Seven years ago, a familiar pattern unfolded.
There are some slight differences between now and then, however.
Today, I am not running away from the perceived dysfunction of anothers home, for example. I am not making choices, like staying in a relationship that doesn't feed me, based on fear. And, I am not making a decision because I need to "make or break" a situation. All my cards have been thrown into this deck.
Today, I believe 110% in what I am doing.
N-o-w, I have the support, resources and industriousness myself to create that which I envisioned then. Now, I am (still slowly, but nonetheless) learning how to simply accept
Me.
Seven years ago, I could not accept. Every reflection I came to was imperfect and flawed. I judged each and every environment I entered into as lacking and needing change. At that time, I didn't realize that all I was simply witnessing were mirror images of myself. Each and every time, it was only and ever me.
Like, when I wandered into a dance community (the same dance community that I call "mine," today), and I judged. I became erect and uptight. I chose to see people, bobbing and weaving in disconnected harmony. Although they were moving together, through shared time and space, they surely weren't "dancing." (Or, were they?)
So, I ran out. And, I kept running - away from and towards other people, places and experiences where I would engage and, then, the pattern would repeat itself. Yet again, there it was - another reason to not keep showing up. Some perceived hurt, dejection, criticism, or want unfulfilled. Some little reason for why, for
"No, this isn't it."
Part of this accepting My Self is continuing to show up - even when I don't want to. When I'm hurt or simply apathetic; when I'm wounded and distracted; and even when I want to say, "Fuck you. Leave me the fuck alone." For this is exactly when I need to show up the most.
