Monday, June 20, 2011

Notes from the Journal of a Crazy Woman, take II

So much synchronicity.... the old San Diego Yoga Loft

In the spring of 2010, I asked my lovely friend, Aravel, to paint a pair of wings on my back during a workshop I offered, called "Ritual and the Pursuit of Meaning."  In the old San Diego Yoga Loft, which is now the site of my own sustainable business and home, we painted our bodies and faces, we wrote and danced, we expressed and connected to the deep pits of our collective psyche.  After all, our sub-conscious is our collective conscious.  Hence, all of our actions have meaning.  We can begin tapping back into our embodied, ancient wisdom by asking ourselves simple questions for all of our actions, "Why am I doing this?  What is the larger meaning behind my sub-conscious desire?"  For example, now hanging over the door of the Prosperity Hive is a mask that I painted back in '05.  Using acrylic paint on an organic canvas of palmbark, I drew from the past by re-creating the Nunuma Hawk Mask, which was originally designed by the Nuna People of Burkina Faso.

I didn't know why I was doing what I did.  Although I "understood" my desire to use organic materials that were readily available and not store bought, I was mainly following intuition and instinct.  Now, six years later, I have come to believe that I am a descendant of the winged clan.  Ever since I was a little girl, my vibrant energy has always flown from space to space - from the playing field where I loved chasing balls or practicing my tumbling moves to the playground where I'd climb into imaginary worlds with my girlfriends or I'd swing across the monkey bars while competing with the boys.  I've always fluttered from flock to flock - fitting in everywhere while simultaneously belonging nowhere.  It used to be a lonely fate.  Now, I claim it as a vibrant destiny.  In Shamanic Medicine, Birds can represent "visionaries" in that they have the ability to "see" from a wider perspective.  Today, though, my left wing feels broken.  (Ironically, in the photo above, Aravel intuitively painted my left wing differently than my right.)  So, I've identified that I fear taking off and really soaring because I am afraid of leaving others behind.  It is extremely hard for me to let go but my inability to do so causes me pain.

Thus, finally...
Here are my notes from my morning stroll today in which I found myself pulled down to the Harbor.
"There's a stillness to this water, and to this me - now.  I accept.  I surrender.  I throw my arms up wide to the Universe and honor that I don't "know" what I'm doing, or where I'm going, or what the future will bring.  This is the REAL BEAUTY.  This is how I sink into my own Receptivity and Divine Feminine.  All I can do now is to offer my Love.  All I can do now is to offer my talents and gifts to the world out of service and with gratitude for all of the gifts and great abundance that I reside in, everyday.  All I can do now is to trust and have deep faith that the goodness I believe in and work toward - the goodness I AM - will be attracted to me, ten-fold.  This I DO and can know.  The rest is, as they say, "HERSTORY."

Lastly, two card readings from my beloved Osho Ta'rot deck which actively integrates symbolism and metaphor into my day to day:
The Knight of Rainbows Card, Master of the Physical - "Slowing Down" with one of my totem animals, the turtle, painted on the card.  It reads:
"..we carry our home wherever we go.  There is no need to hurry, no need to seek shelter elsewhere.  Even as we move into the depths of the emotional waters, we can remain self-contained and free from attachments... Rest in the fullness of who you are right now.  If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better.  Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is.  Savor this - come to rest and recognize that you are already home."

"Walking is Zen.  Sitting is Zen.  Watchfully, alert, joyously, unmotivated, centered, loving, flowing, one walks.  And the walking is sauntering.  Loving, alert, watchful one sits, unmotivated - not sitting for anything in particular, just enjoying how beautiful just sitting doing nothing is, how relaxing, how restful...Walking is Zen, sitting is Zen, talking or silent, moving, or unmoving, the essence is at ease.  The essence is at ease."

Also, the "Consciousness" card from the Ace of Clouds:
"..there is a crystal clarity available right now - detached, rooted in the deep stillness that lies at the core of your being.  There is no desire to understand from the perspective of the mind - the understanding you have now is existential, whole, in harmony with the pulse of life itself.  Accept this great gift and share it."

"We come from the unknown and we go on moving into the unknown.  We will come again; we have been here thousands of times, and we will be here thousands of times.  Our essential being is immortal but our body, our embodiment, is mortal.  Our frame in which we are, our houses, the body, the mind, they are made of material things.  They will get tired, they will get old, they will die.  But your consciousness is something beyond body and mind, something beyond everything; that no-mind is eternal.  It comes into expression, and goes again into the unknown.
This movement from the unknown to the known, and from the known to the unknown, continues for eternity, unless somebody becomes enlightened.  Then that is his last life; then this flower will not come back again.  This flower that has become aware of itself need not come back to life because life is nothing but a school in which to learn."




