Alright ya'll, I'm too old for this $hit.
My body is sore and jacked up after another night
of pushing an out-of-shape container too far.
My left hip is screaming at me.
Nonetheless, here I am.
"You're 36, Cara!" my mind is flailing at me,
as I chuckle and stroll into the wood house where M. and L.
are already asleep.
I didn't know then what I know now.
(I know "why" I am dancing for.)
But, damn, I'm old.
Today, my sisters were pushing me hard.
"Cara," they questioned, "is it worth your time or energy?"
Followed by a familiar refrain, "you have too much patience."
What can I say?
That I am an artist and it is relationships that fuel me.
M. wanted to press me deeply about how being exposed to healthy relationships
changed her.
So, what are 'healthy relationships,' dear reader?
'Cuz mine can look like this: Years spent dancing, both on the dance floor and in real life.
Time spent working together, traveling to Arizona, Nevada & Colorado, or up at Dr. Jensen's, old "Health Ranch." Memories shared with an entire family - a husband and a wife, their three children and a now-past dog.
How do we celebrate these friendships that feed our Spirits
as ART?
Tonight, when I remembered to heap gratitude on Steve for showing up BIG for me so that
we could show off my favorite dancing (Contact Dance Improvisation, Primal Fluidity, Tantric Ballroom, Acro-Contact), he said, "Cara, you led a group of girls for my daughter's "All Things Round" birthday party four years ago. Of course I am here for you."
(We performed at Thumbprint Gallery's bi-monthly gig at East Village's Bar Basic. Johnny Tran, gallery co-owner, has come through for me on so many occasions over the past few years - lugging his DJ sound system across town, he set up and spun sets for us in the Hive, among other places. He is the sweetest friend.)
My relating to others can also lead me to write this. Metaphorical dances with others can be and is the art itself. Sometimes even - because I can't let go - I create more art after the moments of relating in real time have already passed. Many call this "not being present," or "suffering."
(Is this where my 'addiction to pain' is rooted?... More than likely.)
So, these experiences may not "look" the way I once thought my life "should," or would, look - especially at 36, and c'est la vie. And, maybee, our relationships won't look the way we have expected them to look because we are actively re-defining and co-creating what healthy relationships now look like. We know what doesn't work - that narrow, stifling, expectation filled, boredom sets in, one monogamous pairing of isolated "independence" with a few kids and a cat in the yard from the twentieth century relic.
So, we're exploring and investigating - re-establishing balance can make for a bumpy road.
