I spent the past week, uptight, and stiff as a nail.
I awoke, eager - as always - to enjoy my early bird practice;
of either a morning stroll, time spent in reflective writing, or both.
Yet, as the meandering morning turned into a short day, my joy would wear off
and i slowly succumbed to a growing petulance. The two others with whom i share intimate space would not be on the receiving end of love, affection,
touch or communication from me. Instead, i felt the piercing angles of resentment - discomfort, annoyance, aggravation, disgruntlement, ruffled and dismayed. i judged these others, for Be-ing: for making noise, for sharing space, for taking up room, for breathing.
One of my painful truths is that not only can i fall into this feeling-state, of resentment, but that i can also convince myself that it is normal, okay even, and that i can reside here - permanently. But, then, (THANK GOD FOR THEN), i am welcomed back, open-armed, into a community where i am encouraged to join a puddle of people oozing across a dance floor, when i am inspired to lift my voice and cry out, "Ommmmmmmmmm" and in which i re-member how to re-connect and feel. (YESsss, Thank Goddess for them!)
Due to the sweeping change and great transformation that is taking place both in my personal life as well as in the universal motion of life, my energetic body requires a current pulling in; a contraction and containment. In other words, as of late, i have not really been dancing, touching, loving, holding, caressing, talking, sharing or feeling myself, or others (at least not the 3x a week that i require). Allow me to demonstrate compassion for myself, however, by recognizing that my "resentment" arises not as a natural predisposition but, rather, as a direct consequence of not acting upon these, what i call, "biological necessities." (Again: touch/contact, communication, community and connection.)
i have been parched, to say the least. My spirit grows withered, and i suffer. In my psycho-somatic, physical body this symptom is made manifest and arises as a recurring ailment of dehydration, which leads to headaches and/or migraines. I am a thirsty camel in the desert, deprived of water for days on end. Slogging across shimmering oases, a dry tongue sits fat and heavy in my hot mouth. I envision reflecting glass pools of aquamarine, primal fluid. I see it in my mind's eye, i taste it in my constricting throat, yet i keep stumbling upon my own two feet - right, then left, always reaching out for that which i "need," which is, somehow, always outside of me.
hmmmmm....