 

Notes from the Journal of a Crazy Woman, take I

In the past, we were burned...
"Gaileo's head was on the block
crime was looking up the truth
and as the bombshells of my daily fears explode
I tried to chase them to my youth.
Then you had to bring up reincarnation,
over a couple of beers the other night.
And now I 'm serving time for mistakes made by another in another lifetime.
How long 'till my Soul gets it right?
Will any human being ever reach that kinda light?
I call on the resting soul, Gaileo - King of Night Vision, King of Insight."

We'll begin with a preface, of sorts:
I believe in Energy.  As the Law of Thermodynamics states,
"Energy cannot be created or destroyed."  It only changes form - again, and again, and again and again.
Thus, the energy held in my container - in this body known now as "Cara" -
has made millions of trips around this planet.  Over all these millennium, it has endured, as well as suffered, much.  I also believe that energy is attracted and repelled by other energies, again and again and again and again.  Therefore, we find ourselves dancing with the same others, lifetime after lifetime.  

While sharing these ideas over an intimate dinner with my own mother, Carol Ann found the notion of "seeing" her now deceased parents someday again as extremely comforting.  I love my parents now, deeply.  However, I don't think I'm coming back around next time.  For it has taken me thirty-four years in this lifetime now to once again take many trips to hell and back and my Soul has finally said, "Enough."  

After thirty-four years, I am finally allowing my Self to show up in this here and now with the complete totality of my Full, Whole Be-ing - which is simultaneously flawed and perfect.  And, I believe this is why I am here, now.  Because as a human species we find ourselves in a great period of Change ~ we are transcending what it means to be HUMAN.  What I mean is that our humanity is deeply tied to this planet and as we evolve back toward our cosmic beginnings (i.e. a technological, robotic, machinated, and mechanical future) we also move away from this Earth and these EarthBodies.  As Ray Kurzweil writes, we are now upon the dawn of the "Spiritual Machine." 

We all feel this palpable shift.  From the literal ground shaking under our feet to the changing weather patterns and melting ice, life as we have known it is shifting.  And, for some reason, I was born into this lifetime now as an extremely passionate woman who is deeply in love with our humanity, with how we express ourselves in these containers, with our collective past, with where we've been as well as the stories for where we're going.  And, I guess I just want us all to celebrate this, now, because, I promise you, what's coming isn't what we've always known.  However, there isn't any reason to fear.  It just is - it just simply is.









Saturday, June 18, 2011

Words by Marianne Williamson & James Ray

Our Evolution is Multi-Dimensional
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."  --Marianne Williamson


The Science of Success: How to Attract Prosperity and Create Life Balance Through Proven Principles by James Ray
"The Power of Seven = The Power of YOU.
Remember that the good that you are seeking is also seeking you.  This is the Law of Vibration and Attraction.  Your clarity sets in motion a magnetic force, and attracts your vision to you.  This is the Power of Understanding.
Be constantly aware of your paradigm and be ready to shift it through the Power of Paradigms.  Imagine and program new, bigger and better paradigms as you go forward.  Pour in the powerful, clear water of new thought.  Use your Power of Vision to create clear, vivid pictures of what you want in life.
Nurture relationships through the Power of Partnerships.  Build deep relationships with people you aspire to become, people you admire, and people who will stretch you, believe in you, and help you grow.  Remember that winners don't compete; they create. 
Capitalize on the Power of Giving.  Winners always give ten times more value than what they ask for in return.  Create vacuums in your closet and your life that will attract the good you seek. 
Let the Power of Gratitude work for you.  What are you grateful for today?  You will attract more of whatever you appreciate.
And, finally, understand the Power of Accountability.  Take responsibility for your own life, your actions and your results.  Drive your own bus.  You always have a choice.
You have the power to create anything and everything you want.  Capture your God-given unlimited potential and follow your passion.
Harness your awesome power and make your life a masterpiece!"

Releasing & Letting Go ~ Surrendering & Receiving, take II


There's a pot of GOLD for ALL of US

"And you're not gonna hold me back, no,
'cuz I'm reaching for my dreams.
And, I'm not gonna hold you back, no,
'cuz you're reaching for your dreams.
And we're not gonna hold us back, no,
'cuz we're reaching for our dreams...
Reaching for you."  

The Universe Provides, Case in Point #2:
Like a restless leaf, he blows into the Hive.  Exuding excitement and brimming over with positive energy, he speaks words of business possibilities for classes and networking.
"What're you doing tonight?" he questions.  "In fact, there's a mixer down the street.  Wanna go?"
"No, I can't.  I'm attending a volunteer meeting for an organization that I've already spent the last few months volunteering with," I concede.
FAILURE TO LAUNCH, take II
"Wait," I'm coming back of my own accord quicker these days.  "Of course I'll go.  Duh."

I am, after all, a business woman who has rent to pay.  Nonetheless, I struggle to follow through on the small details that will net me an income.  I fear making money.  I have all these silly blocks about "Capitalism."  What is this?  Resolved to harness the power of this NOW, I follow through on a class for my Self taught by myself.

