While at Friday's workshop, our coach spoke of "completing" the past so that we can move on with the present. She recommended getting to the bottom of "what happened" in order to recognize it - as a mistake made by others' that was simply misinterpreted by a child's brain, for example - as one simple way of closing the circle. However, when one was born fighting in order to survive, this step of acknowledging the moment "when" the story inside of one's head began isn't so easy. Yes, folks, this is where that psycho-analytical drivel regarding our inner child comes in. (Damn. I am so textbook.)
I hadn't realized that I had been carrying little Cara around for so long. I didn't know that she was the "it" in my head. She's been my ridiculous ego all along.
So, for the first time ever in my life, I bawled my eyes out and cried for her this morning. There was no one here to witness me, or my transformation. There was no one here to pat me on my back and tell me "Good job." Rather, It was just me, crying for me - for the sweet, lost, little girl who only ever wanted her father to protect her and her mother to nurture her. Who only ever wanted to be taught freedom by her brother and love by her sister. This wasn't my experience, though. The fear, pain, sadness, anger and anxiety, were all too rife for the gentle comfort of love and for the soft support of compassion. So, out of the womb I came swinging - but this went against my very nature. I've always deeply sought love. A love that feels good - from the tips of my toes to the top of my head and from the deep pits of my soul to the light airiness of my spirit - true and right.
So, now, I say, "It's okay, Carita. You can go now. I love you. You are loved - you live in it and bask in it its glow daily. You are supported by a vibrant community. By your sisters who hold you up and kiss you - Devi, Shakti, Natalie, Corrine, Blaize, Karen, Jenn, Carey, Mindy, Hanna, Heather, Paige, Elyssa, Franny, Holly, Britta and so many more. And by your brothers who swing you around and play with you - Samuel, John, Ery, Stephen, Patrick, Mel, Mishi, John, Johnny, Jason, Gyan, Barry, Nick, Leslie, and so many more. You are safe in their arms. You are safe both with them and without them. They've taught and shown you how and so, now, you can let go. It is no longer dangerous. In fact, it is now more dangerous for you to stay and remain. You must let go so that this human being can continue to grow and thrive. You must move on so that the woman in me can bloom.
Thank you for protecting me and taking care of me. Thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself. Thank you for heeding love's patient call through it all. But, it is time. It is time to die a quiet death. I won't miss you but I'll always love you - softly, gently, tenderly. Just as you've always deserved. I'll always hold you safe in my arms. Fly away little birdie. Go, be free."
(By the way, I'm getting a full refund on that damn "transformational seminar." Boo yah! ; ) )
