Eight years ago, I opened up my heart - just a wee bit - to allow someone in.
He was a strange reflection - with a lilting tongue, thick accent and dark brown skin. He came to America as an "undocumented" teenager, carving out a life and a lifestyle for himself with his own, two bare hands. He was a hustler, a true entrepreneur, who had been told by his own father, at the age of eight years old, that school wasn't a priority - money was.
Partnering with him meant that I was confronted with my own, ugly visage - at twenty-eight years of age, I was sorely lacking common sense. Outside the box, solution oriented thinking had been bred out of me. I was self-centered and sad. I had few friends and very little intimacy in my life. Although his tough exterior and even harder personality traits were painful blows to my already crumbling false sense of self, I attached myself to his person out of co-dependency and fear. And, I didn't let go - no matter how hard the Universe tried to shake me off.
This past weekend, however, I was filled with immense gratitude for my ex-boyfriend's role in my life. For four years, I studied under him - absorbing his intense awareness, soaking in his critical thinking, and integrating it all for myself. Today, I AM A WARRIOR QUEEN because of our Dance. The thing is, now I am perpetually confronted with past reflections of that old me and I am not quite sure how to proceed forward.
I especially see it with our men. Lacking presence and acute awareness as to what is happening in this moment now, they absent-mindedly pluck at the technology in their hands while making easy mistakes taking care of the small, must-do responsibilities of day-to-day life. Eight years ago, my ex-boyfriend's harsh responses to my soft incapability only added salt to my already wounded sense of self. I do not wish to perpetuate this pattern - as it was destructive and painful. However, serious kicks in the ass are needed.
WAKE UP!!!!!!! Damn it. Pay attention. Bee where you are. "Consciousness" is not just something that is sold or preached about. It is a way of beeing in the world and, unless you are embodying it, then you come across as a complete nincompoop! Plus, WE NEED YOU - strong, capable, on fire, and senses all attuned.