"What do I feel?" I inquire.
"Confused."  For I feel as though I don't feel anything.
"C'mon," I prod myself deeper.  "What do you feel, damn it."
And there I begin to notice a layer of black, smoldered ash.  It's relatively easy to pick through and rub beyond.  There's another layer, though, and this one is firmer, harder to puncture.  Yet, I am beginning to sense the pink, meaty pulse that lies within it.  "Ah," my breath catches.  "Here you are."  I look within and I see so much STRIVING.  Jumping into the bottom of the doggy-pile, I strive to grab at all of the goodies that have fallen out of the bottom of the piñata.  Physical by nature, I enjoy the competition of scraping for it, of feeling bodies piled on top of mine grabbing at the ground because I have already gathered a full-arm's share of short-term bliss.  After all, there's only so much of the little, hard candy to go around and I want to fight for my loot.

I dive deeper, beyond even this embodied memory, and I taste the feelings of 'inadequacy.'  Of "not enough" - not enough candy to satiate my belly and leave me feeling full.  Not enough piñatas to break and enjoy.  Not enough friends, like my two, older siblings, who I can discover at the bottom of the pile with me - nabbing our stash, like pirates at sea.  Not enough of this, now.  Not enough.  Not enough.  Not.  ENOUGH.


Summary of Key Astrological Points for Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse of Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The energies are strong for pushing for a new alignment.  Be still and receptive to a new alignment.  Find that still point of peace within you where nothing is happening.  Be with yourself and be in acceptance of whatever is happening out there in the world.

Deep core healings caused by our competitive, individualistic cultural practices can be released now.  This is the shift point we've been waiting for.  The masculine is reaching deep to heal its isolation from the feminine; and the feminine is releasing victimization and anger and surrendering to forgiveness for what has gone before.  (Remember, we all have both feminine and masculine energies within, regardless of our gender makeup.)

KEEP YOUR EYE ON WHERE YOU WANT TO GO, not where you've been.
Those courageous enough to engage in this sacred shift into balance are working not only for themselves but also for the entire collective.  WE ARE MOVING TOWARDS A WORLD OF CONNECTION AND COOPERATION.  WE ARE RELEASING A NEW CREATIVITY RECOGNIZING OUR CO-CREATION WITH SPIRIT.  


Be clear about your source of nourishment ~ honor and bless it daily.  

I DO.  I AM.  I BE.

"Wake up, people.  Your point of growth lies in being able to see and act on the truth ~ Irresponsibility for what is unfolding is no longer tolerable."
"Don't lose sight of your dreams and inspirations when things move through wobbly intensity.
Hold the line of sight for where you want your arrow to land, aim, let go and watch it SOAR."

Releasing & Letting Go ~ Surrendering & Receiving

Enjoy the view from the Prosperity Hive


Over the course of the now past POWER-FULL week, my own personal healing has been potently coinciding with cosmological happenings.  Months ago, while perched up in the nestling arms of Grandmother Magnolia, aka my private office, my woman Franny said, "Cara, I don't know anyone more in tune with the Universe than you."  Even then, I still wasn't "seeing" how connected I've become.  Now, it's not just signs and omens that light up my path every step of the way, but it's also the moon and the stars that are changing colors and shifting their own alignment while steadfastly encouraging me to do the same.

It began with White Buffalo Calf Woman singing peace into her own soul as she was rocked and held within the nurturing arms of community.  Only days later, however, the unwieldy Medusa threw her sinewy arms into the afternoon air and exclaimed, "I am Open!  I am Free!"  Fortunately, the wise words of the sage philosopher were quick to resonate.  "Contextualize your meaning," her disembodied voice came, floating out across the ether.  Medusa's licking locks were reigned in.  "What I mean is," White Buffalo Calf Woman smoothed over, "let's approach each moment OPEN to the POSSIBILITY of what may come - in REAL TIME."      

And the Universe provides ~ 
Case in Point, #1:
Self-deprecating and lacking confidence, he up-shifts into a moment of inspired charisma.
"Do you want to go out for dinner after this?"
"Ah, no," Medusa quickly chimes, "I have loads of work to do."
FAILURE TO LAUNCH #1.
"Wait," my own shifting alignment comes back into vision and White Buffalo Calf Woman again rides in to the rescue.
"I take that back.  Of course I want to go out to dinner with you."
Together, we share synchronicity and enjoyable moments over a dinner
of Parmigiana i Gelato.  "Do you like to play beach volleyball?" he inquires.
"Yes, I'll definitely play volleyball," I respond.

