There is a lump of coal sitting in my gut.
Jet black, I am suffocating in its smoke.
It is consuming me whole, weighting my Spirit, enslaving my Soul.
Last night, I laid in it - choosing not to distract myself
but instead to just bee with it.
And, it's painful. Tossing and turning, it rocks me in its wake.
I've spent the past few weeks pointing out the contradiction in others.
Ha!
Now, I am sitting in my own hypocrisy.
And it's absolutely shitty.
So, I figured that I may as well just expose myself here,
as an early birthday gift for me, from me and to you.
What I want you to see I willingly expose
what I want to hide, I toss into a closet and barricade.
What I don't want to share is all the years I spent
ditching out from job to job, sometimes with no communication whatsoever.
Just an empty space where a person and a service used to bee.
There have been too many moments spent falling asleep at a job where the paycheck was the bottom line and my passion was absent. There have been too many days spent surfing the web, revisiting the same sites over and over again, distracting myself from really listening.
(What does my heart sing for?)
There were too many "mistakes" - easy steps mis-taken beecause I was simply not present in these moment now.
There's been too many years spent pretending that none of this is so, by trying to smoke it out of a pipe as a cloud of THC encircled my head.
There's been so much avoidance - refusing to answer phone calls or open mail.
There's been so much refusal to "work," even just simple part time jobs in order to just keep an income flow - no matter how small - and, as a result, too heavy a reliance and leaning on others who either weren't asked permission or simply felt taken advantage of.
There's been too much taking advantage of and taking for granted, especially when it comes to my/our dear Mother.
There's been so much resistance to what is - to leaning in and doing what needs to bee done; to accepting that a balanced life means doing what I don't necessarily want to do; and to surrendering to the plain, simple fact that "THIS IS IT."
(I type this Thich Nhat Hahn quote a lot, but I don't embody it.)
There have been too many too many white lies, too much taking what isn't mine, and too much abusing of a system that I knew was unsustainable. There is a $175,000 (w)hole with my name written all over it - at least I now know where bottom is. It allows me to see a way out.
There have been too many men where I just gave away the temple that is this, my human body, without real respect or regard for my whole beeing health.
All of this swirls like a turbulent tornado in the depth of my gut.
IT FEELS SHITTY. And even though I also experience a sense of unworthiness and undeserving associated with it - such as, "Who the Fu$k am I when I am so obviously flawed and blame worthy?" just typing this has me chuckling.
Our actions - past, present or future - don't define us.
WE JUST ARE. And, everyone deserves forgiveness, second- and third- chances, and a push of the "RESET" button. EVERYONE.
I am willing to receive your constructive criticism of me.
Please. By all means. Yet, pointing a finger in judgment and saying, "Narcissist" helps not.
Gentle guidance is welcomed.
In the end though, no matter what we do or say - beecuase I understand that we are all doing the best we can - it is imperative that I/we step out of my/our own way, acknowledge that we are all here together - hurting, fearing our past mistakes and how they affect our present circumstances as well as our future possibilities, and crying to bee woken up! -
WAKE UP!
We need the important medicine we each individually bring to the emergency room.
Beecause that's what's out there/here.
