It sucks to lose.
However, perhaps losing doesn't need to bee as final as I initially imagined.
I thought I was going in to lose a tooth today, but my dear dentist has convinced
me that the cheapest way out isn't always the most sustainable. "Your back molar has a matching
top tooth," he told me. In other words, he implied, THEY NEED EACH OTHER.
So, I am finally surrendering to all of the consequences for my lack of action.
I am finally putting my hands up and giving up all of my avoidance - it doesn't seem to have done a damn, good thing for me anyways.
My defeat has been a deafening pitch over the past week. I felt it most poignantly while at a teen girl's empowerment workshop on Saturday morning. While there, the father of the program got up to speak about how he felt when he received the news that one of his two daughters had been killed in a bus accident while experiencing a year abroad in India. He said that he had no words and that he felt powerless. He said, "After all, dads are supposed to protect their daughters." It was these words that struck a chord within me. Tears wanted to pour forth, but I held them back. I was too cowardly to authentically share my voice, my truth and my vulnerability with that room of 100+ young girls and women.
I don't know how to express this raging sadness inside of me that is a result of how my own personal father, in this lifetime, couldn't and didn't protect me, as well as a response to how the Father has allowed for the raping and desecrating of the FEMININE, my female, my dear sisters, our Mother Earth, for too long now.
This weeping wound is a trigger just waiting to be pulled.
It is a well of bottomless proportions.
It is a pit of black sorrow.
How do I give words to such ancestral pain?
How do I speak that which is unfathomable?
How do I reconcile this split that is within me?
I do not know.
So, I failed miserably to really bee a role model. I struck out by not demonstrating how our individual, and collective, tears are not a show of weakness or a pity party. Rather, our strength lies in our vulnerability. Maybe someday, I'll win. Maybe, somehow, I will learn how to honestly show up...........
May it bee.
(and so it is.)
