome quite a buzz word.  Rather than judge anyone, or harbor feelings of resentment for the adoption of this word by others who haven't necessarily studied its beginnings, I figured I would just offer my understanding of it - here and now.  Not too ironically, it was my graduate school professor who taught me that I was an embodiment artist.  Yet, it was never a gift she outright offered me.  Instead, she was afraid that, after a lifetime of beeing taken from as a 'minority, lesbian woman who was raised oppressed by the oppressed while beeing born in an oppressed land,' I would simply take from her. 

Today, I notice how this scarcity mentality can play itself out, over and over again.  Instead, I am choosing to break the pattern.  Nothing can bee taken from US.  Worth is not given, or denoted by numbers.  Value is inherent.  Either you know the measurement of you and your LOVE or you don't.  Period.

Embodiment is a branch of philosophy birthed as a response to Cartesian thought.  In the 17th century, Rene Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am."  This line of reasoning beecame the nom de plume of modern civilization.  Relying on the mind's ability to reason while valuing analytical thinking over and above reflective thinking, the disconnect between the mind and the body became a great chasm that we are, today, experiencing a deep fall out from. 

Cartesian thought separates mind from matter and creates a world of painful duality in which there always exists a smaller and smaller economic possibility.  (Also, if you reflect on the desecration of the wild feminine, you will note that Cartesian thought also makes this a reality.)  None of this is "bad" per se (nothing is, because wrong and right are constructs of the mind), rather it is simply imbalanced.  So, men beeing men, decided to use their minds to think their way back into their bodies.  Hence, EMBODIMENT STUDIES.  The only thing is we need to get fully back into our Bodies ~ and Hearts and Souls ~ in order to embody this science.

Sensuality.  Dancing.  Visceral Touch.  Real Time Human Connection.  All of these are examples of EMBODIMENT.  Notice, however, how we live in a world that values disconnection, to ourselves, each other and our planet, as well as distraction from what is "real."  Notice how the demonization of the Feminine, and of all that is related to soft vulnerability as well as receptive surrender, corresponds to all of this.

One needs to have a clear awareness of the world s/he fully inhabits in order to transform it.  We are disappointed in Barack Obama - and Beyonce is not the Black Madonna - because they are merely perpetuating the system of dominance that has been in place for far too long now.  Leading from a balanced place where we are not mimicking what doesn't work is truly an artform. 

When I "lead," I always place myself on equal footing with my peers.  I have spent many hours on stages, performing.  The proscenium arch is much like a television set in that it only propigates status quo.  It's a tough choice because we have been conditioned to bee told what to do and made to feel small by those 'above' us.  It will take a mighty force of many of US saying, "We are all leaders here," in order to create the real change many of US say we are seeking. 

Also, in my leadership, I have spent the past few years peeling away my agressive layers that want to assert my voice and my opinions at any and all tables.  "Do I really need to 'prove' anything?" is what I will inquire within when my desire to have my point 'understood' rears its head.  Today, I beelieve that true brilliance lay in cultivating embodied experiences in which every voice is heard speaking into what is our collective trauma as well as our shared celebration.  Again, this is the space of true transformation.  I welcome you and I invite your leadership.  We are all equal leaders and followers here.  (For this is, truly, A DANCE.)

"I do not seek to lead followers.  Nor do I wish to follow leaders," has been my mantra since I was twenty.   I hope you'll join me.

{breaking pattern}


b-r-E-a-K-in-g patt-ern
it's a common theme.
I noticed it on the Facebook feed this morning.
Others attesting as to how they are breaking the patterns -
of negative thinking, of holding back from making their offerings to the world, etc.

Last Sunday, One of my besties was holding another Sistar accounatable -
"I am questioning you because I feel you are repeating a pattern here," she said.
In those moments, as I bore witness to the discomfort that arose from both pushing an edge
and having an edge pushed, I simply sat in silence, wondering:
"what patterns am I repeating here and now?"

Although the desire to ask my bestie this question tickled at my throat,
I refrained because 1.) life isn't always about me and 2.) I trust my inner knowing to answer this
question for itself.  Time reveals all.

My exhaustion, of late, has been all consuming.  I've been wondering, "why?'  Aside from the obvious, the answer that came yesterday was that, for thirty-six years I have been push, push, pushing, to find my place - my Soul family with whom I can truly JUST BEE and where not only is there no hushing, shushing, guilting, competing, shaming or blaming coming back in my direction but there is active celebration of our collective WILDNESS.  Also, there is death here too for, in the process, I have released all those and that which no longer serves - not as a pushing away or in angry resentment, but simply as a "Thank you, Teacher for all of your lessons.  I'll see you when I see you." 

Better yet, is that I am here with another magical, dark feminine sistar and her three, gorgeous girls - a future for this planet.  In their company, they both watch me just beeing and they receive my embodied teaching.  No matter what they do, or how they beehave - moody, selfish, loud, bratty, annoying, silly, hillarious, whiny, whimsical, funny hair in side ponytails, etc - the reflection that always comes back is of acceptance and gentle nudges in a positive direction.  As a Priestess yesterday said, "the best we can do is to EMBODY it." (In regards to anything we want to "do.") 

And I am learning to really just embrace that THIS IS IT! and that this is perfect.  And, maybee, my future to come doesn't look anything like I envisioned it.  Perhaps, it is not a golden family that I have created all by myself, or the this or the that.  As another powerful sistar recently typed me, in regards to her now having to move out of our last house:

"I haven't found a new place yet and I bounce back and forth in feelings of uncomfortable uncertainty and trust for new awesomeness to come in.  I also noticed that I have to let go of any expectations or biased beliefs of how this awesomeness might look like.  I just notice this.  My idea was that the new home would be spacious, close to the ocean, beautiful garden... all these THINGS.  But I started wondering if that already is a limitation.  You know?  Oftentimes, the most wonderful surprises and situations DO NOT wear a glamorous mask.  You find the wonder at a second, a deeper glance.  So, I try to let go of preconceived ideas of what I THINK is the best place to move into for me and just start practicing to relax more into the vibration of trust that whatever will come is exactly what I need at this time."

TRUST.  RELAX.
WHATEVER COMES IS PERFECT.
NOW, BEE WITH THAT.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

9: The Challenge

It's A Challenge,
just for you.
Will You Accept?

Choose a certain amount of days (O & I have chosen 70 days, one of my peers chose 78 days), FOCUS ON WHAT YOU ARE CREATING FOR YOURSELF BETWEEN NOW AND THEN and take daily, active steps towards its manifestation.  You may use mantra, meditation, visualization, singing, dancing, writing, etc, whatever works for you!

