While working at one of North Park's metaphysical gift shops just this past spring, I was profoundly affected by one book in particular, "The Mists of Avalon." I was curious where the name of our shop, the Lady of the Lake, came from and it was in Marion Zimmer Bradley's novel that I found my answer. It's Arthurian legend retold from a feminist gaze and it takes place in a time when Britain's matriarchal, pagan religion, was being rinsed from the land by a Roman Christian God.
The main protagonists are brother and sister - King Arthur and his sister, the Goddess-embodied, Morgaine, who is
the Lady of the Lake.
Theirs is a tale for the ages rife with fear and loathing and filled with the consequences of non-action due to shame and guilt. Yet, in the end, it is always the same - we die, taking with us the LOVE we never acted upon and remorseful about all of the moments when we allowed our egoic fear to rule. More than anything, this book inspired in me a desire to not allow fear, shame or guilt stop me where matters of my heart are concerned.
So, here we are, today, and my ears are sensitive to a magnification of sound - it senses all of the judgment that continually comes back in my direction. Whether positive or negative, it doesn't matter - it's all the same. It simply seems that the more permission I give myself to show up, to bee HUGE and grand as well as authentic and no longer pandering to the needs of others just so everything can bee "okay," the more my ears perceive the dissonance (as well as the harmony). What to do? Allow it. It just is ~ par for course on this human ride.
It's an intriguing place to bee in for I have arrived unto a place of equanimity that I only, heretofore, have written about. The thing is, my friends, there is no such thing as good or bad, right or wrong. We can spend our whole lives making the "right" choices that earn us a "positive" reputation yet, still, we go to bed alone at night and we wake up to lead monotonous lives at jobs that steal our souls and suck our energy. Or, some of us make different choices, while those who stay stuck in their rut of misery are the first to cast stones. "Selfish!" "Compulsive!" "Bad, bad, bad."
Four years ago, I felt the need to dance with everyone, offering her or him my pure, unadulterated, positive energy on the dance floor. Some people loved it, others pointed their fingers and screamed, "Fake! Inauthentic!" "Lacking depth!" "Child-like!" And more. Now, today, I no longer feel the need to offer my essence to everyone. As I simply realized that this is no longer sustainable for me, so I don't do it. And, I can feel the judgment as my ears blare like a radar - blah blah blah.
In the end, it doesn't matter what I do. The judgment comes. All the matters is how I judge myself. These days, I no longer do so. In fact, what I beelieve is most essential, is how I am choosing to respond in each and every moment. The moments of late are intense and filled with the judgment of others - each person choosing for themselves how to respond in the moment. I am doing the best I can to just let them bee, too. I don't need to perpetuate a pattern here - you are free to judge me. In fact, you are free to JUST BEE. I will simply send LOVE to you, BLESS YOU, Bow and Bee on my way.
Perhaps, secretly, I will hope that you will offer yourself the permission to bee as grand and beeutiful and intelligent and radical and pushing-of-these-excruciating-edges as you can bee. And, maybee, someday, we will meet there.
