"Just know that, for every person you are triggering, there are a dozen
who are feeling comfort in your words. And, really, whether it be
trigger or comfort, there is an effect...and it depends upon the
recipient as to how the words will be received. Not you, the sender.
You are the conduit that creates the energetic ripple, but it isn't your
say as to who takes your words with ease, and who takes them in angst.
Right?
I see your writings about hiding, of not knowing how
to love, being disconnected, and I just don't see it. But if you feel
it, then it is real. I wish I could offer some help or words of wisdom
(I'm going through my own crazy internal and external re-arrangings as of
late), but the only thing I know to do, is to just breathe, and send
warm energy your way, and encouragement that you seem to be, at least
from my vantage point, on your path. Honor how much you've accomplished
thus far, and know just how much more of YOU there is to come." (Thank you for your type, sweet sister LR. ; )
I'm feeling sick. Sick to my stomach of this "me." My dear L keeps reminding me to have self-compassion and I'm trying so hard to not judge myself and to, rather, allow my feelings, once and for all. As my soul sister S says, "Go deeper into your feelings, - REALLY, REALLY FEEL THEM. Once," she shared, "I laid in bed for three hours as deep jealousy wracked my body. This is how we can transmute whatever it is that is ailing us."
I am experiencing a heightened sense of fear that I will continue to exist in my current state of tension and anxiety, even as I silently hope that by allowing and surrendering to my feelings I WILL EVOLVE. It's not that I don't want to ever experience pain or suffering again. Those are par for course in this journey called life. Rather, it's that I want to thrive with the premise of possibility leading my way - and not a scarcity mentality weighing me down.
As I shared with my Tribal Truth sisters on our weekly Skype call yesterday, I was avoiding my Quarterly Review because I feared that I had nothing to show for my work over the summer and that I had "accomplished nothing." And, yet, even as I speak and type such a thing, my heart knows that it is an untruth. There are words, like those above, from others who read my blog and feel touched by my sharing. Sometimes, I judge myself for being so damn self-indulgent here but then I remember that my process of being human is collective and that if I can share my pain as well as my triumphs then maybe you, or somebody else, somewhere out there, can feel positively affected and can remember how to celebrate your strengths as well as honor your weaknesses. This is my intention here and it's mine to claim.
Intellectually, I get that I am frustrated because I have internalized messages of "success" that are not my own and that come from outside of me. This being human, now, is certainly not easy for any of us. So, I try to really listen and receive the blessings in all of their forms and magnitude. Such as: TD sharing that my bee-ing has made him aware of the plight of the honeybee and, as result, he plans on creating a sanctuary for bees on the 600 acres he is now living on here in North County. And, B shared that her hearing my message - even as she resides all the way over in Western Australia - inspired her to toss out all of the sugar in her home and replace it with natural and pure liquid gold. This is ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH. By simply BEE-ING. There is nothing more to do.
So, do yourself a favor - and bee with your blessings, no matter how "small" they seem. Honor that your bee-ing has a deep affect on the world around you. Your reading my type here is a blessing for me, as well, so THANK YOU. I honor and appreciate YOU.
Ometeotl.