Why are we doing this?
Because we recognize that when we are unclear about what we "want," our lack of clarity and confusion only adds to the world's suffering. 

Why "Want" for Anything?
Because we are human and, even as we honor that everything is perfect now, it is our LOGOS ~ our ability to hold a vision for the future that we are moving towards ~ that has us actively constructing meaning in our lives.  It is with our own two hands that we manipulate the world we want to live in. 

On Sunday, when I arrived at Dance Church, I realized that my vision is to bee the world's greatest EMBODIMENT ARTIST.  So, I dropped in and danced my ass off!  However, this isn't merely about dancing: 
what I most want to embody is LOVE. 
So, here I go.

What's your Vision?

P.S.  Nietzsche also said that every philosopher should also want to bee a good dancer...

8: Sex Isn't Love & LOVE Isn't SEX

(Dance Break:
Cue Taylor Swift's "You Found Me" and prance around the living room with a 10- and 8-year-old.
"I knew you were trouble when you walked in...."
"TROUBLE
TROUBLE
TROUBLE.")

((Good thing I like TROUBLE.
And I always have.))

It was quite a past week.
Making out with two distinctly different individuals.
Actively talking about SEX and beeing in Lover-ship.
"What does it look like?"
And how do we redefine some of our most intimate relating-ships, especially in light of all of that has come before?

One person's pattern is to find himself sexually engaging with someone
and then falling into serial monogamy with her as a result.
From my vantage point, this doesn't seem to work.
The other person, also recently out of a long-term relationship,
is trying to create sexual connection with Others from her place of need and desire.
From my perspective, 'neediness' isn't a turn-on, either.

As O. and I have been feeling into, we're practicing healthy unattachment.
The obsessive compulsive thinking, the addiction to the buzzing energy brewing in our bellies, the desire for something more than this, the need to try and shape an outcome as well as the blatant expectations never seemed energetically sustainable. 
"What does this mean in regards to passion and beeing in love?" we inquire.  We Know Not. 

One thing we do know, though, is that this is about TANTRA -
it's about MAKING LOVE TO EVERY MOMENT. 
FLIRTING WITH POSSIBILITY. 
ALLOWING LIFE TO UNFOLD AS IT IS GOING TO
(regardless of any choices we *think* we are or are not making).


AND IT IS ABOUT WANTING TO BEE MET IN THIS LOCATION ~ FROM A PLACE OF LIGHT JOYFULLNESS WHERE WE RETURN, AGAIN AND AGAIN, NOT BECAUSE OF HEAVY OBLIGATION BUT BECAUSE WE ARE DEEPLY FED, NOURISHED AND SUSTAINED BY OUR SHARED EXPERIENCE.  (Even as the pain and suffering of LIFE rears its head, because it will.)

Today, K. typed me this: "By the way, I had a vision while brushing my teeth of being a bee visiting the nectar of lots of flowers.  I much prefer that lovely image for my current journey of sexual exploration."  And my response is that I would LOVE to bee your flower ~ any time.    

Post-Script: Sex isn't in our minds.  It's in our bodies.  The more you sensually connect to your sexual body and heart, the more you can let go of your mind-fucking.  You do not need another person to do this.  However, if you feel the need to explore sexually with others, then TRUST that you are always making the best choices for YOU.  I, personally, am still working on Conscious Conversation around this topic.  "Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!"

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

7: "Gone to Heaven"

                                                     Click for Mouse Medicine Reading

A mouse wandered into the apartment as though it is sacrificing itself for the greater good.
After all, this hOMe is also where a developing Corn Snake lives.  O. has been talking about how
she would like to soon feed Snakino live food, instead of the small, frozen mice that she buys by the dozen down at the pet store.  Then, a little, black field mouse ran in through the sliding glass door as we sat at the kitchen table sipping glasses of red wine while pontificating upon the meaning of life.  (What else is there to do?)

I am running on a deficit of REM Dreamtime sleep.  There is no fooling myself - without deep sleep I am of little use.  Just as "the great power and the great weakness" of Mouse Medicine tells, I have been mainly focusing on just two activities (writing and dancing) as a result.  Today, I was reflecting on snake medicine and how, after consuming an entire animal whole, the serpent needs to just bee - in one place with little movement - so that it can digest its meal. 

"What wisdom," I said to O.  In the process, I offer myself the same medicine - copious amounts of rest.  While browsing the web looking for shamanic images, I re-membered that the mouse is also prey of the wise Owl - every wild woman's totem animal.  I smirk at the blessing and the bounty ~ yet another gift from the Universe.  It always provides. 

It always provides.

The challenge is, however, how can you adjust your gaze? 

Turn off the television.  Unplug from the media. 
Quit looking at your mirror image and comparing yourself to anyone else. 
THERE IS NO ONE HERE BUT YOU. 
And, my, are you mighty!


There's also a tale here about murder.  It's a true story that I just heard about how One woman simply sought to express what was in her Heart.  She was a dance therapist and expressive artist in another state and we were connected by just one degree of separation.  However, another tried to keep her from sharing what her Soul longed to sing.  He tried to oppress, suppress and repress her with their marriage vows and his madness.  When she finally decided to walk out that open door and leave their Union, he took a gun to both her and him.  Now, they are no more. 

Let's leave unreal stories like these beehind and
co-create a hamonious tune of LOVE, Freedom and Letting Go ~ a legacy that we can all beelieve in. 

six: (wish) Fulfillment

 
Click for image link

So, we drive north with me beehind the wheel of her loud, white Bronco
and her draped in a sexy, pink pastel dress, a hand-me-down recently gifted to this hOMe ~
a magical container that supports and reveres the wild feminine. 

At our Encinitas dance studio, I sashay over to our community altar and pull a Ta'rot card - 9 of Cups, "Giving and Receiving."  "Give away all you have," it reads, "bee in flow with Universal abundance."  I chortle and leap away and into the arms of one of my favorite dance partners, in the process releasing the need for anyone else to experience where my dance has evolved to.  "This is it!" I feel, "and it's perfect." 

L. inquires as to where I am staying these days.  "With my Soul Family," I cheer in response, "in a divine space where our wild ways are allowed to just bee - where a 5-year-old's burps resonate, a gaggle of girls' farts waft, and booties and boobies get shaken and grabbed and there is no shaming, blaming or guilt."  Life with O. isn't just natural, it's been set in motion by a power far greater than us, as synchronicity keeps our galaxies in orbit around one another. 

