I have spent most of my life abusing myself in a myriad of ways, which is pretty typical for survivors. I was abused as a child, therefore my cellular patterning thinks this is "normal" and that I even deserve such a thing. My self abuse is most obvious physically - I chew off my fingertips. Our fingers allow us to manipulate tools and handcraft our lives. I consume my ability to do so - to grab hold of my own reality and to construct it as I deem fit - and this has been a source of great suffering for too long now. I can also abuse myself with food. I shared w/ you on Sunday how I was recently emotionally eating again. This was how I gained weight in college - feeling bad, undeserving, scared, insecure and stuffing myself with heavy foods to physically mimic my emotional body.
I abuse myself by not showing up - to gymnastics, to dance, to friends, to work, to life. Again, there is this cellular patterning that is a "cyclo vicioso" (as Mario called it - a vicious circle). I perpetuate poor behaviors because I don't honor that I deserve to experience comfort and ease in most moments, especially in relations w/ others. So, I simply recreate the discomfort and dis-ease, over and over again.
The truth is, I have never really seen or heard my own self. For most of my life, my self-esteem has been barely there (even though my ego is huge) - which is part of this whole vicious circle. And, I have always sought validation in others' eyes. I thank goddess, now, everyday, for our dance community because it has given me so much insight into the true nature of my Being - which IS deserving, and beautiful, and giving, and imperfect, and lovely...
I now recognize that I can not expect others to respect me if I do not respect myself, first and foremost. Thus, I can forgive.. (I'm getting to it w/ some. W/ others, like my mother, it comes easier.) Nonetheless, all I have ever done is show up and offer to connect because, why else are we here? Yet, others judge me - not because what I do is wrong, but because I take a risk, continually. What risk is any of us taking by remaining in our own little bubbles?!? Time after time again, I have been openly rejected - in public, on the dance floor and in private. Heck, Suzie shared that she still judges me! And, guess what? I still don't judge her. I still keep offering - because this is LOVE & Compassion. Offering offering offering even when one is being consistently rejected and judged.
Nonetheless, I am done with accepting this behavior as though it is okay - because I deserve to speak up for myself. And I am tired of others trying to tell me that I need to work on x, y or z. Everyday, I awake grateful and happy, regardless of what came before. I sit, meditate, walk, serve, reflect, write, bow down in humility, maintain a clean space because cleaning is service. I smile, am happy, talk to strangers, spend time outside, sit in trees, admire nature's beauty and buy coffee. I give love to so many others - virtually via facebook, and in person, face to face, in real time. I get to know local baristas and I acknowledge my neighbors - even those who call these streets of San Diego home - by talking with them and sharing EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yes, I make mistakes. Yes, I am not perfect. Yes, I can work on many elements of being. Still, others point fingers at me, all too often, even as they move through the world exuding more of a "violent" buzz than I do. My "violence" is just more apparent because it is palpably felt when I share it. And, I am not afraid to expose it - it is something I openly share, like my love, because it makes me human. Deeply, irrevocably human.
The light and the shadow are one and the same. And, I am pure - I have simply been conditioned to behave and act otherwise. However, I also accept that this lifetime now is all about me undoing my karmic past lives. It is about me realinging this deep celluar patterning which goes beyond my parents and our culture, it is beyond my ancestral lineage, as it lays in our shared human DNA. "Not good enough," or so goes the refrain. "You are not good enough," it has harped throughout my BodyMind for eternity. Yes, now is the time for me, and for all of us, to get it "right" - to no longer choose the suffering and to, instead, honor that I deserve, WE DESERVE, all that I/we dream. Which for me, personally, has only and ever been LOVE (love love love love lovelovelovelovelove).
I deserve, I deserve, I deserve. And, so do you. We all deserve: to live in comfort and ease in most moments; to love; to experience; to Be.
So, finally, I SEE ME.
And, in the end, this is all that matters.
