"It you've got HATERS, then you're doing something right,"
screamed a young man's t-shirt yesterday. I smirked at the thought.
"Alright."
Obviously, I am a white woman born into privilege and luxury - how else can I explain the fortune of taking modeling classes as a girl? And, I was also born into a home filled with chaos as the turbulence of repressed e-motion reared its head like an explosive volcano - where the molten lava would end up was a daily, anxiety-ridden guessing game. What that meant for me, personally, was that I exited the womb with my fists up and swinging. And, I had to be that way to survive -
because I had big people around me who liked
to hit, pull, slap, beat and hurt. My temper was also trigger-like and, as a girl, I could be found flying off into fits of rage. I am no stranger to violence - I have been attacked and I have attacked. Although I prefer to live in harmony - as I know this vibration to be my Soul's truth - confrontation does not scare me, especially in a world so dangerously teetering out of balance.
When the stalking energy coming back in my direction was too intense, I reached out for support and temperature checks within my community. Only one person didn't return my call. I bumped into him the other day. "Why didn't you call me back?" I innocently inquired. "I was asking for help." He just stood there, and lied straight through his teeth, "I didn't get your voice mail." With him was a girl friend who just blankly looked on, allowing for his untruth. I noticed the yellow sallowness of the skin in his cheeks and how, since starting anti-depressants, he has lost a lot of muscle.
So, I've spent the past few weeks ruminating upon FEAR and it's role in my life. As my soul sister S. says, "You don't want to eliminate it, Cara." "You're right," I responded, "I'm just pruning it back." Fear, like dis-ease, is a bag that we all carry. My dis-ease is highly evident and I am willing to talk with you about it in person. I am not ashamed of being human - I want to work with my ugliness and shadows because we all have them. It is this "SHIT" that we churn into rich, nutritious fertilizer. One of my powerful brothers has a destructive addiction to pornography. He's open and honest about it and he even puts locks on his computer to protect his self. Like me, he's not perfect - he's simply a spiritual being having a human experience.
We all live in a time, now when there is no excuse to be merely perpetuating all of our dis-ease. At 5:30 am this morning, I received a text from a "stranger" offering to Skype with me. cuddly.squirter was the screen name and all I can think is how there are a multitude of opportunities for us to cuddle in real time with each other. If you are trolling the internet looking to fill your basic, primal desires, then step forward and fulfill your needs - no one will do it for you. Have courage - look for "Tantra" and/or "Polyamory" groups in your city. Chances are you will find cuddling groups there. Or, if you prefer to cuddle with other "Squirters" then, dear God, create your own group! It's what Craigslist and Meetup are for.
Whatever your kinky, little shadows are there are places for you with other human beings who will offer you what your Soul needs most - which is pure attention and simple affection. You do not have to be alone, hiding behind a computer screen. That's a choice - so, wake up! And, you just may want to scratch the surface of your addictions a little deeper - it's not about eliminating our destructive behaviors altogether. It's simply about looking at them with compassionate eyes, allowing for them and then actively choosing to focus on PRODUCTIVE, forward-moving actions.