While sitting at my park on Saturday and visiting with another femme fatale, O. drove around the circular path.  I just threw my arms up and surrendered to the Universe's wishes.  This week, she shared with me a feeling she holds about herself, "I am an element [of nature]."  The first time she said it, I simply agreed and nodded like a fool.  "YES!  You are," I responded.  The second time she said it, I had to tell her that just this past Sunday our Wizard had accused me of beeing the same.  "You're an element, Cara," he said.  "I am space dust," I replied.  "I didn't tell you this the first time you said it," I told her, "because I didn't want to make your story about me."  The thing is ~ this story is about US.  She knows this too, as I find my blog's window open on her smart phone.

We have each struggled with the culture of conditioning that has reared us to beelieve that we are crazy and lacking value.  Coming into alignment, we are re-discovering just how fulfilling and fulfilled our lives, right now, are.  "We don't have to go anywhere," we both agree.  "Not to Burning Man, or Whole Being Weekend, or ShaktiFest or other festivals.  Not on travels to exotic locales or trips to foreign destinations.  Right here, in the backyard, in a single strawberry stem, is all we need."  Meanwhile, abundance is showing up at the front door where bags of clothes, organic cupcakes, boxes of food and new life arrive without our having to do anything, or go anywhere.  Imagine that?

After writing my piece about the Desecration of the Wild Feminine, I realized that, if I really want to dream our collective Wild Masculine back into beeing, then I need to write him a prayer.  Soul Sister M. affirmed this on Saturday when we met in the park.  Thus, later that day, I wrote "him" a LOVE letter in my journal.  However, in the process, I recognized that like Miyazaki's protagonists, all of whom must move through the shedding process of releasing the past and what doesn't serve in order to invite in one's soul family, purpose and destiny, I also crave a man who is pure of heart - an embodiment of the marriage of our animal, wild nature with our divine, spiritual essence within. 

I finally dropped into some REM last night, and there "you" were.  In my dream, I was walking down neon-lit grocery store aisles while buying boxed food for a house that sits next to my old place in Clairemont.  I guess I was moving in there.  Children played a role in this dream, as did my ex who represents the wild masculine to me and "you" were there, too.  What do you represent to me - aside from vampiric energy?  Perhaps, it has to do with my discovery of crafting meaning from adversity as well as more clarity around my Spiritual path. 

There was also an element in my dream in which a professional was called in for setting mouse traps around a house.  Then, this morning, O. says, "We will have to set traps," for the little, black mouse that ran in through the sliding glass door the other day, and I am like, "OF COURSE WE DO."

5: "Getting Over It"

I dropped into Facebook today,
after giving myself a long weekend off.
It's an interesting place where fiction is reality
and where I can sometimes feel so bombarded by the online
community of faces, many of whom also greet my person in the real world.

With the advent of my menstrual cycle, I also found myself recently
talking and/or writing too much about others.  Case in point: the other
day, I was lamenting to O. about someone who pays "coaches" to tell her what to do, every step of the way.  As I questioned this person's complete lack of creativity and outside-the-box thinking, I then turned my finger around and pointed it right back at me.
"Who am I to bee judging anyone?" I openly asked, as I just laughed at the reflection in the mirror and the humor of all of it.  Ha ha hahahhaahahahahahahah.
And, this is the balancing point, right? 
Our judgments are natural for we are human AND there is information to bee gleaned from every experience, whether we live it directly or not.  We can allow ourselves to bee human and judgmental - there is no need to judge ourselves for judging.  Just let it bee.  This past weekend, however, I had direct experience with someone who was so utterly confused as to what he wants that each time I openly asked him, "What do you want?" he kept talking about his ex-girlfriend and what she wanted.  "Um, what do YOU want?" I kept countering.  I felt my frustration grow at his inability to answer such an easy question and I recognized my shadow as I felt my desire to change him and, thus, me.  Then, I realized that I can just accept each of us for where we are and let it go, in those moments.

In the morning, though, when I was walking along a southern California shoreline, I checked in with myself.  "What do you want, Cara?  What life are you creating for yourself?"  In response and as a solution, I commited myself to a 70-day challenge.  For the next 70 days, I will take active steps towards creating that which I want for myself.  In order to do this, I need two things:
I need to know what I want and I need to have a vision for where I want to bee after those 70 days.
Are you ready?

I share here, and there, and everywhere - in words, in movement, in sound, in body - not as a means to hold tighter to the past but, rather, in hopes that, by sharing, I am releasing some of my personally stored trauma.  I also trust our collective experience.  We are not alone here.  We share all of it together.  My grief is your pain, and your joy is my celebration. 

I share so that we may collectively heal, grow and, hopefully, learn to not perpetuate the mistakes of our past.  This is my embodied example of "getting over it."  It is my hope that you do your work to find yours.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

page 4: The Essence of All Sciences

                                                               (click for link)
 
