Is all of my physical falling a repetition of the same message
I keep trying to knock into myself?
WAKE UP!
Or, is it also a metaphor for how I can and do take emotional risks, as well?
Because I'm still hurt from a recent encounter - one that I went into with my intuitive eyes wide open.
I figured he had a girlfriend (who he lives with), and that he was a tease.
So, why did I still choose to engage?
With the advent of my cycle, I could have called the whole disastrous meeting off. But, I didn't.
I wanted the opportunity for one-on-one time.
Why?
(I don't know.)
It's not very gentle of me - this behavior. I get that. And, I keep receiving the feedback from multiple mirrors around me that I need to soften. "Soften more," they say. Yet, I hear one of my best girlfriends and housemates say that I am the most considerate roommate she's ever had. "I never hear you!" she cried in my bed late last night, as another one of our housemates clanked plates, creaked shelves, and made food in the downstairs kitchen.
Learning how to be considerate of others and their needs was not an easy feat, however. My ex knocked it into my being from the get go. Being hard headed is a curse, because it seems to mean that one has to have experiences that are very HARD in order to grow. Looking my sharp selfishness in the face hurt. I really had no clue how unattractive my behavior was until my ex had the fortitude and the wherewithal to show me.
(Thank God.)
Yet, one thing I do know, is that I can feel my way forward based on the mirror reflections that come directly back to me from my most foundational root - my home. And, as much as it hurts to feel the in-congruency between the perception of the outside world and the reality of my inner world, I guess I don't need the world to see my softness. It's a space that is reserved for my most intimate of LOVEs. I also had an experience this year getting to know someone who the outside world perceives and responds to as very gentle. Yet, in intimacy, she was very critical and biting.
Navigating the terrain of living in community isn't always a smooth ride. Last night, I wandered down to the kitchen and played the role of mom - telling the kids downstairs to keep their noise to a minimum. It's not a popular role to play, and c'est la vie. I am also learning how to be even more discerning with who I invite in to our sacred Temple. My roommates kept me in check for the past few months and last night I let someone in whom I have known for a very long time and, yet, who I have never really been interested in sharing more space and time with. I didn't know why until last night when he nonchalantly shared that he would like to kill his ex-wife. Now, today, I have to ask him to leave - violence is never a laughing matter. It's not a joke, and it's certainly not sarcasm.
Sometimes, I question if I have the capacity to gently communicate to others how destructive their behaviors are. Most of the time, I don't know why I can't just be like everyone else and let it all just slide. So, if it makes me HARD - my willingness to stand up and say "No!" then, so be it. Yet, I
know and trust that my soft sweetness will bee one of the hearts of many happy homes.