Meanwhile, Grandmother Magnolia bends under the weight of inquiring SoulSpirits; an orange orb hangs pregnant and full in a velvet sky; and resuscitating currents pump a charred heart.
Pa-dumph, pa-dumph, pa-dumph.
Days unfold and the wind carries our heroine along the breeze.
She plans to dance with her shadow, but sometimes what these moments really call for, now,
is for us to simply hold and support each other.  For us to rock each others bodies, held tight against an expansive womb in a fetal position while supported from behind. 
Mama Bear wraps her deep, warm arms protectively around her cubs and breathes deeply into their shivering beings.  In.  Out.  In.  Out.  Her wide ribcage expands and contracts.

Sometimes, all we need is to climb into a tree and to inhale fresh air.   Sometimes, all we need is to sleep through that mid-day clock in the sky, inhaling on osmosis The Science of Success as it lies open and flayed across our slumbering face.

Sometimes, all we need is to surrender to this - a quiet stillness that reverberates from the inside out.  And the knowing that this is it - nowhere to go, nothing to do, no one to be.  Just this.
(Can you live with this?)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

ECLIPSING POWER

The Moon is My Friend (photo by Kevin McIlwaine)

"All things come from the most high
Love is my religion and the reason why
My heart beats with blood in my veins
after all is left behind only Love remains.
Pranayama breathing in the light,
letting go into the flow, surrendering the fight.
Peace is in every step of the way
every sunrise is another blessed day.
Spiritual revolution, a humble solution,
waking up to living life like we're the evolution.
What the future holds, only time will tell,
be-ing here now we come to know us so well."  

These lyrics are from my new friend - although I haven't met her yet - Shylah's song,  "Om namah shivaya."  This ancient Hindu mantra translates into something like this: I bow to Shiva -  my inner True Self, and that which remains once all has been destroyed.  For, in the end, only LOVE remains ~ ONLY LOVE REMAINS.  

It's a POWER-FULL day for those of us who are paying attention.  A Full Lunar Eclipse is taking place at, roughly, 12:15pm on this Wednesday, June 15th, 2011.  Today's numbers have other significance in my own personal life, as well.  When I was coming of age and into this woman's body, back in 1991, my first boyfriend - a jock two years my senior - celebrated his birth on this day.  In high school, the signs of his being swallowed whole by our collective darkness were already showing.  Ten years later, he overdosed on heroin in his ramshackle apartment while living the lonely life of an Army reservist in Portland, Oregon.  Today marks a decade since his death and two decades since our dance was vibrating within the beautiful innocence of pure, young Love.  

This morning, one of my favorite baristas at Krakatoa up in Golden Hill claimed that it's a day made for the tweens who love their mini-series, "Twilight."  I chuckled at her early comedy and shared with her how I had awoken from a dream about vampires and werewolves just yesterday morning.  In my dream, I was steadfastly moving around my parent's North County home, where I boarded up the shutters and closed and locked the doors and windows to the impending darkness as well as to the vampires who lived across the street and the werewolves who would be sauntering down the backyard hill come twilight.  In my dream, my maternal instinct had me eager to protect the purity of a beautiful, young maiden as well as an infant, baby boy who had a mop of hair on his head and who was so peculiar looking that, at times, a few of us wondered if he had down syndrome.  (Upon this inquiry, I kept shrugging my shoulders, surrendering to the mystery and stating that "only time will tell.")     

Fortunately, my internal alarm clock went off, just as it always does, around 6am and I walked out of my cave and into the Hive, where my dear Soul-brother Samuel had spent the night.  We walked up that golden hill together and, after picking up my daily coffee ritual, climbed into the nurturing arms of Grandmother Magnolia.  Together, we spoke of many things - specifically, of both of our work with transformation and how to leverage collective transmutation.  "I don't know," I shrugged.  "But I'm willing to try and find out."  When I began to share with him the relevance of my morning's dream to my daily life, a Hummingbird flew right between us.  It paused and hovered there, a foot from my face, for many heartbeats.  All I could do was to laugh, and enjoy.  What else is there?   

My insightful Soul-brother, offered me these sage words.  "A vampire is just a character," he said, "that doesn't ever feel nourished.  Oft times, many who exhibit this characteristic in "real" life, suffered as infants from not being given the breast milk they were craving, when they craved it.  So, they move through life with an incessant desire to suck, suck, suck, but without the ability to ever feel satiated."  "What misery to never feel the fullness of contentment!" I cried.  "The hummingbird," Sam says, "can reflect this same behavior.  It moves from flower to flower, filling itself with sweet nectar, but unable to maintain satiation due to its perpetual motion and the incessant beating of its wings."  "Yes, and its medicine also represents JOY," another teacher, Amrita Joy Anada Ma, shared with me last night when I spoke of all of the signs and omens that are repeatedly smacking me in the face.  

