I don't wanna hold your hand.
I don't want to affirm that I need you.
I wanna say, "Fu$k You!"
(and your untouchable face).
I want to hold tight to my pain and sadness.
I don't wanna forgive. I want to shove that mirror
away from my countenance and towards yours
and say, "UGLY!"
I don't want to bee the model.
I don't want to embody love and compassion.
I just want to hurt and allow these walls around my withering
heart to be re-built. I don't want to let you in - you who keeps taking,
who thinks not to ask "what can I do for you?" I don't want to be
a teacher anymore. I just want to crawl into the fake, black box
of "reality" and pretend that the pushing away is normal, that the fighting is okay
and that all of the unnecessary drama is simply par for course.
I'm tired of swimming upstream. I'm exhausted from so much giving -
from refusing to gossip and talk ill; from always choosing to see the positive
even when the shadows are too dark to ignore. I don't want to play with you any more.
And even as I type these words I know that I am lying.