"If you know the value of every article of merchandise,
but don't know the value of your own soul,
it will have all been pointless.
You have come to know the fortunate and inauspicious stars,
but you don't know whether you yourself are fortunate or unlucky.
This, this is the essence of all sciences,
that you should know who you will be,
when the Day of Reckoning arrives." 
~~~Rumi, Mathnawi III, 2652-54

It's a small, pocket-sized book on a white countertop in her City Heights' kitchen.
I pick it up, while she is off turning raw food into a dessert and her three golden children
watch children's anime - a Manga cartoon about a girl vampire - upstairs.

My left hand flips it open after typing words, only hours previously,
as to how worth and value can only bee defined by One's Self.

I am still tired.

My mind has an addiction to an idea.  It's a story that I need deep, dark, REM time
every night, or else I am energetically unsustainable.  This tale, however, does not really serve my highest good.  Can I transend it?  Shall I try?  Or, shall I simply bend to the belief system that I am a human body in motion and need a full 'recharge'?  If I don't, are my actions only serving to make me more machine-like?  We shall see what life brings.

"It's Tantra," she says, after I silently watch her from beehind the screen door.  Bending down on a dusk-lit sidewalk, she greets the neighborhood cat with a "Meow" of her own. 

"Presence.  Making LOVE in every moment.  Flirting with each opportunity." 
 
THIS IS IT! 

And, we sink into our shared knowing that there is nothing to bee missed, that this is absolutely enough and that it's perfect. 
 
Change is inevitable and evolution is ongoing.
 
The Mystery remains and cannot bee defined.

WE LIVE IN OUR BODIES,
we connect with our heArts.
WE DANCE.
ON AND ON AND ON!

(Click Here for a Little "Gift" - "The Secrets to a Fulfilling Life")

page 3 ~ I Want to Hear You Roar

Exhaustion.
Depletion.
Anger.
Frustration.
Sadness.
Usually = Pre-Menstrual.
Oh, to bee of the Feminine Persuasion.
So, my blood flows red,
and I re-member ~
This is all par for course.
A cyclical change that all EarthBodies
flow through.
Again, the question comes down to:
"How can I just let myself bee in the process?"

The thoughts and feelings that once took hold in my gut
no longer have the traction they once did.
There's a healthy detachment here.  And that unruly ego, the One that once caused so much self-imposed suffering, is noticeably absent.  It still protects and defends with its potent doses of fear.  What it no longer does, however, is to respond defensively when life simply unfolds.
Because Life Simply Unfolds.
As the triggers arise - since I am human and they do - I recognize them for what they are; merely 'information' to help me gain deeper clarity on what I both do and do not want. 

Along this path, I am learning how to accept myself exactly as I am and, thus, offer this same acceptance to others.  "I don't need to change myself to beecome 'better,'" is how my mantra goes.  I don't need any more or any less of any one thing, or person.  I am perfect now, exactly as I am (which is always imperfect).

In my early twenties, I had to strip away all that is associated with the socialized feminine in order to reclaim the power I had so easily given away.  A woman's worth is not defined by the male gaze.  I shaved my head; refused to shave and layered myself in clothes and fat.  Who am I is for to me to define - not you, nor your media. 

Today, I am once again stripping away the layers - taking off the clothes, exposing more flesh, willing to bee seen in all of my Feminine glory.  You are welcome to throw roses, or tomatoes - in fact, I expect nothing less and nothing more.  The only difference now is that I am releasing any notions of good or bad, right or wrong, positive or negative.  Instead, I am embodying my truth.

Raised and reared in a culture that idolizes abundance, yet perpetuates a premise of lack, the feelings and sense of scarcity are the one true, abundance that we all share.  It's what makes our anger collective.  I am simply willing to bee radically honest here.  Look around you with unclouded eyes, my friend - heart disease; gun violence; depression and anxiety; the breakdown of community; the rise of isolation; the false beelief that consumption equals connection; all of these are by-products of our madness. 

Anger is and can bee a catalyzing force, so long as you allow yourself to wake up from the stupor - from the childish desire for everything to bee okay; from your unwillingness to bee in your discomfort; to stand firm in your truth even as the world quakes around you; to bee judged and spit upon and laughed at and painted a black sheep.  We are all lions in sheep's clothing.  I want to hear you roar.

My roar is deep and guttural.  It's located in an inner knowing that my value and my worth can not be dictated by any one or any thing outside of me.  My value is found in how much I can give, in every given moment - how open can I rip my heart?  How much blood, sweat and tears, can I leave beehind?  Offering it all without fear of what is to come or what I will receive in return and, instead, with the deep satisfication that I gave my all.  I GIVE MY ALL.  No one can give me that, or take it away.  This is true abundance and it is prosperity.  All the rest is fabrication. 
Enlightenment beegins here. 





Monday, August 12, 2013

page 2.

(As I sat down, here in front of the computer,
at O.'s City Heights pad, I felt into the complete exhaustion of my muscles.
"I am spent," is how it feels
and how it sounded like was a long, string of laughter -
"Ha ha ha ha ha hah hahahahahahahahahahaha."
After all, how else can I show my gratitude for hours spent:
giving it all away on a dance floor;
running short sprints along a southern California shoreline, chasing after a Smash-ball;
and walking forty-plus blocks though the city of San Diego,
especially after the little amount of sleep I've been able to derive from the three, distinctly different houses I slept at this weekend?)

Today, as I traveled south on the Coaster and hiked through the city,
I reflected on one of my newest LOVEs ~
the work of Japanese film maker and master story-teller, Hayao Miyazaki.
I have greedily sucked up the sweet nectar of some of his children's tales this summer,
including "Spirited Away," "Howl's Moving Castle," and "Princess Mononoke."
All deep, complex stories that pay testament and homage to the human Spirit and journey.

"Princess Mononoke" is a wild-maiden raised by a pack of white wolves in Muromachi period, 1337-1573, Japan.  She hates humankind for how it is desecrating the Earth, trees, forests and other animals.  She sucks the blood out of her Wolf mother's wounds and spits it on the ground at the male protoganist, Ashitaka's feet, and I'm like,
"Hey! 
There I am!"  ; )


Ashitaka is a loyal warrior who protects his people from the attack of a "demon" - an animal corrupted by greed - and sets off on his Hero's Journey after his clash with the beast leaves him physically marked.  "Cursed," his village's Medicine Woman calls it, and then tells him that he may, however, bee able to cure himself in the lands to the West. 

Along his spiritual quest, Ashitaka meets Eboshi, the Queen of the prosperous Irontown, a femme fatale who employs her country's most vulnerable people, including prostitutes and lepers, instilling in them a sense of self-respect and dignity, even as they suck the Earth's resources out of its belly and generate industry by manufacturing weapons. 

It's a wild ride and at the end of this tale I found my BodyMind craving a clear-cut ending in which the delineation between good and evil is obvious, "truth" wins and boy and girl end up in LOVE and happy, together forever. 

