Boys beecome men and men are our brothers, fathers, friends and lovers. There is no separation beetween.
I am boy crazy - I always have been.
I am simply good at hiding it these days.
In middle school, my mother bought me a pair of dangling earrings (which, in itself, was a big deal) that screamed this truth of mine. Back in the 80s, with my big pouf of brown hair and legwarmers, I was proud to proclaim it.
And, the boys, well, they always loved me, too. Early on, they were fond of buying me chocolate and rings and professing their undying LOVE. Usually, I rejected all of it. I simply could not openly receive their adoration - their love notes and poems, their affection and sweetness. It turned my stomach and just left me feeling highly uncomfortable. My neighbor was wise - he'd ding dong ditch my parent's front door so that I had no recourse but to receive gratefully from my "anonymous" admirer.
At some point, however, the roles reversed and I started leaving LOVE notes and cards, prose and art for my man of the moment. In college, that moment lasted for two years! There is such exquisite sorrow in unrequited LOVE ~ it's a suffering that I no longer impose upon myself.
As a true LOVER, I am quite the connoisseur. I LOVE MEN in all shapes and sizes, in all hues and colors, in all tongues and forms of prayer, and in all economic strata. I have been fortunate to lead a life in which I have tasted a wide range and diversity of them - poor and rich, tall and short, moody and stoic, round and lean, artist and scientist, urbanite and farmer, student and professional, high maintenance and wild, fit and undisciplined, hard and impotent, worldly and unexposed - the list goes on. Certainly, I have a preference for a certain "type," but I remain OPEN to trying them ALL. Why not?
For the past decade, my dance with men has been dynamic. From long term relationships to short-term LOVERS to months of dating to "wham-bam-thank-you-maams!," I've been trying everything and, for the past four years, I've diligently tended to peeling away my layers and defenses so that I could more quickly, without fear or insecurity, offer my DIVINE FEMININE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Yet, what I have widely noticed over this time period, is how unable most men are to either receive my unadulterated LOVE or to bee transparently honest about where they are and what they want. (I.e. "I just want to fuck you." "I am attracted to you, but I am really having a hard time letting go of my affection for another person." "I don't know what I want, so I'm confused." Etc.)
Years ago, while enjoying an afternoon snack of tomatoes and basil straight off the vine, a past mentor of mine, said to me, "You know, Cara, there are only two acceptable emotions for American men: fear and anger." And, in his work on sacred sexuality, David Deida contends that American men are either all spine and no heart or all heart and no spine.
As a gross generalization, One walks around in a state of FEAR. His tale is tucked under, his sphincter is tight, his spine rigid, and the walls around his heart are sealed relatively shut. He has a hard time connecting to his feelings, emotions and sensations. He fears beeing judged as gay, or "feminine," and he works hard to prove that he is a 'manly man' - with a big car, a big wallet, or what have you. He maintains an armor of defense and is over-protective - continually fearing that attack is imminent.
Without proper support and gentle LOVE, he is inclined to strike out pre-imminently in order to protect his narrow sense of self. He is generally successful at chasing after culturally endorsed signs of success - money, achievement, notoriety, etc - and he usually has no problem wielding a hard cock while absentmindedly shoving it into holes.
This One is the embodiment of the Masculine Warrior that is a by-product of our militarized state. More than anything, however, he simply fears that who he is, at his core, is not enough, so he's run run running ahead - so fast, so hard - trying to always prove his self and his worth. He fears he is inadequate and he fears that LIFE will not provide - that "there isn't enough" - so he hoards and he takes and he steals.
He can bee found distracting himself from all of this deep knowing inside of a beer bottle, or other addictive substances, down at the local tavern, or nightclub. His deep sense of inadequacy eventually catches up with him and will end up affecting his sex life as well as other aspects of his whole beeing health. Heart disease is one of his major causes of Death.
The other One walks around in a state of ANGER. His heart chakra is burst wide open at the front, his vision is reaching for the light of the Son, and his feet are ungrounded. He's quickly running across the clouds, chasing an ideal of enlightenment while addicted to staying naturally high. He refuses to acknowledge light's natural counterpart - shadow - as an inherent facet of life on planet Earth. The heaviness of reality (aka gravity, or "the feminine") attempts to drag his feet back down to Earth, and he resents it.
His anger is rooted in a deep sense of powerlessness. Abused by the masculine, he has been conditioned to beelieve that one half of him is evil and cunning. His softness and nurturing instincts demonized, he is disconnected from his root chakra and finds release in pornography. Castrated also by the feminine, either by his mother or ex-wives, he was taught at an early age not to speak, or act, but to stand quietly by and watch. His cock tends to go limp and his curving spine tends to close, rather than open, the space in his upper back - where the most vulnerable part of our hearts lay.
Without firm guidance, this One's anger renders him into a state of deep depression. Relinquishing his power further, he accepts codependency, veiled as "modern medicine" as a solution. He is too paralyzed to use his voice to fight for what he knows in his heart to be true - that power is not found in violence, force or injustice. Caught up within a disastrous current, he feels helpless to change current circumstances. After millennium, he has been bred to go with the flow. The courageous warrior is nowhere to bee found, what remains is a cowardly lion who looks outside of himself for direction, guidance and power. His misery accepted as normal, he too can bee found drowning his sorrows in alcohol, or other distractions (including years-long counseling), that keep him from beeing honest with his true Self. More than likely, he will succumb to cancer.
These two characterizations can bee blended together into One person. Most of all, I "know" this beecuase I AM THIS. I am writing about my own Innner Masculine here. He's so wounded, and it hurts so badly. Last night, I felt "triggered" and, as I walked along a moonlit shore, I felt all of my sadness for him. I cried for him because 1.) I don't trust him. I don't trust my Inner Masculine to lead forward based on all of the above. And, 2.) My Inner Feminine just won't let him bee. She's so afraid that he will abuse her and her beeloved Earth, so she just won't let him go and DO what he was brought here to do.
I also "know" this beecause I experience my blood brother as beeing a man of fear and I see my own father as beeing a man of anger. Me? I am a mix of them both and I just want to compassionately LOVE ME back into my full wholeness. The thing is, though, I am WOMAN. I can only do so much to right this imbalance.
Please, my dear boys out here in virtual land, PLEASE RECLAIM YOUR SOULS. Please admit to your own systemic oppression. (I.e. Hazing and bullying in the NFL. Widespread pedophilia amongst the male leaders of the Catholic Church. False evidence to make war on Iraq so that a few companies, like Cheney's Halliburton, could pillage. And, popular sports coaches getting away with decades of sexual abuse against boys.) Please step forward, Men, and scream that your whole well- beeing - your vibrant body, your warm hearts, your feeling senses, your wise intuition and your connection to this Earth - is VITAL and NECESSARY.
Please take back your AUTHENTIC POWER.
Please acknowledge that you are perfect and plenty exactly as you are and that you don't need to prove anything to anyone. Please. I am begging you. WAKE UP!~
