DESTRUCTION & CREATION

"That was one of the most destructive experiences I have ever engaged in," I lamented to myself, as I sat transcribing my notes from bell's All About Love: New Visions.  However, in the next moment, I remembered how I had just shared with an unaware friend about the true power of Kali Ma - "we must make space, clear out and DESTROY what doesn't work in order for REBIRTH to happen," I said.  "There is nothing to fear."  It's a natural order of things - life, death, rebirth and around again.  (The slithering serpent reminds us.)  

I am listening to the Universe.  I don't have to know "Why."  And, I can endure pain.  After all, it's what my rattlesnake bite reminded me of; that, throughout time, initiation rites have been used as a reminder of the temporality of these human bodies and of how vital it is to our growth (and, perhaps, to our evolution) that we face our fears of experiencing pain.  Because a life lived without the physical turbulence of growth is a life lived with less LOVE. 

So, I meet up with my sweetest soul sistah, S.  She shares how one of her spiritual teachers has advised how important it is that we are engaging in our spiritual practice everyday - especially as the Mayan calendar continues its blessed countdown.  Although these long winter nights have me desiring to hibernate - it's my body's natural response to our planet's natural cycle - I moved myself over to our shared Encinitas dance space.

At Swami's Park on Sunday, N. showed up and greeted me with such dripping sweetness.  "It's all about PASSION, and the color Red, and the ROOT and our Feminine!" she excitedly said.  "YES!" I reflected, grinning from ear to ear like the Joker I am.  "Welcome, to the End of the World," I said, as I motioned to the grass where dozens of people were gathered.  She hugged me fiercely.  "It's okay.  It's not the end," she cooed into my ear.  I received her warm LOVE as I gazed upon the renewed way that has been long in the coming - pockets of people were sharing that grassy knoll where: a tree trunk has been carved into a Moai sculpture; San Diego's Spiritual Warrior Mitch Gerber leads weekly Falun Dafa practice; my community weekly sits and breaks bread in communion and conversation; men were strumming guitars and singing; young people were slacklining, as my girl Marie flows across the line like pure poetry in motion; and more.  We've been here - waiting for you all to join us.  Now, is the time.  The new world began long ago.  It's simply up to you to remember. 

SOFT & HARD, gentle & biting

Is all of my physical falling a repetition of the same message
I keep trying to knock into myself?
WAKE UP!
Or, is it also a metaphor for how I can and do take emotional risks, as well?
Because I'm still hurt from a recent encounter - one that I went into with my intuitive eyes wide open.
I figured he had a girlfriend (who he lives with), and that he was a tease. 
So, why did I still choose to engage?
With the advent of my cycle, I could have called the whole disastrous meeting off.  But, I didn't.
I wanted the opportunity for one-on-one time.
Why?
(I don't know.)

It's not very gentle of me - this behavior.  I get that.  And, I keep receiving the feedback from multiple mirrors around me that I need to soften.  "Soften more," they say.  Yet, I hear one of my best girlfriends and housemates say that I am the most considerate roommate she's ever had.   "I never hear you!" she cried in my bed late last night, as another one of our housemates clanked plates, creaked shelves, and made food in the downstairs kitchen. 

Learning how to be considerate of others and their needs was not an easy feat, however.  My ex knocked it into my being from the get go.  Being hard headed is a curse, because it seems to mean that one has to have experiences that are very HARD in order to grow.  Looking my sharp selfishness in the face hurt.  I really had no clue how unattractive my behavior was until my ex had the fortitude and the wherewithal to show me.
(Thank God.)

Yet, one thing I do know, is that I can feel my way forward based on the mirror reflections that come directly back to me from my most foundational root - my home.  And, as much as it hurts to feel the in-congruency between the perception of the outside world and the reality of my inner world, I guess I don't need the world to see my softness.  It's a space that is reserved for my most intimate of LOVEs.  I also had an experience this year getting to know someone who the outside world perceives and responds to as very gentle.  Yet, in intimacy, she was very critical and biting. 

Navigating the terrain of living in community isn't always a smooth ride.  Last night, I wandered down to the kitchen and played the role of mom - telling the kids downstairs to keep their noise to a minimum.  It's not a popular role to play, and c'est la vie.  I am also learning how to be even more discerning with who I invite in to our sacred Temple.  My roommates kept me in check for the past few months and last night I let someone in whom I have known for a very long time and, yet, who I have never really been interested in sharing more space and time with.  I didn't know why until last night when he nonchalantly shared that he would like to kill his ex-wife.  Now, today, I have to ask him to leave - violence is never a laughing matter.  It's not a joke, and it's certainly not sarcasm. 

Sometimes, I question if I have the capacity to gently communicate to others how destructive their behaviors are.  Most of the time, I don't know why I can't just be like everyone else and let it all just slide.  So, if it makes me HARD - my willingness to stand up and say "No!" then, so be it.   Yet, I 
know and trust that my soft sweetness will bee one of the hearts of many happy homes.