than the one you took before...
because you're older now,
and you're smarter now
you're stronger now,
yeah.
The tree grows high
when the roots go deep,
your peace will come
but it won't come cheap
if you take this hand and
you play for keeps,
and you give a damn...
You've been hiding out
you've been holding back your love
I could teach you how
but you'd have to let me touch
and not run away
on the seventh day
though you feel afraid"
Sunday at the Park, and I invited C. in for conversation
around the recent dissolution of a relating-ship.
"Sounds like you're warring with yourself," he said.
Grrrrr...
"No, I'm not!" I immediately protested.
Ha!
This is why I call him, and many like him, "Brother."
Because they hold me accountable by applying a respectful dose of
'kick in the pants' when it's needed. M. did it last night.
"Bee gentle," he advised. "You're too hard on yourself."
How well they know me after years of relating.
O. and I have been talking about the illusions that keep each of us
un-present - the fantasy visions for how it will bee because it somehow
isn't absolutely perfect right now. And I have to admit to my own ambition,
to my artist's heart who needs to express and give birth to creation in this lifetime.
It keeps me a bit distant and certainly feeling like I can't commit to anything or
anyone but this... dream.
So, I pulled the "Authority" card from the Psychic Oracle Deck yesterday,
while enjoying a little potlucking and caravan-warming in Ocean Beach.
"You need to bee the father figure in your life," it read.
"How can I bee that which I have never known?" I asked KT this morning.
I guess, the thing is, that I miss you, Daddy - my defender who protected me from
abuse and neglect, the vicious claws and painful bites of the raging Feminine,
unbridled and chaotic. The provider who demonstrates by his actions the process
of alchemy - turning shit into gold - with passionate purpose.
So, here I go... to embody that which I have never known.
"The price you pay along the way
makes what you get more sweet..."