"And you," Sam brings the conversation back around, full circle, as we sit perched in my favorite, personal "office."  "Your upright, erect posture is the exact complement to this characteristic, Cara.  You are so self-reliant because you've never felt supported.  Rather, you've always felt that you had to take it all on yourself.  I can do it myself has been your mantra for too long now."  So the question, oh Dear One, becomes, can we meet in the middle?  Can I melt into allowing my spine to soften and my body to be supported by others?  And, can you sink into experiencing satiation, into feeling full and nourished, complete and whole?  Indeed, only time will tell.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Arriving at the Door with a Switch in Hand

Windwalker Dorn, one of my many teachers
"Guided by instinct - intuition, don't think."   --Shylah Ray Sunshine
"Don't follow the Guru.  For you are the Guru."  --DJ Sharu




















      

 


Last weekend, while sitting at the feet of one of my many teachers (not because I am a follower, but because I believe in respect.  I demonstrate with my actions that I have much to learn even as I simultaneously embody that I am "perfect" just as I am, now), she spoke of her Shamanic path.  When she first began actively practicing her healing ways, one of her teachers showed up at her front door, slapping a wooden switch against the palm of his hand.  This Medicine Man had driven through torrential rains, all night long from North Carolina to Ohio, because he needed to teach Windwalker a lesson.  Although he had never visited her country home - hidden behind a mile of towering corn, off of a nondescript county-maintained road - he arrived with ease.  In trepidation, Windwalker opened her front door upon his menacing presence. 
"You cannot heal everyone," he pointedly instructed. 
"Do you hear me, Windwalker? 
You cannot help everyone." 
It was a timely message and one that needn't come with any more precision.  He made his point, left his mark and took his leave.  And, ever since, Windwalker has paid keen attention to where - and with whom - she invests her healing medicine.  For, in life, there are some people who's spirits have become so corroded by the dark that they simply want to take what we have to offer.  Like vampires lost in the shadows of the night, they suck all life force out of their host bodies in an attempt to maintain their own morbid realities.  Then, there are others who are simply not ready to heal, even as they pretend otherwise.  (Like hypochondriacs.)  Their words and actions give them away, however.  As Medicine People, we cannot force our ways upon these others, we can only make our offerings and leave the rest to the great river of time.  Today, I recognize the idealistic dreamer in me who still struggles to identify the dis-ease of the EGO as it runs amok amongst us mere mortals.  The purity of innocence that I revel within makes distinguishing "the good from the bad" relatively difficult.  Nonetheless, I trust my instinct and my intuition.  For there's nothing else to do.  Yes, I admit, there are many in my life whom I am hoping I can help to RE-FORM right along with my own transformation right now.  I have long given up on trying to reform my parents, however.  At almost seventy and seventy-eight years of age, they are stridently set in their ways.  Instead, I turn my attention toward my peers.  What else is there to do?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

White Buffalo Calf Woman

White Buffalo Calf Woman
Yesterday, a sister was quizzing me on my continued demonstrations of support for a friend within our community.  "I don't get what you see in him," she frustratingly reported.  "He is so fake."  "Ouch," I contracted in response.  "Many people point their fingers at me and question my authenticity.  When does the judgment cease?" I questioned.  "It must begun with us." 

Our shared truth is that we are all living, breathing human beings doing the best we can with what we have, now.  We are all conscious entities - any degree of separation that we believe exists between us is, quite simply, an illusion.  We are One.  All embodiments of Spirit and all descendants from the same Source.   


Last Sunday, the powerful words of the wise woman, Windwalker, rang in my BodyMind SoulSpritit as she recounted the tale of White Buffalo Calf Woman:

"Two tribes members were walking along a road on their reservation when, up ahead, they noticed a great plume of white smoke.  As they continued walking toward it, a woman, dressed from head to foot in white, leather regalia, emerged from the cloud and approached them.  The two men were shocked not merely by the apparition but by this woman's striking beauty. 
"I have come to speak with your Chief," White Buffalo Calf Woman spoke. 
"Take me to your tribe," she commanded. 
"You are so beautiful," one of the warriors emphatically cried, as he blinked his eyes in disbelief. 
"Do not lust for me," White Buffalo Calf Woman returned. 
"I have come to speak with your Chief." 
"But, I can't help myself," this same warrior stammered as he reached out with a trembling hand toward White Buffalo Calf Woman. 
"Do not lust for me!" she cried, as she lifted her arm in defense. 
Immediately upon touching White Buffalo Calf Woman, the warrior turned to dust and blew away in the desert wind.  His friend was left standing on the side of the road, his eyes wide and his jaw agape. 
"Do not lust for me," White Buffalo Calf Woman began again. 
"I see your power," the now lone warrior replied.  "I will take you to my tribe." 
Upon greeting the tribe, White Buffalo Calf Woman presented their Chief with the Peace Pipe.
"I have come to bring Peace to your region," she shared."

There's a song for "White Buffalo Calf Woman," too.  And I'd love to share it with you.  Maybe, you'll join us for the next Community Healing Circle and Potluck on Thursday, July 7th at 7pm here at the Hive and you'll sing a round...

Friday, June 10, 2011

Dear Brother...

