True Beeauty

"You're so independent," he says,
when I tell him that I've experienced new clarity
after sitting with a few images of my own unattractive reflection this weekend.

The thing about BEEAUTY is that it comes from within ~ 
how much authentic joy and innocent relating One is actively cultivating can bee measured, not just in how One looks but 
in what One says and how One does.
I'll admit, when I am not physically dancing, it is hard for me to sow these imperative
life qualities.  Yet, I trust it all - there is  a reason why I have intentionally put myself here.

"My extreme independence has just been the opposite of co-dependence, though," I say to him in response.   "I'm working on INTERDEPENDENCE these days."

So, I borrow a sistar's currently unused vehicle to drop another sistar off at the train station.  In the act, she generously offers me the use of her furnished, beach-side apartment while she spends the next few months studying in northern California.  And, after many month's reprieve, my online stalker is back with a vengeance.  Hitting my email inbox up with a slew of hysterical rants, she tells me to "Eat your own shit, bitch!" - among other things - as a response, perhaps, to my last few blogposts. 

While taking this all in at E Street, a local cutie I met here a few years back, eyes me from across the cafe and wanders up.  "Hey, how ya doing?" he asks.  And, this time, instead of my usual, cryptic "I AM" response, I quickly reflect on it all and say, "I'm great!"  (Even in the midst of the loss of rhythm, the upheaval of transition, the gain of weight, the discomfort of change, and the acceptance of responsibility for the deep whole that I have put myself in and what I must do - "I am great!")

MESSY

"I read a blog post the other day," he said.  "It said,
"Date a woman who reads.  Better yet, date a woman who writes."  
We're charting new terrain here and it's strange beecause it is so damn unfamiliar. 
I told him that he should post to his Facebook wall that he has a 'problem.' 
"HELP!  My partner does not blame me for anything or project any negative emotions onto me.  
Help me!  I have no drama in my life!  What should I do?"  

It's unusual this living without the high and low of a passionate soap opera.  Gone is the codependency.  Here is the ease and grace of a natural flow.  And, what remains is the quiet, simple truth that anything I am seeking or looking for can not and never will bee located outside of myself.  Yet, sometimes, even that I want to deny and refuse.  The other day I grabbed him by the shirt collar, threatening, "I need you to make me whole!"  In response, we just laugh and laugh and laugh - like we do - in between and during all of our love making and life chasing.  There's nothing else to do.

The little girl, who spent years flailing her fists, gnashing her teeth and pushing others away, is now just a humorous archetype.  An inner compassionate mother and an inner protective father are now gently leading the way.  They enjoy her shit show when it comes up. "Oh, there you are," I hear them say inside of me as they patiently listen to her - how she hates everyone and wants to bee left alone.  Today, they know what's best for her highest good as they keep safely guiding her into the arms of a LOVE that doesn't hurt; LOVE that is trustworthy and reliable.  (Her own.)

Nonetheless, there is a messiness here.  It is discovered not in how we are treating each other but, rather, in the cleaning up of the huge mess left over from our past choices; willful and rebellious decisions that were made by our once orphaned inner child.  And it is painful to recognize how we have each not valued our own selves.  It hurts to experience the consequences of our actions.  Yet, we've given up the false illusion that we have to do it independently, and on our own.  Instead, we're re~discovering joy by rolling our fist sleeves up, standing side by side and digging in to the muck.  Together, we're celebrating INTERDEPENCE as we kiss and we hug and then dive right back in to the POOP.