It's a phrase I've come to delight in, more and more.
Each time I allow myself to engage in a dance with that abhorrent, ugly, monstrous other,
I remember - "Oh, that's me!" I am the devil, for I am just as capable of horrendous acts of unjust inhumanity as I am of reveling in the light of love, harmony, flow & Spirit. It's simply fear that tries to convince me otherwise. And, it's my fear that can keep me from integrating the dynamic continuum of my fluid existence into this lifetime, now. Usually, it's that I'm afraid I will get hurt.
Prior to March 28th, I probably cowered at the notion of being bitten by a rattlesnake. But, after all was said and done - the bite inflicted, my arrival into the emergency room as the venom coursed its way through my bloodstream and crawled its way toward my heart and as my left leg swelled into an enormous size while I sat through 6 days at Tri-City Medical Center - it really wasn't all that painful of an ordeal. And, now, I am so grateful for the experience. I wear my scar like an organic tattoo - it's a marker of my initiation as ordained by the Universe.
Today, however, I've been noticing an irrational fear of sharks swimming in my psyche whenever I take a refreshing dip in Mama Ocean. Sharks, unlike snakes, have danced throughout my subconscious, dream-state ever since I was a little girl. Perhaps, it's simply a by-product of being part fish/mermaid who grew up playing in the Pacific. I don't know, but I do know that my fear was alive and present when I was down swimming in the pitch black waters last Tuesday night. Even now, as I think about it, I begin to feel a gnawing pit of anxiety in my belly. My fear is real. The pain that I fear, however, is more than likely not.
It was roughly two years ago, when I first recognized my willingness to dance with the devil in terms of my intimacies with others. Swaying and gliding to the beat with those who think, feel and do as I do, is easy. Yet, what I've been discovering is that when I allow myself to move in time and space with another whose values and ethos do not mirror my own, I end up deeply moved by the experience. Yes, sometimes, I do get hurt, yet the lessons learned far outweigh any short-term pain I experience. And, in the end, I always come back to my personal intention: Self Growth & LOVE. Nothing else matters.
