Am I scared?
You betcha.
And, I am breathing into my fear, honoring it as exactly that.
"Sure, take a seat," I say to it, motioning to an imaginary table filled with faces, food and sustenance.
"However, you do not run the show," I tell it.
"Your voice is merely one of many here."
I had been looking forward to riding my blue Elvis cruiser (what can I type? I got it for free!) down to yesterday's Little Italy Farmer's Mercato. In living with two farmers during the past summer season, Las Raices was inundated with fresh food from two, large CSA boxes a week. Thus, it had been awhile since I have had to make a grocery shopping trip to visit my favorite local family farmer's stands. Suffice it to type, I was excited for the adventure. (Again, what can I type? I'm a total dork.)
Somehow, I had managed to forget that, of course, I'd run into many of my people while there. From the street corners where musicians (aka my friends) were serenading the ambling crowds to hugging passers-by as well as sitting with a sister whom I had not played catch-up with since January. We sat together for a good hour plus - as I had to inform her of my initiation into snake medicine, and all that has come with it.
I rode home, the 22+ blocks back up that Golden Hill, vibrating on positive, radiant energy.
Just over three years ago, I dragged myself out of my stupor. At that time, I went to bed every night wishing for a different existence and, sometimes even, death. My soul felt vacant, as I stayed firm living in a relationship that was both abusive and did not feed my Spirit. (A split, bottom lip from an MMA-style kick to my face on the night before Thanksgiving in NYC? Yep. I know the inside of the Octagon...) Don't get me wrong - today, I love and appreciate my ex for all that he taught me. One of my past patterns, however, has been to stay far too long in situations that, as a result of my staying, caused me far greater suffering. So, at summer's end of 2009, I left my 4-year-old relationship, moved out of our home, finished graduate school and began actively applying language from Paolo Coelho's novel, the Alchemist, to my life. After thirty-three years of living in fear and trauma, I chose to believe in my destiny, in the path of the highest good for all and in all of the magic included there within.
And, now, today, I am surrounded by my Spiritual Soul Mates. I dance with us, often - in the studio, at bars and, even, in cafes. Without a doubt, I know that we have been brought together for a very specific purpose - I just don't know what that is. I simply have to TRUST that all is unfolding exactly as it is divinely meant to. This is the hardest part - letting go of trying to construct any meaning and simply letting the meaning construct itself. I'll let you know how it goes. ; )