It's Not Like That Though.

And, "ME?" 
Well, today, I honored that my inner Princess Mononoke is still at war with my inner Queen Eboshi.  A battle of warrior wills and ways,
these two are FIERCE.  RARRRRRRRRRR.

Thus, I now invite my inner Ashitaka back to:
connect these two warring factions;
bee the LOVE thread between my wild nature and my feminine desire to provide;

and bee the fulcrum - the balancing point between these two poles -
a unifying force.
 



enlightenment, page by page.

I've been missing in action.
(If you haven't noticed.)
And, as I return to this blogsphere,
I notice someone is here,
reading
ME -
or, at least, some words I once typed,
that come from the past, present and future,
and that are our collective experience.
However, this ME "I" speak of, is merely a human
beeing having a Spiritual experience.  ; )
[Nonetheless, thank you for your reading - especially the posts "you" chose. 
"John," "Bite is a Four-Letter Word," and "Now You Know Why I Write About LOVE," are all super power~full, beeutyfull & LOVE filled.  "Your" reading these offers "me" an opportunity to glimpse my writing from "new" and/or another's eyes.  I 'like' what I see ~ I see my worth.  I taste my value. I like "ME."] 
Anyways, I've been away from virtual land because
I needed to check in with myself.

1.) Why do I write here, on this public forum? 


Lately, I've been feeling a 'responsibility' to and for some perceived 'audience.'  Yet, the only person I am responsible to and for is "ME." 
(Which is "You," as evidenced above, & thus setsthis whole paradoxical, never-ending, cyclical conversation/dance back in motion, over and over again.)
{By the way, after living with chickens for the past year and actively tending to their daily well-being, I now beelieve that the chicken came first. ;)  }

{{Wait!!!!!!  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"I"
take that back.

It's a DANCE - the ever-evolving form tumbling in, around and without the shell/seed/container it develops within and from.


HMMMM..... SEXY.
Masculine & Feminine.
Dark and Light.
Black and White.
(Life Lived on Planet Earth.)


(Ai!!!!!!
Why do I have to bee a philosopher?
Why can't I bee like everyone else....




and talk about people,
not ideas?)
}}

Friday, August 9, 2013

Flying into the Flames of TRUE LOVE

My father turned 80 yesterday.
That's quite a milestone.
Last year, when I was recuperating from my snakebite at my parent's North County home,
my vulnerability rendered me 'weak' and, thus, easy for attack.  When the moments afforded it, both of my parents were sure to take their invisible strikes, 

"You're 35," they both said at different times,
"what do you have to show for your life?" 
With my Dad, I could respond compassionately authentic, "You have all this," I said, motioning with my arms around a two-story, suburban home with two cars in the garage and all the modern trappings of 'success,' "are you happy?" I honestly inquired.  Unlike my mother, he doesn't live in denial or respond from his reactionary defenses, thus all he could do was to turn and walk away.

Forty plus years in a sex-less marriage filled with projection and rage; forty years at a purposeless job that paid the bills and had him traveling around the world, drinking and carousing with a fraternal order of insurance salesman yet absent from his growing family.  Today, he putters around the yard, tending to grass and flowers - very little that actually sustains life - while also hitting the golf course a couple of times a week.  It's all he's ever known.    

In many ways, I raised myself in the hills down the street from their house.  Running wild, I climbed over rocks, jumped over streams, swung from tire swings attached to giant Oaks, as I also came to know both Poison Oak and tick bites quite well.  By the time I was living on my own, I was continually giving stuff away as things merely feel like a ball and chain, keeping me weighted to one place.  I seek perpetual motion.  Stagnancy feels like death to me.  However, this action of mine merely served to trigger my mother's anger, since she was usually the one who paid for the day beds and the dressers, the clothes and the toys.  

All I have ever wanted to do is to simply follow my heart - by spending time with others, beeing in my body, playing, making art, living life to the fullest.  Life in the Prosperity Hive was exorbitant, yet worth it - we shared everything we had.  As a grown woman today, I acknowledge and honor that I am no victim here - I have chosen every step along the way so that I may bee here, now.  This includes my parents and blood family as well as all of the actions that have followed between now and then. 

This week, I am spent and taxed.  Choosing to constrict life around me even further inward, I again have downsized and am in transition.  I moved out of the Treehouse one month earlier than expected; "Get me outta here!" my Wild Feminine cried.  Where she will end up only time will tell.  She's sad and is experiencing the pain of the desecration of Sacred Life around her.  It hurts her to see her peers so easily sold into a way that is merely perpetuating a dystopic future.  So, she nurses her wounds in a bubble of Wild Feminine celebration with three little, golden girls and their powerful Mama ~  remembering the transformative power of story while recharging her Warrior ways. 

Intuitively, she understands that the illusion she has been living within is that she is power-less in the face of all this un-consciousness. 
I AM POWER~FULL Beeyond, 
AND SO ARE YOU.

What Vision Shall We Co-Create?
What World Shall We Build Toward?
ME? 
I am hedging my bets on HARMONY and am willing to fly right into the flames of TRUE LOVE for it. 

I sure hope you'll join me.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

The Desecration of the Wild Feminine


There's this trend, if you haven't noticed - a counter-cultural beelief that if we simply and solely focus only on the "positive," then all that doesn't serve our highest good will just naturally fall away and this rise in 'global consciousness' that we all purport to bee seeking will bee made manifest.  It's "Heaven on Earth," right?

The thing is, we've simultaneously bought into - hook, line and sinker - the technology that is fast-forwarding US into a sterile and robotic reality where it is hard to tell machines from humans and a desecrated planet smolders.  Yet, we buy, beg, borrow and steal, "Get me that iPhone!" we clamor.  Meanwhile, corporations have become beeings and they're monitoring our "information." 

"It's fine," I hear you say, "it makes me feel safe - the body scans and the Amber Alerts, the Travel Warnings and the NSA, are all for our 'protection.'I  also read today that record numbers of convicted sex offenders are being released on parole from California state prisons because of over-crowding and dwindling state cash.  Still,  those with the stench of MaryJane on their hands sit and wait.  Does this make you feel safe, too? 

Any which way we cut it, slice it or dice it, when there isn't enough nourishing food and clean water to go around, then even your neighbors beecome terrorists, suspect of taking your's and your family's basic neccessities.  You can't eat that plastic, dangling carrot of an iPhone, my friend.  Now, chew on that.

"Gotta have It!" we cry, as we chase after the fame and the glory, the money and the materials.  Look around you, friend.  Pay attention.  Wake up.  There is no intrinsic worth in any of this if we are not, first and foremost, valuing Source.  All we need we are given - its called air and water, fire and earth.  It's in the elements and it comes to US free of charge.  

