Have I shared with you that I was raised by a bully?
In fact, I just now got off of the phone with her and it was, true to form, a hair raising experience.
Walking through South Park, into North Park and then over to City Heights - where I now
sit typing this - all the while engaging with my mother in honest, real dialogue over the telephone was quite a work-out. The thing about bullies is that allowing for their anger by simply embodying non-violence doesn't work. They just keep on raging - the lava spewing from their mouths, and sometimes bodies, and violently exploding all over everything in their near vicinity. Defending and protecting oneself is essential, otherwise one can get badly burned, or even die. I CHOOSE A LIFE LIVED TO THE FULLEST IN EVERY MOMENT and with the acknowledgment that death may come in the next moment but to hell if I am not going down in flames!!!!
Today, I rose to defend myself as I kept pushing for the metaphorical mirror to be reflected in her direction. "I've never been as rageful as you are!" she fumed. "Mother, do you notice how we began our conversation talking about how depressed, frustrated and unhappy you are and how, now, you are pointing your finger at me?" I asked. This was after I had steered the conversation away from the number one outlet for all of her blame and anger - my father. Forty plus years of the same song and dance and, still, the tune hasn't changed.
Growing up, I knew all too well the feelings of: my hair being pulled, my face being slapped, my naked ass and thighs being struck with a leather belt, and a bar of soap being dragged back and forth across my teeth. Yeah. Anger sucks. When I was old enough to start physically fighting back - because what person in their right mind would allow for such violence to continue to bee perpetuated against their own body? - my own father threatened to kick me out of the house. Yeah. Emotional abuse is the worst. It erodes all confidence and makes clarity in decision making murky, to say the least.
"You don't have a damn thing to show for your life!" she judged. "We don't share the same values," I told her. "I am surrounded by true wealth - by LOVE," I said. "It's all I have ever wanted and I am happy. Plus, you have all that you are accusing me of not having yet you are unhappy, so what's the deal?"
I was drenched in sweat as we rode a conversational wave that had a deafening pitch - one of which I'd really rather not enter into, yet there I was staying with it so that I could come back down and into LOVE once more. It's not fun nor something I enjoy doing but, as LIFE has taught me, I can choose short term discomfort in lieu of long-term suffering.
We are surrounded by bullies, my friends - many of whom are wolves in sheep's clothing. Yes, we can empathize with their pain and we can continue cultivating compassion for their sadness. Nonetheless, keep your senses attuned - for they are the ones who supposedly work against violence, yet who violently perpetuate that which they say they are against in a myriad of ways.
It looks like drones, "smart" bombs & weaponry of all kinds, etc. It looks like money being diverted to certain areas and not into others. It also looks like spreading gossip and talking negatively about others. Bullies ask much of others while giving little to nothing in return. They think only of themselves and their needs. Stay alert. Give LOVE. And CHALLENGE GROWTH AND TRUE TRANSFORMATION WHERE NEED BEE. It's the most courageous act you can commit.
