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| Two weeks of HEALing ~ I'm not quite walking yet, though |
In my recent post on how "HARD" is a 4-Letter Word, I concluded my written piece by inferring how I was at 'fault' for my run-in with the Cascabel. Blame can be such an imbalanced response, however. Especially when my intuition tells me that this experience has been, to the contrary, very prosperous. As Gina shared with me this past weekend, "You were bitten by a rattlesnake during the 2012 Mayan Year of the Snake." After she left, I eagerly began researching and was naturally led to so much symbolism and meaning, that I was overcome with e~motion. Tears welled up within me because I don't "know" or "understand" the "Why?" yet, I sense potency, alchemy and magic. The power of this now is overwhelming. Thus, I must give form to Quetzalcoatl's name, the feathered serpent God of the MesoAmericas, who was revered for his commitment to the Urban Center as an intersection of Civilization and Culture. (I already had two brothers in my life who believe themselves to be the incarnation of Quetzalcoatl in this lifetime and, then, the Universe struck me down in order to blend the blood of my bird ancestry with the medicine of an Earth dwelling reptile. "Thank you, I receive.")
This past weekend also brought with it the powerful April 2012 Spring Full Moon. Since I'm here and I promised that I would focus on my whole bee-ing healing, I integrated (the symbolism of) its medicine into my life. What follows is a deep insight that I was blessed with while laying in the bathtub on Sunday. It's lengthy, but please read it. It's for US ("IT'S FOR US" - Marlon?!?!?!) and as I posted that day, "I WON'T GIVE UP ON US," - and who we are is an ongoing dance of the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine flowing in harmony within each of these human containers.
The School of Shamanism offered an online full moon reflection, in which the following touched a chord deep within: "Chiron is opening wounds buried deep in the psyche offering an opportunity to clear anger and fear issues...This is the time to re-commit to our wholeness, to relationships that are equal and reciprocal and to a shared vision that is our point of growth...the feminine must first come into balance with itself and equally the masculine must come into healthy balance within itself before they can join and move into deep equality and cooperation we can feel."
So, I'm hurt - that's obvious - and I'm hurt because I'm so recklessly balanced within my imbalance. My imbalanced Divine Feminine teeters too far in the "GIVE, GIVE, GIVE" direction while my imbalanced Divine Masculine painfully pulls on the opposite side of the scale toward "TAKE, TAKE, TAKE." Two unhealthy by-products of our Divine imbalances are not showing up and too much allowing.
I'll even share more of my process so that you too can learn how to focus on the positive of healing & productive, forward movement while releasing playing the victim, by taking anything personally, as well as any feelings of shame, fault or guilt. In Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life, I looked up "why" my middle, right finger has a wart in the middle of it. Hay believes that "warts are tiny expressions of hate and a belief in ugliness" and that "our middle finger represents sex and anger."
I had to then look at why I am angry in regards to men and sex and, obviously, I can only look at my experiences. Which led me to ask myself, "Why do I, deep down, believe I am ugly so I keep reinforcing this story of mine with the choices I make?" By the way - just so you don't feel sympathy - intellectually, I "get" that I am gorgeous. ; )
In my personal dance of intimacy with the take take taking of the wounded masculine, I experience how my wounded feminine keeps give, give, giving (my love, affection, attention, resources, time, energy, etc.) away to others, organizations and, even, experiences. My wounded feminine allows myself to not be shown up for, neither emotionally nor physically, while my wounded masculine allows for my not showing up for myself in asking and taking what is truly in my heart and is my purpose for being here on Earth, now.
And, without blame, I recognize how I can TAKE TAKE TAKE from our dear Mother Earth her precious resources, sucking fossil fuels and other natural elements from her whole, with an air of entitlement and a complete disregard for how I will simply throw pieces of her out when I am done with them. I also reflect on all the years I spent not showing up - to the present moment, by releasing thoughts of the past or visions of the future; to my word, by following through on doing what I would say I would do; and, even, to my heart, by not authentically expressing what's there for me with simple words, like "I love you," as well as palpable actions that demonstrate my declaration.
All of this not showing up creates a condition of too much allowing - I allow myself off the hook. Instead of being in integrity with my commitment to my highest good, I allow myself to show up to work that doesn't feed my soul but fattens my pockets; I allow for sexual intimacy with others who my heart doesn't sing for; and I allow my warrior nature to be silenced and conditioned rather than battling, here on Earth, now, for that which is true and right - love, peace and harmony.
In my divine feminine imbalance of giving it all away, I also create a condition of too much allowing - I allow for relationships that are not reciprocal or equal even when the flashing light bulb of intuition clearly illuminates the obvious ("but it's love," she cries,); I allow disrespectful behavior and communication ("but everything is a mirror, and I too have sown bad karma," her wise soul speaks,); and I allow that "I can do it all" because I/she has never really been supported, honored or revered so she doesn't recognize that not only can she not do it alone, but that she can do it peacefully and harmoniously in loving relationships.
All of her giving and all of his taking creates deep, rocking turbulence. Anger, like spewing volcanoes, colliding continents and seismic tidal waves, unfurls - on both sides. Her lack of boundaries and unexpressed needs has her emotionally blowing her lid - like an annoying, screaming teapot left on the burning stove top for way too long. Her pure, heart song of Divine Feminine Love becomes a warbled, incessant pitch of neediness and pain - forcing the steam out of her spout, she alchemizes the fluidity of love into an invisible gas with her red hot rage.
And, he doesn't stick around long enough to help her shift from the high, unsustainable temperature that will most assuredly deplete her Source. Instead, he's running off - to other women, to business travels or to drown in substances. He's absent, physically and emotionally. He doesn't show up. He allows her imbalance and then blames her for her rage.
In his denial of his Divine Masculine purpose, which is his ongoing pursuit of freedom and is discovered in the wind in his hair as he pursues the required hunt of sustenance and sustainability for his tribe; in the gentle, nurturing love of the Divine Feminine that is the container he can melt into; and in the expansiveness of his Spirit as the clarity of his vision stands, tall and erect, in the face of the unknown and, shoulder to shoulder, with his band of brothers, his Soul wanes.
All of his imbalanced allowing creates an existence of noxious comfort as he fills his stomach to bursting with food and alcohol; his hands with petroleum-based toys and technology; and his mind with the notion that "this isn't enough." He must have more, more, more. Thus, he runs after the newest fads and the latest gadgets. He's running fast, from moment to moment, fleeing any discomfort, and escaping the confrontation of his fears.
His warrior nature mistakes this movement as the forward momentum once used in both hunting and defending but his Spirit droops. Because no matter how much he takes, and no matter how much he is given, it is never enough. It never will be. For he has forgotten how to give - how to, with his own two hands, build the homestead and erect the village; he's dismissed his initiation into manhood by going mano a mano with his nightmare's scariest beast; and he's long forsaken the rituals of ceremony that honor and revere what is being taken.
THE BALANCE MUST BE RIGHTED ONCE MORE.
And, guess what? All of this He/She, Masculine/Feminine, Give/Take, Allow/Receive is a delicate dance that must find equilibrium within each one of U.S. As much as my silly, little mind may desire to create specific faces to this writing, the only face that is only and ever here is "CARA." (Which is a 4-Letter word and, in Spanish, can mean "face.")