We love "IT" so much that we clear cut it, haul it away, suck it up, transform it into 'raw materials' and still, somehow, beelieve that is has no value.  The Amazon and the Arctic Ice Caps, the Polar Bears and the HoneyBees.  All here, doing what they need to do but they matter little because "they don't make any money."  (Kind of like Me.)  Thus, they have no voice and are treated with violent disregard.   Uprooted, forced from their homes, killed, pillaged, disappearing and dying.  The Wild Feminine is Beeing Desecrated.

And, what of the Wild Masculine?  Well, he's been a dying breed for far too long now.  Chased off from the land of plenty, forced to assimilate to a way that he knows in his heart of hearts is not his truth, he is absent.  Distracted.  Discouraged.  Missing in Action.  Asleep.  

Hopefully, someday really soon (LIKE NOW, PLEASE!!!), he will awake.  And, re-member that we need his PROTECTION AND DEFENSE.  Without him, there is no conscious future of our Divinity dancing in these human forms on this planet Earth.  There is no tumbling grace of our human fraility with our God like mythologies, round and round and round again. There's only this - destruction and death, falseness and pretense.  There's no life - merely smoldering ashes and a tale of what once was.  (Please wake up.  I am begging you....because I am dying.)

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Tuesday, August 6, 2013

New Moon in Leo

Here us ROAR.
It's what we've been saying all along ~
that this energy source, this direct current of POWER from within, is exactly the same as the sun's light and the lion's roar.  All One.
And, we are each ALONE with our own inner knowing
that we are God and Goddess incarnate, walking along a planet Earth now, capable of creation, birth and new beginnings. 
We are designed to build new worlds.
What Universe are you crafting?

Four girls and two adults, we headed east yesterday, up to the mountains that, in a lot of ways, raised and reared me.  Cuyamaca is a divine hOMe where Oak scented breezes meet Pine Forests.  The girls dove and jumped into the frigid falls as I scrambled up rocks as well as downstream, gathering plastic bottles and other trash that humans have errantly left beehind.  In the all too recent past, I've strolled along beaches with loved Ones who found judging the antics of others - such as leaving junk strewn about - easy, yet the simple solution of bending down and tending to what must bee done somehow goes undone.  I am exhausted, yes, and I desire nothing more than to ACT, to DO and to OFFER SOLUTIONS. 

On our way out, my hands loaded with bags of trash, I slipped on the slick rock and slid face-first into a small pool.  Ooops!  And, how fun it is to bee human - to bump up against and slide into; to get hurt and fall down; to get back up and keep on going.  I wouldn't trade nothing for this journey, even as I just bee with the unknown and the uncertainty of what is to come.  My monkey mind keeps on churning, yet it's all just blither blather - there is no emotional traction for all of these thoughts that just keep on turning.  Today, I have harnessed the discipline to LET IT BEE.  No fighting against the tide ~ going with the flow.  Allowing what is.  Working with it,while willing to roll up my sleeves and get my hands dirty.

SOW THOSE NEW MOON SEEDS, MY FRIENDS. 

Astrological Notes by Patricia Liles (taken from www.thepowerpath.com)
New Moon
Sun and Moon in Leo ~ 14º
Tuesday, August 6, 2013 3:51 PM MDT
(9:51 PM Greenwich Mean Time)

With the Sun and Moon in Leo, 'Let Your Love Light Shine!' Leo gets its regal qualities from its ruler, the majestic Sun that sits at the center of our solar system. Revolving around the Sun, we receive our light, heat and energy from the source of all power just as the heart is the center of our bodies and is the gift giver of our essence. Now is the time to give your gifts of the heart, let them be seen, give your joy!

In other ages, the Sun traveled through the constellation Leo in these high summer months, and the sign took on the leonine qualities of supremacy, strength and full vitality. Here we have the development of the inner Will, determination, courage in combination with the heart to become more than our ordinary selves and achieve the nearly impossible. Leo is known for the ability to engage his bestial, animal instincts without the limitations of the reasoning mind. Great creativity is accessible through the heart when connected with our source. With Sun as royal ruler of this sign, we have the king, the leader; Leo is territorial, commanding the center/heart of their domain.

Treated well, respected, Leo shines, is generous, inclusive with the enthusiasm and flair of its burning fire element. The Sun gives 'the king of beasts' confidence, stamina and great vitality. But when slighted, disrespected or perceiving another as aggressing or invading personal territory, you may experience a swift, intense, instinctual and intuitive response that means to annihilate the source of the problem.

What we love about our Leo qualities (and we all have them expressed somewhere in our charts) are the full-bodied passion and love of the dramatic, trustworthiness, pride, decisive will and disciplined nature. This sign tends to be bold, sees the 'big picture', wants appreciation, will take on too much and doesn't mind the lime light. Leave the details and day-to-day affairs to the organized, efficient neighboring sign, Virgo. If you want to feel that warmhearted energy radiated in your direction, give Leo en(courage)ment and an outlet for their self expression and creative abilities.

At this New Moon, we still have strong influences from the outer planets operating. It's difficult to determine which will be the strongest influence. It's more about which frequency you focus your attention on, embody and draw to you. (Watch your spiritual hygiene here). A Grand Trine in water signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) is still operative, so you might be tuned into the intensification of your feeling nature experiencing the tidal ebb and flow between elation and doubt. Or maybe your frequency is more attuned to the on-going square of Pluto and Uranus that was stimulated last week by fast-moving Mars in Cancer, but now at New Moon and beyond is being hugely activated by Jupiter opposing Pluto and squaring Uranus.

August 7 is the first of three exact Jupiter oppositions to Pluto (also Jan 31 and April 20, 2014). Jupiter governs our core beliefs and desire to expand to new horizons, so we have already seen some of the outer manifestations in the news of what this activation can bring (demonstrations in Turkey, Egypt, Trayvon Martin, etc.) Maybe more personally it looks like someone unexpectedly leaving at your job creating momentary chaos (Uranus) but opening up an opportunity (Jupiter) for transformation (Pluto) of your entire project in a way you had never thought possible (Grand Trine through Jupiter) and creating exalted ways to work cooperatively. Or maybe it looks more like the woman in New York City Chinatown who sets off 21 bug bombs in her apartment and causes an explosion that collapses her building and injures 14 people*. You just can't know how these forces might manifest out there in the world!