"We Are Bound"
Dear Brother,

When I first came into this world, I looked up at you and called you 'Father.'  I hoped you'd protect me and I dreamed that you loved me, unconditionally.  But you were so wounded all you could do was to drown your sorrows in the bottom of a beer bottle and disappear when I needed you most.  Even still, I grew and I came to look out and up at you as my 'Big Brother.'  However, even then, you perpetuated the rage and the violence that had also been bestowed upon your pure, sweet innocence.  As my father and my brother, you struck me down.  You beat me.  You called me hurtful names.  You refused me your love and denied me your protection.  But, even in my hurting and my pain, I forgave you.

As a toddler, dear brother, you were my best friend.  Together, we'd expend our vibrant energy on playgrounds and in imaginary realms where a separation between us did not exist - where there was no 'other,' no he or she.  There was only 'We.'  In grade school, you became my boyfriend who sought the pleasure of passing me short notes and who desired nothing more but to kiss me on the cheek while we ducked under the table during earthquake drills.  Yet, as a teenager, when I finally offered you my virginity - that ripe cherry to be plucked straight from the vine - you took it with little regard for the depth of shared experience between us.  As my lover, you take from me just as you take from all the other women who march in front of your eyes, like an endless parade.  And, now, as my soul mate, I offer you my eternal affection but your distant gaze still wanders over the blossoming fields, searching - always searching - for that which is inside of you. 

Dear brother, I ask you now because I have seen your videos and I hear your words and I know you recognize where we are today, in space and time, standing upon a great precipice of re-formation.  You also intuit how all of our ways that have come before do not serve us and you, too, seek change.  So, I ask you, dear brother, to go deeper.  I ask you now, brother, to please stop looking at me - at us, your dear sisters, mothers and daughters - as objects.  I ask you now to adjust your vision, for I address you now as an equal - as a partner in this shared mystery. 

Dear brother, I ask you now to notice when your eyes want to follow the line behind a woman's body or down the nape of her neck and to, instead, shift this energy.  I ask you now to be aware when divisive words like "pretty" or "unattractive" enter your BodyMind.  I'm not asking you to be God, dear brother.  I'm asking you to be HUMAN, to fully show up with your strength of spine, so that you may protect us - your women and children, your most vulnerable.  And, I am asking you now to show up with your feeling heart because the violence must end.  And true peace must begin with you.  It begins with you not allowing for the objectification of your women.  It begins with you saying "NO!" to the sale of women and girls worldwide.  It begins now by your choosing to feel with your heart, and not to merely see with your eyes. 

Dear brothers, I ask you now, in solidarity, to stand with us your dear sisters. 
For the time is truly NOW.

Please join us here in San Diego for tomorrow's SLUTWALK, when we "proudly take a stand against sexual violence and the bully tactics of victim blaming."  Click here for the Facebook invite.
Read more here about how "Slutwalks" have been sweeping the continent since April in response to a Toronto constable offering the following "advice" as rape prevention, "Avoid dressing like sluts."


Here in San Diego, there are other ways that you can help to support and heal the lives of women.   If you're a golfer, you can register for the 11th annual "Birdies and Butterflies" Golf Tournament on the Oak Glen Course at Sycuan.  Your tax deductible participation and sponsorship of the Birdies & Butterflies Annual Golf Tournament benefits Shakti Rising’s Education and Community Wellness Program.  Every year, ShaktiRising's education program offers over 1,000 hours of classes to women, schools, youth agencies and professionals throughout San Diego.  Their innovative classes and consulting services create profound transformation at an individual and community level.

You can also check out Jeans 4 Justice, a local non-profit organization dedicated to ending sexual violence through creative awareness campaigns and cutting-edge education programs.


And, know, WE LOVE YOU.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

On Signs, Omens & Synchronicity, take II

"Swooping Hawk: Great Spirit in the Sky," Rancho Cuyamaca State Park, '05



Dreams and intuition have been a vibrant part of my life since I was a girl.  Some would say that this is part of the feminine mystique but, as my ex-boyfriend demonstrated, our intuition is less about our gender and more about our connection to the Earth under our feet.  Yesterday, I was recalling a vivid re-occurring dream that visited my subconscious as a child.  It was an epic battle that took place between myself and the ocean.  In it, I would attempt to exit a Pacific shoreline as a surging tide kept trying to suck me out to sea.  With the shore at a steep incline, I would fight, tooth and nail, to end up, spent and exhausted, upon a sandy beach.  As I grew into adulthood, I recognized that the Ocean represents the Great Mother and I realized that the energy in this dream mimicked my energetic experiences caused by the drastic mood swings of my own mother.  One day, she was my best friend and then, the very next day, she could be my worst nightmare.  True to form, I chose both best friends and boyfriends whose lack of energetic sustainability mirrored this same pattern - pulling me in only to push me away, pulling me in pushing me away, pull and push, push and pull.  It's emotionally and physically exhausting.

