"You must carry a chaos inside you to give birth to a shooting star."
--Nietzsche
i am containing "this."
what ever "this" is, i have been reigning it in.
i have been holding it closer to my chest.
winter solstice inspired such a pursuit.
no more giving my power away.
if i am going to sustain myself
then i must contain
the throbbing.
so, i bear witness
to its growing and building within my core.
i imagine it gaining pressure and vibrating,
slowly at first. like well water drops from out of a spigot.
i envision
nuclei flying, less with force and
more in grace and ease.
i am trying
to let go
of a desire to premeditate which nuclei will fuse.
i'm trying
to trust and allow
that a new element will form.
cracks pop up. fissure happens.
solar flares escape the surface
of my boiling, hot skin.
a creative fire
burns
and i leak less
of my potent energy.
no more offering my porcelain neck to the bloodsucking fangs
of vampirical others. no longer an outlet for another to simply
plug into and withdraw.
this energy is
power-ful.
and it is no longer to be given away
for free.
this current,
this pulse
costs.