Saturn is helping to stabilize this explosive, chaotic, transformative period by sextiling and being in mutual reception with Pluto. Saturn in Scorpio is helping us to stand in the face of the dark side of resistance to change that we experience all around us in governments, old competitive business practices, laws, and the voices in our own heads holding us back from a higher frequency, heart-centered existence. Don't match this resistance; it only feeds it. Just as you don't feed the tantrum of a two year old with attention, don't waste your energy in being in outrage to the old polarized, self-centered energies of the past. That energy is dying off. It's a huge change and an unbelievably powerful transformation we are now passing through related to the late 60's conjunction to Pluto and Uranus and the issues that surfaced then are again on the table – war, civil rights, feminism, environmental awareness....

Use this New Moon energy with Vesta (our inner sacred flame) exactly conjunct the Sun and the Moon and opposing Juno (committed relationship) to heed the voice within for time alone to hear your inner muses and at the same time, find the balance to tend your outer relationships that provide you with a manifestation of all that you love and value.
Leo's Moon is a time of high creativity and self expression from the heart. Celebrate and radiate your power and love as if you are the Sun itself!

Monday, August 5, 2013

SPENT

"5 of SWORDS
DEFEAT,"
the card reads.
And I surrender to what is.

Exhausted, emotionally and physically,
I've barely broken the tip of this geyser.

As cavernously empty as I feel, there is a lusciousness
here, too.  "I am not used to feeling this," my mind chews,
as I honor how vital change and diversity are.

And all the thoughts that are wanting to arise to try to make "sense" of this -
"He did that;" "She did this"; "I didn't do this;" "I should have said that;" etc etc -
don't add up. 
Rather, it's simply that I've been pushing pretty hard.
"JUST BEE."
I say it all the time.
I need to take my own Medicine.
I crawl into life with girls
and enjoy another evening (and morning!) watching
children's tales.
Every time, the poignant themes - of true love and loyalty,
of brotherhood and peace, of black sheeps churning the shit of conditioning and culture into nutritious soil, of outcasts reclaiming their rightful place, of humans remembering the
sacredness of all life and how, with every reflection our eyes take in, we see ourselves.  The question that always remains is:
HOW WOULD YOU BEEHAVE?
(How do you beehave?)

Yesterday, a sistar wanted to press her developing beelief about making different choices in order to produce an outcome, such as "Don't have sex with him - not after the 1st date, or the 2nd date or even the 3rd.  If you want a committed relationship, wait."
And, I'm like, "Wait, really?  Because I just want to give LOVE, no matter what, 'cuz who knows what is to come?"  Sex isn't LOVE just as LOVE isn't Sex.  It's a formality - a basic, human necessity that requires honest conversation.  Withholding something because One wants something else is a transaction."  Let's talk about SEX, baby!

Last night, it was the film "Spirited Away," in which Toshiro finds herself taken into an Underworld dominated by the evil witch UBaba where she has to save not just her parents, but the human race, from its own piggish ways and where she is divinely helped by the water spirit - and boy - Haku.  Their's is a LOVE story that transcends time - a tale in which a young maiden is forced to confront her fears and keep pushing the edges of her own courage in order to emerge back out into the light of day.

This morning, it was a Viking cartoon, "How to Train Your Dragon," in which the protaganist, and black sheep, Odin beefriends his culture's most feared enemy - the dragon - and, along the way, reminds his people of the life-saving traits of COMPASSION, LOVE and TRUE BRAVERY, even when his own father, the strongest warrior in the land, disowns him and works against him.

Then, there was "Azure et Asmar," a French Moroccan film, about two men - one Muslim and poor, the other white and rich - raised as brothers by a wet nurse from North Africa.  They share the same goal - to marry the Gin Fairy and free their people in the process.  Along the way, they are given the same love and resources to achieve their individual dream, yet along the risk-filled and dangerous path they learn the true meaning of LOVE by helping each other, being loyal to one another's well being, never leaving each other beehind and always putting the other first. 

These sweet films are ALL EMBODIED EXAMPLES OF LIVES WELL SPENT, as well as potent examples of SEX and its natural off spring ~ of Life Force in Action, of Co-Creation and Birth, of Channeling this most powerful energy in a specific direction for the benefit of ALL.



Sunday, August 4, 2013

GIVING IT ALL AWAY

Click for image site  
It's been a full-on week of GIVING IT ALL AWAY.
By that I mean that I finally labored over giving voice to this song in my heart - an egg that
has been in a gestation period deep inside of my gut for about two years now.
It's simply a concise proposal around regional sustainability for San Diego and, last week,
I dropped it - PA~DOW! - into the laps of a few locals.  "Here's my LOVE-Baby."  ; )

I've also physically done the same thing with someone whom I hardly know yet,
I  trust my intuition and the Universe.  Like so many of my lovers who have come before, my sweetness drips as I just offer and offer and offer LOVE.  (What else is there to do?)  And, I am doing it on dance floors all over the place - smearing my metaphorical blood, sweat and tears across wood paneling as I slide, glide and sashay from one moment into the next. 

Last night, my dancing feet led me to a popular, local macrobiotic and organic eatery where I again GAVE IT ALL AWAY, in terms of using my voice for facilitating connection between people who were once seemingly 'strangers.'  Then, within a just few, short beats of our collective pulse, we were laughing and playing, connecting and in-joying like long-lost friends.  Happy and smiling people, dropped into their hearts and bodies once more - experiencing a sense of beelonging and peace.


Reflecting on these choices of mine, observing how the energy I expend can, and can not, come back in my direction, and feeling utterly spent and exhausted, I questioned myself openly.  "Cara, are you valuing your worth?" I wondered.  Certainly, there is a world out here that speaks of VALUE and monetary worth and gain and sees life from a perspective of material resources in which the objectification of the Other is common place.  It's a rat's race in which some are held high above others, yet none really 'win.'  It's a sad and desolate place, where vacuous things take up way too much space as the invisible space around our hearts grows hard and withering.

And, the thing is, I don't want to pretend to bee someone else.  I don't want to strategically plan my moves to try and manipulate outcomes and force a way in certain directions.  I just want to bee me as authentically as I can.  Living from my heart burst wide open.  Trusting the direction that my feet plod.  Honoring the Universe and its master plan.  Understanding that my little mind can not conceive what is to come or the why's for what is, so just let it all bee.

Seeking nothing more than to OFFER EVERY LAST, DRIPPING TASTE of this SWEET, NUTRITIOUS HONEY from my Fiery Soul that Begs to bee Given, over and over again, and that wants/needs nothing in return but the pure, sweet pleasure of knowing that it has been given away - only to bee refilled - time after time again. 

I want to GIVE IT ALL AWAY because I don't know what the next moment will bring.  I seek nothing more than to die, utterly spent and absolutely squeezed of all of this RICH LOVE that beats beats beats in my Body Mind Heart Soul & Spirit.
  JOIN ME!!!!!

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Happy August ~ Now, Follow Through

SUMMER of LOVE 2013
There's still time left
To sow your seeds
those Dreams that Dance in your BodyMind