And, yet, I've recently been writing of Bruce Lee's philosophy to "Be like Water."  (True to form, it was because my ex was such a huge Bruce Lee fan that I perused most of Bruce's chronicles and watched most of his films.)  Intuitively, I've been drawn to approach my developing movement modality, which I call "Primal Fluidity," with this in mind.  I have also been introduced to the transformational thought program of ShaktiRising, which holds this philosophy as elemental for our emotional bodies.  "Allow our emotions to flow into our hearts and out, like the tide," is what this non-profit organization, that empowers and heals the lives of women, teaches.  I have also been fortunate to be on the receiving end of the life-affirming work of Windwalker Dorn, a third-generation Cherokee woman and Clans Mother, who travels the North American continent "Healing the Waters" within as well as the waters without and who presented this work here at the Prosperity Hive.

So, last year, when I had finally sat long enough with the intention of listening to my heart, my heart finally began to speak.  It spoke of wanting to grow love, even is it felt deep sadness over consistently growing turbulence.  If I wanted to grow love, however, I had to first examine what my ripe and mature seeds were and, then, where I was planting these seeds.  I had to look at where I was investing my time, energy and resources and with who.  As I mapped out the garden of my Soul, it led to a painful recognition that I hadn't been planting my seeds in nutritious soil.  Naturally, I hadn't been growing anything but turmoil!  By continuing to listen and learning to respond from instinct and intuition, Shakti and myself were soon united on a path that combined our mutual passions.  The Prosperity Hive was a natural unfolding of us simply listening and then responding to synchronicity.

Last week while hiking up Cowles Mountain, a friend asked me why I used the metaphor of Bees in my current life's work.  Last spring, I was angrily stung by a bee in the face as I hiked up a Poway hill in pursuit of manifesting a piece of land in order to grow our regional sustainability work.  Later that fall, while standing with Shakti outside of her then Ocean Beach bungalow, a honeybee flew right between us, reminding me of a dream from the night before that had been filled with honeybees encircling my lower calves.  During last week's hike, a group of four of us arrived on the top of a Memorial Day mountain filled with hikers and holiday revelers.  While drinking water and talking, I looked to the east and saw a black cloud of honeybees headed in our direction.  "Shit," I said.  "Get down," I commanded as I took refuge behind a rock.  Everyone followed my directions and soon the swarm had passed overhead, headed toward the creation of its next Hive.

Yes, I don't "know" what any of it means.  But I do know that we are on the brink of Great Change.  And, I'm starting to recognize the signs and omens more quickly these days.  On Sunday, Windwalker spoke of markings on our human bodies and how they are signals from our past lives.  And I don't know what any of it means.  "I'm not gonna figure this out, I'm gonna relax into it.  I'm not gonna figure this out, by using my brain instead my heart."  

On Signs, Omens & Synchronicity, take I

"Swooping Hawk," 2005  acrylic on palmbark 

"I keep looking for the door, I keep looking for the key,
but the more I look the more it becomes a mystery.
I'm not gonna figure this out, I'm gonna relax into it
Let the spirit move through it, relax into it.
Spirit always knows, spirit always knows exactly which way to go.
I'm not gonna figure this out, by thinking too hard and using my brain instead of my heart."

In my earlier post, "On My Anger," my intention was not to glorify my rage - for all my anger has ever done was to wrap thick walls of defenses around this heart of mine.  Rather, I simply wanted to give honest voice to the layers of repressed e-motion that I am still continuing to unwind from my SoulSpirit.  This is what the powerful women whom I am honored to sit in circle with keep reminding me to do.  They encourage me to place my hand upon my heart and FEEL.  "What do you feel, Cara?" they inquire.  Beyond the prickly barbs of madness is a vulnerable sensitivity deeply tied to this EarthBody.    
Two years ago, when I finally committed to the fulfillment of my highest good - which is the path of all of our highest good - I spent a lot of time just sitting, offering myself to Spirit.  I didn't know what "to do" or where to go.  I only knew that what I had been doing for so long wasn't working.  So, I sat.  And I sat.  And I sat.  I remember witnessing the sun rising over the east on the dawn of 2010 as a pregnant, full moon simultaneously set over the waters in the west.  I recall sitting cross legged in the sand on these western shores and looking out on the horizon where the vision of a pod of dolphins breaking above the waters of the Pacific greeted my eyes.   I still didn't "know" what to do but, for once, I was trying to feel my way through.  And, damn it, if I couldn't feel, then I was just going to sit in once place until I could. 
Paolo Coelho, in his book The Alchemist, writes that once we have committed to our hero's journey we are treated to beginner's luck.  It is during this time when the signs of synchronicity - the signs and markers that always lay all around us so long as we are willing to listen - blink off and on, unmistakably, like the neon glow of a vacancy sign illuminating a hotel where a weary head can bed down for the night.  Of course, at some point, the luck wears off and the true testing begins.  In following our dreams and living our purpose, the Universe both conspires for us as well as tests our resolve and fortitude.  
Like me and like Coelho's main protagonist, Santiago, you too have a personal myth - one that you were born for.  It's called your Destiny and it awaits your heart-felt commitment.  Yes, you have chosen to come here, now, for a very distinct reason.  By fulfilling your one, true purpose you elevate not only yourself but all of humanity.  In his book, Coelho writes that this is the one, true path to God.  However, you must be willing to sacrifice all that you have been told is "right" and/or "successful."  You must be willing to endure the pain of criticism and the loneliness of isolation in order to grow into your path.  You must sit within the discomfort of "not knowing" because you cannot think your way though thisYou can only open up yourself to Spirit and allow yourself to once again Feel. 
 

