I am just like you. I hurt, and I know hurting - quite well.
Once upon time, I wanted nothing more
than to be able to reach out and touch.
I longed to open my arms up wide and embrace
you, to wrap my self around your warm body and
say, "I love you." But I held back. Fear had wrapped itself
around me like a blanket, covering my courage with layers
of internalized rejection and judgment. I was so afraid, especially after
all those years before when I was made to hurt - when another inflicted their
anger, violence and blame upon my sweet innocence. But every baby has to,
eventually, grow up. In my young adulthood, I rebelled - angry at all of US for this whole fucking mess of force and imbalance, of pain and trauma. Shaving off thick, dark curls from my wild head, my steely brown eyes bore down on all that doesn't work. A sharp gaze offering wider perspective yes, as well as creating more separation between - I compounded my suffering by continuing to withhold my LOVE. When all I have ever wanted is to open my arms up wide and embrace you, to wrap myself around your warm body and say, "I love you."
I danced myself into a corner - with abusive relationships where I felt I had to, once again, put up my fists and defend and with continued anxiety over debt and loans from graduate school and beyond. Th closing of a door - the end of relationships and the conclusion of time served, degrees conferred, cycles completed - offered a new beginning. One I didn't have to bang my head against any more. All I had to do was commit to showing up, week after week and year after year. In my presence, I found others just like me - anxious and nervous, hurting and scared, loving and profound, deep and critical, soft and confused, powerful and embracing. In their eyes, I danced with my own reflection - sometimes feeling annoyed, triggered, resentful, dismayed, judgmental and righteous. Yet, their gaze never changed. What does shift, however, is my own personal dance. All I have ever wanted is to open my arms up
wide and embrace you, to wrap myself around your warm body and say, "I
love you." So, the question becomes, do I continue to run away from what my heart has always singed for? Or, do I sink into the knowing that "THIS IS IT" - that all of these hugs and kisses, this attention and love, this affection and caring, this consideration and wondering, is it.
After all, there isn't any perfection to be found here - no sleek bodies, toned and tanned to magazine-standards; no immaculate
clothing, pressed to the edges of a Burberry catalog; no dozens of records recorded; no millions of dollars earned; no throngs of adoring fans waiting; no expensive gifts of metal and shine, sitting on a busy street corner; and no expansive temple dripping in gold and ringed with spires.
Can I forgive myself for my imperfections? For falling short of this success that I am taught to chase after? And, can I forgive you for not being the perfect reflection of it as well? Can I allow and receive your LOVE even though.......................................
"YES!"
from Osho Zen Tarot:
Ordinariness - Minor Arcana, 8 of Rainbows
"Sometimes it happens that you become one, in some rare moment. Watch the ocean, the tremendous wildness of it - and suddenly you forget your split, your schizophrenia; you relax. Or, moving in the Himalayas, seeing the virgin snow on the Himalayan peaks, suddenly a coolness surrounds you and you need not be false because there is no other human being to be false to. You fall together. Or, listening to beautiful music, you fall together. Whenever, in whatsoever situation, you become one, a peace, a happiness, a bliss surrounds you, arises in you. You feel fulfilled.
There is no need to wait for these moments - these moments can become your natural life. These extraordinary moments can become ordinary moments - that is the whole effort of Zen. You can live an extraordinary life: cutting wood, chopping wood, carrying water from the well, you can be tremendously at ease with yourself. Cleaning the floor, cooking food, washing the clothes, you can be perfectly at ease - because the whole question is of you doing your action totally, enjoying, delighting in it.
Beauty can be found in the simple, ordinary things in life. We so easily take this beautiful world we live in for granted. Cleaning the house, tending the garden, cooking a meal - the most mundane tasks take on a sacred quality when they are performed with your total involvement, with love, and for their own sake, without thought of recognition or reward. This easy, natural, and utterly ordinary approach to the situations you encounter will bring far better results than any attempt on your part to be brilliant, clever or otherwise extra-ordinary. Forget all about making headlines by inventing the latest widget, or dazzling your friends or colleagues with your unique star quality. The special gift you have to offer now is presented best by just taking things easily and simply, one step at a time."