what Expression do they want in our World?

On Summer Solstice, my housemates and I hosted a party here at the Treehouse. 
It began early, for the family types, and I arrived later because
I had to witness Todo Mundo taking the main stage at the OB Street Fair.

It was a lovely evening and it wasn't quite as intentional as I like my events to bee.
One week later, I ended up again in the company of a sweet sistar who shared her sadness.
"I need SEX," she said, as I listened, dropping in with her, to empathize and to feel this collective wound that too often goes unanswered, together.

"What can we do in response to having our needs met?" I asked.
"What are our solutions?" 
"Let's have a conscious connection event with embodied conversation around the topic!"
I offered.   
"YES!"  
Let's talk about SEX, baby. 
I called her up a few times afterward, trying to co-create an event but she's a busy woman. 
So, I took matters into my own hands, and facilitated an evening of conscious connection with masks on and embodied conversation around removing our masks during our Mid-Summer Night's Dream party here last weekend. 

Meanwhile, she just showed up, met a new man here where they connected instantaneously and they were off.  Last night, she beamed with the absolute glow of satisfaction.  "Cara, it is everything I have been asking for - Depth.  Intimacy.  Honesty.  Vulnerability."  I cheered for her, feeling my own gratification at the power of intention setting and manifestation AND I also laughed at my Self.  "Damn!" I thought, "my shit is still burning up in the roaring flames of transformation!" as I continue to peel away all of my own extraneous layers and as the constriction of rebirth continues to tighten around me.

Nonetheless, I discover great comfort in reveling, second-hand, in her SUCCESS.  
I trust the Universe.  
Patience is a virtue.  
My time will come.  
And, so will yours.  

Set your intention(s).  
Beelieve in MAGIC.  
Bee Disciplined.  PLAY (A LOT!)  
And, Follow Through.  
The rest will bee, as we say, OUR STORY.  


THIS MONTH'S POWER PATH THEME IS "FOLLOW THROUGH."
Your Shamanic Medicine Reading for the Month of August Here.

Friday, August 2, 2013

Dragonfly Medicine

                                                  Click for Dragonfly Medicine Reading

Arriving into the park where Grandma sits, I laid my frustrated body down on the sun-warmed grass.
Melting into the late summer day, I released any tension that my still re-wiring process endeavors.
Looking up towards Grandma's 100+ year old branches, dozens of dragonflies floated on the afternoon breeze.  "So many dragonflies!" I exclaimed, gazing up and at the shimmering creatures.  "For two and a half years, this park and this tree have been the foundation of my personal practice and not once I have had this experience before," I think, as I also re-member a night from earlier this week when, laying on your bed, I looked at the two dragonfly sculptures you have affixed to your wall and said, "I didn't know you had those." 

Seemingly moments later, a truck that looks a lot like yours drives around the circular street, with two dogs in the back that also look coincidentally familiar.  And, I just laugh.  Oh Universe, you work in such mysterious ways.  I wander up to where you're throwing dog toys, my timidity mirrroring your own. Soon, my High Priestess O. strolls up, as well.  She's had a similar day, with the start of her menses and the stress of single parenthood.  "My mother's name is also O.," you say, as I just stare at you with a complete look of astonishment.  Oh Universe, I wish you could please speak to me directly instead of with all of these omens, signs and synchronicity!!!!!
 
"Dragonfly medicine is about the breaking of illusions, especially those illusions that prevent growth and maturity.  Dragonfly is the bringer of visions of power.  Flighty and carefree dragonflies symbolize whirlwind, swiftness and activity."

Spending the night wrapped tight within the magical comfort of girls, my feet follow the brood.  Eventually, we fall into our sisterhood.  "What is the illusion that we are suffering under and that we need to break?" I keep inquiring, as we sit face to face.  "What is the illusion?" I press. 

"As for "him," to me he represents the Wild Masculine.  Personally, it's a deep, psychic healing to offer him my Divine Feminine Love And, he is AFRAID.  He keeps telling me so, and I can feel it."  "So, what am I afraid of?  Why?  And, what is my fear keeping me from experiencing?"  We sat in comfortable repose, silently chewing on so much meaning. 

Eventually, we lay down together on your pull out bed.  Pleasantly surprised to find myself sinking into sleep, I've released the illusion that I am addicted to my own bed and pillow.  In the morning, before your 5-year-old crawls under the covers next to you, I DREAM AGAIN ABOUT A SNAKE.  This time, I grab it by the head and comfortably wield it as it stretches its jaw open and bares its sharp teeth.  I carry it a distance and place it in a bag, but my mother's appearance in my dream somehow makes me lose contact with the serpent and creates some confusion.  In waking time, however, it was only recently that I came to understand that my mother's rage was and is deeply tied to her absolute disconnect to her Wild Feminine.  And, all I can do is LISTEN AND WONDER.

  

Thursday, August 1, 2013

prolonging the MAGIC

 
Physically & emotionally exhausted,
I wanted to cry and scream my eyes out
like the almost-one-year-old whom I share a hOMe with is so good at doing.
Taking myself to bed, I rocked and held me,
getting those crying wheels churning, making the sounds,
praying for the fluid release.  It's a slow coming.

From every angle, I'm rippling across the edges.
There are even reflections here that I haven't even met in person yet.
"I need to meet with you," he says, "Bee careful around July 29-31st.
Your astrological chart is stormy.  Stay away from danger."

Well, the hurricane already hit home, I thought, as I contemplated his warning.
In the end, however, my choice is always the same 
to LIVE AS FULLY AS I CAN NOW ~ 
I'd rather die than not try.  
"No fear.  LOVE," I responded back.
"I need to meet with you," he asks.  "NEED?" I think - this just doesn't feel in alignment with my inner knowing.

And my phone is dead and outta batteries because you borrowed my cell phone charger and brought back the wrong one, even though you released your veiled wrath on me for doing the same thing to you.  I just laugh in response.  Ha, ha, ha.  What else is there to do?  

After spending another night together, I choose to linger in your bed - I know not why - and then your ex-girlfriend comes pounding on the front door, popping her head right in the bedroom window when her knock goes unanswered.  "What's your name?" she demands, as I lay there partially naked, smirking at all of this humor.  "Can you open the front door?" she asks.  "No," I say, "I am not interested in creating drama."  So, you go off to tend to your soap opera as I neatly remake your bed then stride back to my Treehouse.  And all I can do is to laugh in response.  Ha ha ha.  Oh Universe, you work in such mysterious ways! 

Currently, all this constriction and contraction is doing is making me turn inward, go deeper, show up and strike out for my passionate purpose.  If you want me to stop, your best bet is not to ignore me but to make it too easy.  Though, last night, as I lay in my California King, I smiled deeply and chuckled at the seeds I sowed this week.  "Ai," I thought to myself, "there's no backing down now, Cara," I thought, as a tingle of nervous energy swirled in my belly.  And, all I can do is laugh. 
"LET ME GO, LET ME GO.  LET ME GO And 
I
will
want
you..."