Dear God,
Thank you.
I tell you, friends, all you have to do is open up your mouth and vulnerably express what is true for you. You will hear yourself and, then, more than likely, you will take the required steps necessary for making that change. Today, I sat with my feelings of "I feel locked up," and then I shared them with both G. and with you in today's videoblog. Tonight, M. and I shared a deep exchange during which I communicated feelings that I have been holding in for too many days now.
Interestingly, a pattern has presented itself - here at the Rooted Living house, I began to feel "unsafe" because I did not feel that my Divine Feminine was being supported. Rather, it felt as though she was being continually challenged and questioned. So, I contracted and when my roommates left for a weekend without my sharing these feelings with them, I created a catalyst with my actions which, in turn, had one of my roommates feeling unsafe. It made for a past week of held tongues, jagged interactions and walls of separation. It didn't feel good - in the least bit.
Last week, while sitting with C. up in Grandma on a weekday night, he said to me, "Why is a communitarian like yourself walking the streets alone at night?" "Grrrr," I purred back at him, "because I am a black panther." He is learning how to gently press my edges. "Why don't you just create it, Cara?" he asked, in regards to a village. "Perhaps, your divine feminine is being too imbalanced in allowing," he intimated. "Grrrrr..." my black panther responded, even as a finger of truth wagged in my face.
Under the early spring sunshine, I walked by our old house today. How I miss the softness of engagement that we women greeted each other with daily. I miss the kitchen conversations and the warm, open hearts that were continually buzzing, beating and vibrating together. I miss the guys sleeping over and waking up to Q. doing Chi Gung. I miss the music and the laughter. At the park today, I laid on the grass watching the couples and the children and I felt so damn empty and alone. "This is not what I want," I sat with. "Well, then, what do you want, C?" I eventually remembered to ask myself.
Today, M. overheard me advising my client to cauterize the wound - of his own self imposed suffering - by cleanly cutting off his relationship with a very specific person. "This relationship is draining your life-force energy," I told him, "and I am willing to be the model that you need to see of a firm commitment to one's highest good. I will not talk to you on the phone again until you have cut off your unhealthy relationship with that married woman." "Great job!" M. said, when I confidently hung up the phone. "I want to be soft and firm," I said to myself today, "and I want my man to be firm and soft."
Tonight, after working through all of the words that have gone unsaid between us and the hurt that grew up between us as a result, M. gently returned to one of the main points of disagreement between us. "So, you say you want a relationship yet, where are you giving your energy in this direction?" She didn't really have to say anything though, because I heard every ounce of medicine that I was distributing to P. today, and I knew I NEED EVERY DOSE OF IT FOR MYSELF.