Saturday, June 4, 2011

On My Anger

The African "Pumbu, Mask of Anger," from the Pende Peoples

"The pumbu mask is considered the most fearful and dangerous...it is used only by a few of the most powerful chiefs. It is formed as a half cylinder, with two enormous eyes projecting as tubes from the upper third of the face, with white rims signaling great anger. The lower two thirds of the mask are typically adorned with geometric patterns of black and white triangles...Pumbu serves as a symbol of the power of the chief, it dances only on rare and terrible occasions determined by divination, such as when the chief is seriously ill or when epidemics or famines rage, indicating that ancestors may be very unhappy...The threatening pumbu signifies the courage the chief must often summon to confront questions of life and death."  (www.forafricanart.com/Pende-Masks_ep_85-1.html)

I painted this rendition of the Pumbu mask in 2005 and presented it to my brother-in-law in honor of his 40th birthday.  My sister's husband is an ornery fellow who is quite honest and open about his mood swings.  I've always admired this trait in him.  It's not so much the moodiness that I am fond of, but the honesty and realness about it.  Others might be turned off by such forthrightness but I find it refreshing, as I'd rather know now what waters I am wading into rather than find myself shoulder-deep in a sea of unexpected rage.  

My painting of masks upon organic, palm bark was a pursuit that I eagerly took up for a couple of years.  At the time, my graduate school professors were encouraging me to dive deeper into the subconscious of my desires - but I wasn't ready to face such facts.  Now, I recognize that giving honest voice to my anger is what I must do in order to move forward.

Yes, I'm angry.
I know you intuit this. 
And, I realize that you might contract from my person as a result.  
Thus, I hope you'll hear me out.

I'm angry
that who I am is first relegated to a physical impression.
I'm angry that I bought into this as an impressionable young person
who sacrificed her personality for the gaze of others.
I'm angry that I can be judged not for the expansiveness of my spirit but for the width
of my ass and the depth of my cleavage.
I'm angry that I can't walk out the door without concern as to how I am
presenting myself - as either "looking to be raped" or appearing "unattractive."
I'm angry that I can't always move through the world without someone wanting to assert their sexual desires upon me.  "Do you want to find a room somewhere?"  
"No.  I just want to walk up the hill," I retort.

I'm angry
that my brothers and sisters are bedding down on these city streets, night after night -
without shelter over their heads and without the comfort of protection in their hearts.
I'm angry that the same man walks these same streets in socks and with his soles bleeding.  
He refuses my advances.  "Would you like some shoes?" I offer.  "No," he shakes his head.
"How about some food?"  
Only once has he caught me, mid-stride, when he wasn't distracted by the voices in his mind.  "Do you have something to eat?" he inquired.
I gave him what I had, but he refused the avocados.


I'm angry that we spill the blood of others in pursuit of material gain.  
I'm angry that we even consider materials as more important than each other.  
For god fucking sake, I need you.  
Your very essence feeds my being.  Don't you see?


I'm angry that the polar ice caps are melting and that, as a result, the Polar Bear population is dwindling.  I love polar bears.  There is just something so magnificent in their being.
I'm angry, yes.
And I can no longer deny it.  Why try?  You see right through my mask.  You intuit my pain.
My anger is millennium-old.  It dates back past the fighting Irish and beyond the movement of my fleeing people from Northern Africa. 
It's timeless.  And I'm so tired of trying to pretend its not there and that all is honky-dory.
Because it's not.  As one of my favorite ShaktiRising women said, "This world is fucked up."  
Yes, and it's so beautiful too.
Thus, even in my anger, there's beauty.

I once mainly operated from this place of anger and all it got me was a mountain of bills and my back pressed into an isolating corner.  Then, two, short years ago, I finally decided to choose my highest good.  So, I opened up and walked through an alternative door.  
(Paolo Coelho, in his The Alchemist, would call this my "hero's journey.")
Finally, I decided that, even though darkness exists, I was going to choose to build towards the light.  
What else could I do?

So, if you judge me for my anger - c'est la vie.
But, more than anything, I hope you'll judge me for my actions.