Sometimes, we don't know why we are doing what we are doing.
We simply feel compelled to act.
Oft times, I've found, that even in the midst of my forward movement,
my resistances and barriers - my ego's death grip - allow me but a slow crawl towards the change that my Spirit craves, yet my mind fears.
Personally, I'm a stubborn old mule with a very hard head - I guess I simply prefer to learn the hard way. Grrrr... as this is what accounts for the burgeoning head of gray hair that has continually been sprouting on my noggin over the course of the past 10 years. And, truth be told, I am done with this story - life is simple and enjoyable. Period.
I spent four years getting my butt kicked both in graduate school as well as by a powerful man. At that time, I couldn't listen, let alone follow the basic directions I was being given. "Just write," my graduate mentor would plead. "All you have to do is write, Cara." Instead, I ran off - to Kauai and NYC, to the mountains and elsewhere - and I avoided reality, either by over medicating on marijuana or with sleep. "Just write."
Another mantra from that time period was to "document, everything." "Just do it," our advisers begged.
As for my ex, his advice was less gentle and more brutal. "You've forgotten common sense, Cara," he'd complain. And, he was right - when I couldn't immediately find or do something, I would ask for help. "Figure it out yourself," he would say. "You were given a brain for a reason." It took four years of knocking my head against the same walls before I broke on through to the other side.
Sometimes, our training ground is what it is - we don't know why we feel compelled to stay in situations that aren't soft, yet we know there's a reason for all of it. Now, today, I say, "Thank God for it all."
