Last night, Carol Ann (aka my mother) and I were watching the finale of "Dancing with the Stars" when she said to me, "If I come back, I want to be a dancer or an ice skater in my next life." With an air of confidence, I responded, "Oh, you'll be back. And, I bet you'll be a dancer, too."
As a 24-year-old seeker, I could be found up New Zealand mountain passes and within its abundant hut system, reading one of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama's, books. At that time, I resisted a lot of his beliefs - specifically his ideas of how there are "lower" life forms in the path to Enlightenment. "Pbst!" I chided, "how can a worm by less than a dog and a dog less than a human?" Yet, as the days passed and those pesky sand flies kept biting at my soft flesh, I immediately recognized that my slapping them out of existence only served to seal their fate within the cycle of suffering.
Last year, with the birth of the Prosperity Hive, came the full acceptance of my Self as a human being. I finally allowed my self to just Bee - to make mistakes, to fall down, to unintentionally hurt & be hurt, to laugh uproariously and to cry unabashedly. I heard myself saying that I wasn't interested in transcending my humanity as I had just learned how to fully allow myself my fragility as well as my strength. But, then, came another conversation with my mother.
Over dinner, she asked me my thoughts regarding death and reincarnation, so I shared my developing belief system - ideas that are part Kundalini and part Buddhist in nature. Innocently, she inquired, "does that mean I will get to see my mommy and daddy again?" It was her desire for reunification that struck me while the feeling of "I'm not coming back" arose from deep within.
I've been saying for weeks now that if I want to evolve, I have to heal and my own personal healing has been at the forefront this week. After eight weeks, my snakebite looks great, so I finally went in to the dentist to deal with the breath of death that I've been walking around with for far too long now. One root canal later and I am tending to the remnants of the bad infection that developed as a result of my avoidance. Instead of rushing off to tend to others and their meetings and needs, I've been hearing myself say "No" this week as I've chosen to stay in and rest.
Of course, I needed some of my closest tribes members to reflect this lesson while within our dance community this past Sunday. Knowing exactly who my people are and where I can find them is the ground below my feet as I continue to propel myself forward in this 2012. While at Swami's park, Akaja had a Mayan prophecies book that can be used like an astrological reading. She helped me to identify my sign.
"Tzi, for law & authority; it's growth lay in eliminating authoritarianism and drastic actions as well as CULTIVATING LOVE. This energy is related to writing, particularly sacred writing. It is the symbol of great scribes. Famous people who were born under this sign are: Bob Marley, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Adolf Hitler (demonstrating the range of power, toward either the light or the dark), and JK Rowling. Those born under this sign tend to believe they are God (I was recently accused of a God complex so this made me chortle) and in their divine purpose."
So, I CRY.
I cry because my heart knows that I've been given all of this in this lifetime now so that I may EVOLVE. I cry because I'm not coming back and I won't experience these dances with our energies again. I cry because I don't know if my seed will procreate as human in this lifetime. I cry because as full and amazing as my life is - filled with so many beautiful, lovely souls - my belonging to everyone means that I belong to no one. Paradox hurts. I cry because my immortality is sealed even as I am given wings to lift off from this planet. I cry because letting go is hard, even as it is LOVE. I cry because I can, it's what being human affords me - an opportunity to FEEL all of this.
